A Misfit~struggles on..

I consider myself a misfit amongst the general public,
among the nation tat's so blessed..
all my failures, I consider them a badge of failed 'courage',
proudly displayed on my life's vest as part of life's experiences.

Bloggers are suppose to be an expressive lot..
well-able to communicate their thoughts..etc to the general public,
unashamed of their past, as 'we'; become media whores(web-based reality reading?) & stand emotional vulnerable..
well, I don't know if I'm even doing that right..
becoz, I truly am awaiting for someone to have a conversation with me. A real conversation.. a 'connection'. It has been dead every so long.

I don't even know if I've it anymore..

If I'm being truly honest with my life, and look thru issues such as my friendships, my 'ambitions' etc.. I wonder how can I go on..to the next day.

Friendships..
I had great encouragment last week,when a friend shared that she said the sinner's prayer, and in her believe in him above. That made my day, week.. truly my heart rejoiced like never before in months tat had passed.
I met my close friends in secondary and poly days...U know the kinda of friends tat u used to spent so much time with, then slowly, becoz of schedules and ambitions, we're scattered everywhere..but always promised to meet once-in-a-while..
we did.
From the last time we met, things have 'progressed'.. a couple that was always threatening leaving each other made another step together, they left to study overseas hand in hand.. my close buddy, had begun his distance learning programme.., another would be starting his soon, and the last, is left with a year odd more to go.
So much had happened in their lives, in our midst, we had 'changed' ... we grew up I guess. All will be talking abt university & its experiences, all will soon be graduands..or into the pursuit except of one..but for little me, who turn back from studying in a local uni.. I'll be happy for them. I know I won't be asked to attend their graudation, etc..but just having them together for that moment, I couldn't ask for more.
I'm not at all jealous of them. What position could I be allowed to? I didn't attend a junior college programme, I don't have the funds, and more importantly, emotionally, I don't think I can manage that for now,esp with medically bills await to explode..

back on track, I think I've failed in friendships basically, becoz.. after 15 years of education, my life to be really honest, I don't think I've a close 'friend' anymore. Not that there isn't anyone that cares. But afterall, I don't think i've anyone that really will understand me without me fighting to convince my motives to you. I have friends that tell me to call them, but I'm sorry, I don't think we will talk.. i don't feel that connection, will you really listen and just spent time with me. But I really appreciate their concern..But I've to be honest as say, there's this bridge between us. maybe it just me...Just me drifting away from civlization..
Or atlest my generation. I've just different taste in music, past-time...
Maybe I became too reliant on the person who could understand me alittle better. I remember in my proposal speech, I mention how special our connection was, maybe it was one in a million, maybe it was battered over time.. I don't know.. honestly, it maynot even matter anymore. Becoz, we'll hardly ever speak again. Cold war? I don't think so...but I want to respect her choice in keeping emotional or communication distance..it should be for the best.
I've old friends that no longer speak to me much, do I resent them? Whatever for... surely it takes two to clap. For me, I generally try to read between the lines, and notice how words change, how not to be a pest...rather retain good memories than forever condemn the future..
I'm not a hermit,,during training days, I hang out with my team-mates, etc..but wat else can guys talk abt.. What I really want to talk abt.. to share my life, is only a glimpse found here.
I'm not finding an aunt agony, nor a drinking buddy, etc... I think I'm rather comfortable alone..most of the time..

I'm not even looking for anyone special, nor a place of heaven on earth..

I'm learning to appraciate wat I've been blessed with..
'my sweet memories' hung upon my bed..

thank you father, for the cross.
without yr son, I'll be forever lost.