Answering the FAQs
Since its been a time of reunions, catching-up with old friends, I get the usual questions; therefore inspired by a cell-member, I'm going to simple post this Answer to FAQs.
Forgive me if I rant too much on certain topics, or reveal too little in others.
Here goes.
Q: Are you attached?
A: No. Have been single for the 2 years, dated briefly twice in 2006, both came to a conclusion that it is better to be 'friends'.
Q: Why so?
A: I simply self-destruct in relationships. What more romantic ones? I've an innate ability to be too truthful, brutally honest, and constantly evaluating myself if I'm suitable for the person I'm seeing. Therefore, I find myself grossly inadequate to be suitable for the person. I'm neither strong, dashing, affluence, worst of all; I am declining in terms of 'market value'
Q: Isn't that a reflection of low self-esteem?
A: Yes. I believe so. Everyone has baggage, and when you usually accept people into your life, you take the package deal. Within the first few dates, I would usually give my date a glimpse of the baggage that are with me; namely a sever lack of health and a terribly managed time-table.
Q: Why are you allowing yourself to live such a defeated life?
A: Its always a struggle between facing reality and stepping out in faith for me. To be real, it will be a constant struggle for the rest of my days. Truth to be told, my health is declining, although through the grace of God not as bad as the last few years, the emotional and psyche has unfortunately been twisted with the decline of my health. I'm no longer in the physical and now emotional state of health to be a stable support and provide one crucial factor that all the ladies would agree is essential in a relationship-> a sense of security.
Furthermore, I strongly believe that when you love someone, you should also learn to let the person go. To love someone, is to provide choices for the person; irregardless of your own personal interest to keep the person in your arms.
Seriously, who wants to be with a living 'cripple' and what the insurance industry terms as a time-bomb. Why would you invest anything more than friendship with someone like that?
Q: Are you serious ?
A: In this day and age, we no longer talk about honour, privilege and respect in the same gravity of our forefathers. Each individual soul is greatly important. I personally am not able to live with myself to be the wrong person at the wrong timing for someone; clogging her growth; even though I may be attractive or personally very interested in the individual. This principal not only regulates how I believe the courtship issues should be handled, but extends to my general principal for all other relationships. And this is the main reasons why I've let down my dates.
Q: So you self-destruct in dates?
A: Funny how I use to coach younger males how to date; keep their dates interested. Well, my own practical example were good in the younger days. These days, I tend to give my dates a horrid first date; and better dates when there are 'returns'. I'm constantly reminded to 'keep my charms in the cupboard'
Q: Why do you do so?
A: A close friend gave me a remark that invoke much stronger thoughts. In summary; I give the impression of a confident, driven young chap etc.. but like a coin, there is a flipside of me that is often kept away. Therefore, when someone who is close realizes this, they might be in for a rude shock to say the least.
Therefore, I come to the conclusion that its better to be much more forth-right from the start, and build things progressively better as things develop. That is why I hate the 'good/ nice guy tag'
Q: Why hate the compliment?
A: 7 out 10 ladies would find a 'good guy' attractive. The ratio of being attracted to a 'good guy' is something like 2 out of 10.. at this age of 21-29.
What irks me most, is that being a good guy is like a mask of the seriousness of my health issues; a good calling card, but a horrible reputation to even keep up with.
Lastly, I find being the 'good guy' as an obstacle of my personal desire to be a testimony of God's love and grace. I'm extremely uncomfortable to be labelled as good; when I know I've thoughts that are no where near holy. Being a 'good guy' has masked the wonderful grace of God in my life and God's love for the person. If you do a loving act, people will see it as you being good; when all I want to communicate is God loves you. Its a very different message.
Q: Moving on, where do you see in all these?
A: I've made public jokes and invited my friends to recommend me ladies to befriend. But just the last few days, have made me realize how horrible inept I'm. In the mist of knowing someone, I've done severally dumb things. I've realized that my psyche has been more twisted than I imagine. I think I even have a fear of allowing someone to be interested. Even if there could be a hint of possibility, I would either scare the person off or do something incredibly stupid.
Of course, I would love to be in a mutually loving relationship. But, if that is not meant to be, I will continue to strive to be in the best position to bless others.
..........to be continued.
Is bad love better than no love at all?
This was a topic of discussion in an uncomfortable seminar I attended a few months back. The scope of the teaching went beyond the psychological, but into the emotional and even biological understanding that why we humans accept bad love better than no love at all.
Today, I find myself wondering why I didn't take down more notes previously.
But is bad "love" really better than no love at all?
of course, "love" in definition here would be affection. Beyond the scope of physical affection, but with the underlying soul & spirit implications involved.
What's bad love? A love that is a temporal affection being inter-twined with lust; stemming from insecurity and the need for physical affection. I think the best explaination of bad love is, "taking love that isn't good enough for you"
Was I shocked when I'm learning that nearly all my dear peers are being struck with this dilemma? Honestly, not at all.
My peers and I are now at a new platform of our lives. We are embarking on our careers, meeting new people, adjusting to new challenges, broadening our horizons and most importantly having our individual values system being scrutinized in microscopic detail.
How can one person claim to be faithful, unless having gone through the temptation of being unfaithful. I think the same theory applies.
Every single value we hold dear, from $ matters, office politics, priorities in relationships and even the issue of sex; are no longer taboo subjects; but things that are being asked of us, one after another. And it won't go away, even if we try to hide away from it. Soon, the issue of mortality comes into play. I pray that I would be a decent testimony when my time is up.
Can we honestly settle for bad love, while waiting for good love to appear?
I think its impossible... Unless you get rid of bad love, how would you know what is good love? Bad love can be so suffocating, so intoxicating, so impulsive and exciting, that we won't let it go for the love that we truly deserve. And how do we live with ourselves, when we finally realized, that bad love isn't good enough anymore, and that we have been a fool, through and through.. sigh.
What is good love? Good love to me, is empowerment. Is strength, is inspiration. Its the kind of of love that would be patient, and respect the individual; place the interest of the person beyond your own desires. Yes, that includes sexual desires.
But, its so darn difficult, isn't it?
Can bad love become good love? I've no idea. I want to believe so, but then again, I have no experience to speak of in this aspect. But then again, I believe that...
"love makes all things possible"
Playing catch-up
It has been a month odd, since my last entry, and for countless nights, i battled with the urge to pour forth my thoughts on this blog. Because I felt so silly often, with the thoughts of relationships once again .. challenging my personal opinions & values.
but this morning, I'm just goanna stick my head out and write it through .. in hopefully one sitting
after a month hiatus. its pretty hard to start all over again. And with interesting developments happening all around me, it will be impolite for me to share their story online, but as a third party observer.. it leaves an impression on me none-the-less.
In the last couple of weeks, I have heard first hand, how my female friends are challenge with the frustration of men who have challenge them to wonder why..males
a) don't take the first step, b) can't decide to make the second step, c) that have interested them could be gay, d) can't decide if they should end the relationship or not!!
hearing the stories over lunches, made me wonder aloud, are we guys that difficult to understand.. are we so .. indecisive. well.. WE ARE. i think most people are when it comes to relationships.
Relationships ain't like ordering lunch. Most of us, would take on average 5 minutes to order their meals, what more a decision that goes beyond 1 meal and a possible tummy ache?
For those who fret why men, (actually the ladies are guilty just as much) why they take forever to make that move ahead or not, I'm sure your mum can relate with regards to our own urgency with housekeeping in our own rooms. We know we gotta do it, but its only when...Right?
Lets all cut each other some slack. Sure, our biological clock to reproduce is ticking/screaming and maybe our parents are constantly bugging us, "go out and meet new people" we gotta cut out the noise, and simple "STOP!"
Nobody wants to date the 'desperado'.. neither would we be comfortable with the person who gives us the breathing space of a zip-lock bag. Most of us who struggle to make decisions under duress, or being burden with the full knowledge of someone else's expectations .. but then again.. not many of us are blessed with absolute natural patience eh?
Hiyah.. what a dilemma ..when I'm personally interested in someone, I would often find myself striving to understand, know and appreciate the person.. so maybe I'm spending too much effort in a short span of time.. and things happen too fast (although i do many more 'sprinters' than yours truly :P ) Sheesh timing seems like one of those.. things in life that seems wrong either way.
So join me.. not matter what state of a relationship you're are in.. let's all breathe in.. and exhale.. slowly.. (and enjoy your surroundings while you're at it)
done?
next, I want to share with you a simple date theory that could possibly change the manner you approach dates, and weed off those "not-worth my investment" from those "keepers"..
The theory is simple. On your first date, allow yourself to be absolutely horrible. I'm not asking you to be a meanie, but if you're a klutz, then let it naturally happen. If you never wore anything else other than jeans, wear jeans on your first date! Of course just be wiser not to bring her to Newton circle and attempt to impress your date with your ability to handle touts, find a seat among the crowd etc..
Be 100% you.. warts and all. You'll be much more comfortable -> for the ladies, you will have that glow on you instead of the 'suppress' looked..for guys, you won't need to worry about looking bad on future dates. :P
Can you imagine the beauty, when even on your 'horrid' first date, you are able to get a second date.. The excitement and wonderful contentment of being accepted for who you are!! haha.. its such a liberating empowerment.
But I've been advised, that one should also display self-control. So guys, if you struggle with attention and keeping your fingers to yourself, I suggest you avoid the movies until the fourth or fifth date! Ladies, just don't scare him with all your insecurities and how great your ex-bf is.. was.. leave a little space for the guy to show his prowess before bruising his fragile ego ...
Of course for me, that would mean, share the fact of my broken body being held together by the wonderful grace of God.
If you are wondering how my body is holding up.. I have 3 words to describe it.
"absolute painfully crippling"
with that note, here I am wishing all a blessed week ahead.
Battling on
Soccer season, at least Church wise is drawing to a close..Well, with a strain calf its a good time to let my body rest, but looking back at this year's short soccer season for me, it has been like a fickle of my life in the last few years. There were instances of brilliance, good solid displays and many hours of disappoint and frustration of being left out, or falling way below personal expectations. I play in the forward position, and being so often used as a substitutive or a 'we need 1 more' player has been personally frustrating. Its now a challenge for me to get match sharpness, fitness and most importantly some form of chemistry between me and my team mates.. Urgh! when things seem to get better, my body breaks down. And its a re-boot. Oh well!!
There's a part of me that tells me to give up, sports and all that competitiveness... but I'm not sure if its my ego or a plain desire to find out if I still have gas(energy) in me... I find it hard to let go. I'll never be that someone who is able to sit in front of a PC terminal chalking up hours of game time and feel satisfied. I don't think there's anything that can replace the ad reline of playing against the odds, against challenging environments. In fact, when I look back, its when the odds are against me that I soar and my best comes out..
I think that is going to be the same approach that I should undertake for my relationships. Over the weekend, it was heart-warming to have old friends to recognise you, and genuinely ask how you're. I think I'm like most of us; there is the need to be at least recognised of your presence. But, I'm committing myself that I will learn to take relationships with a pinch of salt, and let nature takes its course. Its like belaying, you gotta give enough 'slack' to have the mobility in the relationship to climb forward, but still 'taugh' enough to feel the security and assurance. So when it comes to romance, well, I gotta work on my own issues and be desirable for that special lady I strive to be suitable for..when the season is ripe.
Life can be such a battle at times, but having gone through the different phases, I must say God's faithfulness have been always there for me. His grace is sufficient for me.
In you my Lord, I'm complete.
LOOKING BACK
A big thank you to all my cell mates and other close buddies that came to drink a toast for my birthday! Cheers.. It was last minute no doubt, but although many people didn't respond I'm still glad for the warm well-wishes and the cards that came my way.
The story of hosting the wine night, was insipiration from above. I was sitting at TCC, Holland Village Branch, while writing my goals/ visions for the following years to come, I was challenege to take action of the many things that I have challenege myself.
I wanted to be a better witness to my friends who have yet to know Christ as their personal Lord and saviour. I knew too, that I had to get out of my comfort zone of meeting people only in small groups. I had to release my disappointments and allow restoration to come into my life; no longer festering in the prison attitude that I deserve to live a miserable life.
Life post-birthday bash has been alot of communional, thanks to my cousins and their lovely female halves.. To my dear, tennis/pool/beach volleyball buddies..thank you for the badminton shoes too..
But sometimes, good things come with a twist.. Despite all the glorious food that I've been blessed with, my stomach have been giving me problems; no different to stomach wind, maybe except the part of breaking wind often. My american pool practises have all gone downhill once again. Yup, once again I become the weakest link; and for me that can be so erm... difficult to swallow.
Health wise, I've been getting back the usual soreness and pain, recently with some form of head inflammation of sorts, where the pain is on the top of the head, and hurts really bad when you press on it, even gently. Headache, hmmm.. pandol hasn't really help yet. Maybe a higher dosage is required..
Phew, and its been 23 years. The rest of my life awaits...
Counting my blessings.
Its my annual ritual of the year. Counting my blessings to keep me rooted, and hopefully gain reasonable perspective of what has passed over..and what is to come.
Relationships..
I reflect on my past actions, I realize I'm guilty of having unrealstic expectations and simply at times doing things that are resonable within my standards but are considered too much in other people's opinions = "trying too hard"
Not too long ago, I did something utterly stupid that till this day, bugs me. Well to cut the long story really short, in an utterly bad move, in an attempt to lose my nervousness for a lady, I think I've did the suicidal things.. hence my current motto is.. “you better keep to yourself before you do even more damage.” Haha. I think I'm pretty good at that @ the moment. Scaring those that may have the potential to become firm friends with my bundle of nerves translated to utter stupidity. Maybe I should stop trying even. Alas, I've restricted myself to saying the occasional hello; so as to save some 'face' or at least not become the irate from hell for others.
But I've been so blessed too. Each year, I received a birthday card, most likely the only one that I would receive this year. This particular card would warm my heart and also remind me how I never felt I deserve it. A friendship that last a span of 14 years, above and beyond my other relationships. This dear friend and I hardly exchanged a single word since last Christmas. Purely through God's blessing, that we can still often remember each other. A part of me feels guilty of not doing more, but I've come to realize.. when it comes to relationships, its not only about the "do" factor but the intangibles like "chemistry, fate" all these extend beyond plain words. Sometimes, not doing much, does not mean you don't care either.
Finances.
Do dollars make sense? I think by a quick straw poll, I should be one of the bottom of my peers building a financial nest for ourselves. I would admit immediately that I'm no scrooge, neither am I the biggest spender. I think I've been blessed with just enough. But I'm certain that before the Lord blesses me with aplenty.. I've to challenge myself to be a better steward of my finances. Does that mean, saving more money? I don't think so. My perspective is simply to maximise the best use of the finance being in my possession. If its to save, then it will be. If its to invest, to bless or to give it away, I've to learn prudence and obedience. Finance will continue to be a tool that the Lord will prune me for many years to come.
Fellowship
Before you start having thoughts that fellowship are usually in the context of Christian groups, let me bring perspective that fellowship is simply a group of peers (or a mix) that are a place to learn and share time together amongst other things. Yup, like Frodo and the Fellowship of the Ring.
For a couple of months, I have been terrified, sick in the stomach when being placed in a social setting of a big group of people; even those whom I know well. Its purely psychological. I remember the last nightmare was a gathering of friends. They kept asking about my ex-gf and when we’re getting married... Etc.. The pressure was unbearable. Even till today, I find myself having to share a simple story of how a love that is not meant to be realized in marriage.
But, slowly, by meeting more people, and pushing myself out of comfortable ‘coward’ shell, things will improve.
After all, I’m pretty clear from the message above that I’ve to live a life that I’m design for; denying myself is denying the creator’s plans for me.
So that’s why I’m trying to make a last minute plan for those who have been part of my life this year, to share with me a toast for the upcoming years ahead!
.......my prayer for tonight.
O Lord, I thank you for your hand has been gentle towards me. You’ve shield me from storms and tribulations beyond my capabilities. You’ve made me realize your majesty, your infinite grace and love for me and the people I love dearly. There’s nothing I can do for you to love me more, for me to earn the grace I need so desperately each day. You know of my deepest desires, my personalities and plans are woven by your intricate hands. Only you have the patience to hear my rants, my constant denials of my God-given abilities and responsibilities. You have brought people who have been a reflector of your awesome love. Above all , you understand me best, and without you, I would have easily lost the script of the role that I’m to play.
May I learn to carry my cross inspired by your love and be worthy of hearing those words I long to hear from you.
Amen
Time to put things into perspective
Its time, for me to take stock and recollect, make plans for the following years. After all, I've decided to step forward in faith, and look forward to a SPRING season in my life. A time of learning and growing, a season of letting things bloom..
I've been enourage by this devotional entry ... (my utmost for the highest)
"We must also learn that our individual effort for God shows nothing but disrespect for Him— our individuality is to be rendered radiant through a personal relationship with God, so that He may be "well pleased" ( Matthew 3:17 ). We are focused on the right individual perspective of things; we have the vision and can say, "I know this is what God wants me to do." But we have not yet learned to get into God’s stride. If you are going through a time of discouragement, there is a time of great personal growth ahead."
A time of great personal growth ahead.. ~ what an exciting prospect this holds!
There have been plenty of set-backs in the last few days, such as bad health due the haze, a slow & painful recovery from gym workouts and the occasional self-doubt creeping in. Funny how I realize, I can't really remeber how I used to live my life when I was in a relationship... It seems like only such a sweet dream that I woke up from.
I'm praying Lord, let not all this discourage me no more.. Yes, these things should prune my soul lest it gets proud for the self-effort invested, but it should not stop me from living a life of Faith, a life that declares of God's promises in my life.
Keep me from being hasty, and learn to enjoy the journey.
the Changing wind
Being stuck with the haze for the last few days, have been good timing to push me to join the gym rat gang. Oh well, I've only been to the gym twice so far. With really light weights as compared to the rest, and since I'm a trial member, I've focusing on using the cable-pulley resistance machines. All at the comfort of being in a majority male club, without looking ridiculous by the fairer gender incomparsion to the alpha male tone bodies.
Writing this blog, would then suffice my need for mental exercise. I don't think its a direct stimulating effecting, but it does remind me to work on my language skills. The more you write at times, the better you would be understanding yourself, others and most importantly, improve one's understanding of the dynamics of communication.
In the last couple of days, I've been praying and mediating over one certain issue in life. To cut the long story really short; I've been waiting, for the season to step up again to fall on my lap.
But that wind has changed
Its about no longer allowing yourselves excuses in life, in issues like, "why are you late?" " why are you so nervous about this.. "
Its about no longer allowing my body and mind to tell my soul thoughts of self-pity, " tomorrow will be a better day".... "they won't understand what you're going through, one day they would.. but not today.." --> all those procrastinating and negative thoughts. All those thoughts must be renewed, they must be exchanged with eyes and minds that hold onto the promise of God.
My belief is that everyone is design to live for purposes far greater than themselves. We can live out our lives that deny who are meant to be, and still live reasonable .. satisfying lives. However, there would be an inner conflict. A calling out to your heart, that you would need much effort to suppress. Of course, this isn't your idealistic dreams such as owning the latest Italian automobile, or getting the dream job. Its about living out a passion, a higher calling, a relation to others more than yourself.
For too long, I've question myself about the very existence of my life. The bane of my life was a breakdown of confidence. Questions about the manner I live my life was rightly called into question, but my response and the attitude towards it; in the long haul was unhealthy to say the least.
After a while, when you've suppressed yourself long enough, it soon becomes second nature. I remember watching the local film, "SINGAPORE DREAMING" .. the female lead actress talks about her passion of singing .. how she had to supress many things in her life to play the role of a housewife.. and her courage to come out of the shell later when she finally comes to grip with her husband's death.. is reflective of how I feel deep inside now.
winter has come to past. Its the time for Spring. For over a year, I lived a life of winter. I've been defrosting for over a slight period ... Now I need to give room in my own life to let Spring come forth.
Lord, grant me the courage to let go of the bane of the past season in this life. Please let your hand be upon me, let my eyes be of faith and the inner will to be of courage; to resign the past to its rightful place. I step forward with fear, and my hands tremble before what you would place for me. But I know that you would never tempt me more than I can bare. I know you've plans to enlarge my tent. I need your wisdom and strength to be a worthy steward for all that you place upon me.
I turn to you again .. like a sheep to its Shepard.
Its October! Closing thoughts on Human Relationships
Its October.. another season. for me esp. in the numerical valuation of my life. In a few weeks, I would be another season older, hopefully, I would be able to have the privilege of looking back and give thanks for the invaluable lessons learnt in this journey.
Last month, I rattled on and on abt relationships. No doubt it still a favourite pet topic of mine to engage in.. I think its wiser to end my comments on it.. after this entry .. :D
Relationships, well.. the last few random thoughts I've are/were..
Have you ever wonder how blind we all can be at times, when the very person that would complete or bring your life closer to the very purpose you're made for.. .. is superficially not your dating type. Maybe, he's too fat/ skinny, young/old, doesn't have that career drive you're hoping for.. Or for us guys, maybe she's not the cute/intriguing lady that you always fancy. Not everyone is going to marry a William gates, aston kutcher, Allan wu/ Angelina jolie, ___ (insert any hot Korean actress name here) or even a fiona xie !!
Are we no different from horses that wear blinders when it comes to human relationships?
Should we consider that SOMEONE, in someway.. have the potential to ignite your life.. the very person to grow old with you. Of course, the silliness of giving it all that up, to see if the grass is greener on the other side is the very bane for all of us mankind.. with hardly any exceptions.
It is after all a preference issue, no different from choosing chilli or mustard sauce. You either love it or hate it, there's no wrong with either choices. I used to be very open about who I date, but later I realize I'm usually attracted to specific personality traits in ladies.. I became more aware and selective.. But like a closet romantic, I know deep inside, maybe there's someone out there.. who would challenge all my preconceived 'expectations' and in time to come entralled me in the a holstic manner for the rest of my life.
We're after all never goanna meet up fully to the expectations of the ideal partner that we dream of in our idle time. In us, we have quirks about us that we might be even embarrass to share with our family members, what more the very person you're trying to attract. Even when two people get together, the most common stress point, is the promise of "I'm goanna change this habit.... trait.. for you.. becoz I love you.. " Well..its easy to say, but a totally different ball game to even fulfil it. Counsellors would tell you, that change takes time, don't be surprised that you may have a strong dislike for people who are very headstrong.. but you end up dating someone who is as stubborn as a mule.. it might take years.. if you can bare through it.. for the person to inch out and be more.. flexible.. if it even happens in the first place!
I won't go into the issue of opposite personality attraction. Or the simple fact that each one of us are special in our own ways = we're all oddballs!!
Instead, like any young adult entering a phase of seeing our peers in and out of relationships, attending funerals, weddings, house-warming and all that..I think its part and parcel of reflection, we ask ourselves.. Hmm.. do you really want to remain single ... or even take the plunge of being open to be dateable.
What is being dateable? Is it being irresistible? I'm so tempted to say YES!! but actually its not. To me, being dateable, is to be comfortable in your own skin to share with someone your life, to be both vulnerable to the effects of eros, and balanced with the desire to self-cultivate a stronger personality; improving on your own quirks, and growing as individual.
Being dateable is also an issue of priority. Seriously, if your work schedule is going to be packed Monday to Sunday.. how would you even have the energy to cultivate a deeper relationship with someone .. I for one, am going to, or already have embark on this path. Seriously, for all of us who are a little fearful of relationships or need a break from it, its not the worst thing to have your work stretching across the days of your life.. Dating is afterall, an expensive social activity.
If your self-reflection/observation towards relationship reveals a "its about me!" attitude or you behaviour towards people is like they owe you a living.. or you love to nurse people.. hmm.. maybe you should start wondering " is that a possibility for me to relate to another person as my equal/ partner for the rest of my life".
I think before we enter/while we're in the relationship..its always good to be reflective in our attitude towards our love ones :D
If you find that too hard, Of course, we could all go back to primitive times, and like the animals..
do the mating dance :D
My personality test results.. (many years ago which still rings true)
INFP are quiet, creative, sensitive and perceptive souls who often strike others as shy, reserved and cool. These folks have a rare capacity for deep caring and committment. Both to the people and causes they idealize. INFPs guide their behaviour by a strong inner sense of values, rather than by conventional logic and reason.
Forced to cope with the facts-and-figures "real" world we inhabit, INFPs may appear to have been imported from another galaxy! They gravitate towards creative or human service careers which allow them to use their instinctive sense of empathy and remarkable communication skills. Strongly religious, spiritual or philosophical people, INFPs may see the purpose of their lives as an inner journey, quest or personal unfolding. More practical or rational types may tend to discredit the INFP's source of understanding as mystical.
The search for a soulmate is a preoccupation for many INFPs, who must balance their need of privacy and peace with their yearning for human connection. If there seems to be an air of sadness in the INFP's spirit, blame it on this type's longing for the prefect in all things.
My Life unfolding. ~ thoughts on companionship
a few things in my life I still struggle with.. since this is my little haven of sorts, (atleast that what I want to believe) I would like to just write it out and feel stupid afterwards..
the little thing missing in my life now.. is a form of finding close companionship. The losse of companionship is a personally great source of agony when a relationship doesn't work out. The two people behave as if they never met.
Its a selfish thought, but we all get into relationships to share with that someone more about ourselves. The REAL me inside. So part of sharing is to foster a closer bond of companionship. The times spent listening to one another, the joy of celebrating a little good fortune in life .. all that.. to me; that's the real priceless part in a relationship.
Therefore these days, I made the decision that I'll enjoy the companionship of who comes along, and if it works out.. that's great, but if not. I would want to enjoy the moments of enjoyment, and let it rest then.
Sure , i mourn the friends who no longer stay in touch, or the friends who were once so close to you; but because of circumstances or choices, things change.
I do mourn for the lost .. but when one door closes, we just gotta move towards the next door then.
Therefore, to me.. when in comes to romantic relationship, the primary desire of my heart is to be part of someone; with a complimenting personality. Its not so much about that great date, or how good the first impression the person may leave behind. Even if the person is "hot" can be so secondary. A clash of personality makes things so much more difficult.
its all in the intangibles. and working through the rest of it all together I guess.
Romance & its ideology further explored
Regrets, we all would have. In the realm of romance, we always would wonder, " What if I choice him/her instead of XXX".. or the classic, "if only, she would let me say what I feel inside.." etc..
How then do we release the pain of regret? Regret comes in so many forms and it hurts deep inside. Sometimes so deep, that our emotions are pretty much numbed and dumb by it. We would regret the strong words said, or the apology that ought to have been expressed. Maybe its, something more simple like; a missed opportunity .. Regret challenges us to consider the "what ifs" in our lives. For the more reflective and slightly depressive people, we would struggle with this more. We often wonder what were the things that we could do, or not do.. On the other hand the more care-free.. I .. believe you would have regrets too, but I'm the first to admit that I'm not the most care-free person; but I'm very certain they would feel the pain of regret just as bad.. I admire those would could bounce back from regrets quickly .. and deal with them in a manner that's 'cool'
Do you believe my dear readers, believe that you deserve someone?
I don't. Maybe in the selfish moments of my life, I would succumb to this ideology that there is someone out there that I deserve to be with. But alas, often the cold truth tends to awaken me and challenges me to be realistic.
If you believe that you truly deserve someone to love you, honour you and spend the happiest and saddest moment with you, because you simply deserve it.. that its a very selfish ideology to me.
I don't deny at times I don't struggle with my own general acceptance of PROVIDENCE, but alas while I subscribe to it, I do believe that it means that someone out there is mine, because I deserve it.
No one person is an object, a prize or a trophy. Beside the usual reasoning; ~ we all have emotions and that its a mean thing to do, believing that you deserve someone is simply believing in a certain manner of lordship you have over your partner. Let me stretch it further by saying, its like writing a Christmas wish card, tell Santa, I've been a good child, so this year I deserve to be awarded this.......
I don't believe that there's anything that I can do to deserve someone. I would believe that there are people out there who would complete me. However, I too need to be that someone that would complete her. Its not about who's meeting who's needs better etc. But its the fact that beside attraction, there needs to be a common desire to be who I'm design to be and, that would bring completeness to my partner. Its never about seeing who loves who more in a relationship, or who’s in-charge. Relationship takes hard work.. Even if you believe only this person deserves your affection, after he/she proves himself/herself, you got to ask yourself then, would you have done the same. I believe that this is common still, and to a certain extent I have an amount of respect for it, because I believe certain things needs to be work out; but wouldn’t life be much more blessed if we weren’t so aggressive in wanting things in our manner in the first place?
How about dating types?
I believe most of us fall into this activity. I know some friends who would prefer to date ladies of another race, or men of a social class. Anything wrong with that? I don’t think so. In fact, I often believe that people who have identified the personalities that they are likely to date; are usually the more mature people in relationships. They’re no longer wish-washy about whether to consider dating this person, then change the mind immediately soon after.
I too have identified through reflection and hearing close friends the personalities of ladies that I would prefer to date. Sadly, knowing the personalities that you want to date, and finding out the personalities that you attract can be quite a big difference though :(
We may never marry the person that we would want to date either ! I’ve seen friends who marry people that gets to our skins, but when you see how people change and grow in relationships; your mind would start challenging this ideology too
I know there would be many who would disagree with me, but alas, this is my blog; therefore its my privilege for me to share with you my personal thoughts. You are of course welcome to express yours.
Romance oh romance.
I love to multi-task things in my life. I love to multi-task. Be it, driving, eating, even taking a shower, etc.. I've no idea why.
I think the best two things that I do with all my concentration is sleeping, and well.. maybe....that something in the near future.. Called Romance.
And today, while doing my reflections-reading-listening to music, all at the same time, concurrently.. I realize a little more about me in relationships.
I'm not going to fool myself anymore that I'll be jolly and happy to live the rest of my life as a single. For a long time, I told myself I wasn't suitable for anybody else; with all my luggage of emotional and physical burdens holding me back. But, deep inside me, I know there lies a part of me, somewhere out there. Someone for me to be part of till the end of days.
I know I'm happy amongst people, but too many people kind of bothers me. I love to see the wonderful dynamics of human relations at work , be it in romance or friendships.. The buzz of romance, the excitement, the psyche of it all.. it intrigues me.
This year, I had the wonderful privilege of knowing two young ladies better. Sadly, things didn't click. Both ladies were attractive in their own manner and had their own queues of suitors; but they still gave me a chance to get to know them much better. Things didn't workout though.
Why things didn't work out? I was at a loss.
I examined myself.. my actions, my struggles. It boiled down to me not being ready. Somehow deep inside me, I want to be ready, but I just couldn't be ready; just for anybody. Even for those that I'm attracted to.. I don't trust myself. I armed myself with my close buddies, trusting that they would understand what suits me better, and well, to help me be accountable to them.
I guess I'm still a chicken when it comes to it. But, well.. its a start I guess. Start meeting people and changing mind-sets.
While I probe myself further on what I would anticipate my ideal partner to be, I find these qualities in two female friends. One, unfortunately, I'm not in contact with anymore. With her, I guess we have similar priorities, our different personalities would have clicked and well, I think we would have been able to enjoy each other's energy level, and cheer each other up when we're down. We could go crazy together, learn something new.. or simply just stay at home and cook meals for our family.
The other lady, I just realize how wonderful it would to get to know her better. All this while, I was on a lookout to find the right guy for her; one fine evening, I find myself looking at her who could easily complete me, by just being who she is.
But would they ever find me a suitable candidate for their own lives? I doubt it. But I'm already blessed to know these two ladies. They have become a model of the qualities in a lady that would complete me. Now if only out there this moment, a lady would think of me in the manner I'm praying for her too.
Simply amazing isn't it? Sometimes, that very person that could be most suitable for you ends up being your best friend, or your best buddies partner.. or you have lost their contact.. who knows,that someone could even be that person you hate now, but end up heads and heels in love with. It is after all a thin line, between passionate love and intense hate. Love isn't impossible. But its controllable in its manifestation.
I learn recently this metaphor that when it comes to relationships, well, there are 2 ladders. One is of coz the romantic ladder, the other is purely friendship. I've my fair share of lady friends that reside on the friendship ladder.. I never really consider the fact that female friends on the friendship ladder could cross over, but who knows. My first lady love was a friends for years, before things developed further. Could this be the appropriate manner then? Well, I have my doubts since, I know when things on the romantic ladder doesn't work out, its extremely hard for it to be transferred back to the friendship level. The years and years of friendship would easily be undone.. by mere attraction and stupidity.
is it then worth the risk? I dare not do so now. Unless the feelings are mutual, and the gut feel is that it could work.
Oh tsk tsk. romance is becoming like a major.. major.. knot as you advance in life.
my warp sense of money mgt
i think its time for me to share a part of me that I struggle alot in.
That's right
$ management.
Well, generally I spend less than what I earn, which isn't alot to begin with; but well, there was once this lady that peep at my bank book. She went, "this isn't your only bank account right?"
Haha. Yes. It is.
Here's how my expenditure usually breaks down in a month. In terms of % of dollar spent per month
1. petorl for the car + cupons, cash card top-ups..
2. meals + group dinners etc
3. tithe
4. gifts for others
5. insurance premiums
6. loans / bad debts ~ paying for others in advance.. and counting till the day they pay me back.
7. self-indulgence .. a sports equipment, good food, shirts..etc
Well, to people who see me, they usually have this idea that I'm a big spender. I don't deny I'm a quality conscious person, and would choose to pay more for a better quality product if I can afford it. I mean, since I'm paying for something at least I should get something decently nice, if not why bother in the first place. I would also prefer to wine and dine my guests, partners at more particular places. Last but not least, I'll always make an attempt to get the best possible gift I can get for the person that may cost more, but if its something to brighten the person's life. Why not?
I'm a strong believer that in everything that we do, we should count the cost beforehand. And therefore when we take action for it, the cost will be something that we should bear willingly. So if buying this particular present is going to cost me $XXX, then I'll have to make the necessary adjustments such as eating simply, or other cost-cutting measures to make up for the $XXX expenditure.
My own money-pinching ways include never taking taxis if I can help it. I will walk if its within a 4km radius. I'll not buy things just so as to posses them or display them. If its something that I fancy, but I know I can afford to live without, then it will never enter my shopping cart. I save money by buying cheaper hair gel, cooking meals at home if I can or simply not eat at all. I won't buy a drink at the drink stall if I'm just having a quick meal at the foodcourt etc. I will prefer to take Ya Kun coffee, then Starbucks if I'm alone. At group meals, I will take the cheapest meal I can decently eat; more so even if the person is giving a treat.
Weird uh? Well.. I have always respected the people who can save a fortune. Those who have managed to save for the holidays, the special things that they wanted for a long long time etc. Or even the money to invest.
The Lord says, that when we are capable of managing the small, then he would entrust us with aplenty.
Its really a personal struggle for me to say "no" at times, or avoid the little expenditures that may not cost alot but its always a recurring cost.
I don't wish to be a bondslave to $. But neither should I fear $. I'm blessed that I have never been a stingy person. But Lord, teach me not to lust after the things that $ can buy but are useless for your will in my life.
Oh Lord, teach me to invest my $ wisely. Teach me to be faithful and wise in the little, so that when I'm blessed with more, I would use it in a manner that would please you and extend your kingdom greater than I can imagine.
Teachings I've learnt.
Well, one of the greatest quote I ever heard regarding one's unique individuality and responsibility to oneself goes like this..
"don't try to be different. be yourself. be who you're made to be. but if that means that you realize that you're going to be different. embrace it then."
Let me share with you the rest of the random thoughts and inspiration that i've received over time. Don't quote me on them though..
about challenging your status class
"don't believe that a certain group of people are privilege therefore, are untouchables~ beyond you. don't try to be who they are either. start believing now that you can be as good; if not better than them. we may not all start on the same path in life, but we will all end up 6 feet under."
personal responsibility
"the world may act in one manner. but its your reaction that can change it forever."
getting up and going ahead
".. if I counted the number of failures I've made, i would have wasted that time to make more mistakes, and learn from them. we all make mistakes. but I'm never a failure. coz i never failed to fail.. I only fail when I learn nothing from my failures.."
attitude in life when a crisis appears.
"is that all you got? bring it on."
A Quick newsflash. Top 10 things happening in my life. In no order of importance!
LAST FEW DAYS, HAVE BEEN LIKE A FLASH.. THUS BEST WAY IS TO WRITE IT ALL IN POINT FORM :D
FIRST AND FOREMOST. GOD's SO GOOD & WONDERFUL THRU IT ALL!!!
1. realize that a buddy of sorts is dating my ex. (how do i feel abt it?... erm. wish them all the best ???)
2. made the resolution that i'm going to be supportive of my ex. not matter what. (all the best for her career and her growth in a new zone)
3. been challenged to step up in ministry in church ( i really meant.. STEP UP!)
4. met a beauty queen, with more personality & with one of those 'stareS' that would turn me on. Too bad. She's attached. So its a STRICT No. (SORRY BLOKES. won't introduce her to anyone else either!)
5. exchanging my bowling arm for a softer touch -> american pool
6. yes! i'm still a crappy 8 ball pool player.. and for the record, 9-ball pool too!
7. its time.. n I know many friends said that maybe the lady I dated, wasn't suitable.. well.. yeah. (enough said eh?)
8. I realize sometimes.. two people can be so similar, so suitable it seems, but its the little little instrinctive things that although might seem minor at times; would be the ones that would utimately tear a relationship apart.
9. after dating 2 wonderful ladies; i've learnt from experience.. " the right person at the wrong time, is the wrong person"
10. i'm going to step out of comfort zone.. God willingly.. in everything. Its getting to feel like sloth staying in your own.. mindset of wat's right.. how things should and can be done. it kills creativity.. and most importantly.. it kills the potential to achieve something far greater!
. its a wrap!
Next on the Agenda.-> a holiday . fall in love .
How do you fall in love in such a restless world;
when everything is being pressed.. everything is screaming for your attention.
How do you've time left to give your heart away;
when your mind, energy is given away to pressing work commitments; obligations, and all that.
Maybe this thing called Amore, is best when we are on a holiday, studying..
when you've the energy and attention possible for that one person who deserves it all.
I don't like to give people bits and pieces of me. Neither do I want to know someone in that manner.
But the reality is slowly coming to me; that I consider my work load is still low..
and already, I'm not even able to commit a proper percent of myself for someone I'm dating.
Thank goodness, I'm only casually dating!
Alas.. and then how do you know when then to let your emotional guard down ..
be totally naked emotionally.. and at the same time feel so secure.
Am I writing something that you think will never happen to you?
Well. If you never experience it before, let me tell you its possible.
If you're like me; who once experience it before.. then lost it..
can you advise me.. must all relationships that work out in the end feel this way..
or can we just accept something less; cause that's pretty normal.
I should start with a holiday.
and find out truly for myself, what I really need and want. I've been so blessed that my buddies around me seem to know what I need better than myself.
Guess, my holiday needs to be a journey to discover myself more.
Continued ramblings...
the last few days, I've been feeling a little low..
drained, tired.. restless even..
feeling little a little bluesy..
thus, I avoid people when I feel this way. Somehow since 2004, it has become a natural response for me; to withdraw and avoid most people. Its not as if I'm like going to avoid eye-contact with you on purpose, but I won't be hanging around when the group is making lunch/dinner plans. Or when you're going to tell me the most happening place; and that we should be there, then I would kindly muster some lame execuse and leave.
Sounds pathetic doesn't it? But, I guess; its one of the best manner for me now, to give myself some space and time, to reflect.. read and write/blog even. The last 14 days have been such a rush, and at times I do miss tat rush, but now that slowing things down, I won't wish to waste my time either; just spending hours and hours on the black box. Hmm.. is it normal to tell people, "oh, I'm not joining you guys, coz I'm going back to read this _____(self-help book), you guys have fun!"
Reflecting back, I'm really a crap of a american pool player. I manage to lose all 8 games of sort to players who were struggling to have their feel. I mean if I played well and lose which happened only in 1/2 game, I wouldn't feel so crap. But gosh, you should see how I played.
My bowling arm seems to be getting worst, with my torn tissue in my right forarm ever such a painful reminder. Soccer is going to be rusty, badminton is going to be tough since I don't really have a playing racket ( i broke the last 2 in quick succession)..
oh my lady love ? Where are you.. ( don't worry I'm not writing about any of the Ex(s), or anyone in particular) Will you find me one day?
Its really a stretch of faith for me to even open up my heart to believe in true love with someone.. with all the recent observations and thoughts of various relationships..
Inch by inch, it seems I'm getting more ready for a relationship; but miles and miles I realize I'm apart for that someone I can be faithful, loving to..
Quit playing the games of the heart.
Its time to step up once again. That's life aint' it ?
Random thoughts of a scatter~brain -part1
the last few days have been so busy, that today's slow pace, has allowed me to finally sit down, reflect and write...
work.
having place my primary work on the backburner for the last few days; I have come to realize how much I love my work; and it has spur me more forward career wise. However, where do I start off; that moment- the spark of inspiration is still needed.
working capabilities
hmm, i have come to realize the impact of hiring and working with the right candidates for the job. I didn't expect the deep and significant impact of how hiring someone below the required capabilities would have such a significant impact on; not only the job , but all the lives involved with the projects.
how then do we place trust in people to their job... Is it ever possible to look beyond an impressive CV ?
balancing work & the rest of your life
From the start of the week, i thought that after a hectic week of volunteer work, i could enjoy a great Sunday service (which i was so blessed to be with) and soccer (which my body refuse to let me take part in). Although not everything went according to plan, it was still a great time, a great ad reline rush to work through and pushing your body and mind to achieve greater things. I must admit, it tug in my heart strings, not being able to see my family for the whole week, no family meals, or hearing the familiar sounds of friends on a Friday night cell group setting.
but i had the privilege to work with people sharing the same passion as I do, and more importantly, we knew the purpose of our work.
what a joy it is to working for a purpose greater than yourself.
Jesus you are my King.
Lord, you're my king. I have declared so many times over, your victory in my life, my future; I've pledge this lifetime to your amazing love that you demostrated on the cross I've been inspired by.
To be the broken bread and pour wine for all your heart holds dear.. .. oh Father!
My heart trembles with such a calling. Where would I find fellow servants of such a calling? Who can understands the depth of this; who can mentor this wretched soul when he is lost and drained?
Oh I'm not worthy of the trials that you've set forth in my life, the personal anguish, is so often too much to bear.. But lest its not your will in my life; I'll pursue what lies beyond all these.
Lord, grant me boldness and faith to declare your goodness throughout.
I need wisdom to make the right decisions admist the endless temptations; love when its so easy to give up and not care anymore and be indifferent.
Each trial you have allowed in my life, has pushed my boundaries and shaken the foundation of the basis of my choices/ideals; oh Lord, I fear to be called unfaithful in your courts.. but Lord, there's a fear that is above all of my fears.
My fear and reverance of your Lordship. May I be so close to you, that my eyes; hearts and lips are able to declare..
Jesus is my King. This day and forevermore.
Random thoughts ~The World Cup
This season of the world cup is surely one of the most tactically astute compared to the others. Imagine that both teams who build their playing style with defense in mind have advanced to grand final by taking their penalities (sorry england, swiss, arg) with great aplomb. Do they really deserve it? Well, let's just say that their win had a mix of good favour and lots of hard work; such as the Italian's win over the Aussie' team or France qualification from the group stage in the first place!!
But I guess, with Zidane playing his last game each time he steps on the field, he's playing like a man possesed. Talk about the difference one man can make.. He changed his mind abt playing for France, then came back to lead the team to the grand finals... Hmm, maybe he should change his mind and play for my beloved Utd, and will take the league title from Chelsa.. Stranger things have happened..
As for all the rumors that the World cup is fixed.. Maybe it is.. But I think that won't stop many of us, those who truly love the sport and not spend our lunch, dinner...money and lunch break hours gambling on this beautiful game... Maybe if the games are truly rigged, people might gamble less, since I don't remember people gambling over the results of wrestling matches; since its always rigged anyway.. haha.
Oh well.. I've not reached catched my soccer, the best match so far I witness would the Arg Vs Mexico.. some were good, all of England matches were bad!
I'm looking towards the post-world cup sale of the soccer jerseys and other appreal..
That would make my day..
Cheers.
A new Monday.
its a suprise to read comments on a Monday. Thank you for the many comments.
a new day has risen.
Give thanks.
we are who we're today, for all that has shaped us, good or bad .. brings us closer to who we're to be.
We may not like ourselves very much, nor our past.. even the future looks bleake..
but we're closer each day to who we are called to be, regardless of the U-turns, the wrong turns..
a new chapter is written today, don't waste it on idle banter or pointless agurements.
Revenage is mine says the Lord. So keep on pressing for the good goal. We're all in the same race, let's cheer each other on instead.
Cheers.
A storm in a teacup or more..
Thank you my dear anon writers, for filling up 5 comments worth! I think there's the current record now. Cheers.
May I address them, so that we all might bringing this exciting season to a close, and move on to our own lives or other controversies.
Firstly, thank you for the noble hearts to stand up for your friend, your efforts in protecting this kinship is admirable to say the least. However, may I humbly recommend the following...
"We cannot control what others say about us, but we can surely be in control of our attitude towards the reply."
With that in mind, lets put all these in perspective.
I would like to thank the first writer, for his/her example in being bold, offensive even at times to challenge my words and thoughts.. maybe you meant to highlight that was the how I'm making my ex, and her friends feel. Interestingly enough, although the low-blow is acknowledged, I'm still dumb founded by your attitude and reactions.
Come forward and talk..
If my blog is offensive to you, you can always approach me. My ex did on one article, a year back, and I did retract that entry not because I felt it was an offensive entry, but merely becoz she was uncomfortable at it. She was a direct party. Hmm, do I then remove every entry becoz someone is uncomfortable. Honestly, if the person is directly involved, I would. But if the entry makes you uncomfortable becoz you disagree with it, or you find that this entry deviates from your own personal opinion of someone or some ideology, then .. I'm sorry but then I may have to stand my ground.
I appreciate the honourable way that my 2nd writer suggested. Surely I look forward to our exchange when it comes. Although the 1st writer was annoyed at this suggestion, and suggested that I should take up a chair and do a rally of sorts.. I find this alittle dis-tasteful.
I would recommend that if we do have issues, that matters be resolved face to face. Of coz, part of problem; post relationship was that, my ex and I never really sat down and talk. All the people around us did that for us. We weren't encourage to speak for months, so when the time was right, there was alot of pissed off steam I guess.. When you don't get to see someone, hear their tone, talk to them.. how can you expect to understand.
Let's be honest, e-mails, sms, and even blogs are usually very poor mouth pieces for our actual moods. There are so much more we can express that the multimedia fails to even detect, and so much confusion is created when words are open to be interpreted.
I was term a maverick not becoz I wanted to be some fancy pilot. I was term as one, becoz at times, my attitude and personality is of such. Don't bother trying to gag me, cause you may only serve to inspire me more. But my basis of thoughts and opinions are only reflective of me. I'm not a loose cannon, but once I'm ready to fire, then what the difference in shooting with a pistol or a shotgun, if the intention is the same? Aren't we all judge by our intentions too, not just by the disguised acts we put on every single day then?
Should you then consider what I have written as gospel truth? That would be up to your maturity in understanding relationships and the human pysche.
The million dollar Question begs, have all I wrote, are they lies? Hmm.. this is a tough one isn't it?
I'm not someone who is out to slander anyone. I don't deny my opinions can be very strong and I would defend it earnestly. But that doesn't make me unteachable yet. In fact, if I was so headstrong, I would have save myself from many more hurts.
if you are yet to know me well, I can reassure you I don't decide one fine day to make up stories, or say... hey.. let's go pissed off this person just for the fun of it. What more someone who is close to my heart.
The reader of this blog has the very important task of understanding what I'm writing and discerning what I'm writing is bad mouthing.
Oh yeah, in case you're wondering, I actually had another lady being used as a miss too in my recent entries.. so if you get mixed up, I'm sorry.
For what I write, there has been a basis. There has to be a fire for smoke to appear. Let's leave it as that then. I have no intention to further prove my case.
Why do I write then?
My blog is never meant to be a major broadcast or even to be links for others to look at. I write becoz, I write. Do I write to gather attention to myself? No maybe I write, coz I feel its time to piss on others? Nah. I don't even advertise my blog .. haha
I'm never going to be the most PR person especially when it comes to people. I don't do tat. Maybe I'll learn.. but for now, I'm not such a person.
What I say or write, many a times, may always been terms as scandalous, but if you sit down and reflect about it, many a times, what I write, and your response would be a reflector too..of who you're inside.
I don't intend to keep my blog a private one, firstly, becoz I'm lazy.. Secondly is there a difference in keeping this blog private, if the issue is that my writing is offensive. Thirdly, I believe in writing openly, a fair exchange of ideas, thoughts and beliefs. I don't have much to hide anyway.
If so, wouldn't it be easier for you to stop reading this blog then, rather then I make it private.
If I remember correctly, towards the end of my ex blog, she was also bombed with various crushing comments. And after a while, I think she felt it was meaningless to continue writing it.
I felt very sad for her. By then, I couldn't do much, so all I could do was pray and try to leave nice tags even if the meant nothing to her.
Last, may I end this entry, with my reason to write my blog.
I started my blog, as a form of expression, it became useful for me to start penning my thoughts and reflecting on them later in my life. When I was depressed, it became my main form of communication to others, who bothered to say Hi, how have you been.
Then, I felt this blog has to be an account of my life, warts and all. I tend to write alot more of my personal rubbish, my failures.. my lamenting like most blogs do.
Finally, this blog is my testimony. Unlike most testimonies you hear, they are all good news, mine is one in progress..
Will there be good news in the end? Only time can tell.
For you.
Its in this in the early morning, that finally, I pluck up the humility and what I believe is the right posture to reply to you.
Yes, in replying, I may been helping you achieve the point; I would be 'justifying' my words and thoughts, but, may I humbly extend the posture of humility to you, that you would retract the bold challenge; and take on the same humility that our Lord took; allowing us to both learn through this process and interaction of ideas.
Initially, with your writing, I profess i took it as a compliment, that you bothered to go through the effort to reply, to stand up for the fair maiden. But, of coz; its with several reviews and advise from peers, that i learn to appreciate the full extent of your claims.
Let me share that its never my intention to bring or 'tear apart' the reputation of her. Why would I, wouldn't I simply be highlighting then, as a sore-blighted spurred ex-lover?
If so, I would vouch that period of life for me is over by and large.
To narrate the personal standpoint, may I use myself as the subject matter.
Let me share with you honestly, that I believe each of us are a plenty of facets, and personalities. I for one, confess, there's a me; inside.. that I would classify as the Shane of 1999-2004 ~ that was a period, that I learn to love in great deal, with someone so lovely, so easy to love.. I made a lot of grave mistakes too; but never the less, its wonderful memories, and a part of me when I learn to love to an extend beyond my own needs.
In 2005, Shane went thru a period, of transition, a period, of being lost, priorities, decisions, and most importantly the relationship aspects had to be placed under serious review. He was both angry, hurting...devastation amidst his plans made over the years; now in tatters.. feeling unable to adjust; like a part of him that was surgically removed without any pain killers. He needed attention and care, but was never in the right frame of mind to even understand himself anymore, let alone handle his relationships. He had lost his best friend. Friendships, Relationships with people generally became a façade to him. He believe he was better off, never to be in the position of such hurt anymore. He had lost his 'loving feelin' him along the way.
2006, Shane is standing up physically, but emotionally and spiritually he has never left the posture of his head between his knees; hands stretch out.. continually crying out above.. Becoz, he's still struggles with insecurity, the weight of feeling a burden to others.. .and so many more. He knows his lack, and would kindly appeal to others for their patience in his life, and would just desire to continue to learn what it means to be a broken bread and pour out wine for his community; not becoz he's worthy.. but becoz he's convicted of that thru the love of his Lord and saviour. Therefore, although a cynical romantic, he is still in the process of understanding and praying to be more attentive to the holy spirit's guidance in his life.
As for his attitude towards her, well, there will always be a part of him; that has learnt to love her.. and that love is no longer the same, and it will never be the as before either.
He continues to pray for her, and in his silent moments, give thanks for the wonderful opportunity to love, to honour her. To him, she's still one of the few close to his heart; but will always have to struggle to learn to love her in a manner that glorifies their Father in heaven. Like an over-protective friend, he wants to protect her, but also he lives in the shame that he no longer is in a position to be of love to her.
Do you love ....?
I did. and the season of love for me..may have just blew by. But for you, it may be an upcoming season.
May I pray that what I write resonates into you, and more importantly, challenge you to be one above me; seek and trust in love with all your heart and let that the love in you comes not becoz of yourself but of God's love for you.
Being Comfortable with your own skin
How many of us can say with great confidence,
I'm cool with who I'm, who I'll be.
Even the high achievers that I know are also caught up in this mix too!
What more, an average Joe, like yours truly.
Yesterday, thru a simple session of bowling, I learnt that I've to be comfortable with whom I'm now.. What I may become in the future. I should not try too hard, or think too little and lose those plans.
What has worked before, you need not break it, just for the sake of 'improvement'
For me, its about living life without the weight of useless fear. Using bowling as an a real-life analogy, I was very worried about straining or re-tearing the tissues in my right forearm and wrist, however, the more worried I was, the more oblivious that my whole body was struggling to adapt; to compensate for the fear , and my release of the bowling was all over the place. I was trying to hard, switching too much.
My immediate reaction was to not think so much, and bowl... but that didn't help either. Becoz, I was still very self-conscious.
I need to bring the game that I always play. Its not reckless abandonment, but a manner of, going in , with all the best, fearing a poor performance @ the moment then the 'grey' future. I got to go ahead with 'my head on fire' of sorts. Passion!
Yup, so I have to learn that I gotta be comfortable who I'm , becoz, if no matter how much people may dislike or praise me, it has to first start with how I view myself first; and my attitude towards others would follow suite.
A walking bull having constipation.
Do you know what's the feeling like to be a bull in a state of constipation. Full of s*&t!
First I start with a worry of hurting someone, instead.. I end the evening by really doing so; totally unexpectedly.
What can I say? Honestly, I hate to say things to justify myself, but my immediate reaction was to be as forthright as I could be. Bloody bulls*&t eh?
I had no intention to hurt this buddy, but well, what I've said, I can't take it back.
I didn't even know it was an issue, and a stupid stupid intention, in the end becomes a pissed off instead. In some ways, I'm glad maybe that my original plan didn't work.
Isn't this one of life's greatest lessons, the bigger fear you may have, the more you want to avoid, the more likely will happen.
I've a morbid fear of hurting people, thus I don't even meet people often..but when I've.. I 'm having such successes hurting people, and someone close to my heart no less.
Father, strike me oh Lord.
For I deserve your judgement.
How do I not judge others?
Christ drew a line, let those who are blameless stand forth on one side and judge the people. And I know which divide of the line I deserve to be in.
But how do I resist the human urge to pass judgement on someone; even though I've no right to do so?
I'm in a knot, when I can still feel a fondness over a past relationship, wish the person the very best, but feel unworthy myself, and also confused that yr love(d) has chosen someone who, ironically carries similar resemblance to you. And compounding to tat, she seems to have gone back to her ways before you two were apart, therefore causing the reason that the relationship didn't work becoz she wanted to grow as simply ....reasons?
How should I run away from the desire to judge? I really am lost. To judge the intention of others, or to smear someone's name as they've done to mine.
Should I feel angry? I feel a sense of lost and pity inside left.
the judgement I've for myself is simply of a fool. I'm a fool.. People say I don't move on, or I can't get over it.. I don't know what it means to fulfill the term, getting over it, but atleast I do know I've not intention or interest to pursue a relationship, past or present. I don't live in the pain of re-living past, happy memories. I'm learning to be a happy single, focusing on God's purpose in my life. I'm a fool too, becoz I can't act to show you how I've gotten over it.. But I'm going thru it.. so I ain't avoiding or backing down from anything.
I'm sorry if I don't fit the bill of getting over it, maybe its juz becoz the issue is of my 'left-over' affection.. well.. I don' t know. Let it be. I'm not at all interested to pursue her, in fact, I don't avoid her anymore.. but even though I may be treated like glass, it would only hurt for 5 secs.. then, life goes on.
But Lord, take away the desire to judge from me. For I'm not worthy to judge, to take my past issues and make them right in my eyes. Lord... grant me peace and cause no pain anymore.
Nah Nah Nah .. hey hey.. goodbye.
Goodbye.. is the hardest word for me to say.
How do u say it to someone you care, someone you never want to part from? Does it make easier to say when there's a chance we will meet again? Does it mean you will still feel the same way when we meet again?
Maybe I'm just to selfish to let things go. Or too proud to submit to inventible.
I've learnt that loving someone doesn't mean the person would be with you. That I understand. But how do I feel so wretched when people keep telling me to let it go..say goodbye and what nots. Compounded with a fear that is slowly but surely growing over me.
I talk to no-one from my heart anymore. Very soon. I may become irrelevant.
I realize that a fear in me that is growing ever so strongly. And this pain is slowly taking over my emotions.. my upswing.
What do you fear more? Loneliness or the pain of being hurt or hurting someone in a relationship.. I fear the latter. Both I do fear. But the second fear, of being hurt and hurting someone is just driving me away from people and issues.
That fear haunts me.
Sitting at the bar counter alone once again tonight.. hearing the song, "a better man".. and being served by a lady with the exact name of yr former... is really a kick in the head ( incidentally I've a huge dent in my skull for knocking into my sisters' bed ~ tsk tsk..)
in me. there's a great sense of lost. of what I don't understand.
am I stress with work? I don't think so. that stress isn't impossible to manage.
with relationships? my few friendships are working out I guess.
what with then?
I have no idea. maybe its just saying the words goodbye.
How do you overcome?
the pain of separation, the fear of a future that you may amount to be simply useless...
How do I learn indifference?
when I saw an elderly man yesterday, he had great difficulty getting out of his seat, he had domestic help to assist him.. but the manner in which he moves.. in my heart I knew his pain .. ~ his pain would be my future.
and so it is.. with such a blunt future for me to behold.. I wonder sometimes, what is it worth for me to continue attaining material things or achievements that would have little or no help to that impending future.
Physical limitations aside.. slowly the stillness of my brain captures my attention. To think out of the box means a whole lot of difference to me. Am I losing my mind.. or am I just have a brain slowing down too? Yes, physical deformation is a confirmed part of my life story.. but to lose mental functionality is a whole new ball game for me.
Now, my brain is stuck. I can't seem to think of much, ideas.. make plans.. with a weird bug suppressing me, I feel a tightness in my chest.. I can't seem to have any thoughts. It doesn't help when all your joints are in-flammed. When I'm sick, I seem to be losing my mind now even.. And the worst part of it all, the symptoms of my sickness is an acute lack of energy..not sneezing or coughing.
Lord. I don't know yr plans for me. I know you've placed limitations in my life for me to know you more. Please Lord..grant me the perseverance to learn it. May I be humble to be still and not run away from your calling.
I'm at such a loss. Grant me your strength I beg you.
Education Cost.
Let me forewarn all the smart alec who is considering doing what I have done.
Here's what I did.
Score 4 Distinctions for 'O' level -> decided poly was more practical.
Secured B grade average for Poly studies ->accepted to most Tier 1 Uni
Received offer for Local Uni -> rejected courses becoz the frame of my mind was off (don't ask why.. old topic)
Took an entrepreneur job... ->with current pay and possible improvements; mostly likely to afford a distance hons programme after 7 years
The What If's
Realized today.. If i went to Jc.. would have less problems getting into local Uni and follow the stream and stream of local graduates that our system produces..
If I was healthy and gotten the local scholarship.. won't have to worry abt rice bowl or further upgrading of skills..
If I was able to shrug off the after-effects of my break-up.. I may survive local Uni life..
Or if I took the better paying 9-5 jobs out there..I could afford a degree in 5 years time or less.
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The questions begs.. is getting a degree.. a want or need?
Must I apply for the degree that cost a total of $23,000 in today's terms.. and ++ when inflation continually kicks in after 7 years..
Is getting a degree a certification that you've some form of grey matter between your ears..
Or a wonderful pick-up / introduction line when meeting others..
I shudder to think of how a prospective mother-in-law would tell a lady-love.. "honey.. he's a nice guy.. but he's not even a graduate.. how can he give u the security you'll need? "
And trust me, unless I'm worth half a million bucks.. I won't be spared this issue unless I marry north of the ASEAN border.
I've advised friends not to get a degree for the sake of getting one. Nor getting a degree for the sake of being equal with status quo..
Getting a degree becoz you've a desire to learn..a desire to challenge your mind..
That is what a degree means to me. But can I shrug off the feelings of incompetiency of not having a nice tag next to my name on my namecard.. oh well.. I don't know.. Coz, sometimes that feeling really suxs..
But wait a minute.. Does getting a degree improves the quality of my life? Most likely not; esp when I've to study for it. Getting a degree doesn't even help my focus in life. To serve God with all my heart and strength, to be a friend of others.. to lead a life of pour out wine and broken bread for his people..
Moral of this long story?
Everyone has their own paths.. the more you feel you need to comply.. ask God simply.., "Lord you lead me.. you provide for me.. in you; I lack nothing. For your plans are to prosper me. For that I will serve you till the ends of my days."
God keep me focus on you.
Ever felt like screaming out..
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
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Loneliness is a mental sickness.
You can be prefectly crowded with people.. but feel the searing tug of loneliness..
or be perfectly overwhelmed without a single person ard you..
I don't want to be angry, lonely no more.
If it means giving up on EROs; its a price I'm willingly to pay since..
I ain't able to pay the cost to enter into an EROs relationship..
& I still believe that Love makes the world a better place..
but the pain of EROs love... of a love one just walking by as if nothing happened .. or the stark reality of my inability to be the man God has called for to love & provide for a woman.. is still too deep for me to handle beyond this day.
Don't play a game u can't afford to lose. and for that I've already lost.
A wedding. A witness.
It has been a wonderful honour to witness; be involved in a friend's special personal moment in life. Nothing that I've done; for I can proudly boast of my weakness; for its in them that the glory of God has been showed.
To see men of faith understand the importance of gathering together to pray and begin the day.. the sisters praying together for the bride before she enters the ceremonial hall.. seeing brothers and sisters take up and understand the importance of prayer; to see prayers being answered is a wonderful .. wonderful honour to witness.
The spirit was amongst us. Although no planning could be perfect; the most important aspect of understanding and inviting the presence of God throughout was ever apparent. When we were tired, he gave us strength. When we were frustrated, he gave us the right people to bring us back into perspective. When the plans seems to be in tatters, he brings forth inspiration for his greater work to be in place.
As us humans, its our tendency to 'fire-fight' and bring about our solutions; but never is it more apparent that God is the answer. For every challenge God has allowed to appear, he has gently called out.. I'm here. Seek me and I'll make your work light.
If without God's love; his peace...the marriage wouldn't have happened. The wedding would have been a logistical and planning nightmare.. the helpers would have been stressed and upset with one another. But becoz he was there; he made sure all things worked for the better of his plans.
He continues to teach us; to continually show us how much more we've to learn, how much more we need to submit.. to be accountable.. to know our place in his great plans for his grand tapestry.
If a wedding is without God’s presence.. I would shudder. For then, its like going to a top class restaurant and not eat any main course. Or going for a birthday party without inviting the the birthday boy.
My Lord gave me rest. He gave me pain for a reason. Although I don’t understand nor dare to fathom his eternal plans for me; but I’ve been blessed to witness and be part of the last few days.
The glory is all his.
“Let what God has brought together, no man take it apart..”
Oh Well..
I'm not writing the following to complain or point fingers at people; but hopefully anyone going thru what I'm writing can indentify with me.. and let me share with those who are on the other end.. what it feels..
background
I've been actively involved in a buddy's wedding plans; a church wedding...etc.. I've gotten feedback that as if I'm running the show~diving in to avoid things; or becoz I enjoy doing things etc...The last that I wanted to do is to mirco-manage the event.. or make it my pet project..
Well.. although alot of those talk can be said in the most candid or amusing delivery... the sting of the critical key message doesn't always lessen.
I believe that these critics have their valid points.. but sometimes; I look back.. and wonder.. in what capacity do u judge me? when its your time to do so.. do you compare your efforts and mine? I don't think its fair for either of us.
I truly appreciate the trust the couple has given to me.. but its with a sense of fear, I'm careful and appreciate that all these things are done well thru the grace of God. I've been raised at a young age to give an effort that would bring honour not to myself.. but to whom I represent.. my family.. my God. That brings me greater joy.
As for my detractors of sorts.. Well.. I'm not doing this for fun.. neither am I doing this as a busybody.. since it doesn't make sense.. with work piling up too.. If you call me a micro-manager of sorts...yesh.. I do make the effort to plan for possible scenarios.. but I'm also a staunch believer of delegation and passing on skills to our jnrs.
In plain simple.. thoughts..
I'm do my best.. becoz I believe since I've been asked to do a favour for 2 people's special occasion.. I do it to the best that I can.. and its not becoz the glory is for me.. but becoz its a celebration for 2 people that I cherish; the love and affection has been a blessing.. and I would continue to do so becoz they deserve the very best that I can give. Like faith; I've counted the cost.. and I understand the payment.. but thru it all... my decision hasn't wavered.. not do I need to lament if I don't get what people think I deserve.
There's already an honour; blessing to be involved in people's life. That's an intangible gift.. money cannot buy.
Personal Insights...
>on the topic of love..
I do agree with all the additional comments given.. each brings with it a different manner of pain in the area of love... unreturned love is a common suffering many of us can identify, or the fear of taking the plunge to be vulnerable and love someone even when its seems only naturally to do so... hmm..
but for me; the grief of loving someone who once loves u, is both a beautiful but very bitter moment to be in. Its coming to an understanding that you no longer mean much to the person anymore; its the combination of unreturned love, and @ times, loves that is useless and no longer of value to anyone.
oh well.. what is love.. for we are all so limited in the understanding and giving of love to one another.. love keeps us living for a greater purpose..
>>politics..
well, I watched with great intent and interest the interview with MM Lee, and the panel of journalist and young un-informed undergrads etc.. I was amused and do appluad the candid questions asked to the MAN of S'pore. I think honestly, MM Lee is a better icon that our merlion.. but I don't he can sell much key chains.. or soft toys..
I understand the uproar caused after the interview was being telecasted. As a very young person -23 yrs going thru my first general election; I too have certain questions to ask; but I do agree that the tone and manner of questions could be much improved upon. Its unfair for the older generation to typecast all younger S'poreans (even the journalist), as ppl who love to 'bash' the leaders that have moulded S'pore. Its not the case. But neither should have the younger journalists believe that all older generation voters don't appreciate the hardliner questions asked. The issue is the manner of questioning; interrupting MM Lee when he was answering, or not even doing your basic political homework and ask questions for the sake of questioning. In fact, I appluad MM Lee's often straight and candid response to questions that I have seen other foreign leaders rebutting in anger with the same tone and questions being asked. MM Lee was cool thru out. That's political class for you.
In fact; for certain questions being asked, I was literally squirming in my seat. I couldn't imagine the navity of questions asked; such as.. "should the PAP level the political playing field?"
or "is the standards that PAP are taking too great that we have no other choice to vote PAP?" I think a bigger variety of questions should be asked, such as the mulit-racial community fabric being challenge by growing threat of inter-race and religious threats around S'pore... on the issues of PAP dangling carrots of 'upgrading' .. is that the best reason to ensure voters are kept on no choice situation; no voting of PAP, no upgrading.. that's a bigger unfair challenge.. !! Come on.. there are so many better questions to ask, then keep asking when is MM Lee stepping down. Doesn't the man and his cabinet knows he's invalueable that's why he's still there. If he love power so much, he could have stayed in power for many more years that he did..
Politics at the end of the day, isn't just some people sitting ard , then during parliment starting discuss idealogy or complaining on issues, I don't wish to have a parliment that is like the British, where they talk alot; but do very little.. neither do I wish to have people of standards that fail to represent my thougths and asiprations for S'pore. I won't vote in lower-standard candidates juz becoz I want to see a fight like the parliment in Taiwan.
Let's recognize we are S'pore. There's a saying that goes; don't break what ain't broken.
To me, the PAP hasn't drop its standards in recruiting talent, the manner in which the government responses to crisis.. and a firm leadership that is able to stand up against international pressure... that's the Singaporean leadership I would support.
->>>bottom line, politics isn't thinking of castles in the air; but building the frameworks and hard labour to ensure that we have the luxury of building our own dreams together as a nation.
The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you
~Anonymous
Extracts from Personality Test
Your Romantic Life
You have high standards for love, believing in one love that outshines the others. To you, successful romance has two aspects: an emotional connection based on mutual care, and doing things together that you and your partner both love. You're happy with someone who enjoys the unexpected as much as you do. You'll both be excited at the prospect of situations with an unknown outcome. You and your well-suited mate enjoy high quality conversation and fulfilling experiences together. You are deep, sincere and willing to take emotional risks. You succeed in romance when you use your intuition and intelligence to choose someone whose compatibility with you goes deeper than the surface.
Personal Ad
Single, Male, 22 years, Libra.
Poor, 1.76m tall, too light for my own good ...
likes to take risk; hence POOR..
focus on value, for the moment.. memories are priceless
plans; delights in spontanteous activities...
never bothers too much to stand out, or worry abt voicing out political incorrect issues;
can't take being part of a sterotype, looks great in 'gay' colour clothes
has spinal degeneration, but loves a work-out..
can't get good insurance coverages for lifetime protection.., no security ensured!
sips wine not hard liquor..
can't spell; reasonable vocab..
prefers Jazz, smooth & chill.. n the ocassional angry crazy rock but never TRANCE!
enjoys entertaining infront of the masses; prefers cozy small crowds..
believes in friendship amongst lovers; past, present or future..
dislikes irresponsibility; loves a pro-active person..
self-confidence in self, sexuality and beliefs are so sexy; the ability to express them strongly and in their own style ~ major turn-on/captures my total attention.
Looking for someone to be my best friend; rock; joy, angel, comfort, connection.
someone that will never leave my mind, settles my heart and spurs my soul for the great prize above.
Listening to People..
U know at times... what is the hardest?
hmm..i think its listening to what others have to say..
if its good and warranted.. its called advise
when its not so good good but still make sense its call feedback..
but when its not good, makes no sense..its criticism.. right?
how do you know when to listen to others, when to shut it out?
When u stop listening, u are seem to be a proud; stuck-up bitch/person etc..
but does it mean when u listen to every advise u're not a proud person too? I've heard people who proudly claim to listen to every advise given.. imagine that!
does being a good listener mean u're a great guy/gal? I don't think so.. becoz empathy is a great gift.. but there some poor souls that aren't able to shut out from listening to others ; or worst still ...can't tell the difference between good advise or poor ones...maybe sometimes it not the advise..but the person who gives it might have other motives..oh well.. we're not angels ourselves aren't we?
its never possible to aplease everyone. u only succed in making others miserable including yourself in the long run..
i'm a person who enjoys blessing others.. but yes, sometimes I do feel the bug that i'm cheap labour or being taken advantage of.. but i guess..that in some ways is me reaping and living a lifestyle that i hopes would honour God more. When I feel like crap .. i know its only becoz I'm seeing what is tangiable infront of me.. what I can't see..my treasures will be many folds over.
i guess we all have our filters to protect us.. but do check your filters regurlarly.. it may be discrimination.. or it may also something wonderful that protects you and gives u the 'winners' mentality..
Cheers.