Alot abt nothing..

I've been thinking over many things in the last few days,
and would like to share them here.

Getting out-of-point
Ever consider that the life we're leading is out of point, out of focus?
ill-logical...going thru the motions..
trapped in some system that keeps repeating itself?
These days, I tend to challenge myself to answer this simple question,
"wat's the point...?"

let me further expound on this in my own personal walk..

In the last few weeks, I've been in my 'formation training team' preparing for a badminton competition. We spent weeks training, pushing our bodies, getting our shots right..etc..
and for the first time in over 7years, I was in active badminton training again.
But I'm no longer the 14yr old kid, with potential etc..
instead, I'm a 21yr old, physically 'broken', emotional irratic and mentally off-tanget with the others..
Then, I met the guys in the tournment..many of these young men, I've never seen for the last 7 years. I saw part of their potential reliazed.
Unlike me, they too suffered injuries, but they recovered, they continued training. When we were kids, we were close training partners, but now, I hardly believe they recognised me anymore. Infact, I'm often too ashamed to be once their team-mates.
In fact, after spending months, giving my best into the training, my body collapsed again. What irony, I took enuff painkillers to numb out the pain, but in doing so, when I ripped my right arm muscles, I didn't notice till its all too late.
Stupid isn't it?
But does that mean silly old me, gave up?
Nope, I didn't.
Infact, my role in the team became team 'driver', I give people rides in n out, I'm the loudest cheer-leader, hoping to drive the team forward. Infact, if u want, I can even tell you the cost of team spirit building..its $65 per week for 6 guys. My team-mates have been nice, generally co-operative and helpful, and from the bottom of my heart, I'm thankful for them..Its really been the second best, without ever getting a chance to be on the floor. But is that the point for me?

point2--->THe next aspects of life is being 'understood'..
I think the human connection is such wonderful gift from above. But many of us, tend to only treasure it when lost right?

Therefore this connection is simply making things being understood much easier.
I believe we all go thru this stage of needing to be understood..To be accepted reagardless. But like many fairy tales, happily ever after isn't an ending.

Having gone thru countless misunderstandings, we all should be familiar with the impact and consequences of letting it dragged on. But do we even bother to resolve them or just hope that time will resolve them. Time never does solve anythin. If any, its becoz when we take some time out, we're better able to resolve things with more maturity(not related with age!!)or in a better emotion stage.

Then there is the sudden realization that we've this intense immense need to be understood. How we wish that somone out that would understand every single we do. But is tat asking too much from fallen beings? We call people who understand us better,as soul-mates, confidants...etc..but they all mean one thing, they're ppl that we want to be understood and be accepted by. I know of couples(married!!) that hardly understand what each other is doing, and there are friends who spent so much together, u think they're the same.

What does this mean? What's the point in being understood? To me, its just as important as 'love'..benefical and 'prodcutive', but its a weapon that can be abused, toyed, insulted, and mistreated.. you think u really need it, but really, u won't die without it either.

To understand someone takes time, takes both parties being willing to open up, to not judge the other, to be vulnerable..and yes initative is important too.
If we find this person is important, special, worthy..loving enuff..do we dare take the first step and let ourselves to be understood in the first place. We can't say no-one will ever understand us, that maybe so true, but part of it is how willing are we letting people understand us. Not everyone is a God.

Myself? Honestly, I don't even know if I understand my life. I take long walks, I sit by myself, reflecting asking myself ...trying to understand it all. I knew wat is like to be understood, and accepted, its really special..I hope I learn to treasure it..and I humbly try to understand others if they want me to.

---------------next--------------
faithfulness & unconditional love
On monday, my cousin asked me a very good question,
"where's the picture of the latest girl I'm dating?"
I simply said none.
but this question was direct and real.
It could even be re-masked to the countless question, "how've you been dealing with the breakup?" in fact, funny as it is, I get asked this question in church by the adults, in the toilet during prayer meets...haha..even during the customary greetings..

The simple fact is, yes-I kinda get the fact that I'm a single, unattached male.
So if u're asking if I know I'm no longer in a relationship---yesh..I know that!but if u're asking if I've gotta over the beautiful lovely lady, the simple answer is No. I wish I can lie to you and say I don't feel anything for her. Trust me, some guys have tried very hard. Haha..instead I think they enjoy themselves more than me.
I can't really explain why I feel this way. Isn't love a word, an emotion? Isn't my love being one-sided if it is, unstainable..it should be. In fact, I often wonder if my feelings are like adultery.. I don't 'strip' her in my mind. In fact, I can assure I've near zero sex drive now. Trust me, wet nights are getting common ..haha. But I know deep inside this love, is kinda 'unconditional'..in some sense, although I admit I lack wisdom to fully grasp the meaning of unconditional love. But I do know, there's not much she can do to make me love her less. Sometimes, I react that if she maybe hates me, it would make me feel better. This 'punishment' I felt, would be fitting for me. To be ignore by her, to wait for a promise that never(never say never??) be fulfilled...A-part of me believes, this is silent treatment is wat I deserve. She has shown tremedous restrain. May the Good Lord reward her for that.
I know my name will send her away, but I tell myself I will not stoop to another level. She has always deserve my best, and if my best is to shut-up..I must learn to restrain no matter the cost.

I know this single 'faithfulness' and theory of unconditional love is silly and rather amusing for many. The world tells us, its okay to move on, shag another lady, hit another score, go send out love...but I guess, I 'm too old-fashion for it. I live in a Frank sintra era~moon-river n all, while the rest are practising 'punk'-rock love stories.. I don't think I'm noble becoz of this. I just know fully-well, I will not hurt another lady, by asking her to love me, if I can't love her in the manner she deserves. I can't be faithful to anyone else if my heart has already a name in it. I'm not trying to let it grow, becoz I know if I did, I'm digging a grave of disappointment and hurts..so I simply submit it to him, every single day.

lastly----dealing with pain..
I'll be honest, I'm weak in this.
I can bare pain.
Chew on it.
But I fail in making it stronger ..
I honestly wonder if my character is being moulded in the first place.
Physically pain, has made me humble, more patient, more trusting in his plan.
Emotionally pain has taught me how to withdraw, how not to larbour others,to restrain..
but I fail, 4 to 5 out of 10..
I allow myself to cry when I feel hurt, but only at times of the day...
when I'm driving alone, when I'm on my bed, in the shower..becoz..I've to control them. Either I control my emotions better, or my emotions will continue to control my life, my destiny.
Days, when loneliness strike, at home, I filled it with meaningless PS2 games, sitting it out..sometimes praying,though temporal comfort sink in, it often leaves me drier..
I fail badly, when I lost my restrain and sms her. I don't deny I really would love a reply, but I know I don't deserve one. I write rubbish, at times only logical ones.. but I know her only reply would be, "how've u been?" I'm not even asking a report..silently, there'll be days I wish she would ask me the same. But she hasn't, n I've not dare to say so. Funny eh?
Should I sms others too? Haha, trust me, I hardly get calls these days, sms are usually abt work..so well.. I tell myself whenever I get one, I'll treasure it properly and give the person the answer he/she deserves. Thus, when I get one letter replies,I get the drift.
and slowly I'm getting used to it.

~~~~the end~~~~~