What is Real

As the new year closes in,
and the reflection of the year gone by..

Do you sit there & give thanks,
or do you hide in a corner... realizinig what has gone by.

I'm in a limbo. a lost state. Vaccum..

Figure this out..

I started of this year, believing it to be a year, of growth, re-newal.. and fruits.
With the end of 2004, I was quitely optimistic. My little faith voice said, it'll all be good.

With little impression, I said let's make this year to remember.

However, I do hope to forget 2005 in a hurry if possible, but this year will surely mark as one that is never-easy but God's grace pull me thru.

Never, have I cried as much. Never in a year, has my faith been stretched all over the place.
Health, Finances, Work, Studies, Friends, Lifestyles, Priorities.

When i was young, I told myself I wouldn't allow myself to get hurt.. To be made a fool. But how I realized that i'm more of capable of doing it on my own. Sinking to depression isn't a fun thing. And sometimes, I seem to drift away from it all, and to top it all off.. I managed to sink in twice. And honestly, I've no idea if I've gotten over it.

Maybe I never will. Tat's the dead honest truth. (sings blue eye blue.. to himself)

As what my Cell leader said, hey hey, you've alot of philosphy to say eh?
in other words, woah.. man.. you're spilling too much bull@@#$

Sometimes it bothers me, when i said the honest truth, people look at me and either laugh.. "like you can't be serious?"
or have the... "you gotta go counselling" ..look/comment.

Haha. Its like you've to ask permission to be yourself. To be who I believe God has set you to be.

Don't say what i can't do. Or what I won't. I rather strive to appreciate the beauty of limitations and capabilities.

Like what someone told me that rings so loudly in my thoughts," Don't tell me that, from you, I can't hear it thru.."

Yeah. We all wear filters at times don't we?? Maybe we even filter our own reflections from ourselves!!

But more than anythin else, this year, I've learn what I cannont accept; as being part of my life prinicipals. Nothing to shout about. Maybe more than anything else it could be pride, but then again.. we all have to make a stand in our lives.

I'll always have to be who I'm. Whom God has shown me to become. Anything less, anything more. I'm a liar.

New Year ... a change of calandar..

..........a new beginning..

Sometimes, its just takes a song to describe all your emotions..
without music, how do we express ourselves this clearly?

let me share..what's deep in my heart for the pain needs an outlet..

By diane warren.. Blue Eyes Blue

I thought that you’d be loving me.
I thought you were the one who’d stay forever.
But now forever’s come and gone
And I’m still here alone.

’cause you were only playing,
You were only playing with my heart.
I was never waiting,
I was never waiting for the tears to start.

It was you who put the clouds around me.
It was you who made the tears fall down.
It was you who broke my heart in pieces.
It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue.
Oh, I never should have trusted you.

I thought that I’d be all you need.
In your eyes I thought I saw my heaven.
And now my heaven’s gone away
And I’m out in the cold.

’cause you had me believing,
You had me believing in a lie.
Guess I couldn’t see it,
I guess I couldn’t see it till I saw goodbye.

Chorus

’cause you were only playing,
You were only playing with my heart.
I was never waiting,
I was never waiting for the tears to start.

It was you who put the clouds around me.
It was you.

Chorus

Oh, I never should have trusted you.
Oh, I never should have trusted you.
Oh, I never should have trusted you.
--------------------------------
thank you darling. God be with you always.

Don't they know its Christmas?

What is Christmas..
this could be easily one of the most talked about topic over this period, but it interesting to hear from each and every one person, thru their own circumstances, in the midst of daily struggles...

Christmas.. has and had always been a time for me to be with my family. A time spent for the the people I still see everyday, people that I love dearly.. to slow things down.. and simply just be .. family.

Fancy meals or not, that isn't important. Its more important for a family of 6 to squeeze in a small Nissian Sunny, to talk about this year, to encourage each other. To let each one know, "hey... I care."

In a couple of hours, we're going to have our family Christmas dinner. Feels great to have everyone sitting around, eating and drinking.. but I don't think that will be the most memorable time for me this Christmas. For me, this year, would be when, all 6 of us, serving our home church, Queenstown Lutheran Church. To sum it up, we were basically doing what Joshua said;"As for me and my household, I'll serve the Lord." Each one of us, were doing our bit to serve, God's kingdom..God's people.

That's what Christmas is for me this year. Service in God's kingdom..as a family.

Presents wise, I'm really fortunate, to have enough to buy presents for my siblings.. The presents that they would really want to have. So to be given a chance to bless them with it, was a blessing itself. N yeah, its going to be cheap food and travel for the next few weeks, but I would always rather give a gift that would cost something, rather than a gift of no value.

Hmm, last but not least.. well, winning the bowling competition wasn't ... Well, to win seemed good. Thank God that my arm recovered in time. And we had good fun winning it in style. But, I would like to dedicate the win..

to.. my 'lost' family.

To you and all..

Cheers. Treasure .god's giftings always..

on the road of recovery

the road home is always the most expectant, the most exciting..its like waiting to open presents on Christmas day. And no, I've little festive mood or cheer. Not that I've nothing to give thanks for.. but.. pardon the words, but why we only wait till this day to express affection to others.. to take a 'proper' rest..etc.. And no, Christmas parties isn't a hallmark invention..it was actually done by coca-cola .. don't u get the colours of Santa's outfit? Now it seems, the beer companies do it better..

But its rather thru all these festive cheer, I turn once again to 'morbid' mode.. HAHA.. Well, if you do count how many Christmas you've spent with your love(d) ones.. and how many chances you would have, I believe this celebration is going to be more insightful in the manner you appreciate things.

What I've realize on the road of recovery~closer to the kingdom of heaven then I was the day before.

Many of us lack the ability to truly do what our heart; our spirit commands us to do. We give in to all sorts of vices, our own pride & prejudice etc.. Its really when the holy spirit grants us insight and wisdom that we learn and search our hearts; motivations towards the things we do.

Speaking of P&P.. yes, its a very a good flim if you enjoy watching Kerian Knightely..but other than her, its a very typical Jane Austin book when relationships, personal afflicition are put under a microsopic view. How often we're guilty of when Lizze or Mr Darcy's folly? So much aren't we? It may not be for a sweet heart/hunk..but our friends, family, even people we meet but have our own reservations to approach.. Aren't we suffering from the same as what this couple have. If only we truly look at how ugly we're or we can be.

And when I finally end up at the broken stage, I know my answer does not lie in another person, in the right philosphy in life.. the KARMA.. or as the fortune-teller tells me.. (yeah, a fortune-teller tried to speak into my life..but well, I think its rather amusing!)

the answer simply lies in the cross.

we can be all that we can. But we can never be the cross. We're nothing in comparsion. If we're not a hidrance.. (how often we don't know we're, till the spirit tells us so or when others rebuke us!! maybe ignorance will never allow that to happen?)
...we should then always intercede in the manner of the cross.

I'm not going to write a sermon, but I do strongly agree and feel led by the spirit of what is being 'taught' on the daily devotional for the 20th of Dec. It may or may not speak to you..but my prayer that a seed or insight would be granted to you.

I need the cross, though I fear it too much to even wear it over my neck.. Maybe I should tatoo it on my arm or something.
My new racket broke again. It has been sometime I've been this angry. But I give thanks that the Lord allow it to happen with the right person, with the right people around. Thank you father.
I know and I can sense my spirit.. I know I'm coming back to you soon. Please teach me and allow your servant to grow. I can't wait to be back with you father. I sense it near.

Grant me the strength to put it in the right perspective. Amen.

Sweet Agony

It is life demands and Gods teaching; poles apart; then you realize that the more recieved, the more you achieve in this world, the sicker and deeper in agony I remain.

What does that mean?

The more successful we can be; and not have our roots firmly in place of God's word... the further we can drift or remain in agony. Perspective of everything gets lost.

I lack perspective now, but I humbly have to learn to give thanks for the favour. A favour that I honestly rather not have.

I rather give up all the favour that seems to be in my way in my career; give it all up for what I feel is the most important. Immediately, the self-righteous me stands in my way between my relationship & God.

Its like me telling him, what you give is good; but not good enough. And I run away from it all. I ran becoz, I'm so used to pain, I just want to achieve what I feel I need most. I think I know better. And like a stubborn kid, refusing to give in.. I think my pride in me; is something I have to keep putting it before the cross. A cross that puts me to shame.

I ask not for your concern because; its pointless. Its the same with intercession. Extracting a pearl of wisdom from My highest for the Utmost
"People describe intercession by saying, "It is putting yourself in someone else’s place." That is not true! Intercession is putting yourself in God’s place; it is having His mind and His perspective."

Intercession isn't feeling sorry for me or anyone else. Its a firm believe of the work on the cross. Its unshakable believe of a brother/sister having the love of God and having the perspective of God praying and proclaiming the promise.

Sweet Agony. Maybe that is why I hate reading books. Something happens after you read a an empowering book
~ "hey that was a mighty good book!" You can't be the same after that. You shouldn't be.

And neither should I be. Neither should any of us; having been taken from hell's gate to live a life that was before. We're bought with a price. I have to remind my self that.. Constantly. At many times, I wish others would remind me too..

We're free... Free to experience God's love. Free to love. For our freedom; our bondage to sins is broken. But in return; we're a bondslave to Christ. Not becoz we deserve it. Or we earn it. Becoz, we've to learn to put down our pride...

"And never be the same again."

Friends, if there is one song that I would love to share with u..

1 song to dedicate to you my love.

this would be it.

MoonRiver

music by Henry Mancini, lyrics by Johnny Merce

Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.

© 1961 Paramount Music Corporation, ASCAP

Enough of Rubbish

sometimes I get so sick with all this crap!
does it reflect a lack of inner peace in me?
more so a sense of feeling helpless of wanting to do something but with no power or influence to do so.

I gladly renounce the influence I've for its pointless to brag. I rather speak as a common fool. For why take a fool's words @ heart, but then again.. this piece isn't about challenging your perception nor is it about what is politically correct.

A blog is an expression of my thoughts. Mine. They're not exhaustive, neither are they fairtales. It could be coffee table gossip or just a tool of entertainment. I write. You read. I Thank you.

Read my mantle piece ...

to have the peace to accept the things I can't change?
How do I accept.. To submit to God's will.. or to let nature take its course..
either way, human choice of obedience isn't as absolute as it meant.
I believe you only know enough.

Cruel jokes are aplenty. I don't know to laugh or cry. You don't want to remember; it pops back. believe in accidents? I don't.

I work my ass off, to tire my body so that it won't think; so that when my head is place on a pillow, it'll shut down. So far, its working very well. But how long can I avoid, or banish the thoughts.
The simple humanstic longing.. is it carnal? its a matter of perspective; half-full...half-empty..

I wish I could be as suave as others, just let it go. Schedule matters, relationships get chucked aside in our busy schedules..and despite my personal disgust with it, I find myself no different; allowing work to be an escape of real issues.

But the Lord seeks my heart. Knows my every thought.

And you think I write this for pity, amusment.. For those who have the time and attention to piss others off, why don't you piss on me.. I've been inviting it.

Trust me. I may enjoy it more than you. No offense to the rest. You've been real, as much as news are impartial.(i think)

Soon, I'll get to celebrate the anniversay of it all. I'm think of keeping it as a day of mourning, but also a strong madate of God opening my eyes in the world of human relationships I've rather kept myself apart.

It is as simple at times as this... do you change the world; or the world changes you? Pay it forward..Take it first.. Choose your posion.

Its a bit of both eh?

But the bittersweet tragic issue is simply that I'm who I'm.

I chose to let the world sit on me. For simply, as a fool I believe in the truth. in the power of love. the power of faith to move spirits, and the stubborness to say, I will not let things just go. I'm a man that will go to the extremes if needed, and I'll continue to accept that I stick out like a sore thumb. U can hate the game, or the player...maybe even both.

But then again, my actions are completely whack. Stupid. Idoitic. Becoz.. I'm afraid what i want; isn't the plan he has instore for me. Look ahead. Forget the past. That's the modern day matra with wisdom in it.

They say lovers no more; can't be friends. Buddies that have drift apart will only drift further. The weak can't lead the strong. Rubbish. I don't believe that. I believe others won't believe. I don't believe its impossible.

Impossible isn't a restriction. Neither is it an adjective. Impossible is the limits of our faith.

I know the limits of my faith. i know only what I won't do.

Do you?

The Teacher named Pain

The greatest teacher in my short life, has been Pain.
Physical, Emotional... pain have taught more things in my life and has been able to prove my charachter, my thoughts more than I imagine.

Although I'm not loving it, but pain itself, is such a wonderful teacher in my life, that I'm really learning to embrace it more than ever. But with embracing pain or suffering, agony ... the impact seems to lessen, so does the beauty of love, affection and attention.

Physical pain has taught me the plan set-out for me from above. Without it, I wouldn't be carrying the scars, but neither would the depth (actually shallow) of my personality and preservence be moulded. Humility, perspective wouldn't have been challenge so often; neither would the opportunity of friendships, and lifestyle be changed ...

Emotional pain has wisen me up...the manner I approach life. Although, I still regard myself very much the fool, but I'm a glad fool. I'm glad I no longer worry about waiting for love, or ... attention.. emotional pain has reminded me where my bedrock should be. For the very investment we place in humans, a great risk, the returns are always enjoyable. But like it or not, I think we fail people just as often. We can have the right intentions, but we're not God. So let's remain human.

One man above others taught me about pain.. and how we can learn from it. Although I've never finished reading his books, Mr Bob Sorge..his sermons & seeing him around has become the greatest teacher of pain~perspective in my life. If you ever get the chance, you would be blessed by his sharing.

Here I'm... writting all these at 3am in the morning. The whole week has been really full-steam work in my new career. But I believe this work has been arranged for me from above. Indeed, I'm eternally thankful for his providence, although I don't have much, but to have enough to bless others...is a blessing by itself.

Without taking my painkillers for close to a month now, the pain is horrid. It reminds me of my human limits, but it also makes me feel alive. Feel closer to him. Like it or not, pain is one of the most powerful manner God uses to mould us to be like his son. Not all pain is God-honouring though, but pain changes things.

I'm in pain. But I rather feel it, then feel nothing at all.

Learning to unwind

I gotta learn how to unwind.
To let things out in a better manner.
To achieve the balance.
To accept things the way they're.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I work, I set standards for myself..
and when I don't feel they're met, I get very replusive towards myself.
Maybe its a sign of low-self-esteem or too much Pride, I don't know which.

And although generally, I don't consciously set standards for others, but I do get kinda 'annoyed' if things aren't done up well.. Or atleast I expected the person could do better. And I'm the kinda person, who's usually very frank of my expression. When I hate it, I'm quite certain you'll know it.

So where do I find the margin of being tactful & real.. Maybe I've to allow myself to fail more.. although i don't detest failing, but I'm a strong believer that excellence honours God, so I very pressed towards excellence. I AIM FOR IT

And I've also realized how these days, I don't even know why I get into pointless arguments. Like today, I didn't agree with what was being said, thus I just took 3 seconds odd, to let it hang out, and realize how stupid this could lead too.. So even though I didn't agree, I just wanted to get it over and done with. Was I rude, I don't know. But I just knew very clearly, that this was one of those topics you could aruge to the "cows come home and still find it pointless.." and I wasn't really upset with the topic or even the person I was having the conversation with, I was just so pissed with myself that I allowed the topic to even mellow to that point. It was like me looking for a verbal fight. (Yes, I do miss debates..) To cut it off immediatly must have been rude, but I just knew if that went on, only rubbish would come in, nothing God honouring would ever take place.

And you know what.. hours later.. I did several more stupid; God dis-honouring acts. Without going to detail, I just felt later in the night, to go to a quiet place and pray. So I left the crowd, and sat far away. And I prayed. Tear a little...I prayed becoz I felt so empty once again. Just emotionally lost.

I enjoy my work now. And I'm using it to mask over my personal emotional pain and sorrow.. And many times, I take it in place of my quiet time.

Quiet times for me is like crying time. Praying time. And until my heart is open, my spirit becomes sensitive again, I'm lost to the nature of God. What I read is head knowlege, all theory of God doesn't make me love him any bit more.

Maybe I need obedience. Or more counselling..Above all things.. I need Jesus.

We all need Jesus.

Still human

I'm still so human. Tired & washed-out.
Driven; but with only faith as a guide..

. . whatever you do, do all to the glory of God
—1 Corinthians 10:31

That's been a leading principal in my life.
A principal that I often fail to live up to.
Becoz, surely in a day or two, I would fall short of the glory of God. My actions would be deem .... worthless.

Do you ever reflect on that?

What does it mean to do all for the Glory of God? Its no easy task.

Can I glorify God when I miss people? When I meet clients..Is that possible?

Are Christian heros' the ones that go on stage and be appreciated?
How about those whose steadfast faithfulness; although it wasn't any news-worthy, but his/her vigor and committment is many times stronger.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Interesting point to note for myself...
Going for a wedding dinner alone is a bad idea for me.
I think somehow, I got to pray for the heart to overcome it.
Becoz, each time in a wedding, my heart and mind aches...it tears apart..
and I find myself going to the toilet so often to compose myself. Haha.
Its so stupid. I'm so stupid.

I got to know where I stand(pun intended!)I don't like to be compared to others. I rather appreciated each and everyone in their manner. And I know, I'm not in the physical condition to take care of anyone; that will be my saving grace. My answer to the countless tears that seems to have no end in sight. I'm a fool.

I gotta continue to busy myself with work. My personal life with others is a mess, work has become my escape. Prayer works. But to what extend? I don't think I'm at a level to pray for it so much anymore. I'm not really convicted that I deserve it anymore.

Never the less, be appreciate of what you're.

I'm still human after all.

-->What am I to you?

Anyone heard this song from Norah Jones?
Lovely.. in her unique manner, she asks a simple thought-provoking question.

What am I to you? What are you to others?

Its my greatest regret; that my failure as a testimony, communicating to the world that who I'm today, what I can be, is all due to above. Nothing else.

Why do I labour? To provide for friends, family.. love ones..

Why do I do so for my loved ones? 'becoz of love from above showered in my life.

So wat's my response? Simply to love others, to travel that extra mmile not becoz I'm a nice guy, but becoz that is my daily life pour in reverence to the love that I don't deserved. To kingly grace that I need so badly.

I'm a perfectly weak person. I claim not to be a strong believer, not a reverend leader, becoz how does one lead with no-one to follow.. But I believe in making an IMPACT in the lives of others. For my life has been impacted.

So What am I to you? I know I'm weak. I wished for so many 2nd chance. I wished you could trust me, not avoid me. But I cannont force you. Only you can make yourself accept me. What have I done wrong? What price must I pay for your friendship, love. Am I so horrid?

I don't wait for love. How'on.. I'm a sick man. I've handicaps, and more so than anyone else. I live in a life of physical pain always. Pain keeps me on my toes, and I know life is so short. I can't forever keep trying to restore broken or wandering friendships. I'm willingly to invest, but it seems I'm all too late..

~all at sea.~~~~~~~~

But no matter what, friends.. I love you. For you all mean something special to me. Each one of you, some more than the rest. But I'll treasure the moments we had, and look forward to the future ...till we meet again in heaven.

"In the end, everything will be okay; if its not okay, then its not the end!" - Dr. Andrew Goh,@ National Primary Young Leaders Day 2005

Re-visiting Older topics & addressing them..

Why do I write what I write...in the manner that I do so?

Well, although techicially, I'm the ONLY main writer of this blog, I'm also actively aware of my responsbilites as this web-log; blog, is accessible to all..
But its never my intention to highlight myself, promote myself.. or even gain pity. Henceforth, I do appreciate the many write-ins.. but rest-assured.. being on this journey..your encouragement is greatly appreciated but never the intention other to aplease and be a witness of my faith in this time of my life.. for the greater works are in place.
Thus, please never go and cast judgment on others due to my comments.. For they remain exclusivly mine..and its never my intention to defamed anyone; although at times a few choice words are used to express the severity of what I percieve. Do I always know what's happening...like it or not.In the world, its more likely that I'll may never get a chance to do so. Its a fact proven by Stats...or a simple draw pool that can be done anywehere..

Thus remember....till one man claims he/she has no sin; one should never cast the judgment...for in the same manner of judgment will be used upon u.. and many times over.

Anyone think they can bear judgment on themselves?

I don't think I can..Becoz even though I pratices being the harest critic to myself.. its still going to be a might burden .. Even judging myself is already a challenge for me; what more for it to be many times over!

Thus, may I plead that one should never cast any judgment in stone... however hard it might be.. sometimes, just allow the chance that we can be wrong.. Its not just for the person, its also for yourself. So that your heart will not be consumed by bitterness.. You'll believe in God's ability to turn the person to be more like his son.. and mind you; we don't have the capability to do so, only thru the holy spirit.. and with the individual's willingness would there be a relationship for the individual & Christ.

(If you think I've realized a wrong judgment I made...well, that hasn't happened yet..but I choose to still look at the glass being half-full; not half-empty.)

there's so much more the write..but I gotta go...God willing..one day I'll write them in again..

But.. consider this..what is the motivation of your every single action..Do u always end up asking yourself.. should I be doing more or less.. When its not neccessary, but out of the right spirit...will you still do it?

Think about it.

Faith Vs Common sense

"Without faith it is impossible to please Him . . ."
—Hebrews 11:6
From a daily devotional..http://www.rbc.org/utmost/

Faith in active opposition to common sense is mistaken enthusiasm and narrow-mindedness, and common sense in opposition to faith demonstrates a mistaken reliance on reason as the basis for truth. The life of faith brings the two of these into the proper relationship. Common sense and faith are as different from each other as the natural life is from the spiritual, and as impulsiveness is from inspiration. Nothing that Jesus Christ ever said is common sense, but is revelation sense, and is complete, whereas common sense falls short. Yet faith must be tested and tried before it becomes real in your life. "We know that all things work together for good . . ." ( Romans 8:28 ) so that no matter what happens, the transforming power of God’s providence transforms perfect faith into reality. Faith always works in a personal way, because the purpose of God is to see that perfect faith is made real in His children.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What does all that mean for common real-world situations?

Well, faith...and common sense, the litmus test is always in relationships... And I'm for one, poorer of it.
I'm a fool, in the sense that my love, has made me become, "wrapped around the finger" of a loved. And I just seem to linger on there. Where has common sense when u need it right?
It begs the question, is faith just only reserved for GOD or can we even have faith in fellow fallen beings.. Its so alike to be in a relationship with a dying person. U'll feel the sting, you know u'll get hurt, but heck...u'll still do it becoz u think its worth it.
I had. And constantly, it begs to be broken.
My mum used to chide that I'm too trusting with people; actually what she meant, was that I actually have too much faith in people...Which is ironic, becoz, if u do know me, I don't have faith easily with anyone, but when I do....I'll stick with it. Even to the point of riducle, until ...I'm found to be a fool.

So this topic is so relevant in my life. Let me share with brutual honestly, that I struggle with faith Vs common sense each day I awake. I don't know where should faith come in or where common sense should prevail. Yes, common sense is wisdom dilute; but none-the-less, just as important, if not blind faith would be so destrucive.

Let me share with u my 'faith' journey..(and this isn't about the blame game, rather an active demostration of MY stupidity ...and lack of common sense!)

When, I went thru all the emotional challenges from late late last year till early this year, my faith in most relationship kinda shattered. I had a hard time trusting promises; words...etc..but stupidilty, I had faith in God and the very person who begun the shattering of my trust system..maybe its blind faith, but u must understand, when u've love...somewhere inside ...there lies faith inside the package of love.

Anyway, thus while my faith in God grew... although I never got a personal encounter, but God's faithfulness...his promises..his love..his freedom..has grown my spirit man.

Relationship wise, my faith never grew, becoz she never would have allowed it. So in the absence of communication, and going thru self-doubt, being 'ignored'..but somehow although the faith is eroding, but just the very fact there was enough faith to deny common sense.

What was my faith in the person? Well, she made it very clear she won't return to me unless God told her to. She had a long story on what she felt God was leading her into her life. Thus God didn't ask her to break-up but she needed to be willing to give-up her love for me to exchange it, so that her love for God will be No.1..etc..She once said she would pray about that, but I didn't think that lasted very long.She said when she was free, she would contact me again. Never happened. She said she would guard her heart..Doesn't seem like it..She said she wouldn't foresake mutual friends..they're now ignored~in a less sense. Then, one day followed by, a request for friendship & honesty..etc.. she told me not to have negative thoughts etc.Then She would seem to be holding back something..Half-truths..are like lies. However with friends advising me otherwise, I still believe in every word she said. But each time, I get so lost, when common sense would challenge me otherwise...and I would point-blankly sms her; but honestly, there'll be no reply. (oh yeah, the offical reason was that she's too poor to reply every single sms!) so I don't know. Maybe its becoz, I'm still awaiting the day, we'll sit down and really just talk. But I realize, she wouldn't meet me on common ground..or to have the love & respect as a friend. It'll be on her terms. SO why should I even bother then...I don't know.

Could it be becoz I believe we had something special. A gift from heaven. And I wanted to honour it, love it...in any way I can.

The price for that faith- x01 e.ring..($500) x01 NUS biz place(-$20,000) Lawyer fees ($540++) broken plans...(priceless)

I write all these not to spite her. But to be accountable to the people who have cared for me. Its not my intention to blame her, rather I should be the one! I was willingly party..to be wrapped around..like a finger..like a love slave.. If all these would help her in her reflections in life, and she goes back to GOD ...and seek his pardon..it'll be good for her spiritually.

I bear no more resentment. Becoz, its so tiring to be even bothered about it. I've laid in the hospital(n(d)umb in pain) praying for someone who treats me in this manner, and I did it willingly. I've no complains. This circumstances has taught me more about myself and faith.

Every gift I gave, however small, like a bag of chocolates, I did it out of love, with a price..Likewise in this blog..I lay down my pride..

Now, with only faith in GOD, he brings me to a new place of worship. A new season. Its only after a period of time, when God really allows u to show u what u've learnt to the rest. Its not the fancy songs,haughty declarations or a new 'ministry'..for we all can go back to the same mould in a matter of months, rather..I pray that God will be delighted that I've grown..my faith in him..is strengthen.

I'm a fool for I've more faith than common sense. GO ahead, mock me.

Why do you Work?

In the last few months, I've been expending my work portfolio..
but neglected my online resume...

The question that begs to be answered is why do you work?

If its simply to honour God and earn peanuts, we should all just take the "noble, job fulfilling ones..or become monkeys"

But what if it seems God is laying another challenge?
Becoz right now, for me, I don't know if that is what God's laying before my eyes.

Looking back, I've been asking God about the career path that I should be taking to honour God. So, every since the day I rejected to further my academics immediately, due to a very personal reason(its not $)..I've been plagued with this question.
What's next...where to work next..and quite frankly, its not going to be hard to get a job that pays more than $420++ that my national enlistment entitles me to...but then again, my medical bills should off-set everything.

so its another time for reality check.

What's a decent manner to evulate a job offer?

1. Career prospects?
2. Pay?
3. Work environment?
4. Passion?
5. Job security?
and for everyone, these answers would vary isn't it?

For me? I thank all 5 are very important..But which should be top piority? Gosh..I don't know. Being a "free" markeing/branding consultant has allowed me to evulate all these in greater detail.. And like my first job, I seem to discover that I can do most job, but I need to find out what is the job that I won't do..
Here's my evluation
I love a great challenge. Thus for a marketer, to be given a challenge to build a brand, to pit your wits, guts and instincts seems too wonderful a chance to pass up..But then again, would my overall lack of experience hurt the business? But that also means I'm not restricted by 'regulations'..

Pay? Dollars do make sense however much we want to play it down.. The Lord says the son of man has no roof over his head; but he also promises that if the Lord our God has provided for the birds and vegetation, wouldn't he provide for those he loves dearly?...I honestly, do suffer badly in financial matters. Am I a spendthrift? I don't know.. Yes, I do admit that I treasure qualtiy products, but I never believe in spending for myself..Maybe I spent too much on others. God have given me the opportunity to hand over my last $10 for funeral donations, and I didn't die when there was no money.Then again, I've been blessed by others finanically too.. So in a sense, I don't think the love of money is a stronghold, but I do feel a horrid sense, when I'm aware of how well people can source for income, and spend on so many other wants, while I struggle to save the other $ so that I can have enough for that gift.. I'm honestly tired of feeling poor! I pray its not jealousy, but really, sometimes I wonder why my earning ability never seems to be decent compared to others..Saving money alone is dumb!! The worst irony was when, I finally saved enough for a decent ring, the pre-martial counselling course, I felt a little sense of worth, all these turned to be usless in my new life. Now, I need to get income to pay for insurance. Reality check.

Work surroundings is such an unstable circumstance issue.. Its like emotions, undepenable but wields so much influence in our lives...maybe its just like can you bear with it? so people will never work with their friends for fear that disagreements in work will affect relationships; some people are just such great social creatures, they make friends where-ever they work ..

Passion & job security... seems like an impossible ideaology in these modern times. And unless with great foresight, a single event would change these into nought. But is it meaningless?

should I be an employee or join a partnership and venture into the great challenge?

I don't know. I only know that the Lord will bless me either way, but which choice would it be most pleasing to him; which choice would fulfill his promise. Both?
or neither......

Birthday.

Yesterday was my 22nd Birthday. And to me, although I don't usually show it..birthdays mean alot to me. Not the celebration, nor the cakes..even the presents..Although all of it, being very nice..isn't why I felt birthdays are so special.

Birthdays are like new year celebrations to me. Its a symbolic day, a day meant to celebrate your birthday, and also like another step...a new era...beginning.

For people with long-term sickness, birthdays also serves another beautiful reminder that God has pulled you thru another year. Its very meaningful. When would we know we could celebrate another time with friends & family?

Life itself, is already such a pain, why don't we really celebrate this day? I'm not saying in a self-righteous manner, but don't you think this is one day worth celebrating, to leave behind the gloom for even just a few hours...and enjoy it?

Now, let me share with you how I spent the day..

Fifteen minutes before the clock strike 12 on the 19th of Oct..I was sitting below my block..by the 'river'..praying and crying. It was a time for thanks-giving for me, another for reflection for me, and also a chance to keep praying for courage to face a new day. Kinda sombre way to start eh?

In the day, despite being on offical leave from work, I still met up with my committment to join the squash team in the tournment. I wasn't physically fit enough to play this year..but since I had given my word, months in advance that I'll be there for the tournment, I would want to fulfill it. And I did. I thought that event would be a half day event, but instead it was dragged till 3pm..Sad to say, the team tried very hard..but from 1st position, this year we got 4th. Disappointing it was, but guess not-one can go off in a winning style.

I drove down to Young Leaders's immediately after the event, as I too had given my word I would be there tat day to finish the marketing kit. And it was a nice pleasant surprise. They got me a very cute & sweet chocolate cake. Just the 4 of us. After work, I drove to Orchard to send colleagues, and also well, to buy cards.

While on the search of cards, I felt the sudden twich in my back. ANother attack of my spinal nerves had happen again in Taka. Fantastic...but I still managed to get some cards.

I was very glad, that I was able to pick up my dad from work...He had to work late, and for me, it was just a chance, to express my gratitude and love for him. It meant alot to me, that I was able to send him back, becoz it was also a time for us to just talk alittle.

Dinner was a family-home affair. Usually, our families go out to celebrate with a nice dinner, but due to a vehicular accident,any celebration outside would be a very bad financial move..atleast that's why I thought so. But I got to have prawns, and black chicken soup. That was a nice gesture from my mum.

I had an ice-cream birthday cake that I couldn't eat..becoz by then, I had already taken double dosage of painkillers. Thus, to prevent merlion effects, I just skip it all. I spent the last few hours of my 'special' day..battling giddness and pain...whilst 'guarding' my heart.

This birthday, I really had to learn how to capture every thought for Christ. I mean, I really do like to be appreciated..(who doesn't eh?) and I honestly do look forward to birthday wishes, not on an ego sake but..its just a blessing in itself. So to recieve 7 wishes in total was little flat. Haha. And to think, 2 of this people are childhood friends that I hardly ever kept much up-to-date..its really nice to know they remembered. The other 4 were from cell-members, the last, my insurance man. Haha.

I did get an annonymonus greeting on the blog..thank u..would u let me know who u're so that I get to personally thank you for it.

But what as it got to do with capturing every thought for Christ? Everything. Becoz, when I do feel glad that people wish me well, I had to give thanks to the Lord. When I'm depressed that several people I wished remembered deem seem to have forgotten this day, (the friends that love dearly, my heart..passion..)or are too busy to even send an sms...thus I get very sad.. I don't deny it. I even feel like crying over it. But maybe its my fault, that I didn't deserve it, for our friendship became so cold that well, I'm just never in your thoughts or reminders..hmmm...but before I could slip into depression mode, I had to go back to prayer...to capture every single thought to him. And when pain decided that my normal level 4 pain isn't enough, my body decided a level 7 odd trigger should be able to remind that even in little, I had alot to give thanks for.

Last year, was my best birthday celebration ever. This year, was well, remarkable.

Presents? I recieved a bar of chocolate, a home-made card, a belt...a tee-shirt. Altough I didn't recieve what I thought was the best symbolic gift for me this year, a watch..I still managed to give thanks for the gifts.

Wishes... I never blew out candles.. But I still got a chance to 'wish' for msyelf that the people around me will stay healthy & in joy...to own their faith and love God with all their heart.

Finally, I wish to end with this opinion. Birthdays to some, are no big deal. Well, yes..if its all about party~s, gifts... but if you really get the chance to dig into it, to appreciated it...the party would be so much more enjoyable with close friends, loved ones...just like on your death-bed.

Go on, cheers to this day..becoz this is the day, GOD chose to reveal his love for you, past the protection of your mothers' womb, and into his hands onto this fallen world.

Shattered inside..within me..again. IF u ever think being a Christian is milk & honey...Read on...

Lord, your servant becomes broken once again..

Why oh why does the sin of self-righteouness plauges me..?

Do I pity myself...why should I when its all my own-doing..

Returning back to the usual regimental life, I go back into a competition not as a player but a senior...seriously, what makes you think I can play squash at a competition level? I go there to fulfill a promise made to another, to be there for the rest..to be a servant literally, and back in the 'home-office', people who should know my heart calls me a liar, a scammer..haha..ironic isn't it...that I actually trust their heart, thus I didn't explain in detail..And boy, to feel so 'welcome'back was really crappy.. Why do you bitch when I'm capable to go out and help the team; I mean, mano-on-mano, take up the racket too..play the sport..I'll let u take my spot.

Its not anger in me tat boils, but a deep sense of hurt... What the heck ...are you trying to gain, have I not serve with my all .. Is my kindness a sign of being a doormat.. Come'on..I'm weak..yesh, but I've to make a stand and not just be another push-over..

Back in home, being mocked isn't enough, but to have to explain everything, to be questioned of a simple heart-felt intenion...oh wow.. and yesh, I know my birth doesn't matter, but can u stop rubbing it in..I understand we've no cash, atleast it always is at my time. I can live with it..Its not the first time. Just pls don't raise my hopes even one bit..

I had a great 21st birthday. Wasn't the gifts. The company; relationships were the best. Praise to God..thru all this circumstances..

And how do I end this evening, being totally heart-broken.. Becoz, there is love in me that I can't speak of. I can only pray that you'll be in good hands.. You may laugh, but my love for u is being refined...being tested..but as long as you're living well, whether you ever take the future into consideration, my pledge is something I didn't say at the spur of the moment. You should know, I don't do that. Pls hate me. Tell me so. For your reasons, your busy~ness, privacy; I 'll respect to the best of my ability,...But your possible fear of leading me on doesn't matter, how can u lead me on; for with my last breath, I'll still declare u as the love of my life..

Being a Christian isn't milk & honey..its reailty living with a hope admist the chaos..the pains..trust me; you're reading from a person living on borrowed time.

Journey goes on..

Let me share my testimony over the last few days...
It had been a good few days, being able to take out something to think thru issues, and be helpful in other sense...

Just to let you know, I wasn't suppose to be around this weekend, but by divine intervention, God placed me where he wanted exactly.

Last night, on date-night; to be out with another couple, watching a movie was kinda challenging experience to say the least...It wasn't about thinking of how nice it'll be to have someone to pay attention to, someone to hold etc... maybe alittle memory lane return for me, but I guess I was just missing the person inside my heart, thus to watch the movie with its sub-plot of waiting for love to return was really kinda...ironic to say the least..Yes, the movie; The myth actually had a plot,beside the 'hot' babe~ies... and on date-night, watching a Jackie Chan wasn't all too bad..

This morning, Sunday morning; on a cold rainy day, God answered my prayer. He allowed me to meet by his providence, a person, that I couldn't help to think about.. To see familiar faces, that would smile back at me was re-assuring, but a sense of being ignored was also harder to accept. Thank goodness for the rain, and a male buddy to make the issue much easier for me..But it was raining so badly, and via detour, I was glad to make it to church.. Being soaking wet, masked my tears, being in pain gave me an execuse to be alone and just cry out to the Lord in the wind... Ironic, of all days, on this weather, God chose to answer my prayer. He heard me, but he wasn't going to let it be easy for me. I felt so helpless in church, I just stood there, crying out to my father, I cried out for his strength, for his solance, becoz physically and worst of all; emotionally I just couldn't hold it anymore inside... So wonderfully weak I'm.

Sitting outside the main hall, I felt alone, outcast...but I chose to be there. To sit there, and be attentive for God to speak to me if he did. He didn't. There was no magical word, nor words of encouragement either.. People kept asking me if I felt cold, but was the feeling of cold that hurt? no it wasn't. It was loneliness, it was supressed emotions, sorrow and a sense of being lost that was really the chill that hurt...the pain, was beyond arthritis, beyond the pain of a chill onto the bones...

To hear nothing from above, is to be ministed by God's silence. How I wish to hear a kind word from above, or to feel a beloved's affection, but all these were not present. Sitting out there alone, was God's ministry for my soul. He answered my prayer of not letting me be comfortable, but to mould my charachter to his delight.

When I feel down, when I felt casted away, forgotten or not worthy...when I feel the urge to blame everyone but myself or only me...the silly~ness of it all...

To be jealous of what other's had, or even my past..to await for a future that God may never allow....is my sin.. To proclaim that all the crap in my life is the payment of my sins, the consequences of my mistakes is also the insult of God's ability to mould me closer to his delight.. With each sorrow, every tear shed, I've to learn to proclaim his promise in my life.. For if not for the faith in the promises, what can I honestly live for?

I have to learn to thank God in whateva the circumstances, to trust beyond what I can control and choose obedience when its easier to give up.. To hold on to a promise that he has a plan for me, and that nothing I've done is worth my own glory nor is defeat meant to crush me forever. Lord; thank you for teaching me to live simply for you.

I'm poor. I admit it. Financially..Physically, Emotionally..There's nothing of richness I've that is of my own. Even love, relationships..I'm poor. I'm unable to communicate in a new manner my concern and affections, even my love, my respect; people rebuke it, tell me to lose it...A pledge of love & honour I seek to fulfill, even that I'm too poor to be worthy... this is my story Lord... For in all these, you've been teaching me so much more..

Becoz when in my deprived...in my lost...I still have the privildge to call u father.

Others may not see it, but Thank you, that you're the same forever. I'm your donkey, to be placed as a JOB is your call, I'm the clay... No-one's doormat, not for my ambition becoz all these are usless. In return Lord, I need your yoke, if not, I'll never able to reach the finishing line..

Learning from pain.
The last few nights, I've been witness to a son's love for his father. His deep sense of respect & love for his departed father, he's willingness to take the responsibilty, his strength to withold tears, his total faith & trust in the Lord that his father is in a better place...

This man understood God's plan for his family. He accepted and took comfort that his father was no longer with them physically, but his love and legacy should be carried on..

Seeing his gentle calmness, his sense of purpose..his testimony of his father's life, brought me back to the worship of our father in heaven. For in that moment, when his son worship his Lord, he thanked the father in heaven that he took back his father on earth to be with the Lord forever.

I could sense his pain, but his grief wasn't in vain. The sadness present was filled with the peace of God. I learnt alot from just being there.

His father, had friends who loved him too. There were alot of people, to pay their respects, and it didn't matter if we shared the same faith, the presence of the people bore testitmony that he was a good man. A man with compassion, a man of God.

But I think his son best describe it, the plans they have to 'move on'..,"As for my household,we'll continue to serve & worship our Lord & God."
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Compassion!

What drives the heart in your life?
For what good is it for man to have wisdom but lack compassion?
Compassion isn't passive, or doing something only when you've the time or energy. To be moved by compassion, is to share the grief, the sorrow & understanding of the situation. Of course, expression may vary.

What good is a person of power and status, if he/she doesn't have the compassion to help or inspire others to love others..

Maybe we pay too much emphasis on the people of status or influence, and could be too busy to have compassion for the rest. Compassion isn't pity.

I'm encouraged always when people share with me nuggest of wisdom, or the revelations they had... but surely, the most challenging of all isn't saying out what has been revealed to you, but rather to be a testimony of it.

Its vital for our spiritual leaders, elders to be filled with compassion for others; taking the additional step for the others.. for its with compassion; as how Christ was filled with it, the love for others, that drives to save one more for Jesus, to nurse the broken hearted, to seek the lost souls...

Guard your heart from the evils of this world. But don't forget to fill it with compassion. For a person with wisdom but no compassion is like a dictionary; good to explain issues but irrelvant on its own.

Don't just tell people how to live their lives, take the step with them...walk thru the shadows of death together.

Love Defined

What is love, but an emotion,
So strong and so pure,
That nurtured and shared with another
All tests it will endure?

What is love, but a force
To bring the mighty low,
With the strength to shame the mountains
And halt time’s ceaseless flow?

What is love, but a triumph,
A glorious goal attained,
The union of two souls, two hearts
A bond the angels have ordained?

What is love, but a champion,
To cast the tyrant from his throne,
And raise the flag of truth and peace,
And fear of death o’erthrow?

What is love, but a beacon,
To guide the wayward heart,
A blazing light upon the shoals
That dash cherished dreams apart?

And what is love, but forever,
Eternal and sincere,
A flame that through wax and wane
Will outlive life’s brief years?

So I’ll tell it on the mountaintops,
In all places high and low,
That love for you is my reason to be,
And will never break or bow.

- Matt Dubois -
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Cherish the bonds God has ordained,
Never the quantity but the quality;
b'fore its too late.

Reflections of a _________heart

Ever wonder how do some get passed failed relationships by going after a new one or some who would just pine for the heart that no longer sets for you...

I think for people to hear words like,"Move on...get over it, or even the infamous,closure...etc.."

sound familiar anyone?

Well, its not my intention to knock anyone in this entry, lest I become subjected to a lawsuit...but really, theere isn't a fool-proof manner in how you should react or behave after a relationship ends.. Everyone should be allowed to react naturally.

Let me share this with u..

From a very personal point of view, I believe that the Lord has helped me attain closure in my last relationship.. Has my feelings been sorted out, well most of the times, I believe its under control... But what does it really mean??

"Moving on..." is one of the fave catch-phrase used. And I do see the wisdom in those words...becoz when once a relationship is broken, sometimes one or two parties will get stuck in time..< The good happy times. > Ok...some will also think of the unpleasant moments..but there's a different tune...so bear with the happier version..Thinking of happy thoughts is no a wrong matter..Infact for me, many times these were bittersweet becoz, it feels great to know of the beautiful relationship was, but it hurts so much that its no longer there right? So therefore, we get entrapped in these fantasy of the past..Its not wrong, but its not healthy. Its extremely horrid for emotions and will tax people financially too.. I remember the extrems will go at great length to re-create the happy scenes..its kinda sweet actually (positive/romantic perspective) but to really release the person to live beyond the relam of history is ever so challenging..
sometimes, its simply becoz , the person is afraid to leave that fantasy, not becoz of silliness but of fear. Fear of being rejected, irrelevant in the new world, or that it will never be appreciated again. All those fears are enough to paralyize others from ever taking the step of moving on.. And really, moving on is a hard, painful step for those whose memories seems only to work for the long term..
I still struggle to fully appreciate moving on, becoz everyone tells me the same thing, but honestly when u do ask them what it really means, then u come to realize everyone has different views on it, or some simply just quote it from...somewhere .. To me, whenever I find it so hard to move on in my life(happens alot!) I silently remind myself of my faith; my trust in the Lord. In the words of Jerimah 29:11; that the Lord never has nor will plan to hurt the ones he loves dearly. In fact, that very verse; provokes a catelouge of emotions by itself..but do read it.. It helped me understand what it meant to move on, but MOVING TO CHRIST.

"GET OVER IT !!"--- it screams desperation doesn't it? But getting over something takes another of willpower, emotional strength and attention. Either consciously or not, getting over it means..jumping or ramming thru an issue right?
I've gotten over the relationship. But I don't think I've failed in it. Really, thise wasn't my very own personal thoughts, but the conclusion after spending hours, crying, praying and communicating with my heavenly love. How could LOVE fail? But in the world's context, I need to get over something..Thus, what I'm aware of getting over is ...really my relationship with the beautiful lady. Have I gotten over her? Well..that's a tight spot ...but I've an answer...best left..in my heart.

"CLOSURE!"~ as it suggest is very focused manner of seeking an ending of something.. Thus to get closure I believe is so very important.. But getting closure unlike the rest, doesn't just come. It might take more than 2 people to get it, and it'll drag till months end..If u ask me, this could be the easiest or the hardest. Becoz for me, closure is LETTING GO.

and it could be the easiest or the hardest to ever achieve.

Thus really to sum it all up, its like simply asking the question...when the time is right..."Can you let go, let God take control?"

that doesn't mean you just sit down and sulk or let the other party feel miserable. How could u do such a thing? If you have love/respect for the person, then please ... let God take control and response to the person in the very same manner, you would want to be treated, or how you would treat Christ...for every soul/heart is percious.

CROSS-ROADS

<--left, right-->,
^forward, back v.

Still.Move~
Past, futurE

where would you led me, my shepard..
wat're your plans for me...

?

A journal of self-discovery

Let me share with you that thru all that has been happening, I've been learning alot about myself. My character, personalities, things that are really circumstances responds or values that I strong believe in.

Its with no pride that I share this, mnaybe you the reader who would know me could share alittle more to give me a better perspective of my 'branding' onto others.

I think I think too much ...haha.. But really, I enjoy a good chat on rather 'moody' issues and subjects that are well deem rather taboo..

I'm really a person that may seem to be cheerful, but instead philosphy and opinions really challenge me. I love to be asked to think beyond the realm of my thoughts, to read and appreciate the insight of others and their views.

And when it comes to work, boy oh boy, I'm rather a work-holic.. But to get a good challenge and to be able to be tasked for it is a challenge I relish...but then again, I'm also poor in judging my ability to handle the work involved.

I also found out, being battered blue and all, that I can't follow people's jugdment and adivse well..Its not really about believing them but rather, trust is vital but sometimes I get the feeling that I can trust u but still not work upon your advise.

Am I headstrong? Well, in some sense I guess I'm. I have done things that I don't believe and live in that regret for ages... Huh.. looks like everyone would understand in some sense, the feeling of dread and disappointment eh?

Thru all these, I believe my faith in the Lord is being tested. Being moulded, being constantly asked the question, "why do you love me my son.. Why do you still call me Lord, even if the sun isn't shining on your life anymore. ... "

I don't really know the extent of my love or respect for him, but surely I can attest that to honour him, to learn to love him and be able to witness to his grace and providence is the drive that makes me wake up each morning. The belief that since he hasn't called me back into his kingdom, there is a prupose to live out.

To live is Christ to die is gain,...those clear words clearly rings out loud onto my life whenever tears and sorrow keeps reminding me of their presence.

Thank you father for your goodness thru all that has happened.

For those who wondered...

Its just another extra-ordinary sunday.
Had a good time in cell, and was very touched by the session when zengxin just prayed and shared wat the Lord sense is from him onto our lives..

Church service, I stayed on the outside, watching via video link as I was so groggy throughout the service..

Post service, I recieved a package. To cut the long story short, in this package, contained something very percious to me. Something I wanted, a person precious to me to have. Thus, to get it back then returning it again was a confusing & painful issue for me.

I waited for everyone to leave, before I burst into tears again. Funny how things are, that for me to bottle it all inside and then suddenly, letting it all out.. I just couldn't take it anymore. No words could describe it, but I grew tired of crying.

I told myself, I wanted to understand what was happening before I made my final impression..but it was so hard, with thoughts of rejection and worthlessness being overwhelmed.

now, I think the issue is over. Being a dumb-ass, I wrote nearly all my thoughts out on sms as a reply, and maybe that was uncalled for. I still have alot to learn about respecting people's wishes. I really don't understand or grasp the concept of everything that is happening...maybe I'm just foolish.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lord, I never meant to blow this thing up more than it should be. But I can't take back what I've wrote. I don't even know if I should regret it. I'm really at a loss wat's happening. But I know thru this all, your pefect plan is at hand. Forgive me. Forgive us for our foolishness. If you would, bring redemption back to your people. Thank you father. In your son's precious and holy name,
amen.

The human spirit..

Isn't it the most challenging to find yourself wanting to do something, only to wonder if the others were just as interested?

I don't know.

I believe in second chances. In redemption.

The most painful of all, is hate, for its tiring to hold a grudge.

But to feel indifferent for the person; or a sense of indifference from others.

That is pain in another level altogether.

But Lord in you I trust. I foresake my ambitions, I lay it all bare.

As such, I depart with no regrets, for my weakness I've been frank. I no longer fear failing relationships. Thank you for restoring the confidence of your love in my life.

Going the mile.

How far will you go for a friend, a partner or a lover? Its easy, if its not much of a hassle, if it can easily be done with little or no-fuss, or maybe u actually enjoy doing the task in the first place..Then it wouldn't be so hard wouldn't it?
But what if its totally out of your shape, nature.. but still the job at hand is ask of you? Would u still simply follow the directives or would u do in under a grudge? Maybe you could get some better terms as a trade-off for the task to be completed. But is that why you would go the mile, not even including the extra for simplisitc sake.
This challenge has been lurking in my mind esp when it comes to service for others. Called it ministry, or it volunterism, what would challenge people coming out to do the difficult for other but at no benefit for himself/herself? Think about it when u next see people helping others.

On that note, I would like to share how glad and grateful I felt, when my parents and younger sister basically spent their saturday at chinatown, spending the day go around hoping to get some donations into the cans for community service...My mum even has a sun-burnt arm to prove her hours spent getting donations. Which leads me to this point, Singaporeans are generally a helpful lot aren't we? Although we haven't had a great service orientation in the sales line, but when it comes to donation, I think as a nation we generally do not too bad eh?
Seeing old grannys putting in 10cents and more is a big deal, and with people going around, spending their weekends this way, is very meaningful to me. Yes, students may have to do it as part of community service hours, but I'm sure, there're others who do it becoz they can and they want to...That's special.. I'm really proud of their efforts, whereas I had to babysit my 'fever' brother!!

None-the-less, I'm feeling alittle more upbeat these days, even though I didn't get to try-out my new soccer boots in a match! (don't worry, with my poor health and being reasonable that I'm ain't the best, I get to be on the side-line..)But I would like to note that I'm feeling more upbeat due to better times in prayer, not better health...sad..but true!

and off I shall go, walking the mile..

Learning how to love..

Each weekend, each celebration,
brings me closer to the finality of life...

The question of what matters most, whats'your piority, your ambitions in life come under strict mircoscopic test..hence the matra; "size the day"

Wat's the purpose of living life in regret, in sorrow, when its only a matter of prespective ...u could be wiser spending the day being happier right?

If only the power of perspective wasn't as strong..For it guides our attitudes, leads on to emotions and the very manner we react in life itself..Is it a personality trait? well it should be, but its also an active decision to me, u choose your perspective.

I know death has been knocking on my doors, and it won't let go, it won't forget reminding me that I seem to be living on borrowed time, but just grabbing life by its neck and living it out; it seems to be apart of life now buried underground. For everytime, when I put this perspective in my life back again, its only simply deepens the emotional wound in me.

I miss the special person greatly. But alas, when I do muster enough courage, to move on and say hi, the blank stare, her no-replies; that I'll have to remember each time again when I pluck the courage and dare to speak to her. There's so much I want to share from the bottom of my heart before I go, but even during simple conversation seems so diffcult, wat more to ask her to hear my heart out.
Father time himself, isn't on my side anymore, but I tell myself one day; when the sun shines, it'll all work out.. But if that never happens, I guess, its just not important for the person anyway.
Even all that has happen, I seem bound to wanna protect her. As my ex-legal aide would testify, I'm stupidly protective of someone ...that's why I run away from the person I guess. From all the people that matters. Becoz, I think my non-involvement maybe the best blessings i can give them. But if they ever need me, I'll put myself out for them. Their kindness have already been a gift from God.

I wish to die with my friends, my love ones by my side...but alas, I seem to break away from more relationships than making any new ones. I guess, that as a dream, is best left as a wish...

Its no point crying over the state of your life, your friendships that drifts away..

I had once the luxury of loving and being loved ... I won't let that sorrow hurt, like it had before. Even when I'm alone, I know in my heart, he holds my hand thru the journey. He doesn't need me, but I need him. I need to learn more than to love God and his creation....Wat's mine, take it...for in this life, its usless to have the world, even the person u love, but lose the souls of the person's & yours. If u really love the person, whether the person loves u, U just pray for the best for the person.

Delight in the Lord. Amen.

Sept11

for every piece of article I do publish,
there lies several drafts never would it get to be read by others..
its such a reflection of life that I do consider that happens everywhere, all the time..some get made, some get 'lucky'; others fall by the way side...

This very day, many years ago, sparked a change in the world's system of doing things..suddenly, the word terroism is associated with middle eastern men, carrying ak-47s and damning the western world as the evil axis...and of course, with G.Bush famous declaration;" you're either with me or against me"...the world today lives in a fight agaisnt a 'country-less' terror, where idealism freedom is a risk itself...
No doubt, the attacks on Sept11 were horrible, becoz suddenly the rule of engagement had become so public and real; instead of a hollywood summer blockbuster..
but question time...
does the war against terror truly end, when we capture the Osma bin laden, make all middle eastern countries democratic??...Can this war be won in the first place??
when does it end? I live in a generation where more than ever we're taught the horrors & casulties of war, but honestly the greed of man, the passion for power or superiority will never end..
my simplistic conclusion is that we'll just end up killing ourselves over and over again...as murder was committed in the first family God created.

Somehow in the human design, we destory things. We don't cherish things. Be it nature, love, comfort .....this inate make-up of sin inside us...is really what bothers me. Does that reflect God at all, where it is claim that we're made in the image of GOD..that's why ppl deduce that God himself has a sadist nature; making us who we're, and seeing us kill ourselves..

But is it really the reality in our gene pool, that we cannont escape; save for several 'wonderful' souls? Give it a thought...Because until you realize of the opposite,you would never be able to appreciate the other ...


thought abt it?

I for one, is struggle to constantly die of myself, and take up the cross. Because if I do live on for myself, then my life is damned. To a life of pursue of destruction of my spirit, soul and body..
Maturity of the faith, is to live with faith who leads your step, to pray for the courage and obedience for the other plans, when your own is being utterly crushed.

I struggle with that alot..When my lady love, departed... my plans, my very life was shattered..till these days, I admit that is a blow in my life that is more damning than my faltering health..And when I go back to my first love in him, instead of feeling the comfort, or the peace, my sorrow grew... I don't why..
thus the more I couldn't cope with the change in my life, the more I destroyed it.. it became so hard, to worship him again, to run back into him.. I had became so hard in myself...i wouldn't give myself a chance ..

anyway with my health, I really don't know if there's a future for me, if this hurdle is every going to be crossed with his strength..becoz I've none left..

my very life has crossed the post-sept11, the terroism is just similar, somewhere close to home, somewhere from within.

as someone once told me,"to be the best, is to make mistakes and bounce back up, learn from it and never make it again.."

I need the belief that this war is a war that can be won..

Everything in its time.
~thank u corrine may for this apt song...

1 month has past between my last entry and this.
August has been painful to say the least.

A mess of emotions,
a discovery of the bottom of pits..

Can I possiblity dig myself an even deeper grave than the present place for one that I occupy?
Can I really be free from all these...?

Afflictions; by self, from others..
whats the difference anymore?

Do I start living for myself, for a higher authority;
pursue the great mystery or trust the voice that comes neither from my head nor my heart?

Do I really believe that heaven knows;
heaven being the kingdom I'm preparing for?

Beautiful healer, wonderful grace..
do you despie me so...

Not more decieving myself,
I'm still in the pit of sorrow, but I don't know who dug it, or even why I'm still there.. and what lies ahead for me?

A thousand reasons, I can tell myself to give up..
But I tell myself,the answer will come..
I'm just stubborn in my values..;

maybe I've lost my common sense;
it could be for the better..

when I finally learn to embrace this 'new' me;
u keep calling me back to be the person I was...
Do you know how torn that leaves me?
isn't being holy your only concern...

I'm losing my mind..
crazy in this ridulous world isn't so bad...

I don't know if what hasn't killed me;
how am I gonna be stronger..; nothing seems to have changed!

I don't have the desire;
neither to be close to u anymore,
to be in peoples' presence, to pursue a career...

But I tell myself, I'll try...
I know this journey isn't just a sprint;
I try to press on... learn from whoever is willingly to teach..

I take tiny steps everday,
becoz I know I'll easily retreat...
endless cycle..; signs of a desperado running from jail...

will you deliver me?
I cry to u ....
pls release me;

your peace...
courage;
wisdom..

Holiness, our quality from heaven..
holy spirit, I grieve u..

it takes seasons for water to be wine...

but is there a way back for salt tat lost its saltness;
light lost in the darkness..
names, struck off your book...

or are all these illusions of my mind...
my memories bring no solance anymore..

sorrow..I've no words to describe u..
u seem to be the only constant company..

my legacy burnt to shreds..
usless planning for 'nought

help me believe, once again.

Fact or figures?
Ever wonder if ur life is simple a fact or figure in all of eternity?
Merely a number, or as wat the Matrix and The Island suggested,
we are created for a purpose much less than we imagined?

Ever took a pause, wonder why is everything happening in the way it is?
Why in the same place where there're people with plenty, others with none?
Wonder why you live in this place and not another?
Met someone who would love u unconditionally rather than abuse u emotionally or worst sexually..
I know I'm not the worst being on earth. Neither do I think Saddam Hussien is either.
I don't think I'm even close to be a saint nor am I close to my 'potential' but what is that in the first place?
Religion teaches u abt faith. Abt Trust abt...the greater purpose in life.
Each and every belief begins from somewhere, but where did that come from?

But is it blind faith, child-like faith...or illogical faith?
But faith, at no matter what, is like a fuel to passion, an engine driving an automobile forward.

Quite honestly, even after reading this entry, would your life change? Most likely it'll never come close. Just like any other day, we do what we're suppose to do...believing one day we'll either stumble on destiny or it'll present itself.

But do u know what amazes me at the same time, is so amusing. That we fallen beings that we're, have this capcity; the human spirit strives on simply a ,"possibility"~ a prayer towards a miracles of sorts..

Isn't the reason why everyone of us take a gamble every moment of our lives? You don't need to enter a casino to make a gamble, we do it all the time. OR do we really?

Hope is like an destination we all want to reach. Who chooses to be poor if I promise u that u'll not suffer the consequences of being never in want. If everything was place on a platter, and we can all instantly learn things, understand emotions by simply reading it.

But that isn't the world we live in eh?
It ain't a fact of life.

Let me put it all into perspecitve.
If I continue to live off the rest of my life, doing what I'm doing now, allowing myself to be on an emotionally clench, do I really allow myself to learn the lessons being taught to me? I can tell myself how terrible my life has been, but isn't my life filled with flaws no different from a satistics on earth.

How many sportsmen failed before one world record is broken..?
How many broken hearts cry themselves each night, just as couples share 'romantic' nights with one another..
How many people realize their purpose in life this very day;spare a thought for the people whose dreams are shattered, and they may never get a chance to revive the possibility.
Am I being morbid?
Do I even get a choice between the cause and effects of 'My' life?

I don't control destiny.
Does destiny control me?

I only know that for the past 3 days, 3 people have ministered into my life in their own ways. The 1st young lady, decided to ask me out for coffee just to chat, and surprisingly, she listen patiently, and challenge me to consider abt the life I'm leading now...the 2nd night, a young man, stayed behind and in his own way, shared with me his own journey..and he too challenged me abt living the rest of this life...the last lady, she didn't do anything at all. She just sat there, when I was alone in my pain-frozen state, infact I didn't even notice her presence till much later I guess. But the look on her eyes, ministered to me. Was it pity, was it concern? I couldn't tell. In fact, I didn't even know what to say to her. Should I lie to her and say I'm fine and well? Or allow her to feel helpless like she did.
In fact, I didn't even know if I did the right thing, but I knew one simple thing, at tat moment, juz her presence, was more than wat I could ask for, and was much appreciated.

She was prove to what the 2 other people said previously; no-man is an island on his own. Funny how u've to be in a stage of pain to learn that well.

Does that mean, these people are my saviours for my soul? In fact, far from it, if they were, I'll not be honouring all the others, who have 'supported' me when I'm down emotionally, carried me when I couldn't move, or have placed me in their loving hearts before all these even happen.

Nothing happens without a reason.

No life is without a destinty to be fulfilled.

Nobody said a plan will be realized. Not all plans work successfully.

I can't even prepare for the next day w/o realizing all that I'm writing maybe fruitless, but just maybe...there's a purpose beyond writng all these.

and I'll believe in tat.

---songs that linger in my head---
The Scientist-Coldplay

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said that it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and figures

Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

I know you read this page.
I thank you that you bother to read those e-mails.
I don't know the level of concern you've.
Neither do I know what you mean when you regard me as your friend.
Is it because you pity me?
Or that your gentle heart just accepts me.
I visit your blog once-in-a-while, and I see signs that you've gone back to your happy life,
but I don't know how much is that really happening.

I know I often sms u silly things,
and I know I'll just wait for a reply.
Even if I don't deserve one,
being 'ignored' is really painful but maybe; my just deserve.

You said you feel uncomfortable when I'm uncomfortable,
I'm becoz, at times; u act as if nothing happened between us,
but sometimes I feel so hurt, that I'm someone seemingly left out..

Is it becoz of my silly sms,
or the fact I can't forget abt u,
that leaves u to be upset, or angry.
Even if its not me, I sense that times, its all my fault.
I notice your sms replies, reflects your discomfort with communicating with me, maybe u're not feeling well, or really busy,
or is it simply an act to move on to other ....plans?

Becoz of all these, all these endless questions,
it leaves me unable to socialize anymore,
when I think of the promises u had made,
and how things seems, that will never be the same,
I often curse myself,
that I deserve my treatment from u,
from being someone u love, someone u wish to be with,
to this condemn fool.

I hate myself becoz of u. I know u treat me differently.
I don't blame u, but I wish u would honestly give us a new chance.
Aren't u tired of all these, or is a rite of passage for being ex-lovers?

I know u won't accept my apology esp if I'm to do the same things over n over again, but if you would understand why, if I would understand what happened during our 'silent' months, maybe logically, I would be better able to accept it all.

I await your contact as promised.

Alot abt nothing..

I've been thinking over many things in the last few days,
and would like to share them here.

Getting out-of-point
Ever consider that the life we're leading is out of point, out of focus?
ill-logical...going thru the motions..
trapped in some system that keeps repeating itself?
These days, I tend to challenge myself to answer this simple question,
"wat's the point...?"

let me further expound on this in my own personal walk..

In the last few weeks, I've been in my 'formation training team' preparing for a badminton competition. We spent weeks training, pushing our bodies, getting our shots right..etc..
and for the first time in over 7years, I was in active badminton training again.
But I'm no longer the 14yr old kid, with potential etc..
instead, I'm a 21yr old, physically 'broken', emotional irratic and mentally off-tanget with the others..
Then, I met the guys in the tournment..many of these young men, I've never seen for the last 7 years. I saw part of their potential reliazed.
Unlike me, they too suffered injuries, but they recovered, they continued training. When we were kids, we were close training partners, but now, I hardly believe they recognised me anymore. Infact, I'm often too ashamed to be once their team-mates.
In fact, after spending months, giving my best into the training, my body collapsed again. What irony, I took enuff painkillers to numb out the pain, but in doing so, when I ripped my right arm muscles, I didn't notice till its all too late.
Stupid isn't it?
But does that mean silly old me, gave up?
Nope, I didn't.
Infact, my role in the team became team 'driver', I give people rides in n out, I'm the loudest cheer-leader, hoping to drive the team forward. Infact, if u want, I can even tell you the cost of team spirit building..its $65 per week for 6 guys. My team-mates have been nice, generally co-operative and helpful, and from the bottom of my heart, I'm thankful for them..Its really been the second best, without ever getting a chance to be on the floor. But is that the point for me?

point2--->THe next aspects of life is being 'understood'..
I think the human connection is such wonderful gift from above. But many of us, tend to only treasure it when lost right?

Therefore this connection is simply making things being understood much easier.
I believe we all go thru this stage of needing to be understood..To be accepted reagardless. But like many fairy tales, happily ever after isn't an ending.

Having gone thru countless misunderstandings, we all should be familiar with the impact and consequences of letting it dragged on. But do we even bother to resolve them or just hope that time will resolve them. Time never does solve anythin. If any, its becoz when we take some time out, we're better able to resolve things with more maturity(not related with age!!)or in a better emotion stage.

Then there is the sudden realization that we've this intense immense need to be understood. How we wish that somone out that would understand every single we do. But is tat asking too much from fallen beings? We call people who understand us better,as soul-mates, confidants...etc..but they all mean one thing, they're ppl that we want to be understood and be accepted by. I know of couples(married!!) that hardly understand what each other is doing, and there are friends who spent so much together, u think they're the same.

What does this mean? What's the point in being understood? To me, its just as important as 'love'..benefical and 'prodcutive', but its a weapon that can be abused, toyed, insulted, and mistreated.. you think u really need it, but really, u won't die without it either.

To understand someone takes time, takes both parties being willing to open up, to not judge the other, to be vulnerable..and yes initative is important too.
If we find this person is important, special, worthy..loving enuff..do we dare take the first step and let ourselves to be understood in the first place. We can't say no-one will ever understand us, that maybe so true, but part of it is how willing are we letting people understand us. Not everyone is a God.

Myself? Honestly, I don't even know if I understand my life. I take long walks, I sit by myself, reflecting asking myself ...trying to understand it all. I knew wat is like to be understood, and accepted, its really special..I hope I learn to treasure it..and I humbly try to understand others if they want me to.

---------------next--------------
faithfulness & unconditional love
On monday, my cousin asked me a very good question,
"where's the picture of the latest girl I'm dating?"
I simply said none.
but this question was direct and real.
It could even be re-masked to the countless question, "how've you been dealing with the breakup?" in fact, funny as it is, I get asked this question in church by the adults, in the toilet during prayer meets...haha..even during the customary greetings..

The simple fact is, yes-I kinda get the fact that I'm a single, unattached male.
So if u're asking if I know I'm no longer in a relationship---yesh..I know that!but if u're asking if I've gotta over the beautiful lovely lady, the simple answer is No. I wish I can lie to you and say I don't feel anything for her. Trust me, some guys have tried very hard. Haha..instead I think they enjoy themselves more than me.
I can't really explain why I feel this way. Isn't love a word, an emotion? Isn't my love being one-sided if it is, unstainable..it should be. In fact, I often wonder if my feelings are like adultery.. I don't 'strip' her in my mind. In fact, I can assure I've near zero sex drive now. Trust me, wet nights are getting common ..haha. But I know deep inside this love, is kinda 'unconditional'..in some sense, although I admit I lack wisdom to fully grasp the meaning of unconditional love. But I do know, there's not much she can do to make me love her less. Sometimes, I react that if she maybe hates me, it would make me feel better. This 'punishment' I felt, would be fitting for me. To be ignore by her, to wait for a promise that never(never say never??) be fulfilled...A-part of me believes, this is silent treatment is wat I deserve. She has shown tremedous restrain. May the Good Lord reward her for that.
I know my name will send her away, but I tell myself I will not stoop to another level. She has always deserve my best, and if my best is to shut-up..I must learn to restrain no matter the cost.

I know this single 'faithfulness' and theory of unconditional love is silly and rather amusing for many. The world tells us, its okay to move on, shag another lady, hit another score, go send out love...but I guess, I 'm too old-fashion for it. I live in a Frank sintra era~moon-river n all, while the rest are practising 'punk'-rock love stories.. I don't think I'm noble becoz of this. I just know fully-well, I will not hurt another lady, by asking her to love me, if I can't love her in the manner she deserves. I can't be faithful to anyone else if my heart has already a name in it. I'm not trying to let it grow, becoz I know if I did, I'm digging a grave of disappointment and hurts..so I simply submit it to him, every single day.

lastly----dealing with pain..
I'll be honest, I'm weak in this.
I can bare pain.
Chew on it.
But I fail in making it stronger ..
I honestly wonder if my character is being moulded in the first place.
Physically pain, has made me humble, more patient, more trusting in his plan.
Emotionally pain has taught me how to withdraw, how not to larbour others,to restrain..
but I fail, 4 to 5 out of 10..
I allow myself to cry when I feel hurt, but only at times of the day...
when I'm driving alone, when I'm on my bed, in the shower..becoz..I've to control them. Either I control my emotions better, or my emotions will continue to control my life, my destiny.
Days, when loneliness strike, at home, I filled it with meaningless PS2 games, sitting it out..sometimes praying,though temporal comfort sink in, it often leaves me drier..
I fail badly, when I lost my restrain and sms her. I don't deny I really would love a reply, but I know I don't deserve one. I write rubbish, at times only logical ones.. but I know her only reply would be, "how've u been?" I'm not even asking a report..silently, there'll be days I wish she would ask me the same. But she hasn't, n I've not dare to say so. Funny eh?
Should I sms others too? Haha, trust me, I hardly get calls these days, sms are usually abt work..so well.. I tell myself whenever I get one, I'll treasure it properly and give the person the answer he/she deserves. Thus, when I get one letter replies,I get the drift.
and slowly I'm getting used to it.

~~~~the end~~~~~

A Misfit~struggles on..

I consider myself a misfit amongst the general public,
among the nation tat's so blessed..
all my failures, I consider them a badge of failed 'courage',
proudly displayed on my life's vest as part of life's experiences.

Bloggers are suppose to be an expressive lot..
well-able to communicate their thoughts..etc to the general public,
unashamed of their past, as 'we'; become media whores(web-based reality reading?) & stand emotional vulnerable..
well, I don't know if I'm even doing that right..
becoz, I truly am awaiting for someone to have a conversation with me. A real conversation.. a 'connection'. It has been dead every so long.

I don't even know if I've it anymore..

If I'm being truly honest with my life, and look thru issues such as my friendships, my 'ambitions' etc.. I wonder how can I go on..to the next day.

Friendships..
I had great encouragment last week,when a friend shared that she said the sinner's prayer, and in her believe in him above. That made my day, week.. truly my heart rejoiced like never before in months tat had passed.
I met my close friends in secondary and poly days...U know the kinda of friends tat u used to spent so much time with, then slowly, becoz of schedules and ambitions, we're scattered everywhere..but always promised to meet once-in-a-while..
we did.
From the last time we met, things have 'progressed'.. a couple that was always threatening leaving each other made another step together, they left to study overseas hand in hand.. my close buddy, had begun his distance learning programme.., another would be starting his soon, and the last, is left with a year odd more to go.
So much had happened in their lives, in our midst, we had 'changed' ... we grew up I guess. All will be talking abt university & its experiences, all will soon be graduands..or into the pursuit except of one..but for little me, who turn back from studying in a local uni.. I'll be happy for them. I know I won't be asked to attend their graudation, etc..but just having them together for that moment, I couldn't ask for more.
I'm not at all jealous of them. What position could I be allowed to? I didn't attend a junior college programme, I don't have the funds, and more importantly, emotionally, I don't think I can manage that for now,esp with medically bills await to explode..

back on track, I think I've failed in friendships basically, becoz.. after 15 years of education, my life to be really honest, I don't think I've a close 'friend' anymore. Not that there isn't anyone that cares. But afterall, I don't think i've anyone that really will understand me without me fighting to convince my motives to you. I have friends that tell me to call them, but I'm sorry, I don't think we will talk.. i don't feel that connection, will you really listen and just spent time with me. But I really appreciate their concern..But I've to be honest as say, there's this bridge between us. maybe it just me...Just me drifting away from civlization..
Or atlest my generation. I've just different taste in music, past-time...
Maybe I became too reliant on the person who could understand me alittle better. I remember in my proposal speech, I mention how special our connection was, maybe it was one in a million, maybe it was battered over time.. I don't know.. honestly, it maynot even matter anymore. Becoz, we'll hardly ever speak again. Cold war? I don't think so...but I want to respect her choice in keeping emotional or communication distance..it should be for the best.
I've old friends that no longer speak to me much, do I resent them? Whatever for... surely it takes two to clap. For me, I generally try to read between the lines, and notice how words change, how not to be a pest...rather retain good memories than forever condemn the future..
I'm not a hermit,,during training days, I hang out with my team-mates, etc..but wat else can guys talk abt.. What I really want to talk abt.. to share my life, is only a glimpse found here.
I'm not finding an aunt agony, nor a drinking buddy, etc... I think I'm rather comfortable alone..most of the time..

I'm not even looking for anyone special, nor a place of heaven on earth..

I'm learning to appraciate wat I've been blessed with..
'my sweet memories' hung upon my bed..

thank you father, for the cross.
without yr son, I'll be forever lost.

A preview of the next entry..

After writing abt lessons I've gained thru love and all the postive,
I feel inspired to write about my failures,
in love, in life..

I'm gonna write all these, to de-compress
to give a fair balance to all the people who've been part of the journey in my life..
becoz unless you read the whole picture,
u may misunderstand...

Friends, feel free to give me your inputs,
becoz trust me..
I thank thee..
Pride is usless for a man such of me...
Instead I scribe to the fact,

Remember always, where your heart is, your treasure will be.