Finding sustainable middle ground.

From hardly spending much time at home, to becoming a hermit, I've gone end to end from one extreme to the next.

It was not too many seasons ago, life for me revolved around the people in my life. Relationships seem to be like summertime, the weather was all bright and sunny; the birds were chirping away, and every plan, career or financial had 'WE' in each life-long commitment. Then, winter came. I turn to find solace in God for my soul, and work for my waking hours. Burying myself with work, in any means or forms was the most practical manner to take away attention and energy. It was pretty successful. At the end of 2 years, with no holidays and mental rest, my mental sharpness starting to dip. At the expense and disguise of work, I shy away from relationships and quite honest bear little desire to maintain relationships that ebbed away.

Now, no longer in employment, and with 'We' being inapplicable to plan ahead, I'm in middle ground. A little lost to say the least. I often remind myself these days, that I need to start planning and living life for my own self. I gotta be more responsible with my own time, my own goals, and not be conscious with how it might affect people. Little by little, I need to embrace a more individualist desire to compete. Live life not just struggling through the bread and butter issues, but to live life and be comfortable with a touch of personal extravagances.

Growing up, I had a collective mentality. In my youth, I joined numerous sporting teams; enjoying the camaraderie , the joy and sorrow of winning and losing together. In the team atmosphere, there was a strong group identity, security, affection and the pressure of winning shared not just in an individual but a pursuit for glory as a team. Thus, in big team sports such as soccer, basketball or even frisbee, I fancy myself as the playmaker, the one that made others look good.
Maybe I wasn't very good at that, for in truth, my finer sporting moments came in individual or sports that required just another partner. High stake matches, were my personal favorite. I guess, that's where the maverick part of me is unleashed. When I compete tentatively, more often, I end up getting my butt kicked. Somehow, it seems playing it safe doesn't work for me.

Is there a manual out there to calibrate myself with the elusive balance for optimal performance. There needs to be enough individual drive and goals to compete and live life fully without becoming a narcissist jerk. Now, won't that would be a great Christmas gift ?

A year older.

If I was to sum up the season of my life from the 22nd summer to the 23rd, it would be, getting myself back on my own two feet. And a year on, this journey continues towards a valley..

Just a couple of weeks ago, I celebrate my 24th with family & close friends. On B-day itself was three rounds of celebrations! What a blessing ..

The gifts I receive this year is by far the most creative. From family, I received a soft-toy (piggy! wat else) that doubles up as sound speakers! A skinny tie from my younger sister that had printed kisses embalmed all over, and from close friends a kinky combination of a belt and a book "How to give woman absolute *&*4%$^%#$". My-my.. Of course, to balance off the creative gifts , I received practical and greatly appreciated gifts of a red-packet to tide my jobless days, and a pair of funky tennis shoes ;)

If it was ever possible to translate all the gifts, treats and well-wishes, into a single currency; then my guess, my life would have been richer from the heart-felt love and affection I've received. I've always approach birthdays in usual morbid fashion, and this year was no different. The usual opening question I asked myself, in the past year, what's the number one lesson learnt?

It took me a while, weeks to resonate and reflect. Jotting down little thoughts, with the occasional feedback, led to this conclusion. This year's challenge would be the simple issue of WHO AM I?

Knowing who am i, has been a journey of twist and turns. Through my emotional, spiritual and physical evolution as a human being, the question and struggle of one's identity signifies and impacts the attitude, mannerism, values and philosophy of life. Identity seems to be interweaving the trinity of an individual.

I'm in a good place when it comes to my identity. I have come to a place where I don't feel necessary to have a blooming career or a prestigious job to define my place in society. Neither does social standing or the necessity of maintaining high profile associates attract me. My past remains an active part of my lifejourney but I've know that my past won't necessary define the course of my future. Expectations (external or self-imposed) has and may continue to remain a good form of pressure to push ahead, but I'm understanding and learning better, that it should not by any means define my identity. Even the comments from others, snide remarks or praises will shake my nametag.

My actions will define me.

My name is Shane. Nice to know you.

Cheers.

a new month, a new commentary.

Hi Folks, I'm intending to migrate part of writing to the following weblog.
http://myfivecentsworth.wordpress.com/.

In the next couple of weeks, I'm hoping to invite a few esteem writers to contribute to the site.

Look out for it.

Cheers!

Things that last for a little while longer.

I've been 'jobless' for 2 weeks odd now. Not being associated with a professional organization, and the odd adjustment of having little date-lines to meet; has made my life these days, some~what.. different.

I have been tempted to go in blind and apply for jobs that would further enhance my professional pursuit. By God's good grace, a good headache emerged within a few days.

I've been blessed with a job offer, that would have been a wonderful addition to my resume. But alas, I've already undertaken my under-graduate studies, taking 2 heavy loads might be over-estimating my abilities by a stretch.

These days, I cross out and enjoy the satistifaction of completing little things that I've avoid doing since I begun working full-time a couple of years ago. And of'coz getting more sleep is always a bonus in some sense.

The number one goal I've in this season to achieve; is to re-calibrate my life towards the purposes and goals that I'm designed for.

Sounds easy? Between getting my head in check and resisting the evils of pro-crastion, getting down to re-calibrating ain't a smooth ride thus far.

Before I end this post, i thought it would be appropriate for me to share a little thought that a recently re-acquainted friend of mine reminded me, as an important 'compass' point for life.

Her point was simple. Here's my paraphrased version -> "if you truly go after God's heart, won't God's promises bless you with things you desire and beyond?"

In life, regardless of pursuit, we go to the ends of the world, believing that with the reward for the pursuit would satisfy us; or at-least through the process of pursuit we find meaning in it.

But aren't we then leaving ourselves to be defined by the pursuit, the achievement of the pursuit ??

Think about it, what is the compass of your life?

School has begun.. Life lessons in perspective

The writing had been on the wall for the longest of time, it was only waiting to happen...

.me buried in textbooks. instead of writing a monologue regarding the first night of lessons, let me share with you this lesson I've learn in my pursuit of education.

I won't deny there have been days where I've a tinge of regret of not pursuing my undergraduate studies immediately after National Service. Today, a second opportunity to further my education is here and I'm holding onto it tight.

I enjoy the process of learning. The whole adventure of stretching your mind and challenging concepts and finally appreciating how things are taught in a certain manner.

I used to hold dear to the belief that if at the right environment combined with the right season, education would be a breeze. And for the longest of time, I told others, the season for me to return to study is yet to come. I waited, and waited.. for the right signs to study again... signs such as getting back my confidence, having the right finances, or even just the hunger to study.

I waited for over 2 years. Finally, I saw a glimpse of the right timing, and I applied. The issue was the the readiness to receive education, and not getting through the application process.

Today, I bear you testimony, that my belief is gravely mistaken. There might never be an opportune time, EVEN IF YOU PRAY AND SEEK God's will .. and just WAIT. Unless I follow up with it my actions of faith, I might never experience the opportunity to see how God will work in my life through this predicament.

Is this the right season for me to continue studying?? Nah, my mind is like an over-soaked sponge. But hey, this is as good a time as any to get rid of the junk so that new knowledge can be absorbed!

Stir & Shaken

Professionally and personally, I've dried up. Out of ideas, out of sorts.
I am at a loss of words to describe how I feel inside, the daily wars that rages in my mind has taken its toll.

I don't fully comprehend the reasons that have led me to this state of my life, but I know with complete conviction that it needs to stop soon before it consumes my being. How things have become they way they are --- Is there a bigger cosmic reasons besides the simple notion of being plagued with 'bad luck' or I'm suffering from poor perception that allows me to become a reactor of circumstances instead of planning ahead and making this happen.

Bit by bit, the burden becomes heavier. In a couple of days, I'll be a student once again. Misery pilling on misery? Only time will tell.

For many years, I've be intentionally keeping my perceptive in life as a pitcher that is Half-full But now, going through various setbacks and several note-worthy mistakes, the attention on my weakness, the effort to make those corrections and working on things that aren't really my shape have zapped my energy and taken away my focus....

I would love to leave it all behind. Like an exuvia, leaving behind my old skeleton, and moving ahead in life with renewed vigor and priorities. I'm not the best at moving on, because I take things like my work too personally, and often find myself stuck at the sentimental fix.

In the next few months, I'm going to challenge myself to leave things behind. "Left behind, but not forgotten." I'm a relator & a learner. I need to be free to move on. I don't wish to stagnant, and become the next hotspot for the ades mosquito.

God, I've placed my trust, my confidence, my identity in you. And for far too long, my relationship with you have been at best luke warm. It is no surprise therefore that I'm lost in my identity and my future. Please renew me and bring me back to the place of the intimacy we shared. Amen.

My Best Friend ..
Recently, my best buddy hasn't been Jasper, Ben or anyone else close to my social circle. My best buddy has been MURPHY. He seems to be like an over-zealous traffic warden, reminding that he's close by, waiting for me to shortchange myself.. Today, I manage to break another badminton racket without doing a SAFIN (which is to wreck my racket after a terrible shot selection)

Results from Strength Finder 2.0 -> Shane's top 5 themes are, Relator, Learner, Activator, Deliberative & Communication. What does it all mean?? Well, a long path ahead of self-discovery beckons.

Knowing oneself

"One who knows the enemy and knows himself will not be endangered in a hundred engagements.
One who does not know the enemy but knows himself will sometimes meet with defeat.
One who knows neither the enemy nor himself will invariably be defeated in every engagement."
-Sun Tzu

Knowing oneself is a tough process with no short cut in sight. Bit by bit, I'm learning that it involves stripping oneself of pretense and delusion; deceit in any form or manner. Its been a painful process, laying bare my mental and physical self in honest realization.

I'm going to be 24 years of age in a couple of months. Although those who have met me may not believe, but yes, I've existent for 23 years and a little more. In the quest to regain some mental sanity and sharpness for work , I've realize the downward spiral of my mental and spiritual health in the last couple of years.

I asked myself this question as I type this paragraph into existence. What the bloody hell am I doing with my life? Do I know what I'm doing?? Do I even know myself at all?

It starts from the daily things and the things that I'm not doing or not getting it done. "Why am I not doing what I'm suppose to ?"... sigh.. thus begins the audaciously trying process of self- examination.

I know I'm in a rut, socially, mentally and most likely physically as well. What's important for me is not simply accepting that I'm in a rut, but having the desire, will and determination to live beyond this ditch or wallow in mediocrity.

Getting to know myself is no ego trip or simply admitting that I'm a failure and maintaining status quo. I've failed so often over the past few years, and its getting more difficult and challenging to stand up once again to be up for the next battle.

But as Sun Tze points out, if I don't know myself, then each battle I'll be fighting a losing war.

In the modern, globalized world today, employers might consider paying well for a jack-of-all trades, but its really the specialist; the people who have realized their strengths, worked on it and make it really outstanding that gets the final nod when it matters.

I got go spend more time on my own wisely, and maybe with trusted friends, to build up myself through prayer and petition. I'm losing focus in my life. Admitting it is the first step. Doing something and moving forward towards the goal is another step altogether.

Bleah!

Have you ever feel like you're working but far from optimal speed? Like a desktop that needs a disk defragmentation, thoughts have been weighing heavily on my mind. The more I don't wish to think about it, the more it pops up!

I struggle with these thoughts, knowing that I've to relinquish them and not indulge in it, but little by little they remove my sharpness from my daily activities.

1. Thoughts of how to get myself to work better, to know what I truly want and the purpose of my existence. The nitty-gritty of it all. Sy Rogers call us the HERO generation. I feel like one who is far from destiny.

2. Repelling people. It is one thing to be secure enough to have meals alone, staying home or even go shopping alone. But now, its become a regular comfortable routine for me. It feels at times that I'm living on personal island in this little sunny island. You know the feeling of being lonely while being stuck in a crowd. The worst of it all, up till recently, I felt there was nothing wrong with it.

3. Work became an acceptable excuse. I ain't lying about it. Bit by bit, I enjoyed being alone in the office, walking away at the end of church service. It isn't about being unfriendly, but simply having no longer having a desire to strike up conversations with people.

And then it struck me how much I've changed. I loved conversations. Knowing, appreciating, understanding different personalities, beliefs and perspectives. But now with "work", its seems a lazy acceptable form of excuse to avoid people.

4. Relationships. The heck-care attitude. If its there, its there. Why should I bother investing when the rate of return seems to be a loss anyway. Its not that I don't care, but I'm asking myself, what can I contribute these days? What right do I've to take up people's time? Simply, I've become lazy and even avoid develop meaningful relationships.

Looking back, I wonder, which relationships are worth another chance, which ones, I gotta let go. Sigh! Besides flashing a smile and saying the usual greetings, the numbers of friends that I've, may not go beyond the half a dozen.

5. These days, a little storm in brewing inside of me. I feel a sense of anger, believing that I've the same very right to be on the soccer pitch, since I've fulfil all the pre-set team requirements. To train on my own, to arrive on the pitch on time, to be a team-player, to make myself available each time at a cost more than I can bear. How do I justify to myself when I feel being over-looked? Am I not fit to contribute more than the mere minutes given?

Taking a step back, I'm asking myself today, what right do I have to be even angry? Am I not of the weakest in health, am I not alive and well by the grace of God.

Why have I disintegrated into an ungrateful donkey? What has happened?

My life hasn't reached the pits of "The pursuit of happyness". But that movie taught me that our happiness isn't some God-given right. Theologically speaking, peace is a gift from God. But to find happiness and meaning, we've to play our part. I aint' trying to be drama mama about it, but when you know that there is more to life than the current niggling struggles, I feel that I just need to break free to really be ALIVE.

Uh.. this song from King David, spells out the cry of my heart.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."
-Psalm 51:10-12 - NIV

Lord. Sustain me. please.

Cherising Life's treasures

Before, it gets all too cluttered, too tiring, and meaningless..

Even if there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, if you don't treasure what you already have, how would you appreciate whats to come?

Cherish life. Not just your own, but the circumstances, personalities, environment and implications.

Never submitt, foresake, give up .. belief.

I need a clear mind


sometimes it seems great to do things just on auto-pilot. But its also mean I would end up working really ineffectively. Now, although working slow isn't a crime, it does bother me a far bit when I realize how things can be done better if I slow down, or spent time to study and take another approach..

I need a clear mind, a time to sit and put my feet up.. Clear my head, organize my priorities and make certain key decisions. It'll be great if I can do that sensibly and soon.

I'm feeling soft, or maybe just burnt out. I know there is still alot that I can offer, but its way below my best.. I visited all 23 libraries on a Saturday afternoon. It wasn't a fun thing to do, to say the least.

I need to run back to you, Lord. I need to fall on my face and be refreshed in you.

Monday is around the corner.

Blogging on a Vista

Hi ... this marks my first entry using the new Acer Vista.. But I still love my Mac.

Nothing personally against the Vista, but today's entry will be..

Things that have been bugging me..(I know moaning is a sin. So I shall try to spin it positively)

1. Not performing to the standards I set for myself -> Be it sports or work, producing an output that is weak, generally ruins my day. Whether I show or not, is another matter. I don’t believe in lowering standards when its achievable. Its how badly do I want it.

2. Seeing or being taking advantage off and for the person being proud of it -> There are scums out there who intentionally misplaces the generosity of someone else's as being weak or a doormat. That rubs me the wrong way bad. To cap it all off, I know of people who can even shameless rub their nose into it!

3. Being ineffective in work.-> The last few days, I've been doing my tasks like a head-less chicken. I go around my business getting it done, with such a tight time-line, I'm not even sitting down, disciplining myself to think through carefully beside what do I need to achieve, how can I produce quality. At the end of the day review, the room for improvement is enormous. As you can tell, I'm not very pleased with my work contribution thus far.

4. Being sick when I need to be working full-steam ahead.-> It seems like a good reminder from above, that I should take care of my health, irregardless of my schedule, but alas, that's something I've yet to master. Doesn't help that I've been sick for the last 3 weeks, and its been the busiest 3 weeks ever!

5. Things beyond my control that will break down at its most crucial-> I've been most blessed to be safe and protected from any motor-accidents. Despite several close-calls, God's hand whenever I drove has been saving my life. However, I won't be able to say that in the same breathe for my technical work last weekend. It was a catalogue of problems that was frustrating to say the least. Long story short, it would have been easier to say what didn't go wrong technically then what went right. Thank Goodness, we had enough hands on deck to ensure there was something decent to put forth.

6. .....letting in 6 goals on my first game back in a competitive match… and we didn’t even play that badly.

7. Effort sowed, that does not sow the desired results.-> Its a major challenge. I have a love-hate relationship with things that yield high risk gains. My first full-time project was postponed. The second project is an all new market segment and I’m working with a time-line of 3 weeks of marketing to garner 1,000 people to attend. Take about a challenge. It has been a sharp test and not the most encouraging weeks. Keeping the event in prayer, waiting for a miracle. I've told myself that I need to remain cool and not panic. I've to have some trust. If the event succeeds, its not by my strength. Not even close.

Sheesh. My first entry on Vista, and I’m committing sin.

The World of Sports

Its been a topsy turvy sports month.. Beside being my main form of exercise and recreation, the realm of sports with its influence in my life should never be played down...

It started off earlier in the month with a mini cheer when my beloved Man Utd won 3-2 against my fave Italian team, AC Milan. That weekend was even better, a fight back from the Red Devils put them in control of their destiny in the league title. Naturally it became a great week for me..
How fast the world came falling down, when I witness Utd being totally outclassed days later at 4am. It didn't help that the working day to follow was a rush of milestones to be reached. All this while, my beloved Huston Rockets were attempting to get past the Utah Jazz.. Sigh, even with a 2-0 lead, somehow the Rockets lost in Game 7. The vital game that the Rockets had worked so hard all season to get home court advantage and blew it. Sigh a T-mac and YAO combination came to nought :(

The only relieve came only in the form of Utd finally securing the league title over the following weekend. That weekend also marked the start of the soccer church league. I was proud of the efforts by the guys that played, but its always a major disappointment to lose a match through 2 penalties.

I sat on the bench throughout. Trust me, I was so pre-occupied lifting the spirits of others that I was conscious not to show my disappointment. My natural poisitions would have me playing either as a 'keeper or a forward. To lose by a singular goal and with all the chances, I do feel a personal sense of disappointment not given a chance to win the game.

This week that is coming to an end... another closely-fought battle only resulted in a painful 2-1 defeat. I guess enough said.

As a striker, I want to get down the pitch and score, but I guess when I'm also paying the price for being able to play in both positions. I'm quite sure I'm one of the first into the team list but I end up being on the tail-end of the picking order. Does it suck to be sitting on the bench? Do I get frustrated being over-looked regularly?

Of course it does! Despite generally exhibiting a cool demeanour when I don't play, it doesn't mean I don't wish to enter the field or I play without passion. But I guess, with so many hot-headed players to calm down, I've gotten my hands full.

But why do I persist? Well, I won't deny that sports brings out a competitive nature in me. A passion to perform at my best. But taking part in a variety of sports has taught me tremendously lessons in life. Perseverance, belief, confidence, focus, being composed ... All these parts of my life would have been weaker without being involved in sports, training and competitions.

The World of Sports. It ain't that simple.

What I've been up to..

I'm not sure if anyone cares to read about this, but since I'm feeling "zonk", I'll just exercise this opportunity to inflate my ego and believe that there are busy, world-changing, loving people who actually do drop in here occasionally to to catch up on the story of my life..

Life has been speeding by me the last couple of days.

To make this entry more pleasing to the eye, allow me to list the updates in point form.

1. To my utter horror, I realize my muscles have been developing 5 inches below the target spot. I wanted to develop stronger chest muscles, I ended up with a little pouch.. Sheesh.

2. I spent another wad of cash on new pair of soccer boots, (new season coming up!) a pair of new specs (makes me look nerdy, but that is in fashion right??). Feeling utterly guilty. But then again, they were legitimate replacement purchases.

3. The family vacation is finally on!. After years of waiting, I'm finally going for a holiday and not thinking about work or national security. Not sure if a trip overseas with the family will be the most relaxing, but hey, even though I gotta pay for airfare, at least I get free accommodation. Gotta be grateful.

4.I'm enjoying my work in Halogen Foundation.Its been a crazy, fun filled, never dull month working full time with a cause that is close to my heart. Just received a bigger portfolio to work on. Its kinda flattering to have the confidence in your work, when I feel I've still be trying to find my feet around the office.

5. I didn't fall in love. Now, you might wonder why did I put this point down, since its not exactly news worthy. But to me, not falling in love is an achievement. The last couple of weeks, I've reflected on my 'dating life'. There were a couple of possibilities, and several, erm.. close calls. But thru the grace of God, a spanner or two (figuratively) were thrown in before the possible (disastrous) relationship could actually take place. But nothing happened. Looking it back, I see God's hand in it. The best lesson I've learn thus far is this; Love is a choice. Love is also a source of violate energy. Therefore, although there might be intense mutual attraction, falling in love with a person is a choice and I should not rush into it or falling in love with the ideology of love.

I guess the best circumstance to fall in love is when two individuals are comfortable
with one another and can be themselves; accepting each other's past and having each other in mind; plotting a future together with God in the center of their lives.

6. I've been feeling lethargic and under the weather. Silly of me to attempt to be aggressive in tennis on May day when I was struggling to catch up. For my effort, I slipped, and swung my racket right smack into my face. End result. Bleeding gum and a slightly swollen lip.

7. Looking forward to Spiderman 3. Its been a long while since I went for a mass movie outing. Keeping my fingers crossed it'll be enjoyable.

-

Just another weekend

The weekend can sometimes just blow by so quickly, that I feel I've not had much of a rest in the first place.
Hmm, this weekend of mine was action packed to say the least.

It started off on a Friday night with a round of nice drinks and chit-chat with old friends, till we were ushered out of the Marina Mandarin's hotel lounge. And that is a first for me.
My plans to sleep thru mid-Saturday afternoon were taken away by my dearest mum. She woke me up to have coffee and visit IKEA with her; but I was feeling lazy, and it took me the grandest of 2 hours to wash up and got ready. By the time we were at IKEA, it was past lunch time, therefore the queue was significantly shorter.. and that was good news..

The evening was a brief work-out. It was the first time I open 2 cans of 'gas' tennis balls with my dear tennis kakis (buddies) and I'm sure they had a ball of time. Like any other part of my tennis game; if I had decent contact, follow-thru properly on my strokes (esp my serves), I get an easy return shot, or an "ace" but then again, I double-fault too often trying to get my serve in properly or hit my strokes with more heft.

Sunday was a good Sabbath. It was pretty adapt for me to be reminded about living a surrendered life in service. Besides church service, it was nice to bring a new cell member for soccer. I'm glad that he seems to be adapting well. To see his face lit up when he finally got onto the field and playing his heart out was the highlight of the match for me. And for the record, I played in goal again. This time around, at least I had a clean sheet till I substituted myself to rest .. final score of the game was 1-1. Not too shabby I must say.

Finally dinner on Sunday was an early celebration of my mum's 52. We had German food :D Of course, German beer was thoroughly enjoyed; unfortunately, our short trip to the nearby cheesecake cafe was fruitless as the cafe was packed even on a late Sunday night..

Yup. That's my weekend. Geez, now I'm back on my desk, preparing for my week ahead. Keeping my fingers crossed and praying for favour among many other things; for my sister's application.

Personality Test.

Sharing 1 hr worth about Life after 'O' levels with the ACS boys wasn't enough for me. Although it didn't get off to the best start, but towards the end, I left them wanting for me. And to me, that has achieved what I wanted in the first place.

I wanted my youth to find out more about themselves, to start taking the ownership and plot their life journey.

Well, all talk and no action eh?

I'm a strong believer that we should always work to the best of our ability and in our God-given design. Therefore to encourage you my reader, I'm sharing with you my job personality test results .. don't mock me.

------------------------Part One from Tickle--------------
Shane, the right jobs for you would allow you to be Strategic and Creative


With your skills, you could be earning up to $200,000 per year. Find out which jobs match these skills in your personalized Right Job Report.
As a Strategic type, you want to be able to express yourself and your ideas through work. Sure there's a time and place for rules and procedures, but when a good thought strikes you, you don't want it to be boxed into one way of thinking. You're willing to go outside the rules if there's a chance that the risk will reap big rewards.

You are stronger than most when it comes to generating ideas. And because of this, it might sometimes feel easier to take on all aspects of a job yourself instead of wasting time explaining it to someone else who might not "get it" like you do. But because you have so many ideas and are willing to take on so much, you might find that you sometimes have trouble finishing every project you start.

Your diplomacy and adaptability make you a valuable asset. But your need to feel invested in a company that allows you to express your original ways of thinking will ultimately impact how happy you are in the workplace.

The Unofficial Report: ASEAN Youth Leadership Development Programme 2007

Spending 1 week at Port Dickson, being the sole Singapore representative for the ASEAN Youth Leadership Development Programme was a an eye-opener for me. Nope, I wasn't new to Malaysia, its culture or even the cuisine served. Even the long bus rides throughout the country were expected of.

But I wasn't feeling very confident when I boarded the plane to KLIA. The last couple of years, I had grown accustomed to be the background worker, the nitty-gritty guy, the one who does all the unglamorous work; now being thrust back into the spotlight after years of hiding in a cave. And I was going to be all alone.

Nearly every delegate from the different ASEAN country was an official, with years of public service and political experience. And me? Well, I’m a history buff & an active volunteer & worker for the Halogen Foundation (aka Young Leaders) for years now, but I was only from an NGO. Each country official I met, was curious of my background, why there weren’t any Singapore official for this programme etc etc.. Sheesh, not the greatest of starts I tell you.

It came across my mind, to just be shy and hide away. I was after all, from the smallest country, with the least agenda. It would have been easy to blend in and remain anonymous. But I had my objectives. I was there to network and make friends. Somewhere along the way, I hoped to have a good time.

Boy! was my prayer answered.

I won’t say I had a ball of a time, cause there were instances of nuisance (such as no internet connection for the whole trip!), but for all my pre-departure objectives, it was met. Even my silent social wishes were answered in a manner that I knew clearly that God was getting personally involved.

The programme started on a SUNDAY!!! Sabbath day. I never expected to hit off with the different officials well. They were a myriad of personalities. But everyone there had a strong will and incredible insights. We all started very formally, the exchanging of name-cards and friendly banter. Even the conference layout was very formal, with microphones at each country place and the 9 ASEAN delegates being seat according to alphabetical order via formal negotiation style. The ICE was really deeply-frozen. And that became the perfect platform for me to make a variety of Singapore jokes.

By the end of the whole programme (which lasted 7 days!), most of the delegates were looking forward to see me again in Singapore when they meet for another round of formal meetings. Talk about a quick transformation! Within days, they spoke to me and we had great conversations on the different challenges our countries faced. A few delegates even teased me and challenged me to be more active in the local Singapore political scene and run for office. That was a pretty cool compliment for me.

Back in Singapore, I wondered what changed. Initially, a fellow delegate once shared with me that he kinda expected a rather bland Singaporean at the programme. Maybe they loved the fact that I was more spontaneous and as what official said, I was funnier and more insightful in my sharing than previous Singapore delegates. What a nice compliment eh?? But yeah, the most common gripe that had of me... The speed of my speeches.

Yup. I talked too fast. Even though I tried to intentionally slow down. I have to learn to put more pit-stops between each word, not just sentences anymore. So if I’m serious about running for public office, then I gotta work a lot harder on my speech and conversational presentation.

Yup, there were a lot of beautiful memories of the trip. The most beautiful were never captured on film. Cheezy uh.. I wonder if I should even blog about it..

Gotta Re-learn new things

its really amazing at times, that after whole rounds of incidents that I'm back at learning the most basic things with regards to faith.

Its always the simple issues that God sometimes uses to remind us of how things can be so wonderfully simple, yet with our disbelief, we can all make things so much harder for ourselves.

the first lesson I've been reminded of ....."Its wiser to earnestly pray before taking action; then to take action and start praying for your way to bear fruit."

Too often, I make one of those, prayers, "if its your will, I'll claim this upon your name." And before I even receive wise counsel, I find myself consciously or unconsciously taking steps to venture forward in the items I've prayed for.

While its important to take the leap of faith when we are tasked with things to fulfil, sometimes its so much the wiser to take the step slower, and pray through things first before we realize that we've already pre-decided what are the actions to take before the actual praying takes place.

The second, has been a gentle surprise to me. That God, the almighty, the omnipotent powerful universal father knows of my concerns before I even plead them. He is actively participating in my life, and is so concern in my life, that he wrestles with me on the very things that are close to my heart.

Be in finances, for he disciplines me to be wise in my investments; in my relationships, he wants me to let go and let him take control and this week, he has send so many people to tell me, that my God, is Emmanuel and Jehovah-jireh.

He provides for me. Even for my relational needs and have been calling out to me to pray to him ; trust in him to provide for me in a life partner.

Although in my head and soul I knew God can provide, but I'm too caught up with making the 'right moves' and being the right person that I've lost the focus with regards to having faith of God's providence. In the last few weeks, God is reminding me that, my faith has been too minuscule.
When God provides, it will be at the perfect timing of my life. If only I trust him, as I trust him with my life.

Amazing. the god of the universal wants to be my match-maker.

Its been 2 weeks
since that fateful day when I finally asked what's wrong with this particular friendship that had been the centre of my focus for sometime.

For 2 weeks, I've been wondering, and even during my quiet time and through reflection, I sat there wondering, and praying constantly, Lord, what have I done again to have broken something that you've blessed me with?

Sigh. It hurts.

I feel like a terrible steward of God's intangible gifts in my life. I am troubled coz I've been poor in defending the interest and protecting my fellow sisters in Christ.

I used to believe that only the boyfriends or partners of a lady would need the security of a male. But recently, through my time with God and reflection, I realize how wrong I've been.

I need to learn to defend the interest of my sisters in Christ. I gotta help reduce the confusion, pray with them and be even more sincere and open in my affection to them. Besides not just having the right intentions, I gotta be more careful to have the right follow-up so that no matter what happens, it will not be just the right thing to do, but the most delightful thing I can do for the sister.

What does it mean in measurable terms?

Simply, I gotta position myself in the manner that I won't just look after my own interest but instead, I gotta be the protector of my sister, love her as my own and most importantly help her love God more each day and not draw her away from him.

It took me two weeks to learn all these. Whether I can a chance to reconcile that relationship is another story altogether.

The Investment of diminishing returns that hurts beyond yar wallet!

Sitting on the late train back home after a fruitful meeting; on board the MRT,
I'm wondering why sometimes in life how relationships between friends, love ones and kinships are often related with diminishing returns..

I had my fair share of great relationships and well, ones that would fall under the poor return of investment category.

Kinship to me, is the always going to be first and foremost the closest to my heart. An due to the nature of relationship being the closest to our hearts, it is becomes the most sensitive. Even through my extend family, I see the grimly returns of investments that the elder receives, reaping diminishing returns for their earlier investment in their child they love so dearly.
I count myself blessed that despite the occasional downs, the relationships I share with my immediate family has generally been loving and of great comfort. Despite the fact that it can be pretty laborious to maintain and build stronger bonds amongst family members; its already a blessing to be in a family that has generally avoid a diminishing return when it comes to kinship.

When it comes to friendship, I'm much more sceptical. From a young age, I realized that I never had a problem meeting new people and getting to know them. However, after a while, you realize its near impossible to have any form of depth in those friendships if your list of friends were easily in the hundreds. Learning to be prudent and calculative with the investment of time and efforts with friends have been placed me on a pretty challenging learning curve.
Recently, I must admit that when I took stock of the return of investments in my friendships, with a few exceptions, my performance were poor. Only a handful of friends are still in direct contact with me, and I hope most do get a pretty picture of my life. Sadly, its with recent observation, that I become more aware how often I become a doormat to 'friends' or taken advantage of for being available to their needs only at their convenience.
And that really means that I'm left with only a couple of healthy friendships with others.

Somehow it seems that the more I invest in certain relationships, the more it is destined to failure.

So where do I go from here? Hmm, I really am a little lost on this.
One of the best ways is to have no expectations when it comes to relationships. But try as I might.. It is a hell of a struggle not to wonder, not to care, not have a hope that this relationship that you're investing could be one that will a life-long one.

During this time of writing and reflection, I'm drawn to the parallels of how our Father, our creator, the lover of our hearts feels the same; the conflicted pain that I'm going through. Well, he gets it worst than me for sure. Surely, he knew about the oblivious diminishing returns that plagues the relationships that we face. He understands the heartache when we invest more of our love and get hurt in the end. What more about his perfect love for us, and our subsequent denial of him.

Could our father allow all of this to happen to us, to let us experience and draw us closer to him.. To understand his nature even more?

I know it does for me.

In pursuit of happiness.

Early this morning, I had several incidents that took away the winds of my sail ..
Since someone today did mention that my blog is kind of boring coz I keep talking about romance & relationships, let me set sail on a different topic and talk about the pursuit of happiness.

1 thing I've learnt over the last few years is that the pursuit of happiness for each individual is a journey of self-discovery.. a pain-staking challenge to know what each individual values in life and what is worth investing in.

Happiness, is an individual's responsibility. Not your signifcant others, or even your family members.

You may be a victim of circumstances, or happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, but you still have one absolute. And that is you've the choice to decide how you respond to the situation. I'm not saying that there is always goanna be a decision that will make you happy, but there is always the decision to make it less painful.
The pursuit of happiness isn't just about being happy, but also making a journey of self-discovery and gain ownership of your own life. No one is after all going to be fully able to experience for another person the extreme highs and deepest low that comes with each relationship.

In this same manner, it is often common to find ourselves blaming others for causing us pain, and seek them to be responsible to do corrective action. But honestly, if we reflect it carefully, we gotta be responsible that we ourselves first allowed ourselves to be in a position to be hurt.

Therefore, what I'm advocating is simply this.. Your own happiness is your responsibility. (the repeat is of course for the emphasis)
Each one of us have this gift to make someone happier, to make someone's day or ruin it completely; but you're going to be really naive and sound like a spoilt brat if you starting believing or accusing every Tom, Dick and Harry for causing you all the pain in your life. Yes, they might have been responsible to land you in the miserable stage you're in.
A pastor once advised me simply, the person might have a part of the blame, but to simply blame them for it is pointless, when they won't be feeling your pain and misery. You can blame someone to a limit, but one must look at himself/herself and starting taking ownership and move ahead with his / her pursuit of happiness.

Happiness doesn't hinge on someone, neither does pain. It starts from the inside of each individual.

And applying what I'm writing, I'm goanna let what has happened today be passing wind, and not let it sway me from my pursue of happiness.
Just remember I may always attempt to be a nice guy, but don't push it. Vengeance after all is best served cold.

What's up with the logic of love?

everyone loves a good love quote.. how about these to start off the topic

"Love is like swallowing hot chocolate before it has cooled off. It takes you by surprise at first, but keeps you warm for a long time."
Source Unknown
Submitted by Krystal Esplin

"Love is a precious gift that you receive, and you need to give it with caution!"

.....something to give us a stronger reality check

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is battle, love is war, love is growing up."

" love forgives all mistakes and gives you new strength to face the day.."- shane

For the last couple of years, I fear falling in love again. That is until I met someone who fears it more than I do.. Well, the source of my fear is the simple distaste I've when you're out of love.

I'll be first to declare that I lack the faith and guts to explore possible relationship paths. Therefore I don't pick up anybody, attempt to make an impression to anyone, and yeah I do the most turn-off things such as talk about past relationships on first dates, and drag on ambigously with people waiting for me to decide if I'm interested in the first place.

I may be willingly to give 90% of effort to make an attempt to work things out, but I'm just as quick at pulling the plug when I think it won't work or I lost the confidence in making things work.

Looking back at my journals, it originated when my confidence was totally shaken; falling out of love in the first place, therefore the possibility of this vicious cycle happening again is a realistic bet.

These days, I amused myself when I openly invite friends to introduce me people to meet. Of course, this lowers my 'attractiveness' ~ (after all the most attractive person is the person you can't have, and when you're taken by someone.. you've the quality assurance that you are of good standing..) But its all part of my process to be comfortable with people again.

These days love to me is still associated with risk, with heartache, wonderful memories coupled with deep angst.
I've created a safety harness of over-working, under committing, being an asshole to every lady who could remotely be interested in me, and of course the best part is me just shooting myself in the foot with every possible relationship.

Maybe I'm just waiting for the day for me to have the courage to take off the safety harness and leave my cave..or a lady who would possess the ability to make me run out of my cave faster than I can say "hippoo.....mus"

Slowly but surely, the unrest in staying this cave is getting stronger. The disgust at myself for clinging onto the harness of being just a good guy to everyone is starting to annoy me more and more. oh yeah, in the background... I'm reminded of my mum's hope for the years ahead..

perhaps love is...just a crazy thing.. mixed with dose of empowerment..

friends, as I strife for the capacity to love again.. may I also pray that love be with you.

Chinese New Year & Pet Peeves

CNY came and gone in a wink of an eye..
For some, it was a good time to get some rest, buy new clothes, introduce someone special to your love ones and the all important reunion of friends and long - separated relatives ; all held over the tables for steamboat, herbal soups, majong, and other forms of recreational table games.

CNY for me this year was a little ... mood-less for me.
Maybe because on the lead up to it, so many things have happened, that I'm feeling extra dry when it came to the festivities. For the whole CNY, I had only 1 new shirt to wear on the first day. In the next couple of weeks, I would be embarking on a new challenge career wise, and still trying to balance my accounts to ensure that I have something decent left after years of working on your own; not earning enough to have decent savings.

but before I start the ramblings of my grouses, I would like to attempt to give thanks first for my circumstances, acknowledging the rich blessings that I've now.

One, is the position to be able to bless others. Financially or physically, although not in great measure, at least I'm still able to contribute a little, and that already makes me blessed. I remember and scribed to Aargon's philosophy of "I give hope to others, but keep none for myself.." These very words have inspired me not because I'm a hero wannabe but those words strikes a cord in my heart to do the same for my fellow peers. After all, I'm entrusting that my father in heaven would know and meet my every need in the first place.

two. the relationships that have grown over the years. Honestly, with my past leaving behind a scar in my attitude towards relationships, I'm most pessimistic when it comes to building new relationships. Be it, romantic or simply platonic ones. Thus, I've to kinda challenge myself to be open to meet new people.
I'm willingly to go 90% of the way for someone, but its up to the other party to consider making that mere 10% effort to seal the deal. The litmus test though is for me to shake off this chain of "I'm not good enough for this person / someone else can make this person happier than me.." blah blah.. Platonic relationships are much simpler for me, as the majority of the time, I'm out as entertaining and being obliging to others, hoping and wishing that if anyone ever asks me, who inspires me, I would reply Jesus Christ.
Nope, I don't really have much friends in all honesty. Most people would come through my life for a season, and move on..only 2 people have so far travelled the course of life with me through ups and down, and neither one have given their life to Jesus Christ. That's the extent of my failure to be a salt and light of the world..

Pet Peeves
Without elaborating, there are few pet peeves that have gotten on my nerves even more the last couple of days. So in no order of magnitude
1. taking people for granted (I'm not only talking about saying your thank you half-heartily)
2. disrespecting elders/others
3. being stingy with your blessings
4. thought-less-ness
5. stirring up troubles / looking for conflict amongst others
6. hypocritical actions
7. ego-centric actions and behaviours
8. a lack of holiday to rest and be inspired.

Yup, I'm stopping myself at eight. The auspicious number. Well, this CNY, hasn't been a joy ride. With my cousin registering his marriage (great news for the family!) I'm feeling the 'latent' heat when my mum starts mumbling under her breathe about being a grandmother before the age of 60 to everyone when she does the 'lao yu seng'. That leaves me 5 years more to go. Doesn't help that I've not contributed to CPF in the last 5 years..
Maybe my next holiday has to be more purposeful. After all, its been close to 4 years since I had one.

Sigh..

Why you should never plan surprises

As the last few weeks have been kinda busy and all, esp with the CNY preparation...
V-day came and went off just as quickly.. (I was stuck in traffic for over an hour, but at least it was with someone I wanted to spend that time with..)
Therefore, today, I wanted to plan a little surprise for this particular fine lady who possess the ability to make my day by her mere presence.
I wanted to cheer her up, and help her ring in the festive mood since she's has been working over-time for the longest of time..
So there I was happily planning and making the arrangements.
She asked "What's the plan", and I gave her a sketchy one to ease her appetite.. She still seemed interested..
I even check with her till the very last detail, "when shall we meet.."
But alas, maybe it was my persistence, in the end she simply sent as sms that wrote this heartbreaking words," you do your own thing, and...."
I tried to make her change her mind, but she decided that she wasn't going anywhere.

I'm still in shock.
But all the reservation and plans have been scraped. I mean she has her reasons, (which are still unknown to me)... and they could be very legit, and I'll feel like a fool if I allow this to become a storm in the a teacup..

Morale of the story, never plan for a surprise unless you expect one for yourself too.

Spending the evening with Dad & Mum..

how often does a 23 year spend an evening alone with dad & mum on a saturday night evening? Esp when you're part of a bigger brood of 4 siblings and often the least attention catching one..

So it was kinda different, having the chance to go around looking for some buffet as my parents had the craving and finally after 2 hours, we finally settle for Oscars @ the Conrad Centennial. Seafood was decent, I had lobsters, prawns, salmon etc etc..
They served decent waffles and a nice pot of tea to end the meal ..

towards the end of the meal, it was time for my parents (esp my mum) to ask me questions regarding my plans in the next few years, how I'm going to juggle between school work and building a career, what paths I'm taking etc...

Well, the funniest comment I hear from my mum, is her growing concern if she could be a grandmother before she is 60.. well, that's 5 more years to go ... but telling that to a single guy like me, I'm like.. okay, first I need to make more female friends, then I need to mask (re-invent) myself more.. and be attractive enuff ... etc etc.. I seriously doubt I can reach my mum's date-line..

Too much stress won't induce a baby or even finding a spouse candidate anytime soon right??

And they say mother knows best.. Oh well, that's for my mum and my heavenly father to plan for me.. I'm still learning to be more 'cool' in relationships..

Speaking of which, I still get the occasional questions, "isn't it funny/difficult to see your ex in church week in, week out..?"
Well, honestly its not like all nice and dandy, but seriously, I'm glad that I do see her from afar once in a while. She has moved on, dated other people, after a period of time, you don't really bother so much. Instead, I'm really glad that most of all, she's still coming to God's temple and worshipping him. There's one being that can love her and cherish her better than me, and all her suitors.. and that is God himself. Therefore, I'm most encourage to see her in church more than anything else. After all, we have hardly exchange even a word/smile for close to 2 years. So its not as if we act as if nothing happens, but I think we're both learning to be cool about it. What affection left behind for me is clearly of kinship affections, and I see her as a sister in Christ that should be love appropriately.

I'm confident that the Lord will continue to uphold and encourage people who like me have struggled with the very foundation of our faith because we were broken in the first place by the circumstances that God allows to happen. Going through all that, I've come to appreciate the complexity and dynamics of relationships in a more intimate manner that I would never have experience it if I wasn't broken by circumstances.

Indeed, going through life's challengers seems impossible with our own strength and might; but there's a little more hope than we can cling onto..

That is, the Lord is the same today, yesterday and forever more. And this same God, loves you more than anyone else could ever love you.

Breaking thru frustration with thanks-giving..

I'm having one of those days that I feel I could apply for a change of name to Murphy.
Nothing seems to have gone smoothly, not my career, my relationships with close friends aren't in a healthy state, and even the simple things such as missing two traffic turns daily ... shows that I'm losing my edge.. sharpness seems to have left me; or a major distraction looms above me.

The most wonderful thing that had happened to me so far, was the opportunity to watch the movie "Happy Birthday" with someone close to my heart. That evening was enjoyable and special, but the day leading up to it was a mess of things...

I was aiming to go to west coast road, I ended up at jurong east, had to do a major a re-route to get back there!!! Meetings get re-arranged so often, that I end up being lost when and where for which meeting !!! sigh..
even the lunches that I'm having, seems to taste a little "off"

But just tonight, there was this brief moment to reflect, amidst my drink and the idle chatter of my close friends @ 1 rochester..

through all the mess, muddles and crap that seems to be 'over-whelming' me, gradually I had lost the simple gift of thanks-giving & appreciation.

I've been blessed to be have an automobile to drive around, to send my friends back to their residences.. (so what if the car needs a major car-wash)
I've been blessed to have the resources to afford birthday gifts for friends and little special tokens and meals for those close to my heart without worrying where the next meal will come from.. (although I''ve a seriously depressed bank account)

and list goes on.. and on..

I realize that sometimes, we find ourselves trapped in these horrible days, due to our mindsets.. maybe even lust. In this broad definition, I consider lust as wanting something beneficial to happen instantly. But how often in life, these become the very trapping of our lives..
Although I reminded often that I'm a child of God, and favour is upon me, I've to constantly remind myself that its not because of who I'm that deserves the favour, but WHO's I belong to that has bestowed the favour. Once I drift away from God, how can I still expected the same favour to be upon me?
Why can't I submit myself and let all the rough patches become training grounds in the moulding of my characters?

Yes, giving thanks has helped me break through the strong-hold of being 'sian' (frustration)

Wise men saying, "what can't break you will make u stronger.." but don't forget that all it takes is enough rubbish in your life, to become rubbish.

Let focus on something more crucial: To Glory be the glory forever.

You and me
by lifehouse

What day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

'Cause its you and me and all of the people
Nothing to do, nothing to lose and its
you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

'Cause its you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do nothing to prove
and its you and me and all of the people and
I don't why I can't keep my eyes off you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
everything she does is beautiful
everything she does is right

'Cause its you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do nothing to lose and
its you and me and all of the people and
I dunno why I can't keep my eyes off of you

and me and all of the people
with nothing to do nothin to prove and
its you and me and all of the people and
I don't why I can't keep my eyes off of you

what day is it
And in what month
this clock never seemed so alive

------------------------
somethings are best kept to ourselves.
Therefore because I realize that I truly care for you, its better to do what's right and best; afterall love is a gamble...
and I rather take the safer route with you..
cause your friendship means more to me than anything else.

Going past break-ups & "issues"

First cut is always the deepest isn't it?
For many of us who can still remember the experience of going through the first break-up, its pain, the shock and agony of picking up the pieces that makes things such a big impression on our lives..
Of course, like falling down, after a while, you will recover better, learn to make more precautions but then again; like a vase being put back together, cracks will exist.

but that isn't the topic of today's entry.. instead I rather focus on the fact that when you've reached my age, 23 and counting, you start to realize that besides all the perceived~ fantastic people (those that you wish were your partners BUT already belong to someone else), there will be that one person; the one bright light amongst the darkness that will set things apart.

Then you wonder aloud, if that person is so wonderful, how come still single??? Doesn't that ever cross your mind? It does to me.

Everyone has a past. Some of us have a little history that we wished we could burn off and bury it into the deepest trench of the world, but even if we did; something the cracks would be still apparent. These cracks are often called "ISSUES"

Even if the very person who has never experience the heartache or scars of relationships might have some 'issues'.. Do we only accept a person when his/her issues are settled; since in reality that everyone would have a couple of them..

The common issues include, a lingering emotion for a past lover, un forgiveness, fear of betrayal , etc etc..

What then are we to do?

well, someone told me if you're really interested in the person, then be prepared to walk that journey of unwinding issues with the person you care for. How true and wise the words are.

of course some issues, you just have to sit & wait for the person to resolve them on their own. Sometimes if you're given the chance, you will be the companion and be bedrock for that person to unravel the knots in life.

On the flip side, we too are also riddled with our own issues. Should we share them to someone special and risked being judged, ridiculed or feel damn uncomfortable for months with regards to it??

So often, I feel that a lot of these issues are difficult to confront on their own. But they still need to be address in the long term for a healthy relationship.. after all conflict management between two people is easily one of the vital keys that can make or break relationships.

At the end of the day, we all got to evaluate if its worthwhile personally to invest your energy and resources to walk with that person.
Just in the same way, as we all struggle with our own issues, one day we gotta ask if we want to share them with our loved ones and let them help us through.

I want to try. To try not just be willingly to bear the burden's of someone else but also let her be able to help me too.

updates coming soon

Going thru Flash Floods

a quick point for point summary of my day..
a) met friends for lunch, (the meal itself was terrible)
b) did the deliveries to clients
c) got caught in 2 flash flood areas,( it was no joke driving thru what you can't see!!!)
d) parked in a car-park that was flooded with garbage water
e) by the time I was home, I've become sick to the bone
f) losing strength in my left side (wondering aloud if I can still kick a soccer ball with my left)

my prayer item
I've yet to make specific plans and objectives (such as career) for this year. But recently, career dilemmas have struck me. Its not about corporate climbing, but relationships and all that intertwines itself. Am really unsure what to do. Lord, reveal your plans.

Top 11 upcoming challenges.

1. not to get any serious injury this up-coming year.
2. not to be too down-hearted, when the days of immobility arrives/ when i screw up
3. complete obedience to the great calling
4. accepting the assurance of love/affection/respect from friends/family
5. pray, trust and have faith for a breakthrough; esp in the providence of finances
6. understand & appreciate, responsibily make full use of the wonderful circumstances of being an agent of influence
7. not shoot myself in the foot in relationships
8. be inspired, believe that 'Eros' is still possible even when my condition worsens
9. continue to impart and grow my love ones to excel and exceed their own expectations
10. not get in the way of God's greater plans for my loved ones and myself
11. fall in love

Its a New Year..

Hmm, time for new resolutions, a new direction perhaps; or simply carrying on your greater scheme of things in life. Hmm, well, a new year to me is like a turn of the page. It can lead on to greater things, a turn of events; getting closer to the climax of the main plot..

But first, it always a good place to start with thanksgiving first right?

I had a roller-coaster 2006. 1st year of being a full-time entrepreneur, stepping out to date once again, spending more hours volunteering and of course gaining new depths of friends and losing a couple along the process.

But above all things, I'm grateful for God's mercy upon my life. He has kept my family healthy, my friends warm and provided me opportunities to grow and also learn from others. What more can I ask?

Well, I could start with a few actually :)

In 2007, I want to increase living life with a zeal. You only live once, you may only have one opportunity to impact the life of someone, to make someone smile. I would love to be able to continue to be given opportunities to make people smile, to make people feel 'loved' and well, hear their inspiring stories.

I would want to be more confident of who the person I'm from, who I am designed to be and of course fulfil the destiny planned for me from the grand master itself.

Financially, I wish to build my nest; its not a retirement nest, but an emergency nest for the days when my body is no longer as mobile. I am now learning and appreciating the value of investment even more. It'll be awesome not to be just in a position to bless others, but to be able to continue to bless others so that they can be a blessing to others.

Lastly, I prayed for spiritual release of the mental torture that lingers in my head when my body breaks down so very often. Its get more frustrating, more painful; knowing and sensing how my body is breaking down more often, severely limiting my ability to think straight, to hold on to the promise of forever.

Constantly, I've to declare on my lips and crave onto my heart; that despite all the physical pain and emotional anguish I may go through, there's eternity to look forward to.

There's a lot more of my personality and character that needs work in my aspect. And as I look towards eternity, this year would be another year of learning more about myself and the people around me.

Yes, in that aspect 2007, will be new page, a start towards eternity and forever.