Fit for service
Lord may you grant me wisdom, as I write this page.

I'm writing this as a personal testimony...its not great, or heart-warming..its just from me.

This morning, I finished my CDS duty. 2 hours odd of sleep...totally..challenging.
No breakfast..Went to suntec city with family. Kinda amusing..parking prbs.. and stuff..but was still enjoyable..

Had a great time of service this evening. Been prayed for during communion. It was special.. Becoz, it also re-affirm tat I often believe that our monthly/weekly communion was one of the singular empowering act (such as baptism) etc..for us Christians.in a corprate set-up..to seek God's face...ask him for forgiveness..and healing..
and tat's when...my pain froze me again.
It wasn't anything new. It wasn't more painful than the rest. My body just re-acted. Nothing alarming. Not tat ppl were alarm in the first place.
Please then, allow to share from the bottom of my heart..wat this epsiode tonight taught me.
I was really in loads of pain. I really wanted to be healed. Some may say, Shane lacks faith to be healed..or Shane's faking it..but I'm cool with tat. I think I've grown a thick enuff skin to not let this bother me anymore. When I feel most alone, I know God's hugging me tighter. N I'm so thankful tat he gave me the human touch previously. Yes, it might have been part of a lifestyle tat wasn't 'honouring' but, I know tat all good things come from God, it only us tat can screw things up by going beyond wat God intended.
Funny enuff...its also pain tat reminds me tat GOD loves me, n has still work for me to do. Yes, my pain keeps me alive. Not tat it never came across my mind, just to end it all...yes, tat thought has crossed my mind, n God has worked thru it...tat's y having gone thru tat phase in life, I'm thankful GOD has let me appreciate life more.
Her parents were around. Her dad prayed for me too.. But maybe they didn't know things like today could happen. Maybe a-part of them is relieved tat we're now apart, therefore, this burden won't be on them too.. Maybe its God way also of showing them the full extent of my 'lack'. But its ok, I've nothing to hide.
I do feel a little heavy heart tat my sister, loved ones had to endure me going thru it all over again. Haha..Not tat I want to.Honestly, so often, I rather suffer in my corner. Yes, I do need n appreciate their concern whenever tat happens, but I don't need their pity. Not tat I'm proud..but its becoz, wat's there to pity? I can still move, praise God n have more to live. I rather have their encouragment. Tat's good enuff..Funny, how ppl give different looks. But its ok, maybe I feel God is just showing me a glimpse of wat Jesus himself went thru. I'm not worthy, but I'm thankful how God has made me appreciate Christ's suffering even more.

Thanks to wat I've been going thru previously, being alone isn't so scary anymore. Being rejected isn't either. I'm not so super-spiritual n say, I often pray tat God heals him/her, so tat is enuff.. I don't need to encourage the person..tat's ..weird.
I think there's a reason, y u pray for someone, u let her/him listen too..!

My sister asked an interesting question, how come some of your friends, just sit there n watch? Y...? I don't know..maybe they're just 'sick' of me being sick..haha.. maybe they've other things to do. Its ok, I mean.. they are not (force) to do anything. So its cool. I don't wish to be a burden to anyone, esp to ppl I care dearly for. I rather she has some dreams tat I'm doing fanstically good, than to know the painful truth. I don't wish for her to be concern abt me n doubt herself. If any, I hope she's concern becoz..of love. Wateva defintion tat maybe.
Maybe its also a hint, tat I should post-pone my mission trip desires in-definitly. Can u imagine me getting a replase in a remote land...Haha..

So am I fit to serve? I think in some capacity. If ppl take away the 'blinds' in their eyes...and the mould tat they've,if they see me as how Christ sees me....I could contribute. I don't deny at times, I feel fustrate how my 'lack' has limited me..but I don't curse it. I know its there for a reason. I want to be healed. But I'm not going to be angry if it doesn't happen immediately. U know y?
Becoz..I'm on the path to death, and more importantly, a chance to have a life w/o the pains of this place. Wat a wonderful day tat'll be.
Therefore, each day, I'm inching closer to that life with Christ.

Lastly, I wish to thank everyone who has helped me previously and now.. Such as my parents, siblings..loved ones...brothers who haven't given up on me...n for ppl tat do pray for me once in a while. I hope tat as how u can see me, u will be able to extend it above n beyond to others too.. I believe God himself will bless u for even taking notice of this person.

I end tonight's posting...with this..
I'm not bitter
angry or upset.
for in my every lack,
its an opportunity to show,
our limits..our needs.
For God to exhibit,
his love, patience n mercy to us.