a life journey

2008-11-19T00:15:00.000+08:00

What is like to be 25?

A casual scribe on my facebook wall, set me thinking for the last few weeks way after my 25th birthday.

(I spent my 25th birthday in a classroom, whilst preparing for an exam..)

What does it mean to be 25 years on earth? ~~ has my existence had any significance ???

Quite honestly, I don't feel 25.. maybe since most people presume that I'm in my later 20s. In fact, majority of my colleagues at Nike didn't believe my age even on my birthday itself :)

At age 25, I'm no longer a baby, child, teen, .....youth.. but slowly embracing adulthood and its responsibilities.
But in career terms, despite dabbling in active employment for nearly 4 years, I feel I'm only at best a toddler in my career development growth.
In fact, one my search these days is to find a career coach/mentor. That story in itself would have to be another posting altogether.

However, I've never based my existence primarily on achievements but instead relationships past or present ranked closer to my heart...

It was indeed heart-warming to receive many well-wishes over facebook on my birthday; however, the reality was that in the next couple of days, I was back spending my weekends alone, in my own thoughts and filling it with fillers such as work and work-0ut sessions.

Work has been such a good excuse and distraction from my abysmal social life. With it, my ability to connect people with me in a personal level has diminished. Work has taught me to be professional and keep my emotions detached; being detached for most of the times has left me a little empty in my tank.

I tried desperately to re-connect / re-engage recently with a lady that I wanted to share more of my life with; but at the very best, I've come to know that I've become a even more difficult person to be with than a year ago.

What does it mean to be 25?

To me, it means ... the best is yet to be

2008-08-10T21:49:00.002+08:00

Moving forward.... requires no excuses.

2008-07-10T00:37:00.000+08:00

Critically Examin..

The British Uni exams love to start off all our 1 line exam questions with this simply phrase, " Critically examin...."

And flowing with this theme, let me introduce this simple 5 self-reflection ~ meme

Critically examin ...

your overall satisfaction with life
the success of resolutions made this year
what you've done well this year
what you wish you can do better
what needs to be done to reach those goals

Hmm.. I've lots to write, but I think I'll sit on my answer just for a little while longer to organize my thoughts better..

Till tomorrow.

2008-06-07T14:05:00.000+08:00

On grey days, I wish through the eyes of an innocent child; their world is my reality.
Relationships were honest, worthy and noble.
Out there, in this crazy destructive world; God has a soulmate for me

[ Soulmate lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No worries folks. I ain't depressed. Vertigo is just amplifying the imbalances of my life.

2008-05-13T01:03:00.000+08:00

It is easier to complain

Isn't it so?

Easier to complain and to wonder of the What ifs that should fallen our way instead of our things that did turn our way?

We can ..... blame the weather, fatigue, etc etc for not getting into shape.

Blame technology or poor quality checks when things break down.

Blame work schedules when we don't show care & concern to the people that we should.

Blame the lack of opportunities when we remain single :) (Okay.. that's my excuse these days!)_

Blame XXXXXX for doing XXXX work wrongly etc..

and the list goes on.. (you get the picture...)

Sometimes, we even form groups to comfort one another to hear each other's grouses and sorrows.. And to me, that's not a bad thing; after all, emotionally we get a sense of relieve after a heartfelt session of pouring our hearts out ... irregardless if we need the advise melted out thereafter.

I'm just wondering aloud, if we spend the same amount of effort complaining sometimes on giving thanks for the things that were indeed in our favor, wouldn't life be radically different?

I know, we all love to hate that one person who seems forever cheerful. The one who can find the ray of sunlight in the darkest of storm. But hey, to be cheerful does not mean to rub your 'joy' in the wounds of others. I'm most amused when I witness individuals who are blissful unaware of the plight of others; hence the barge of angry stares when a smile is seen in the mist of tears.

Hmm, but still little by little.. I hope to have more of that perspective in my life.

Why?

Because, there is so much more to life than just whinning it away. There're so many more to explore, to experience.. to witness. Yes, I wouldn't hesitate to be a listening ear to my pals; but for me .. I want to challenge myself to not live in a life of excuses and complains.

Gotta get tough and in shape.

Just DO IT!

2008-04-16T22:50:00.000+08:00

Seasons of the Sun..

In the midst of meandering through this life journey, I realize the existence of an eternal witness and teacher that always succeed in making me feel silly at the end of the day~ Good O' Father TIME..

TIME has bore me - patience, trust, belief, the importance of planning, God's love and many more.

~all within the seasons of the sun.

Shouldn't we than live for the moment, since the hours and days will take care of itself anyways irrespective of our input.

Sometimes, I amuse myself when I look at back at the things I fret over... relationships, character building, wealth management etc..

Recently, witnessing several relationship galloping towards the next phase has reassure me that ... God's has their lives planned in PERFECT TIMING. Well, I guess that's what we call ~ all in God's good timing.

But of course, don't we all love to chip in and let our FATE rest in our hands?

While attempting to master the right timing, it will eventually fall short of perfection by miles wide.

I guess at the end of the day, I come to the simple conclusion that I'll be better off mastering the very circumstances and challenges in this current season.

2008-02-11T00:42:00.000+08:00

The YEAR of the RAT

Its been well over 2 months over-due, countless drafts were being saved ... with CNY celebrations still ringing in .. there's no more opportune time than now to give a quick update.

After a 4months break to rest and focus more on studies, I'm back to work full time with Nike Singapore. The journey of being employed is amongst the many drafts saved;.. to cut the long story short, this job is a reminder of God's providence, love and attention to detail in my life.

How GREAT is our God!

CNY celebrations has been a wonderful time to catch up with family and friends. To me, meeting old friends only once a year seems ridiculous, but nevertheless, heart-warming. Just not too long ago, I finally met up with a family that I should have visited well over 10 years ago. In this mad-cap weekend, I managed to even celebrate 1 birthday, witness 2 new-born babies, visited 3 families unannounced etc.. To see everyone healthy, happy and loving is the greatest gift of all.

Not everyday will be CNY celebrations or romantic like V-day, but these fantastic man-made 'hallmark' days serve as a milestone for evaluation, a time for celebration, communion and most importantly to remind us that there is life beyond work, school, chores and tasks!

Happy Lunar New Year once again!

2007-11-30T02:27:00.000+08:00

Finding sustainable middle ground.

From hardly spending much time at home, to becoming a hermit, I've gone end to end from one extreme to the next.

It was not too many seasons ago, life for me revolved around the people in my life. Relationships seem to be like summertime, the weather was all bright and sunny; the birds were chirping away, and every plan, career or financial had 'WE' in each life-long commitment. Then, winter came. I turn to find solace in God for my soul, and work for my waking hours. Burying myself with work, in any means or forms was the most practical manner to take away attention and energy. It was pretty successful. At the end of 2 years, with no holidays and mental rest, my mental sharpness starting to dip. At the expense and disguise of work, I shy away from relationships and quite honest bear little desire to maintain relationships that ebbed away.

Now, no longer in employment, and with 'We' being inapplicable to plan ahead, I'm in middle ground. A little lost to say the least. I often remind myself these days, that I need to start planning and living life for my own self. I gotta be more responsible with my own time, my own goals, and not be conscious with how it might affect people. Little by little, I need to embrace a more individualist desire to compete. Live life not just struggling through the bread and butter issues, but to live life and be comfortable with a touch of personal extravagances.

Growing up, I had a collective mentality. In my youth, I joined numerous sporting teams; enjoying the camaraderie , the joy and sorrow of winning and losing together. In the team atmosphere, there was a strong group identity, security, affection and the pressure of winning shared not just in an individual but a pursuit for glory as a team. Thus, in big team sports such as soccer, basketball or even frisbee, I fancy myself as the playmaker, the one that made others look good.
Maybe I wasn't very good at that, for in truth, my finer sporting moments came in individual or sports that required just another partner. High stake matches, were my personal favorite. I guess, that's where the maverick part of me is unleashed. When I compete tentatively, more often, I end up getting my butt kicked. Somehow, it seems playing it safe doesn't work for me.

Is there a manual out there to calibrate myself with the elusive balance for optimal performance. There needs to be enough individual drive and goals to compete and live life fully without becoming a narcissist jerk. Now, won't that would be a great Christmas gift ?

2007-11-14T20:51:00.000+08:00

A year older.

If I was to sum up the season of my life from the 22nd summer to the 23rd, it would be, getting myself back on my own two feet. And a year on, this journey continues towards a valley..

Just a couple of weeks ago, I celebrate my 24th with family & close friends. On B-day itself was three rounds of celebrations! What a blessing ..

The gifts I receive this year is by far the most creative. From family, I received a soft-toy (piggy! wat else) that doubles up as sound speakers! A skinny tie from my younger sister that had printed kisses embalmed all over, and from close friends a kinky combination of a belt and a book "How to give woman absolute *&*4%$^%#$". My-my.. Of course, to balance off the creative gifts , I received practical and greatly appreciated gifts of a red-packet to tide my jobless days, and a pair of funky tennis shoes ;)

If it was ever possible to translate all the gifts, treats and well-wishes, into a single currency; then my guess, my life would have been richer from the heart-felt love and affection I've received. I've always approach birthdays in usual morbid fashion, and this year was no different. The usual opening question I asked myself, in the past year, what's the number one lesson learnt?

It took me a while, weeks to resonate and reflect. Jotting down little thoughts, with the occasional feedback, led to this conclusion. This year's challenge would be the simple issue of WHO AM I?

Knowing who am i, has been a journey of twist and turns. Through my emotional, spiritual and physical evolution as a human being, the question and struggle of one's identity signifies and impacts the attitude, mannerism, values and philosophy of life. Identity seems to be interweaving the trinity of an individual.

I'm in a good place when it comes to my identity. I have come to a place where I don't feel necessary to have a blooming career or a prestigious job to define my place in society. Neither does social standing or the necessity of maintaining high profile associates attract me. My past remains an active part of my lifejourney but I've know that my past won't necessary define the course of my future. Expectations (external or self-imposed) has and may continue to remain a good form of pressure to push ahead, but I'm understanding and learning better, that it should not by any means define my identity. Even the comments from others, snide remarks or praises will shake my nametag.

My actions will define me.

My name is Shane. Nice to know you.

Cheers.

2007-11-01T00:03:00.000+08:00

a new month, a new commentary.

Hi Folks, I'm intending to migrate part of writing to the following weblog.
http://myfivecentsworth.wordpress.com/.

In the next couple of weeks, I'm hoping to invite a few esteem writers to contribute to the site.

Look out for it.

Cheers!

2007-10-15T19:38:00.000+08:00

Things that last for a little while longer.

I've been 'jobless' for 2 weeks odd now. Not being associated with a professional organization, and the odd adjustment of having little date-lines to meet; has made my life these days, some~what.. different.

I have been tempted to go in blind and apply for jobs that would further enhance my professional pursuit. By God's good grace, a good headache emerged within a few days.

I've been blessed with a job offer, that would have been a wonderful addition to my resume. But alas, I've already undertaken my under-graduate studies, taking 2 heavy loads might be over-estimating my abilities by a stretch.

These days, I cross out and enjoy the satistifaction of completing little things that I've avoid doing since I begun working full-time a couple of years ago. And of'coz getting more sleep is always a bonus in some sense.

The number one goal I've in this season to achieve; is to re-calibrate my life towards the purposes and goals that I'm designed for.

Sounds easy? Between getting my head in check and resisting the evils of pro-crastion, getting down to re-calibrating ain't a smooth ride thus far.

Before I end this post, i thought it would be appropriate for me to share a little thought that a recently re-acquainted friend of mine reminded me, as an important 'compass' point for life.

Her point was simple. Here's my paraphrased version -> "if you truly go after God's heart, won't God's promises bless you with things you desire and beyond?"

In life, regardless of pursuit, we go to the ends of the world, believing that with the reward for the pursuit would satisfy us; or at-least through the process of pursuit we find meaning in it.

But aren't we then leaving ourselves to be defined by the pursuit, the achievement of the pursuit ??

Think about it, what is the compass of your life?

2007-09-18T17:23:00.000+08:00

School has begun.. Life lessons in perspective

The writing had been on the wall for the longest of time, it was only waiting to happen...

.me buried in textbooks. instead of writing a monologue regarding the first night of lessons, let me share with you this lesson I've learn in my pursuit of education.

I won't deny there have been days where I've a tinge of regret of not pursuing my undergraduate studies immediately after National Service. Today, a second opportunity to further my education is here and I'm holding onto it tight.

I enjoy the process of learning. The whole adventure of stretching your mind and challenging concepts and finally appreciating how things are taught in a certain manner.

I used to hold dear to the belief that if at the right environment combined with the right season, education would be a breeze. And for the longest of time, I told others, the season for me to return to study is yet to come. I waited, and waited.. for the right signs to study again... signs such as getting back my confidence, having the right finances, or even just the hunger to study.

I waited for over 2 years. Finally, I saw a glimpse of the right timing, and I applied. The issue was the the readiness to receive education, and not getting through the application process.

Today, I bear you testimony, that my belief is gravely mistaken. There might never be an opportune time, EVEN IF YOU PRAY AND SEEK God's will .. and just WAIT. Unless I follow up with it my actions of faith, I might never experience the opportunity to see how God will work in my life through this predicament.

Is this the right season for me to continue studying?? Nah, my mind is like an over-soaked sponge. But hey, this is as good a time as any to get rid of the junk so that new knowledge can be absorbed!

2007-09-14T19:18:00.000+08:00

Stir & Shaken

Professionally and personally, I've dried up. Out of ideas, out of sorts.
I am at a loss of words to describe how I feel inside, the daily wars that rages in my mind has taken its toll.

I don't fully comprehend the reasons that have led me to this state of my life, but I know with complete conviction that it needs to stop soon before it consumes my being. How things have become they way they are --- Is there a bigger cosmic reasons besides the simple notion of being plagued with 'bad luck' or I'm suffering from poor perception that allows me to become a reactor of circumstances instead of planning ahead and making this happen.

Bit by bit, the burden becomes heavier. In a couple of days, I'll be a student once again. Misery pilling on misery? Only time will tell.

For many years, I've be intentionally keeping my perceptive in life as a pitcher that is Half-full But now, going through various setbacks and several note-worthy mistakes, the attention on my weakness, the effort to make those corrections and working on things that aren't really my shape have zapped my energy and taken away my focus....

I would love to leave it all behind. Like an exuvia, leaving behind my old skeleton, and moving ahead in life with renewed vigor and priorities. I'm not the best at moving on, because I take things like my work too personally, and often find myself stuck at the sentimental fix.

In the next few months, I'm going to challenge myself to leave things behind. "Left behind, but not forgotten." I'm a relator & a learner. I need to be free to move on. I don't wish to stagnant, and become the next hotspot for the ades mosquito.

God, I've placed my trust, my confidence, my identity in you. And for far too long, my relationship with you have been at best luke warm. It is no surprise therefore that I'm lost in my identity and my future. Please renew me and bring me back to the place of the intimacy we shared. Amen.

2007-09-12T01:09:00.000+08:00

My Best Friend ..
Recently, my best buddy hasn't been Jasper, Ben or anyone else close to my social circle. My best buddy has been MURPHY. He seems to be like an over-zealous traffic warden, reminding that he's close by, waiting for me to shortchange myself.. Today, I manage to break another badminton racket without doing a SAFIN (which is to wreck my racket after a terrible shot selection)

Results from Strength Finder 2.0 -> Shane's top 5 themes are, Relator, Learner, Activator, Deliberative & Communication. What does it all mean?? Well, a long path ahead of self-discovery beckons.

2007-08-22T00:14:00.000+08:00

Knowing oneself

"One who knows the enemy and knows himself will not be endangered in a hundred engagements.
One who does not know the enemy but knows himself will sometimes meet with defeat.
One who knows neither the enemy nor himself will invariably be defeated in every engagement."
-Sun Tzu

Knowing oneself is a tough process with no short cut in sight. Bit by bit, I'm learning that it involves stripping oneself of pretense and delusion; deceit in any form or manner. Its been a painful process, laying bare my mental and physical self in honest realization.

I'm going to be 24 years of age in a couple of months. Although those who have met me may not believe, but yes, I've existent for 23 years and a little more. In the quest to regain some mental sanity and sharpness for work , I've realize the downward spiral of my mental and spiritual health in the last couple of years.

I asked myself this question as I type this paragraph into existence. What the bloody hell am I doing with my life? Do I know what I'm doing?? Do I even know myself at all?

It starts from the daily things and the things that I'm not doing or not getting it done. "Why am I not doing what I'm suppose to ?"... sigh.. thus begins the audaciously trying process of self- examination.

I know I'm in a rut, socially, mentally and most likely physically as well. What's important for me is not simply accepting that I'm in a rut, but having the desire, will and determination to live beyond this ditch or wallow in mediocrity.

Getting to know myself is no ego trip or simply admitting that I'm a failure and maintaining status quo. I've failed so often over the past few years, and its getting more difficult and challenging to stand up once again to be up for the next battle.

But as Sun Tze points out, if I don't know myself, then each battle I'll be fighting a losing war.

In the modern, globalized world today, employers might consider paying well for a jack-of-all trades, but its really the specialist; the people who have realized their strengths, worked on it and make it really outstanding that gets the final nod when it matters.

I got go spend more time on my own wisely, and maybe with trusted friends, to build up myself through prayer and petition. I'm losing focus in my life. Admitting it is the first step. Doing something and moving forward towards the goal is another step altogether.

2007-07-24T16:32:00.000+08:00

Bleah!

Have you ever feel like you're working but far from optimal speed? Like a desktop that needs a disk defragmentation, thoughts have been weighing heavily on my mind. The more I don't wish to think about it, the more it pops up!

I struggle with these thoughts, knowing that I've to relinquish them and not indulge in it, but little by little they remove my sharpness from my daily activities.

1. Thoughts of how to get myself to work better, to know what I truly want and the purpose of my existence. The nitty-gritty of it all. Sy Rogers call us the HERO generation. I feel like one who is far from destiny.

2. Repelling people. It is one thing to be secure enough to have meals alone, staying home or even go shopping alone. But now, its become a regular comfortable routine for me. It feels at times that I'm living on personal island in this little sunny island. You know the feeling of being lonely while being stuck in a crowd. The worst of it all, up till recently, I felt there was nothing wrong with it.

3. Work became an acceptable excuse. I ain't lying about it. Bit by bit, I enjoyed being alone in the office, walking away at the end of church service. It isn't about being unfriendly, but simply having no longer having a desire to strike up conversations with people.

And then it struck me how much I've changed. I loved conversations. Knowing, appreciating, understanding different personalities, beliefs and perspectives. But now with "work", its seems a lazy acceptable form of excuse to avoid people.

4. Relationships. The heck-care attitude. If its there, its there. Why should I bother investing when the rate of return seems to be a loss anyway. Its not that I don't care, but I'm asking myself, what can I contribute these days? What right do I've to take up people's time? Simply, I've become lazy and even avoid develop meaningful relationships.

Looking back, I wonder, which relationships are worth another chance, which ones, I gotta let go. Sigh! Besides flashing a smile and saying the usual greetings, the numbers of friends that I've, may not go beyond the half a dozen.

5. These days, a little storm in brewing inside of me. I feel a sense of anger, believing that I've the same very right to be on the soccer pitch, since I've fulfil all the pre-set team requirements. To train on my own, to arrive on the pitch on time, to be a team-player, to make myself available each time at a cost more than I can bear. How do I justify to myself when I feel being over-looked? Am I not fit to contribute more than the mere minutes given?

Taking a step back, I'm asking myself today, what right do I have to be even angry? Am I not of the weakest in health, am I not alive and well by the grace of God.

Why have I disintegrated into an ungrateful donkey? What has happened?

My life hasn't reached the pits of "The pursuit of happyness". But that movie taught me that our happiness isn't some God-given right. Theologically speaking, peace is a gift from God. But to find happiness and meaning, we've to play our part. I aint' trying to be drama mama about it, but when you know that there is more to life than the current niggling struggles, I feel that I just need to break free to really be ALIVE.

Uh.. this song from King David, spells out the cry of my heart.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."
-Psalm 51:10-12 - NIV

Lord. Sustain me. please.

2007-06-08T01:10:00.000+08:00

Cherising Life's treasures

Before, it gets all too cluttered, too tiring, and meaningless..

Even if there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, if you don't treasure what you already have, how would you appreciate whats to come?

Cherish life. Not just your own, but the circumstances, personalities, environment and implications.

Never submitt, foresake, give up .. belief.

2007-05-27T23:25:00.000+08:00

I need a clear mind

sometimes it seems great to do things just on auto-pilot. But its also mean I would end up working really ineffectively. Now, although working slow isn't a crime, it does bother me a far bit when I realize how things can be done better if I slow down, or spent time to study and take another approach..

I need a clear mind, a time to sit and put my feet up.. Clear my head, organize my priorities and make certain key decisions. It'll be great if I can do that sensibly and soon.

I'm feeling soft, or maybe just burnt out. I know there is still alot that I can offer, but its way below my best.. I visited all 23 libraries on a Saturday afternoon. It wasn't a fun thing to do, to say the least.

I need to run back to you, Lord. I need to fall on my face and be refreshed in you.

Monday is around the corner.

2007-05-25T00:25:00.000+08:00

Blogging on a Vista

Hi ... this marks my first entry using the new Acer Vista.. But I still love my Mac.

Nothing personally against the Vista, but today's entry will be..

Things that have been bugging me..(I know moaning is a sin. So I shall try to spin it positively)

1. Not performing to the standards I set for myself -> Be it sports or work, producing an output that is weak, generally ruins my day. Whether I show or not, is another matter. I don’t believe in lowering standards when its achievable. Its how badly do I want it.

2. Seeing or being taking advantage off and for the person being proud of it -> There are scums out there who intentionally misplaces the generosity of someone else's as being weak or a doormat. That rubs me the wrong way bad. To cap it all off, I know of people who can even shameless rub their nose into it!

3. Being ineffective in work.-> The last few days, I've been doing my tasks like a head-less chicken. I go around my business getting it done, with such a tight time-line, I'm not even sitting down, disciplining myself to think through carefully beside what do I need to achieve, how can I produce quality. At the end of the day review, the room for improvement is enormous. As you can tell, I'm not very pleased with my work contribution thus far.

4. Being sick when I need to be working full-steam ahead.-> It seems like a good reminder from above, that I should take care of my health, irregardless of my schedule, but alas, that's something I've yet to master. Doesn't help that I've been sick for the last 3 weeks, and its been the busiest 3 weeks ever!

5. Things beyond my control that will break down at its most crucial-> I've been most blessed to be safe and protected from any motor-accidents. Despite several close-calls, God's hand whenever I drove has been saving my life. However, I won't be able to say that in the same breathe for my technical work last weekend. It was a catalogue of problems that was frustrating to say the least. Long story short, it would have been easier to say what didn't go wrong technically then what went right. Thank Goodness, we had enough hands on deck to ensure there was something decent to put forth.

6. .....letting in 6 goals on my first game back in a competitive match… and we didn’t even play that badly.

7. Effort sowed, that does not sow the desired results.-> Its a major challenge. I have a love-hate relationship with things that yield high risk gains. My first full-time project was postponed. The second project is an all new market segment and I’m working with a time-line of 3 weeks of marketing to garner 1,000 people to attend. Take about a challenge. It has been a sharp test and not the most encouraging weeks. Keeping the event in prayer, waiting for a miracle. I've told myself that I need to remain cool and not panic. I've to have some trust. If the event succeeds, its not by my strength. Not even close.

Sheesh. My first entry on Vista, and I’m committing sin.

2007-05-13T21:15:00.000+08:00

The World of Sports

Its been a topsy turvy sports month.. Beside being my main form of exercise and recreation, the realm of sports with its influence in my life should never be played down...

It started off earlier in the month with a mini cheer when my beloved Man Utd won 3-2 against my fave Italian team, AC Milan. That weekend was even better, a fight back from the Red Devils put them in control of their destiny in the league title. Naturally it became a great week for me..
How fast the world came falling down, when I witness Utd being totally outclassed days later at 4am. It didn't help that the working day to follow was a rush of milestones to be reached. All this while, my beloved Huston Rockets were attempting to get past the Utah Jazz.. Sigh, even with a 2-0 lead, somehow the Rockets lost in Game 7. The vital game that the Rockets had worked so hard all season to get home court advantage and blew it. Sigh a T-mac and YAO combination came to nought :(

The only relieve came only in the form of Utd finally securing the league title over the following weekend. That weekend also marked the start of the soccer church league. I was proud of the efforts by the guys that played, but its always a major disappointment to lose a match through 2 penalties.

I sat on the bench throughout. Trust me, I was so pre-occupied lifting the spirits of others that I was conscious not to show my disappointment. My natural poisitions would have me playing either as a 'keeper or a forward. To lose by a singular goal and with all the chances, I do feel a personal sense of disappointment not given a chance to win the game.

This week that is coming to an end... another closely-fought battle only resulted in a painful 2-1 defeat. I guess enough said.

As a striker, I want to get down the pitch and score, but I guess when I'm also paying the price for being able to play in both positions. I'm quite sure I'm one of the first into the team list but I end up being on the tail-end of the picking order. Does it suck to be sitting on the bench? Do I get frustrated being over-looked regularly?

Of course it does! Despite generally exhibiting a cool demeanour when I don't play, it doesn't mean I don't wish to enter the field or I play without passion. But I guess, with so many hot-headed players to calm down, I've gotten my hands full.

But why do I persist? Well, I won't deny that sports brings out a competitive nature in me. A passion to perform at my best. But taking part in a variety of sports has taught me tremendously lessons in life. Perseverance, belief, confidence, focus, being composed ... All these parts of my life would have been weaker without being involved in sports, training and competitions.

The World of Sports. It ain't that simple.

2007-05-03T22:46:00.000+08:00

What I've been up to..

I'm not sure if anyone cares to read about this, but since I'm feeling "zonk", I'll just exercise this opportunity to inflate my ego and believe that there are busy, world-changing, loving people who actually do drop in here occasionally to to catch up on the story of my life..

Life has been speeding by me the last couple of days.

To make this entry more pleasing to the eye, allow me to list the updates in point form.

1. To my utter horror, I realize my muscles have been developing 5 inches below the target spot. I wanted to develop stronger chest muscles, I ended up with a little pouch.. Sheesh.

2. I spent another wad of cash on new pair of soccer boots, (new season coming up!) a pair of new specs (makes me look nerdy, but that is in fashion right??). Feeling utterly guilty. But then again, they were legitimate replacement purchases.

3. The family vacation is finally on!. After years of waiting, I'm finally going for a holiday and not thinking about work or national security. Not sure if a trip overseas with the family will be the most relaxing, but hey, even though I gotta pay for airfare, at least I get free accommodation. Gotta be grateful.

4.I'm enjoying my work in Halogen Foundation.Its been a crazy, fun filled, never dull month working full time with a cause that is close to my heart. Just received a bigger portfolio to work on. Its kinda flattering to have the confidence in your work, when I feel I've still be trying to find my feet around the office.

5. I didn't fall in love. Now, you might wonder why did I put this point down, since its not exactly news worthy. But to me, not falling in love is an achievement. The last couple of weeks, I've reflected on my 'dating life'. There were a couple of possibilities, and several, erm.. close calls. But thru the grace of God, a spanner or two (figuratively) were thrown in before the possible (disastrous) relationship could actually take place. But nothing happened. Looking it back, I see God's hand in it. The best lesson I've learn thus far is this; Love is a choice. Love is also a source of violate energy. Therefore, although there might be intense mutual attraction, falling in love with a person is a choice and I should not rush into it or falling in love with the ideology of love.

I guess the best circumstance to fall in love is when two individuals are comfortable
with one another and can be themselves; accepting each other's past and having each other in mind; plotting a future together with God in the center of their lives.

6. I've been feeling lethargic and under the weather. Silly of me to attempt to be aggressive in tennis on May day when I was struggling to catch up. For my effort, I slipped, and swung my racket right smack into my face. End result. Bleeding gum and a slightly swollen lip.

7. Looking forward to Spiderman 3. Its been a long while since I went for a mass movie outing. Keeping my fingers crossed it'll be enjoyable.

-

2007-04-15T23:49:00.000+08:00

Just another weekend

The weekend can sometimes just blow by so quickly, that I feel I've not had much of a rest in the first place.
Hmm, this weekend of mine was action packed to say the least.

It started off on a Friday night with a round of nice drinks and chit-chat with old friends, till we were ushered out of the Marina Mandarin's hotel lounge. And that is a first for me.
My plans to sleep thru mid-Saturday afternoon were taken away by my dearest mum. She woke me up to have coffee and visit IKEA with her; but I was feeling lazy, and it took me the grandest of 2 hours to wash up and got ready. By the time we were at IKEA, it was past lunch time, therefore the queue was significantly shorter.. and that was good news..

The evening was a brief work-out. It was the first time I open 2 cans of 'gas' tennis balls with my dear tennis kakis (buddies) and I'm sure they had a ball of time. Like any other part of my tennis game; if I had decent contact, follow-thru properly on my strokes (esp my serves), I get an easy return shot, or an "ace" but then again, I double-fault too often trying to get my serve in properly or hit my strokes with more heft.

Sunday was a good Sabbath. It was pretty adapt for me to be reminded about living a surrendered life in service. Besides church service, it was nice to bring a new cell member for soccer. I'm glad that he seems to be adapting well. To see his face lit up when he finally got onto the field and playing his heart out was the highlight of the match for me. And for the record, I played in goal again. This time around, at least I had a clean sheet till I substituted myself to rest .. final score of the game was 1-1. Not too shabby I must say.

Finally dinner on Sunday was an early celebration of my mum's 52. We had German food :D Of course, German beer was thoroughly enjoyed; unfortunately, our short trip to the nearby cheesecake cafe was fruitless as the cafe was packed even on a late Sunday night..

Yup. That's my weekend. Geez, now I'm back on my desk, preparing for my week ahead. Keeping my fingers crossed and praying for favour among many other things; for my sister's application.

2007-04-13T18:05:00.000+08:00

Personality Test.

Sharing 1 hr worth about Life after 'O' levels with the ACS boys wasn't enough for me. Although it didn't get off to the best start, but towards the end, I left them wanting for me. And to me, that has achieved what I wanted in the first place.

I wanted my youth to find out more about themselves, to start taking the ownership and plot their life journey.

Well, all talk and no action eh?

I'm a strong believer that we should always work to the best of our ability and in our God-given design. Therefore to encourage you my reader, I'm sharing with you my job personality test results .. don't mock me.

------------------------Part One from Tickle--------------
Shane, the right jobs for you would allow you to be Strategic and Creative

With your skills, you could be earning up to $200,000 per year. Find out which jobs match these skills in your personalized Right Job Report.
As a Strategic type, you want to be able to express yourself and your ideas through work. Sure there's a time and place for rules and procedures, but when a good thought strikes you, you don't want it to be boxed into one way of thinking. You're willing to go outside the rules if there's a chance that the risk will reap big rewards.

You are stronger than most when it comes to generating ideas. And because of this, it might sometimes feel easier to take on all aspects of a job yourself instead of wasting time explaining it to someone else who might not "get it" like you do. But because you have so many ideas and are willing to take on so much, you might find that you sometimes have trouble finishing every project you start.

Your diplomacy and adaptability make you a valuable asset. But your need to feel invested in a company that allows you to express your original ways of thinking will ultimately impact how happy you are in the workplace.

2007-04-07T23:13:00.000+08:00

An Ode to princess

You are one in millions,

even in my wildest dream ,

I wouldn't have envision the circumstances of our meetings.

My heart starts to race with a rapid beat,

as I recall the conversations we shared,

our perspectives, experiences and plans.

You were the toast of every crowd,

everyone wanted more of you,

but you chose to spend the most time with me.

With each passing day,

I found myself getting irresistible drawn to you,

would the feeling be mutual I wondered.

I ain't looking for a relationship,

nor even some fantasy friendship;

Just gonna bask in the bliss of what I have.

As we departed for our separate paths,

with the uncertainty that lies ahead;

One thing is for sure.. I'll never be the same again

2007-04-04T12:36:00.000+08:00

The Unofficial Report: ASEAN Youth Leadership Development Programme 2007

Spending 1 week at Port Dickson, being the sole Singapore representative for the ASEAN Youth Leadership Development Programme was a an eye-opener for me. Nope, I wasn't new to Malaysia, its culture or even the cuisine served. Even the long bus rides throughout the country were expected of.

But I wasn't feeling very confident when I boarded the plane to KLIA. The last couple of years, I had grown accustomed to be the background worker, the nitty-gritty guy, the one who does all the unglamorous work; now being thrust back into the spotlight after years of hiding in a cave. And I was going to be all alone.

Nearly every delegate from the different ASEAN country was an official, with years of public service and political experience. And me? Well, I’m a history buff & an active volunteer & worker for the Halogen Foundation (aka Young Leaders) for years now, but I was only from an NGO. Each country official I met, was curious of my background, why there weren’t any Singapore official for this programme etc etc.. Sheesh, not the greatest of starts I tell you.

It came across my mind, to just be shy and hide away. I was after all, from the smallest country, with the least agenda. It would have been easy to blend in and remain anonymous. But I had my objectives. I was there to network and make friends. Somewhere along the way, I hoped to have a good time.

Boy! was my prayer answered.

I won’t say I had a ball of a time, cause there were instances of nuisance (such as no internet connection for the whole trip!), but for all my pre-departure objectives, it was met. Even my silent social wishes were answered in a manner that I knew clearly that God was getting personally involved.

The programme started on a SUNDAY!!! Sabbath day. I never expected to hit off with the different officials well. They were a myriad of personalities. But everyone there had a strong will and incredible insights. We all started very formally, the exchanging of name-cards and friendly banter. Even the conference layout was very formal, with microphones at each country place and the 9 ASEAN delegates being seat according to alphabetical order via formal negotiation style. The ICE was really deeply-frozen. And that became the perfect platform for me to make a variety of Singapore jokes.

By the end of the whole programme (which lasted 7 days!), most of the delegates were looking forward to see me again in Singapore when they meet for another round of formal meetings. Talk about a quick transformation! Within days, they spoke to me and we had great conversations on the different challenges our countries faced. A few delegates even teased me and challenged me to be more active in the local Singapore political scene and run for office. That was a pretty cool compliment for me.

Back in Singapore, I wondered what changed. Initially, a fellow delegate once shared with me that he kinda expected a rather bland Singaporean at the programme. Maybe they loved the fact that I was more spontaneous and as what official said, I was funnier and more insightful in my sharing than previous Singapore delegates. What a nice compliment eh?? But yeah, the most common gripe that had of me... The speed of my speeches.

Yup. I talked too fast. Even though I tried to intentionally slow down. I have to learn to put more pit-stops between each word, not just sentences anymore. So if I’m serious about running for public office, then I gotta work a lot harder on my speech and conversational presentation.

Yup, there were a lot of beautiful memories of the trip. The most beautiful were never captured on film. Cheezy uh.. I wonder if I should even blog about it..

2007-03-22T01:41:00.000+08:00

Gotta Re-learn new things

its really amazing at times, that after whole rounds of incidents that I'm back at learning the most basic things with regards to faith.

Its always the simple issues that God sometimes uses to remind us of how things can be so wonderfully simple, yet with our disbelief, we can all make things so much harder for ourselves.

the first lesson I've been reminded of ....."Its wiser to earnestly pray before taking action; then to take action and start praying for your way to bear fruit."

Too often, I make one of those, prayers, "if its your will, I'll claim this upon your name." And before I even receive wise counsel, I find myself consciously or unconsciously taking steps to venture forward in the items I've prayed for.

While its important to take the leap of faith when we are tasked with things to fulfil, sometimes its so much the wiser to take the step slower, and pray through things first before we realize that we've already pre-decided what are the actions to take before the actual praying takes place.

The second, has been a gentle surprise to me. That God, the almighty, the omnipotent powerful universal father knows of my concerns before I even plead them. He is actively participating in my life, and is so concern in my life, that he wrestles with me on the very things that are close to my heart.

Be in finances, for he disciplines me to be wise in my investments; in my relationships, he wants me to let go and let him take control and this week, he has send so many people to tell me, that my God, is Emmanuel and Jehovah-jireh.

He provides for me. Even for my relational needs and have been calling out to me to pray to him ; trust in him to provide for me in a life partner.

Although in my head and soul I knew God can provide, but I'm too caught up with making the 'right moves' and being the right person that I've lost the focus with regards to having faith of God's providence. In the last few weeks, God is reminding me that, my faith has been too minuscule.
When God provides, it will be at the perfect timing of my life. If only I trust him, as I trust him with my life.

Amazing. the god of the universal wants to be my match-maker.

2007-03-16T18:02:00.000+08:00

Its been 2 weeks
since that fateful day when I finally asked what's wrong with this particular friendship that had been the centre of my focus for sometime.

For 2 weeks, I've been wondering, and even during my quiet time and through reflection, I sat there wondering, and praying constantly, Lord, what have I done again to have broken something that you've blessed me with?

Sigh. It hurts.

I feel like a terrible steward of God's intangible gifts in my life. I am troubled coz I've been poor in defending the interest and protecting my fellow sisters in Christ.

I used to believe that only the boyfriends or partners of a lady would need the security of a male. But recently, through my time with God and reflection, I realize how wrong I've been.

I need to learn to defend the interest of my sisters in Christ. I gotta help reduce the confusion, pray with them and be even more sincere and open in my affection to them. Besides not just having the right intentions, I gotta be more careful to have the right follow-up so that no matter what happens, it will not be just the right thing to do, but the most delightful thing I can do for the sister.

What does it mean in measurable terms?

Simply, I gotta position myself in the manner that I won't just look after my own interest but instead, I gotta be the protector of my sister, love her as my own and most importantly help her love God more each day and not draw her away from him.

It took me two weeks to learn all these. Whether I can a chance to reconcile that relationship is another story altogether.

2007-03-07T23:49:00.000+08:00

The Investment of diminishing returns that hurts beyond yar wallet!

Sitting on the late train back home after a fruitful meeting; on board the MRT,
I'm wondering why sometimes in life how relationships between friends, love ones and kinships are often related with diminishing returns..

I had my fair share of great relationships and well, ones that would fall under the poor return of investment category.

Kinship to me, is the always going to be first and foremost the closest to my heart. An due to the nature of relationship being the closest to our hearts, it is becomes the most sensitive. Even through my extend family, I see the grimly returns of investments that the elder receives, reaping diminishing returns for their earlier investment in their child they love so dearly.
I count myself blessed that despite the occasional downs, the relationships I share with my immediate family has generally been loving and of great comfort. Despite the fact that it can be pretty laborious to maintain and build stronger bonds amongst family members; its already a blessing to be in a family that has generally avoid a diminishing return when it comes to kinship.

When it comes to friendship, I'm much more sceptical. From a young age, I realized that I never had a problem meeting new people and getting to know them. However, after a while, you realize its near impossible to have any form of depth in those friendships if your list of friends were easily in the hundreds. Learning to be prudent and calculative with the investment of time and efforts with friends have been placed me on a pretty challenging learning curve.
Recently, I must admit that when I took stock of the return of investments in my friendships, with a few exceptions, my performance were poor. Only a handful of friends are still in direct contact with me, and I hope most do get a pretty picture of my life. Sadly, its with recent observation, that I become more aware how often I become a doormat to 'friends' or taken advantage of for being available to their needs only at their convenience.
And that really means that I'm left with only a couple of healthy friendships with others.

Somehow it seems that the more I invest in certain relationships, the more it is destined to failure.

So where do I go from here? Hmm, I really am a little lost on this.
One of the best ways is to have no expectations when it comes to relationships. But try as I might.. It is a hell of a struggle not to wonder, not to care, not have a hope that this relationship that you're investing could be one that will a life-long one.

During this time of writing and reflection, I'm drawn to the parallels of how our Father, our creator, the lover of our hearts feels the same; the conflicted pain that I'm going through. Well, he gets it worst than me for sure. Surely, he knew about the oblivious diminishing returns that plagues the relationships that we face. He understands the heartache when we invest more of our love and get hurt in the end. What more about his perfect love for us, and our subsequent denial of him.

Could our father allow all of this to happen to us, to let us experience and draw us closer to him.. To understand his nature even more?

I know it does for me.

2007-03-05T22:45:00.000+08:00

In pursuit of happiness.

Early this morning, I had several incidents that took away the winds of my sail ..
Since someone today did mention that my blog is kind of boring coz I keep talking about romance & relationships, let me set sail on a different topic and talk about the pursuit of happiness.

1 thing I've learnt over the last few years is that the pursuit of happiness for each individual is a journey of self-discovery.. a pain-staking challenge to know what each individual values in life and what is worth investing in.

Happiness, is an individual's responsibility. Not your signifcant others, or even your family members.

You may be a victim of circumstances, or happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, but you still have one absolute. And that is you've the choice to decide how you respond to the situation. I'm not saying that there is always goanna be a decision that will make you happy, but there is always the decision to make it less painful.
The pursuit of happiness isn't just about being happy, but also making a journey of self-discovery and gain ownership of your own life. No one is after all going to be fully able to experience for another person the extreme highs and deepest low that comes with each relationship.

In this same manner, it is often common to find ourselves blaming others for causing us pain, and seek them to be responsible to do corrective action. But honestly, if we reflect it carefully, we gotta be responsible that we ourselves first allowed ourselves to be in a position to be hurt.

Therefore, what I'm advocating is simply this.. Your own happiness is your responsibility. (the repeat is of course for the emphasis)
Each one of us have this gift to make someone happier, to make someone's day or ruin it completely; but you're going to be really naive and sound like a spoilt brat if you starting believing or accusing every Tom, Dick and Harry for causing you all the pain in your life. Yes, they might have been responsible to land you in the miserable stage you're in.
A pastor once advised me simply, the person might have a part of the blame, but to simply blame them for it is pointless, when they won't be feeling your pain and misery. You can blame someone to a limit, but one must look at himself/herself and starting taking ownership and move ahead with his / her pursuit of happiness.

Happiness doesn't hinge on someone, neither does pain. It starts from the inside of each individual.

And applying what I'm writing, I'm goanna let what has happened today be passing wind, and not let it sway me from my pursue of happiness.
Just remember I may always attempt to be a nice guy, but don't push it. Vengeance after all is best served cold.

2007-02-28T00:41:00.000+08:00

What's up with the logic of love?

everyone loves a good love quote.. how about these to start off the topic

"Love is like swallowing hot chocolate before it has cooled off. It takes you by surprise at first, but keeps you warm for a long time."
Source Unknown
Submitted by Krystal Esplin

"Love is a precious gift that you receive, and you need to give it with caution!"

.....something to give us a stronger reality check

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is battle, love is war, love is growing up."

" love forgives all mistakes and gives you new strength to face the day.."- shane

For the last couple of years, I fear falling in love again. That is until I met someone who fears it more than I do.. Well, the source of my fear is the simple distaste I've when you're out of love.

I'll be first to declare that I lack the faith and guts to explore possible relationship paths. Therefore I don't pick up anybody, attempt to make an impression to anyone, and yeah I do the most turn-off things such as talk about past relationships on first dates, and drag on ambigously with people waiting for me to decide if I'm interested in the first place.

I may be willingly to give 90% of effort to make an attempt to work things out, but I'm just as quick at pulling the plug when I think it won't work or I lost the confidence in making things work.

Looking back at my journals, it originated when my confidence was totally shaken; falling out of love in the first place, therefore the possibility of this vicious cycle happening again is a realistic bet.

These days, I amused myself when I openly invite friends to introduce me people to meet. Of course, this lowers my 'attractiveness' ~ (after all the most attractive person is the person you can't have, and when you're taken by someone.. you've the quality assurance that you are of good standing..) But its all part of my process to be comfortable with people again.

These days love to me is still associated with risk, with heartache, wonderful memories coupled with deep angst.
I've created a safety harness of over-working, under committing, being an asshole to every lady who could remotely be interested in me, and of course the best part is me just shooting myself in the foot with every possible relationship.

Maybe I'm just waiting for the day for me to have the courage to take off the safety harness and leave my cave..or a lady who would possess the ability to make me run out of my cave faster than I can say "hippoo.....mus"

Slowly but surely, the unrest in staying this cave is getting stronger. The disgust at myself for clinging onto the harness of being just a good guy to everyone is starting to annoy me more and more. oh yeah, in the background... I'm reminded of my mum's hope for the years ahead..

perhaps love is...just a crazy thing.. mixed with dose of empowerment..

friends, as I strife for the capacity to love again.. may I also pray that love be with you.

2007-02-21T23:23:00.000+08:00

Chinese New Year & Pet Peeves

CNY came and gone in a wink of an eye..
For some, it was a good time to get some rest, buy new clothes, introduce someone special to your love ones and the all important reunion of friends and long - separated relatives ; all held over the tables for steamboat, herbal soups, majong, and other forms of recreational table games.

CNY for me this year was a little ... mood-less for me.
Maybe because on the lead up to it, so many things have happened, that I'm feeling extra dry when it came to the festivities. For the whole CNY, I had only 1 new shirt to wear on the first day. In the next couple of weeks, I would be embarking on a new challenge career wise, and still trying to balance my accounts to ensure that I have something decent left after years of working on your own; not earning enough to have decent savings.

but before I start the ramblings of my grouses, I would like to attempt to give thanks first for my circumstances, acknowledging the rich blessings that I've now.

One, is the position to be able to bless others. Financially or physically, although not in great measure, at least I'm still able to contribute a little, and that already makes me blessed. I remember and scribed to Aargon's philosophy of "I give hope to others, but keep none for myself.." These very words have inspired me not because I'm a hero wannabe but those words strikes a cord in my heart to do the same for my fellow peers. After all, I'm entrusting that my father in heaven would know and meet my every need in the first place.

two. the relationships that have grown over the years. Honestly, with my past leaving behind a scar in my attitude towards relationships, I'm most pessimistic when it comes to building new relationships. Be it, romantic or simply platonic ones. Thus, I've to kinda challenge myself to be open to meet new people.
I'm willingly to go 90% of the way for someone, but its up to the other party to consider making that mere 10% effort to seal the deal. The litmus test though is for me to shake off this chain of "I'm not good enough for this person / someone else can make this person happier than me.." blah blah.. Platonic relationships are much simpler for me, as the majority of the time, I'm out as entertaining and being obliging to others, hoping and wishing that if anyone ever asks me, who inspires me, I would reply Jesus Christ.
Nope, I don't really have much friends in all honesty. Most people would come through my life for a season, and move on..only 2 people have so far travelled the course of life with me through ups and down, and neither one have given their life to Jesus Christ. That's the extent of my failure to be a salt and light of the world..

Pet Peeves
Without elaborating, there are few pet peeves that have gotten on my nerves even more the last couple of days. So in no order of magnitude
1. taking people for granted (I'm not only talking about saying your thank you half-heartily)
2. disrespecting elders/others
3. being stingy with your blessings
4. thought-less-ness
5. stirring up troubles / looking for conflict amongst others
6. hypocritical actions
7. ego-centric actions and behaviours
8. a lack of holiday to rest and be inspired.

Yup, I'm stopping myself at eight. The auspicious number. Well, this CNY, hasn't been a joy ride. With my cousin registering his marriage (great news for the family!) I'm feeling the 'latent' heat when my mum starts mumbling under her breathe about being a grandmother before the age of 60 to everyone when she does the 'lao yu seng'. That leaves me 5 years more to go. Doesn't help that I've not contributed to CPF in the last 5 years..
Maybe my next holiday has to be more purposeful. After all, its been close to 4 years since I had one.

Sigh..

2007-02-16T18:32:00.000+08:00

Why you should never plan surprises

As the last few weeks have been kinda busy and all, esp with the CNY preparation...
V-day came and went off just as quickly.. (I was stuck in traffic for over an hour, but at least it was with someone I wanted to spend that time with..)
Therefore, today, I wanted to plan a little surprise for this particular fine lady who possess the ability to make my day by her mere presence.
I wanted to cheer her up, and help her ring in the festive mood since she's has been working over-time for the longest of time..
So there I was happily planning and making the arrangements.
She asked "What's the plan", and I gave her a sketchy one to ease her appetite.. She still seemed interested..
I even check with her till the very last detail, "when shall we meet.."
But alas, maybe it was my persistence, in the end she simply sent as sms that wrote this heartbreaking words," you do your own thing, and...."
I tried to make her change her mind, but she decided that she wasn't going anywhere.

I'm still in shock.
But all the reservation and plans have been scraped. I mean she has her reasons, (which are still unknown to me)... and they could be very legit, and I'll feel like a fool if I allow this to become a storm in the a teacup..

Morale of the story, never plan for a surprise unless you expect one for yourself too.

2007-02-11T01:38:00.000+08:00

Spending the evening with Dad & Mum..

how often does a 23 year spend an evening alone with dad & mum on a saturday night evening? Esp when you're part of a bigger brood of 4 siblings and often the least attention catching one..

So it was kinda different, having the chance to go around looking for some buffet as my parents had the craving and finally after 2 hours, we finally settle for Oscars @ the Conrad Centennial. Seafood was decent, I had lobsters, prawns, salmon etc etc..
They served decent waffles and a nice pot of tea to end the meal ..

towards the end of the meal, it was time for my parents (esp my mum) to ask me questions regarding my plans in the next few years, how I'm going to juggle between school work and building a career, what paths I'm taking etc...

Well, the funniest comment I hear from my mum, is her growing concern if she could be a grandmother before she is 60.. well, that's 5 more years to go ... but telling that to a single guy like me, I'm like.. okay, first I need to make more female friends, then I need to mask (re-invent) myself more.. and be attractive enuff ... etc etc.. I seriously doubt I can reach my mum's date-line..

Too much stress won't induce a baby or even finding a spouse candidate anytime soon right??

And they say mother knows best.. Oh well, that's for my mum and my heavenly father to plan for me.. I'm still learning to be more 'cool' in relationships..

Speaking of which, I still get the occasional questions, "isn't it funny/difficult to see your ex in church week in, week out..?"
Well, honestly its not like all nice and dandy, but seriously, I'm glad that I do see her from afar once in a while. She has moved on, dated other people, after a period of time, you don't really bother so much. Instead, I'm really glad that most of all, she's still coming to God's temple and worshipping him. There's one being that can love her and cherish her better than me, and all her suitors.. and that is God himself. Therefore, I'm most encourage to see her in church more than anything else. After all, we have hardly exchange even a word/smile for close to 2 years. So its not as if we act as if nothing happens, but I think we're both learning to be cool about it. What affection left behind for me is clearly of kinship affections, and I see her as a sister in Christ that should be love appropriately.

I'm confident that the Lord will continue to uphold and encourage people who like me have struggled with the very foundation of our faith because we were broken in the first place by the circumstances that God allows to happen. Going through all that, I've come to appreciate the complexity and dynamics of relationships in a more intimate manner that I would never have experience it if I wasn't broken by circumstances.

Indeed, going through life's challengers seems impossible with our own strength and might; but there's a little more hope than we can cling onto..

That is, the Lord is the same today, yesterday and forever more. And this same God, loves you more than anyone else could ever love you.

2007-02-08T00:07:00.000+08:00

Breaking thru frustration with thanks-giving..

I'm having one of those days that I feel I could apply for a change of name to Murphy.
Nothing seems to have gone smoothly, not my career, my relationships with close friends aren't in a healthy state, and even the simple things such as missing two traffic turns daily ... shows that I'm losing my edge.. sharpness seems to have left me; or a major distraction looms above me.

The most wonderful thing that had happened to me so far, was the opportunity to watch the movie "Happy Birthday" with someone close to my heart. That evening was enjoyable and special, but the day leading up to it was a mess of things...

I was aiming to go to west coast road, I ended up at jurong east, had to do a major a re-route to get back there!!! Meetings get re-arranged so often, that I end up being lost when and where for which meeting !!! sigh..
even the lunches that I'm having, seems to taste a little "off"

But just tonight, there was this brief moment to reflect, amidst my drink and the idle chatter of my close friends @ 1 rochester..

through all the mess, muddles and crap that seems to be 'over-whelming' me, gradually I had lost the simple gift of thanks-giving & appreciation.

I've been blessed to be have an automobile to drive around, to send my friends back to their residences.. (so what if the car needs a major car-wash)
I've been blessed to have the resources to afford birthday gifts for friends and little special tokens and meals for those close to my heart without worrying where the next meal will come from.. (although I''ve a seriously depressed bank account)

and list goes on.. and on..

I realize that sometimes, we find ourselves trapped in these horrible days, due to our mindsets.. maybe even lust. In this broad definition, I consider lust as wanting something beneficial to happen instantly. But how often in life, these become the very trapping of our lives..
Although I reminded often that I'm a child of God, and favour is upon me, I've to constantly remind myself that its not because of who I'm that deserves the favour, but WHO's I belong to that has bestowed the favour. Once I drift away from God, how can I still expected the same favour to be upon me?
Why can't I submit myself and let all the rough patches become training grounds in the moulding of my characters?

Yes, giving thanks has helped me break through the strong-hold of being 'sian' (frustration)

Wise men saying, "what can't break you will make u stronger.." but don't forget that all it takes is enough rubbish in your life, to become rubbish.

Let focus on something more crucial: To Glory be the glory forever.

2007-02-03T16:45:00.000+08:00

You and me
by lifehouse

What day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

'Cause its you and me and all of the people
Nothing to do, nothing to lose and its
you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

'Cause its you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do nothing to prove
and its you and me and all of the people and
I don't why I can't keep my eyes off you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
everything she does is beautiful
everything she does is right

'Cause its you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do nothing to lose and
its you and me and all of the people and
I dunno why I can't keep my eyes off of you

and me and all of the people
with nothing to do nothin to prove and
its you and me and all of the people and
I don't why I can't keep my eyes off of you

what day is it
And in what month
this clock never seemed so alive

------------------------
somethings are best kept to ourselves.
Therefore because I realize that I truly care for you, its better to do what's right and best; afterall love is a gamble...
and I rather take the safer route with you..
cause your friendship means more to me than anything else.

2007-01-29T17:01:00.000+08:00

Going past break-ups & "issues"

First cut is always the deepest isn't it?
For many of us who can still remember the experience of going through the first break-up, its pain, the shock and agony of picking up the pieces that makes things such a big impression on our lives..
Of course, like falling down, after a while, you will recover better, learn to make more precautions but then again; like a vase being put back together, cracks will exist.

but that isn't the topic of today's entry.. instead I rather focus on the fact that when you've reached my age, 23 and counting, you start to realize that besides all the perceived~ fantastic people (those that you wish were your partners BUT already belong to someone else), there will be that one person; the one bright light amongst the darkness that will set things apart.

Then you wonder aloud, if that person is so wonderful, how come still single??? Doesn't that ever cross your mind? It does to me.

Everyone has a past. Some of us have a little history that we wished we could burn off and bury it into the deepest trench of the world, but even if we did; something the cracks would be still apparent. These cracks are often called "ISSUES"

Even if the very person who has never experience the heartache or scars of relationships might have some 'issues'.. Do we only accept a person when his/her issues are settled; since in reality that everyone would have a couple of them..

The common issues include, a lingering emotion for a past lover, un forgiveness, fear of betrayal , etc etc..

What then are we to do?

well, someone told me if you're really interested in the person, then be prepared to walk that journey of unwinding issues with the person you care for. How true and wise the words are.

of course some issues, you just have to sit & wait for the person to resolve them on their own. Sometimes if you're given the chance, you will be the companion and be bedrock for that person to unravel the knots in life.

On the flip side, we too are also riddled with our own issues. Should we share them to someone special and risked being judged, ridiculed or feel damn uncomfortable for months with regards to it??

So often, I feel that a lot of these issues are difficult to confront on their own. But they still need to be address in the long term for a healthy relationship.. after all conflict management between two people is easily one of the vital keys that can make or break relationships.

At the end of the day, we all got to evaluate if its worthwhile personally to invest your energy and resources to walk with that person.
Just in the same way, as we all struggle with our own issues, one day we gotta ask if we want to share them with our loved ones and let them help us through.

I want to try. To try not just be willingly to bear the burden's of someone else but also let her be able to help me too.

2007-01-26T17:34:00.000+08:00

updates coming soon

2007-01-18T22:58:00.000+08:00

Going thru Flash Floods

a quick point for point summary of my day..
a) met friends for lunch, (the meal itself was terrible)
b) did the deliveries to clients
c) got caught in 2 flash flood areas,( it was no joke driving thru what you can't see!!!)
d) parked in a car-park that was flooded with garbage water
e) by the time I was home, I've become sick to the bone
f) losing strength in my left side (wondering aloud if I can still kick a soccer ball with my left)

my prayer item
I've yet to make specific plans and objectives (such as career) for this year. But recently, career dilemmas have struck me. Its not about corporate climbing, but relationships and all that intertwines itself. Am really unsure what to do. Lord, reveal your plans.

2007-01-11T01:06:00.000+08:00

Top 11 upcoming challenges.

1. not to get any serious injury this up-coming year.
2. not to be too down-hearted, when the days of immobility arrives/ when i screw up
3. complete obedience to the great calling
4. accepting the assurance of love/affection/respect from friends/family
5. pray, trust and have faith for a breakthrough; esp in the providence of finances
6. understand & appreciate, responsibily make full use of the wonderful circumstances of being an agent of influence
7. not shoot myself in the foot in relationships
8. be inspired, believe that 'Eros' is still possible even when my condition worsens
9. continue to impart and grow my love ones to excel and exceed their own expectations
10. not get in the way of God's greater plans for my loved ones and myself
11. fall in love

2007-01-02T15:18:00.000+08:00

Its a New Year..

Hmm, time for new resolutions, a new direction perhaps; or simply carrying on your greater scheme of things in life. Hmm, well, a new year to me is like a turn of the page. It can lead on to greater things, a turn of events; getting closer to the climax of the main plot..

But first, it always a good place to start with thanksgiving first right?

I had a roller-coaster 2006. 1st year of being a full-time entrepreneur, stepping out to date once again, spending more hours volunteering and of course gaining new depths of friends and losing a couple along the process.

But above all things, I'm grateful for God's mercy upon my life. He has kept my family healthy, my friends warm and provided me opportunities to grow and also learn from others. What more can I ask?

Well, I could start with a few actually :)

In 2007, I want to increase living life with a zeal. You only live once, you may only have one opportunity to impact the life of someone, to make someone smile. I would love to be able to continue to be given opportunities to make people smile, to make people feel 'loved' and well, hear their inspiring stories.

I would want to be more confident of who the person I'm from, who I am designed to be and of course fulfil the destiny planned for me from the grand master itself.

Financially, I wish to build my nest; its not a retirement nest, but an emergency nest for the days when my body is no longer as mobile. I am now learning and appreciating the value of investment even more. It'll be awesome not to be just in a position to bless others, but to be able to continue to bless others so that they can be a blessing to others.

Lastly, I prayed for spiritual release of the mental torture that lingers in my head when my body breaks down so very often. Its get more frustrating, more painful; knowing and sensing how my body is breaking down more often, severely limiting my ability to think straight, to hold on to the promise of forever.

Constantly, I've to declare on my lips and crave onto my heart; that despite all the physical pain and emotional anguish I may go through, there's eternity to look forward to.

There's a lot more of my personality and character that needs work in my aspect. And as I look towards eternity, this year would be another year of learning more about myself and the people around me.

Yes, in that aspect 2007, will be new page, a start towards eternity and forever.

2006-12-21T00:18:00.000+08:00

Answering the FAQs

Since its been a time of reunions, catching-up with old friends, I get the usual questions; therefore inspired by a cell-member, I'm going to simple post this Answer to FAQs.

Forgive me if I rant too much on certain topics, or reveal too little in others.

Here goes.

Q: Are you attached?
A: No. Have been single for the 2 years, dated briefly twice in 2006, both came to a conclusion that it is better to be 'friends'.

Q: Why so?
A: I simply self-destruct in relationships. What more romantic ones? I've an innate ability to be too truthful, brutally honest, and constantly evaluating myself if I'm suitable for the person I'm seeing. Therefore, I find myself grossly inadequate to be suitable for the person. I'm neither strong, dashing, affluence, worst of all; I am declining in terms of 'market value'

Q: Isn't that a reflection of low self-esteem?
A: Yes. I believe so. Everyone has baggage, and when you usually accept people into your life, you take the package deal. Within the first few dates, I would usually give my date a glimpse of the baggage that are with me; namely a sever lack of health and a terribly managed time-table.

Q: Why are you allowing yourself to live such a defeated life?
A: Its always a struggle between facing reality and stepping out in faith for me. To be real, it will be a constant struggle for the rest of my days. Truth to be told, my health is declining, although through the grace of God not as bad as the last few years, the emotional and psyche has unfortunately been twisted with the decline of my health. I'm no longer in the physical and now emotional state of health to be a stable support and provide one crucial factor that all the ladies would agree is essential in a relationship-> a sense of security.
Furthermore, I strongly believe that when you love someone, you should also learn to let the person go. To love someone, is to provide choices for the person; irregardless of your own personal interest to keep the person in your arms.
Seriously, who wants to be with a living 'cripple' and what the insurance industry terms as a time-bomb. Why would you invest anything more than friendship with someone like that?

Q: Are you serious ?
A: In this day and age, we no longer talk about honour, privilege and respect in the same gravity of our forefathers. Each individual soul is greatly important. I personally am not able to live with myself to be the wrong person at the wrong timing for someone; clogging her growth; even though I may be attractive or personally very interested in the individual. This principal not only regulates how I believe the courtship issues should be handled, but extends to my general principal for all other relationships. And this is the main reasons why I've let down my dates.

Q: So you self-destruct in dates?
A: Funny how I use to coach younger males how to date; keep their dates interested. Well, my own practical example were good in the younger days. These days, I tend to give my dates a horrid first date; and better dates when there are 'returns'. I'm constantly reminded to 'keep my charms in the cupboard'

Q: Why do you do so?
A: A close friend gave me a remark that invoke much stronger thoughts. In summary; I give the impression of a confident, driven young chap etc.. but like a coin, there is a flipside of me that is often kept away. Therefore, when someone who is close realizes this, they might be in for a rude shock to say the least.
Therefore, I come to the conclusion that its better to be much more forth-right from the start, and build things progressively better as things develop. That is why I hate the 'good/ nice guy tag'

Q: Why hate the compliment?
A: 7 out 10 ladies would find a 'good guy' attractive. The ratio of being attracted to a 'good guy' is something like 2 out of 10.. at this age of 21-29.
What irks me most, is that being a good guy is like a mask of the seriousness of my health issues; a good calling card, but a horrible reputation to even keep up with.
Lastly, I find being the 'good guy' as an obstacle of my personal desire to be a testimony of God's love and grace. I'm extremely uncomfortable to be labelled as good; when I know I've thoughts that are no where near holy. Being a 'good guy' has masked the wonderful grace of God in my life and God's love for the person. If you do a loving act, people will see it as you being good; when all I want to communicate is God loves you. Its a very different message.

Q: Moving on, where do you see in all these?
A: I've made public jokes and invited my friends to recommend me ladies to befriend. But just the last few days, have made me realize how horrible inept I'm. In the mist of knowing someone, I've done severally dumb things. I've realized that my psyche has been more twisted than I imagine. I think I even have a fear of allowing someone to be interested. Even if there could be a hint of possibility, I would either scare the person off or do something incredibly stupid.
Of course, I would love to be in a mutually loving relationship. But, if that is not meant to be, I will continue to strive to be in the best position to bless others.

..........to be continued.

2006-12-15T01:29:00.000+08:00

Is bad love better than no love at all?

This was a topic of discussion in an uncomfortable seminar I attended a few months back. The scope of the teaching went beyond the psychological, but into the emotional and even biological understanding that why we humans accept bad love better than no love at all.
Today, I find myself wondering why I didn't take down more notes previously.

But is bad "love" really better than no love at all?

of course, "love" in definition here would be affection. Beyond the scope of physical affection, but with the underlying soul & spirit implications involved.

What's bad love? A love that is a temporal affection being inter-twined with lust; stemming from insecurity and the need for physical affection. I think the best explaination of bad love is, "taking love that isn't good enough for you"

Was I shocked when I'm learning that nearly all my dear peers are being struck with this dilemma? Honestly, not at all.

My peers and I are now at a new platform of our lives. We are embarking on our careers, meeting new people, adjusting to new challenges, broadening our horizons and most importantly having our individual values system being scrutinized in microscopic detail.

How can one person claim to be faithful, unless having gone through the temptation of being unfaithful. I think the same theory applies.

Every single value we hold dear, from $ matters, office politics, priorities in relationships and even the issue of sex; are no longer taboo subjects; but things that are being asked of us, one after another. And it won't go away, even if we try to hide away from it. Soon, the issue of mortality comes into play. I pray that I would be a decent testimony when my time is up.

Can we honestly settle for bad love, while waiting for good love to appear?

I think its impossible... Unless you get rid of bad love, how would you know what is good love? Bad love can be so suffocating, so intoxicating, so impulsive and exciting, that we won't let it go for the love that we truly deserve. And how do we live with ourselves, when we finally realized, that bad love isn't good enough anymore, and that we have been a fool, through and through.. sigh.

What is good love? Good love to me, is empowerment. Is strength, is inspiration. Its the kind of of love that would be patient, and respect the individual; place the interest of the person beyond your own desires. Yes, that includes sexual desires.
But, its so darn difficult, isn't it?

Can bad love become good love? I've no idea. I want to believe so, but then again, I have no experience to speak of in this aspect. But then again, I believe that...

"love makes all things possible"

2006-12-11T00:33:00.000+08:00

Playing catch-up

It has been a month odd, since my last entry, and for countless nights, i battled with the urge to pour forth my thoughts on this blog. Because I felt so silly often, with the thoughts of relationships once again .. challenging my personal opinions & values.

but this morning, I'm just goanna stick my head out and write it through .. in hopefully one sitting

after a month hiatus. its pretty hard to start all over again. And with interesting developments happening all around me, it will be impolite for me to share their story online, but as a third party observer.. it leaves an impression on me none-the-less.

In the last couple of weeks, I have heard first hand, how my female friends are challenge with the frustration of men who have challenge them to wonder why..males
a) don't take the first step, b) can't decide to make the second step, c) that have interested them could be gay, d) can't decide if they should end the relationship or not!!

hearing the stories over lunches, made me wonder aloud, are we guys that difficult to understand.. are we so .. indecisive. well.. WE ARE. i think most people are when it comes to relationships.

Relationships ain't like ordering lunch. Most of us, would take on average 5 minutes to order their meals, what more a decision that goes beyond 1 meal and a possible tummy ache?
For those who fret why men, (actually the ladies are guilty just as much) why they take forever to make that move ahead or not, I'm sure your mum can relate with regards to our own urgency with housekeeping in our own rooms. We know we gotta do it, but its only when...Right?

Lets all cut each other some slack. Sure, our biological clock to reproduce is ticking/screaming and maybe our parents are constantly bugging us, "go out and meet new people" we gotta cut out the noise, and simple "STOP!"

Nobody wants to date the 'desperado'.. neither would we be comfortable with the person who gives us the breathing space of a zip-lock bag. Most of us who struggle to make decisions under duress, or being burden with the full knowledge of someone else's expectations .. but then again.. not many of us are blessed with absolute natural patience eh?

Hiyah.. what a dilemma ..when I'm personally interested in someone, I would often find myself striving to understand, know and appreciate the person.. so maybe I'm spending too much effort in a short span of time.. and things happen too fast (although i do many more 'sprinters' than yours truly :P ) Sheesh timing seems like one of those.. things in life that seems wrong either way.

So join me.. not matter what state of a relationship you're are in.. let's all breathe in.. and exhale.. slowly.. (and enjoy your surroundings while you're at it)

done?

next, I want to share with you a simple date theory that could possibly change the manner you approach dates, and weed off those "not-worth my investment" from those "keepers"..

The theory is simple. On your first date, allow yourself to be absolutely horrible. I'm not asking you to be a meanie, but if you're a klutz, then let it naturally happen. If you never wore anything else other than jeans, wear jeans on your first date! Of course just be wiser not to bring her to Newton circle and attempt to impress your date with your ability to handle touts, find a seat among the crowd etc..

Be 100% you.. warts and all. You'll be much more comfortable -> for the ladies, you will have that glow on you instead of the 'suppress' looked..for guys, you won't need to worry about looking bad on future dates. :P

Can you imagine the beauty, when even on your 'horrid' first date, you are able to get a second date.. The excitement and wonderful contentment of being accepted for who you are!! haha.. its such a liberating empowerment.

But I've been advised, that one should also display self-control. So guys, if you struggle with attention and keeping your fingers to yourself, I suggest you avoid the movies until the fourth or fifth date! Ladies, just don't scare him with all your insecurities and how great your ex-bf is.. was.. leave a little space for the guy to show his prowess before bruising his fragile ego ...

Of course for me, that would mean, share the fact of my broken body being held together by the wonderful grace of God.

If you are wondering how my body is holding up.. I have 3 words to describe it.
"absolute painfully crippling"

with that note, here I am wishing all a blessed week ahead.

2006-11-07T00:25:00.000+08:00

Battling on

Soccer season, at least Church wise is drawing to a close..Well, with a strain calf its a good time to let my body rest, but looking back at this year's short soccer season for me, it has been like a fickle of my life in the last few years. There were instances of brilliance, good solid displays and many hours of disappoint and frustration of being left out, or falling way below personal expectations. I play in the forward position, and being so often used as a substitutive or a 'we need 1 more' player has been personally frustrating. Its now a challenge for me to get match sharpness, fitness and most importantly some form of chemistry between me and my team mates.. Urgh! when things seem to get better, my body breaks down. And its a re-boot. Oh well!!

There's a part of me that tells me to give up, sports and all that competitiveness... but I'm not sure if its my ego or a plain desire to find out if I still have gas(energy) in me... I find it hard to let go. I'll never be that someone who is able to sit in front of a PC terminal chalking up hours of game time and feel satisfied. I don't think there's anything that can replace the ad reline of playing against the odds, against challenging environments. In fact, when I look back, its when the odds are against me that I soar and my best comes out..

I think that is going to be the same approach that I should undertake for my relationships. Over the weekend, it was heart-warming to have old friends to recognise you, and genuinely ask how you're. I think I'm like most of us; there is the need to be at least recognised of your presence. But, I'm committing myself that I will learn to take relationships with a pinch of salt, and let nature takes its course. Its like belaying, you gotta give enough 'slack' to have the mobility in the relationship to climb forward, but still 'taugh' enough to feel the security and assurance. So when it comes to romance, well, I gotta work on my own issues and be desirable for that special lady I strive to be suitable for..when the season is ripe.

Life can be such a battle at times, but having gone through the different phases, I must say God's faithfulness have been always there for me. His grace is sufficient for me.

In you my Lord, I'm complete.

2006-10-24T23:44:00.000+08:00

LOOKING BACK

A big thank you to all my cell mates and other close buddies that came to drink a toast for my birthday! Cheers.. It was last minute no doubt, but although many people didn't respond I'm still glad for the warm well-wishes and the cards that came my way.

The story of hosting the wine night, was insipiration from above. I was sitting at TCC, Holland Village Branch, while writing my goals/ visions for the following years to come, I was challenege to take action of the many things that I have challenege myself.

I wanted to be a better witness to my friends who have yet to know Christ as their personal Lord and saviour. I knew too, that I had to get out of my comfort zone of meeting people only in small groups. I had to release my disappointments and allow restoration to come into my life; no longer festering in the prison attitude that I deserve to live a miserable life.

Life post-birthday bash has been alot of communional, thanks to my cousins and their lovely female halves.. To my dear, tennis/pool/beach volleyball buddies..thank you for the badminton shoes too..

But sometimes, good things come with a twist.. Despite all the glorious food that I've been blessed with, my stomach have been giving me problems; no different to stomach wind, maybe except the part of breaking wind often. My american pool practises have all gone downhill once again. Yup, once again I become the weakest link; and for me that can be so erm... difficult to swallow.
Health wise, I've been getting back the usual soreness and pain, recently with some form of head inflammation of sorts, where the pain is on the top of the head, and hurts really bad when you press on it, even gently. Headache, hmmm.. pandol hasn't really help yet. Maybe a higher dosage is required..

Phew, and its been 23 years. The rest of my life awaits...

2006-10-20T01:56:00.000+08:00

Counting my blessings.

Its my annual ritual of the year. Counting my blessings to keep me rooted, and hopefully gain reasonable perspective of what has passed over..and what is to come.

Relationships..
I reflect on my past actions, I realize I'm guilty of having unrealstic expectations and simply at times doing things that are resonable within my standards but are considered too much in other people's opinions = "trying too hard"
Not too long ago, I did something utterly stupid that till this day, bugs me. Well to cut the long story really short, in an utterly bad move, in an attempt to lose my nervousness for a lady, I think I've did the suicidal things.. hence my current motto is.. “you better keep to yourself before you do even more damage.” Haha. I think I'm pretty good at that @ the moment. Scaring those that may have the potential to become firm friends with my bundle of nerves translated to utter stupidity. Maybe I should stop trying even. Alas, I've restricted myself to saying the occasional hello; so as to save some 'face' or at least not become the irate from hell for others.

But I've been so blessed too. Each year, I received a birthday card, most likely the only one that I would receive this year. This particular card would warm my heart and also remind me how I never felt I deserve it. A friendship that last a span of 14 years, above and beyond my other relationships. This dear friend and I hardly exchanged a single word since last Christmas. Purely through God's blessing, that we can still often remember each other. A part of me feels guilty of not doing more, but I've come to realize.. when it comes to relationships, its not only about the "do" factor but the intangibles like "chemistry, fate" all these extend beyond plain words. Sometimes, not doing much, does not mean you don't care either.

Finances.
Do dollars make sense? I think by a quick straw poll, I should be one of the bottom of my peers building a financial nest for ourselves. I would admit immediately that I'm no scrooge, neither am I the biggest spender. I think I've been blessed with just enough. But I'm certain that before the Lord blesses me with aplenty.. I've to challenge myself to be a better steward of my finances. Does that mean, saving more money? I don't think so. My perspective is simply to maximise the best use of the finance being in my possession. If its to save, then it will be. If its to invest, to bless or to give it away, I've to learn prudence and obedience. Finance will continue to be a tool that the Lord will prune me for many years to come.

Fellowship
Before you start having thoughts that fellowship are usually in the context of Christian groups, let me bring perspective that fellowship is simply a group of peers (or a mix) that are a place to learn and share time together amongst other things. Yup, like Frodo and the Fellowship of the Ring.
For a couple of months, I have been terrified, sick in the stomach when being placed in a social setting of a big group of people; even those whom I know well. Its purely psychological. I remember the last nightmare was a gathering of friends. They kept asking about my ex-gf and when we’re getting married... Etc.. The pressure was unbearable. Even till today, I find myself having to share a simple story of how a love that is not meant to be realized in marriage.
But, slowly, by meeting more people, and pushing myself out of comfortable ‘coward’ shell, things will improve.
After all, I’m pretty clear from the message above that I’ve to live a life that I’m design for; denying myself is denying the creator’s plans for me.
So that’s why I’m trying to make a last minute plan for those who have been part of my life this year, to share with me a toast for the upcoming years ahead!

.......my prayer for tonight.

O Lord, I thank you for your hand has been gentle towards me. You’ve shield me from storms and tribulations beyond my capabilities. You’ve made me realize your majesty, your infinite grace and love for me and the people I love dearly. There’s nothing I can do for you to love me more, for me to earn the grace I need so desperately each day. You know of my deepest desires, my personalities and plans are woven by your intricate hands. Only you have the patience to hear my rants, my constant denials of my God-given abilities and responsibilities. You have brought people who have been a reflector of your awesome love. Above all , you understand me best, and without you, I would have easily lost the script of the role that I’m to play.
May I learn to carry my cross inspired by your love and be worthy of hearing those words I long to hear from you.

Amen

2006-10-14T23:52:00.000+08:00

Time to put things into perspective

Its time, for me to take stock and recollect, make plans for the following years. After all, I've decided to step forward in faith, and look forward to a SPRING season in my life. A time of learning and growing, a season of letting things bloom..

I've been enourage by this devotional entry ... (my utmost for the highest)

"We must also learn that our individual effort for God shows nothing but disrespect for Him— our individuality is to be rendered radiant through a personal relationship with God, so that He may be "well pleased" ( Matthew 3:17 ). We are focused on the right individual perspective of things; we have the vision and can say, "I know this is what God wants me to do." But we have not yet learned to get into God’s stride. If you are going through a time of discouragement, there is a time of great personal growth ahead."

A time of great personal growth ahead.. ~ what an exciting prospect this holds!

There have been plenty of set-backs in the last few days, such as bad health due the haze, a slow & painful recovery from gym workouts and the occasional self-doubt creeping in. Funny how I realize, I can't really remeber how I used to live my life when I was in a relationship... It seems like only such a sweet dream that I woke up from.

I'm praying Lord, let not all this discourage me no more.. Yes, these things should prune my soul lest it gets proud for the self-effort invested, but it should not stop me from living a life of Faith, a life that declares of God's promises in my life.

Keep me from being hasty, and learn to enjoy the journey.

2006-10-12T00:21:00.000+08:00

the Changing wind

Being stuck with the haze for the last few days, have been good timing to push me to join the gym rat gang. Oh well, I've only been to the gym twice so far. With really light weights as compared to the rest, and since I'm a trial member, I've focusing on using the cable-pulley resistance machines. All at the comfort of being in a majority male club, without looking ridiculous by the fairer gender incomparsion to the alpha male tone bodies.

Writing this blog, would then suffice my need for mental exercise. I don't think its a direct stimulating effecting, but it does remind me to work on my language skills. The more you write at times, the better you would be understanding yourself, others and most importantly, improve one's understanding of the dynamics of communication.

In the last couple of days, I've been praying and mediating over one certain issue in life. To cut the long story really short; I've been waiting, for the season to step up again to fall on my lap.

But that wind has changed
Its about no longer allowing yourselves excuses in life, in issues like, "why are you late?" " why are you so nervous about this.. "
Its about no longer allowing my body and mind to tell my soul thoughts of self-pity, " tomorrow will be a better day".... "they won't understand what you're going through, one day they would.. but not today.." --> all those procrastinating and negative thoughts. All those thoughts must be renewed, they must be exchanged with eyes and minds that hold onto the promise of God.

My belief is that everyone is design to live for purposes far greater than themselves. We can live out our lives that deny who are meant to be, and still live reasonable .. satisfying lives. However, there would be an inner conflict. A calling out to your heart, that you would need much effort to suppress. Of course, this isn't your idealistic dreams such as owning the latest Italian automobile, or getting the dream job. Its about living out a passion, a higher calling, a relation to others more than yourself.
For too long, I've question myself about the very existence of my life. The bane of my life was a breakdown of confidence. Questions about the manner I live my life was rightly called into question, but my response and the attitude towards it; in the long haul was unhealthy to say the least.

After a while, when you've suppressed yourself long enough, it soon becomes second nature. I remember watching the local film, "SINGAPORE DREAMING" .. the female lead actress talks about her passion of singing .. how she had to supress many things in her life to play the role of a housewife.. and her courage to come out of the shell later when she finally comes to grip with her husband's death.. is reflective of how I feel deep inside now.

winter has come to past. Its the time for Spring. For over a year, I lived a life of winter. I've been defrosting for over a slight period ... Now I need to give room in my own life to let Spring come forth.

Lord, grant me the courage to let go of the bane of the past season in this life. Please let your hand be upon me, let my eyes be of faith and the inner will to be of courage; to resign the past to its rightful place. I step forward with fear, and my hands tremble before what you would place for me. But I know that you would never tempt me more than I can bare. I know you've plans to enlarge my tent. I need your wisdom and strength to be a worthy steward for all that you place upon me.
I turn to you again .. like a sheep to its Shepard.

2006-10-06T02:29:00.000+08:00

Its October! Closing thoughts on Human Relationships

Its October.. another season. for me esp. in the numerical valuation of my life. In a few weeks, I would be another season older, hopefully, I would be able to have the privilege of looking back and give thanks for the invaluable lessons learnt in this journey.

Last month, I rattled on and on abt relationships. No doubt it still a favourite pet topic of mine to engage in.. I think its wiser to end my comments on it.. after this entry .. :D

Relationships, well.. the last few random thoughts I've are/were..
Have you ever wonder how blind we all can be at times, when the very person that would complete or bring your life closer to the very purpose you're made for.. .. is superficially not your dating type. Maybe, he's too fat/ skinny, young/old, doesn't have that career drive you're hoping for.. Or for us guys, maybe she's not the cute/intriguing lady that you always fancy. Not everyone is going to marry a William gates, aston kutcher, Allan wu/ Angelina jolie, ___ (insert any hot Korean actress name here) or even a fiona xie !!

Are we no different from horses that wear blinders when it comes to human relationships?

Should we consider that SOMEONE, in someway.. have the potential to ignite your life.. the very person to grow old with you. Of course, the silliness of giving it all that up, to see if the grass is greener on the other side is the very bane for all of us mankind.. with hardly any exceptions.

It is after all a preference issue, no different from choosing chilli or mustard sauce. You either love it or hate it, there's no wrong with either choices. I used to be very open about who I date, but later I realize I'm usually attracted to specific personality traits in ladies.. I became more aware and selective.. But like a closet romantic, I know deep inside, maybe there's someone out there.. who would challenge all my preconceived 'expectations' and in time to come entralled me in the a holstic manner for the rest of my life.

We're after all never goanna meet up fully to the expectations of the ideal partner that we dream of in our idle time. In us, we have quirks about us that we might be even embarrass to share with our family members, what more the very person you're trying to attract. Even when two people get together, the most common stress point, is the promise of "I'm goanna change this habit.... trait.. for you.. becoz I love you.. " Well..its easy to say, but a totally different ball game to even fulfil it. Counsellors would tell you, that change takes time, don't be surprised that you may have a strong dislike for people who are very headstrong.. but you end up dating someone who is as stubborn as a mule.. it might take years.. if you can bare through it.. for the person to inch out and be more.. flexible.. if it even happens in the first place!

I won't go into the issue of opposite personality attraction. Or the simple fact that each one of us are special in our own ways = we're all oddballs!!

Instead, like any young adult entering a phase of seeing our peers in and out of relationships, attending funerals, weddings, house-warming and all that..I think its part and parcel of reflection, we ask ourselves.. Hmm.. do you really want to remain single ... or even take the plunge of being open to be dateable.

What is being dateable? Is it being irresistible? I'm so tempted to say YES!! but actually its not. To me, being dateable, is to be comfortable in your own skin to share with someone your life, to be both vulnerable to the effects of eros, and balanced with the desire to self-cultivate a stronger personality; improving on your own quirks, and growing as individual.

Being dateable is also an issue of priority. Seriously, if your work schedule is going to be packed Monday to Sunday.. how would you even have the energy to cultivate a deeper relationship with someone .. I for one, am going to, or already have embark on this path. Seriously, for all of us who are a little fearful of relationships or need a break from it, its not the worst thing to have your work stretching across the days of your life.. Dating is afterall, an expensive social activity.

If your self-reflection/observation towards relationship reveals a "its about me!" attitude or you behaviour towards people is like they owe you a living.. or you love to nurse people.. hmm.. maybe you should start wondering " is that a possibility for me to relate to another person as my equal/ partner for the rest of my life".

I think before we enter/while we're in the relationship..its always good to be reflective in our attitude towards our love ones :D

If you find that too hard, Of course, we could all go back to primitive times, and like the animals..
do the mating dance :D

2006-09-25T14:44:00.000+08:00

My personality test results.. (many years ago which still rings true)

INFP are quiet, creative, sensitive and perceptive souls who often strike others as shy, reserved and cool. These folks have a rare capacity for deep caring and committment. Both to the people and causes they idealize. INFPs guide their behaviour by a strong inner sense of values, rather than by conventional logic and reason.
Forced to cope with the facts-and-figures "real" world we inhabit, INFPs may appear to have been imported from another galaxy! They gravitate towards creative or human service careers which allow them to use their instinctive sense of empathy and remarkable communication skills. Strongly religious, spiritual or philosophical people, INFPs may see the purpose of their lives as an inner journey, quest or personal unfolding. More practical or rational types may tend to discredit the INFP's source of understanding as mystical.
The search for a soulmate is a preoccupation for many INFPs, who must balance their need of privacy and peace with their yearning for human connection. If there seems to be an air of sadness in the INFP's spirit, blame it on this type's longing for the prefect in all things.

2006-09-15T02:13:00.000+08:00

My Life unfolding. ~ thoughts on companionship

a few things in my life I still struggle with.. since this is my little haven of sorts, (atleast that what I want to believe) I would like to just write it out and feel stupid afterwards..

the little thing missing in my life now.. is a form of finding close companionship. The losse of companionship is a personally great source of agony when a relationship doesn't work out. The two people behave as if they never met.
Its a selfish thought, but we all get into relationships to share with that someone more about ourselves. The REAL me inside. So part of sharing is to foster a closer bond of companionship. The times spent listening to one another, the joy of celebrating a little good fortune in life .. all that.. to me; that's the real priceless part in a relationship.
Therefore these days, I made the decision that I'll enjoy the companionship of who comes along, and if it works out.. that's great, but if not. I would want to enjoy the moments of enjoyment, and let it rest then.
Sure , i mourn the friends who no longer stay in touch, or the friends who were once so close to you; but because of circumstances or choices, things change.
I do mourn for the lost .. but when one door closes, we just gotta move towards the next door then.

Therefore, to me.. when in comes to romantic relationship, the primary desire of my heart is to be part of someone; with a complimenting personality. Its not so much about that great date, or how good the first impression the person may leave behind. Even if the person is "hot" can be so secondary. A clash of personality makes things so much more difficult.

its all in the intangibles. and working through the rest of it all together I guess.

2006-09-14T00:42:00.000+08:00

Romance & its ideology further explored

Regrets, we all would have. In the realm of romance, we always would wonder, " What if I choice him/her instead of XXX".. or the classic, "if only, she would let me say what I feel inside.." etc..
How then do we release the pain of regret? Regret comes in so many forms and it hurts deep inside. Sometimes so deep, that our emotions are pretty much numbed and dumb by it. We would regret the strong words said, or the apology that ought to have been expressed. Maybe its, something more simple like; a missed opportunity .. Regret challenges us to consider the "what ifs" in our lives. For the more reflective and slightly depressive people, we would struggle with this more. We often wonder what were the things that we could do, or not do.. On the other hand the more care-free.. I .. believe you would have regrets too, but I'm the first to admit that I'm not the most care-free person; but I'm very certain they would feel the pain of regret just as bad.. I admire those would could bounce back from regrets quickly .. and deal with them in a manner that's 'cool'

Do you believe my dear readers, believe that you deserve someone?

I don't. Maybe in the selfish moments of my life, I would succumb to this ideology that there is someone out there that I deserve to be with. But alas, often the cold truth tends to awaken me and challenges me to be realistic.
If you believe that you truly deserve someone to love you, honour you and spend the happiest and saddest moment with you, because you simply deserve it.. that its a very selfish ideology to me.
I don't deny at times I don't struggle with my own general acceptance of PROVIDENCE, but alas while I subscribe to it, I do believe that it means that someone out there is mine, because I deserve it.
No one person is an object, a prize or a trophy. Beside the usual reasoning; ~ we all have emotions and that its a mean thing to do, believing that you deserve someone is simply believing in a certain manner of lordship you have over your partner. Let me stretch it further by saying, its like writing a Christmas wish card, tell Santa, I've been a good child, so this year I deserve to be awarded this.......
I don't believe that there's anything that I can do to deserve someone. I would believe that there are people out there who would complete me. However, I too need to be that someone that would complete her. Its not about who's meeting who's needs better etc. But its the fact that beside attraction, there needs to be a common desire to be who I'm design to be and, that would bring completeness to my partner. Its never about seeing who loves who more in a relationship, or who’s in-charge. Relationship takes hard work.. Even if you believe only this person deserves your affection, after he/she proves himself/herself, you got to ask yourself then, would you have done the same. I believe that this is common still, and to a certain extent I have an amount of respect for it, because I believe certain things needs to be work out; but wouldn’t life be much more blessed if we weren’t so aggressive in wanting things in our manner in the first place?

How about dating types?

I believe most of us fall into this activity. I know some friends who would prefer to date ladies of another race, or men of a social class. Anything wrong with that? I don’t think so. In fact, I often believe that people who have identified the personalities that they are likely to date; are usually the more mature people in relationships. They’re no longer wish-washy about whether to consider dating this person, then change the mind immediately soon after.
I too have identified through reflection and hearing close friends the personalities of ladies that I would prefer to date. Sadly, knowing the personalities that you want to date, and finding out the personalities that you attract can be quite a big difference though :(
We may never marry the person that we would want to date either ! I’ve seen friends who marry people that gets to our skins, but when you see how people change and grow in relationships; your mind would start challenging this ideology too

I know there would be many who would disagree with me, but alas, this is my blog; therefore its my privilege for me to share with you my personal thoughts. You are of course welcome to express yours.

2006-08-31T00:06:00.000+08:00

Romance oh romance.

I love to multi-task things in my life. I love to multi-task. Be it, driving, eating, even taking a shower, etc.. I've no idea why.
I think the best two things that I do with all my concentration is sleeping, and well.. maybe....that something in the near future.. Called Romance.

And today, while doing my reflections-reading-listening to music, all at the same time, concurrently.. I realize a little more about me in relationships.

I'm not going to fool myself anymore that I'll be jolly and happy to live the rest of my life as a single. For a long time, I told myself I wasn't suitable for anybody else; with all my luggage of emotional and physical burdens holding me back. But, deep inside me, I know there lies a part of me, somewhere out there. Someone for me to be part of till the end of days.

I know I'm happy amongst people, but too many people kind of bothers me. I love to see the wonderful dynamics of human relations at work , be it in romance or friendships.. The buzz of romance, the excitement, the psyche of it all.. it intrigues me.

This year, I had the wonderful privilege of knowing two young ladies better. Sadly, things didn't click. Both ladies were attractive in their own manner and had their own queues of suitors; but they still gave me a chance to get to know them much better. Things didn't workout though.

Why things didn't work out? I was at a loss.

I examined myself.. my actions, my struggles. It boiled down to me not being ready. Somehow deep inside me, I want to be ready, but I just couldn't be ready; just for anybody. Even for those that I'm attracted to.. I don't trust myself. I armed myself with my close buddies, trusting that they would understand what suits me better, and well, to help me be accountable to them.

I guess I'm still a chicken when it comes to it. But, well.. its a start I guess. Start meeting people and changing mind-sets.

While I probe myself further on what I would anticipate my ideal partner to be, I find these qualities in two female friends. One, unfortunately, I'm not in contact with anymore. With her, I guess we have similar priorities, our different personalities would have clicked and well, I think we would have been able to enjoy each other's energy level, and cheer each other up when we're down. We could go crazy together, learn something new.. or simply just stay at home and cook meals for our family.
The other lady, I just realize how wonderful it would to get to know her better. All this while, I was on a lookout to find the right guy for her; one fine evening, I find myself looking at her who could easily complete me, by just being who she is.

But would they ever find me a suitable candidate for their own lives? I doubt it. But I'm already blessed to know these two ladies. They have become a model of the qualities in a lady that would complete me. Now if only out there this moment, a lady would think of me in the manner I'm praying for her too.

Simply amazing isn't it? Sometimes, that very person that could be most suitable for you ends up being your best friend, or your best buddies partner.. or you have lost their contact.. who knows,that someone could even be that person you hate now, but end up heads and heels in love with. It is after all a thin line, between passionate love and intense hate. Love isn't impossible. But its controllable in its manifestation.

I learn recently this metaphor that when it comes to relationships, well, there are 2 ladders. One is of coz the romantic ladder, the other is purely friendship. I've my fair share of lady friends that reside on the friendship ladder.. I never really consider the fact that female friends on the friendship ladder could cross over, but who knows. My first lady love was a friends for years, before things developed further. Could this be the appropriate manner then? Well, I have my doubts since, I know when things on the romantic ladder doesn't work out, its extremely hard for it to be transferred back to the friendship level. The years and years of friendship would easily be undone.. by mere attraction and stupidity.

is it then worth the risk? I dare not do so now. Unless the feelings are mutual, and the gut feel is that it could work.

Oh tsk tsk. romance is becoming like a major.. major.. knot as you advance in life.

2006-08-29T02:06:00.001+08:00

my warp sense of money mgt

i think its time for me to share a part of me that I struggle alot in.
That's right
$ management.

Well, generally I spend less than what I earn, which isn't alot to begin with; but well, there was once this lady that peep at my bank book. She went, "this isn't your only bank account right?"

Haha. Yes. It is.

Here's how my expenditure usually breaks down in a month. In terms of % of dollar spent per month

1. petorl for the car + cupons, cash card top-ups..
2. meals + group dinners etc
3. tithe
4. gifts for others
5. insurance premiums
6. loans / bad debts ~ paying for others in advance.. and counting till the day they pay me back.
7. self-indulgence .. a sports equipment, good food, shirts..etc

Well, to people who see me, they usually have this idea that I'm a big spender. I don't deny I'm a quality conscious person, and would choose to pay more for a better quality product if I can afford it. I mean, since I'm paying for something at least I should get something decently nice, if not why bother in the first place. I would also prefer to wine and dine my guests, partners at more particular places. Last but not least, I'll always make an attempt to get the best possible gift I can get for the person that may cost more, but if its something to brighten the person's life. Why not?

I'm a strong believer that in everything that we do, we should count the cost beforehand. And therefore when we take action for it, the cost will be something that we should bear willingly. So if buying this particular present is going to cost me $XXX, then I'll have to make the necessary adjustments such as eating simply, or other cost-cutting measures to make up for the $XXX expenditure.

My own money-pinching ways include never taking taxis if I can help it. I will walk if its within a 4km radius. I'll not buy things just so as to posses them or display them. If its something that I fancy, but I know I can afford to live without, then it will never enter my shopping cart. I save money by buying cheaper hair gel, cooking meals at home if I can or simply not eat at all. I won't buy a drink at the drink stall if I'm just having a quick meal at the foodcourt etc. I will prefer to take Ya Kun coffee, then Starbucks if I'm alone. At group meals, I will take the cheapest meal I can decently eat; more so even if the person is giving a treat.

Weird uh? Well.. I have always respected the people who can save a fortune. Those who have managed to save for the holidays, the special things that they wanted for a long long time etc. Or even the money to invest.

The Lord says, that when we are capable of managing the small, then he would entrust us with aplenty.

Its really a personal struggle for me to say "no" at times, or avoid the little expenditures that may not cost alot but its always a recurring cost.

I don't wish to be a bondslave to $. But neither should I fear $. I'm blessed that I have never been a stingy person. But Lord, teach me not to lust after the things that $ can buy but are useless for your will in my life.

Oh Lord, teach me to invest my $ wisely. Teach me to be faithful and wise in the little, so that when I'm blessed with more, I would use it in a manner that would please you and extend your kingdom greater than I can imagine.

2006-08-26T16:12:00.000+08:00

Teachings I've learnt.

Well, one of the greatest quote I ever heard regarding one's unique individuality and responsibility to oneself goes like this..

"don't try to be different. be yourself. be who you're made to be. but if that means that you realize that you're going to be different. embrace it then."

Let me share with you the rest of the random thoughts and inspiration that i've received over time. Don't quote me on them though..

about challenging your status class
"don't believe that a certain group of people are privilege therefore, are untouchables~ beyond you. don't try to be who they are either. start believing now that you can be as good; if not better than them. we may not all start on the same path in life, but we will all end up 6 feet under."

personal responsibility
"the world may act in one manner. but its your reaction that can change it forever."

getting up and going ahead
".. if I counted the number of failures I've made, i would have wasted that time to make more mistakes, and learn from them. we all make mistakes. but I'm never a failure. coz i never failed to fail.. I only fail when I learn nothing from my failures.."

attitude in life when a crisis appears.
"is that all you got? bring it on."

2006-08-24T15:05:00.000+08:00

A Quick newsflash. Top 10 things happening in my life. In no order of importance!

LAST FEW DAYS, HAVE BEEN LIKE A FLASH.. THUS BEST WAY IS TO WRITE IT ALL IN POINT FORM :D

FIRST AND FOREMOST. GOD's SO GOOD & WONDERFUL THRU IT ALL!!!

1. realize that a buddy of sorts is dating my ex. (how do i feel abt it?... erm. wish them all the best ???)

2. made the resolution that i'm going to be supportive of my ex. not matter what. (all the best for her career and her growth in a new zone)

3. been challenged to step up in ministry in church ( i really meant.. STEP UP!)

4. met a beauty queen, with more personality & with one of those 'stareS' that would turn me on. Too bad. She's attached. So its a STRICT No. (SORRY BLOKES. won't introduce her to anyone else either!)

5. exchanging my bowling arm for a softer touch -> american pool

6. yes! i'm still a crappy 8 ball pool player.. and for the record, 9-ball pool too!

7. its time.. n I know many friends said that maybe the lady I dated, wasn't suitable.. well.. yeah. (enough said eh?)

8. I realize sometimes.. two people can be so similar, so suitable it seems, but its the little little instrinctive things that although might seem minor at times; would be the ones that would utimately tear a relationship apart.

9. after dating 2 wonderful ladies; i've learnt from experience.. " the right person at the wrong time, is the wrong person"

10. i'm going to step out of comfort zone.. God willingly.. in everything. Its getting to feel like sloth staying in your own.. mindset of wat's right.. how things should and can be done. it kills creativity.. and most importantly.. it kills the potential to achieve something far greater!

. its a wrap!

2006-08-10T21:51:00.000+08:00

Next on the Agenda.-> a holiday . fall in love .

How do you fall in love in such a restless world;
when everything is being pressed.. everything is screaming for your attention.

How do you've time left to give your heart away;
when your mind, energy is given away to pressing work commitments; obligations, and all that.

Maybe this thing called Amore, is best when we are on a holiday, studying..
when you've the energy and attention possible for that one person who deserves it all.

I don't like to give people bits and pieces of me. Neither do I want to know someone in that manner.
But the reality is slowly coming to me; that I consider my work load is still low..
and already, I'm not even able to commit a proper percent of myself for someone I'm dating.
Thank goodness, I'm only casually dating!

Alas.. and then how do you know when then to let your emotional guard down ..
be totally naked emotionally.. and at the same time feel so secure.

Am I writing something that you think will never happen to you?
Well. If you never experience it before, let me tell you its possible.

If you're like me; who once experience it before.. then lost it..
can you advise me.. must all relationships that work out in the end feel this way..
or can we just accept something less; cause that's pretty normal.

I should start with a holiday.

and find out truly for myself, what I really need and want. I've been so blessed that my buddies around me seem to know what I need better than myself.
Guess, my holiday needs to be a journey to discover myself more.

2006-08-06T16:35:00.000+08:00

Continued ramblings...

the last few days, I've been feeling a little low..
drained, tired.. restless even..
feeling little a little bluesy..

thus, I avoid people when I feel this way. Somehow since 2004, it has become a natural response for me; to withdraw and avoid most people. Its not as if I'm like going to avoid eye-contact with you on purpose, but I won't be hanging around when the group is making lunch/dinner plans. Or when you're going to tell me the most happening place; and that we should be there, then I would kindly muster some lame execuse and leave.

Sounds pathetic doesn't it? But, I guess; its one of the best manner for me now, to give myself some space and time, to reflect.. read and write/blog even. The last 14 days have been such a rush, and at times I do miss tat rush, but now that slowing things down, I won't wish to waste my time either; just spending hours and hours on the black box. Hmm.. is it normal to tell people, "oh, I'm not joining you guys, coz I'm going back to read this _____(self-help book), you guys have fun!"

Reflecting back, I'm really a crap of a american pool player. I manage to lose all 8 games of sort to players who were struggling to have their feel. I mean if I played well and lose which happened only in 1/2 game, I wouldn't feel so crap. But gosh, you should see how I played.
My bowling arm seems to be getting worst, with my torn tissue in my right forarm ever such a painful reminder. Soccer is going to be rusty, badminton is going to be tough since I don't really have a playing racket ( i broke the last 2 in quick succession)..

oh my lady love ? Where are you.. ( don't worry I'm not writing about any of the Ex(s), or anyone in particular) Will you find me one day?

Its really a stretch of faith for me to even open up my heart to believe in true love with someone.. with all the recent observations and thoughts of various relationships..

Inch by inch, it seems I'm getting more ready for a relationship; but miles and miles I realize I'm apart for that someone I can be faithful, loving to..

Quit playing the games of the heart.

Its time to step up once again. That's life aint' it ?

2006-07-31T22:49:00.000+08:00

Random thoughts of a scatter~brain -part1

the last few days have been so busy, that today's slow pace, has allowed me to finally sit down, reflect and write...

work.
having place my primary work on the backburner for the last few days; I have come to realize how much I love my work; and it has spur me more forward career wise. However, where do I start off; that moment- the spark of inspiration is still needed.

working capabilities
hmm, i have come to realize the impact of hiring and working with the right candidates for the job. I didn't expect the deep and significant impact of how hiring someone below the required capabilities would have such a significant impact on; not only the job , but all the lives involved with the projects.
how then do we place trust in people to their job... Is it ever possible to look beyond an impressive CV ?

balancing work & the rest of your life
From the start of the week, i thought that after a hectic week of volunteer work, i could enjoy a great Sunday service (which i was so blessed to be with) and soccer (which my body refuse to let me take part in). Although not everything went according to plan, it was still a great time, a great ad reline rush to work through and pushing your body and mind to achieve greater things. I must admit, it tug in my heart strings, not being able to see my family for the whole week, no family meals, or hearing the familiar sounds of friends on a Friday night cell group setting.
but i had the privilege to work with people sharing the same passion as I do, and more importantly, we knew the purpose of our work.

what a joy it is to working for a purpose greater than yourself.

2006-07-20T14:25:00.000+08:00

Jesus you are my King.

Lord, you're my king. I have declared so many times over, your victory in my life, my future; I've pledge this lifetime to your amazing love that you demostrated on the cross I've been inspired by.

To be the broken bread and pour wine for all your heart holds dear.. .. oh Father!

My heart trembles with such a calling. Where would I find fellow servants of such a calling? Who can understands the depth of this; who can mentor this wretched soul when he is lost and drained?

Oh I'm not worthy of the trials that you've set forth in my life, the personal anguish, is so often too much to bear.. But lest its not your will in my life; I'll pursue what lies beyond all these.
Lord, grant me boldness and faith to declare your goodness throughout.

I need wisdom to make the right decisions admist the endless temptations; love when its so easy to give up and not care anymore and be indifferent.

Each trial you have allowed in my life, has pushed my boundaries and shaken the foundation of the basis of my choices/ideals; oh Lord, I fear to be called unfaithful in your courts.. but Lord, there's a fear that is above all of my fears.

My fear and reverance of your Lordship. May I be so close to you, that my eyes; hearts and lips are able to declare..

Jesus is my King. This day and forevermore.

2006-07-06T21:36:00.000+08:00

Random thoughts ~The World Cup
This season of the world cup is surely one of the most tactically astute compared to the others. Imagine that both teams who build their playing style with defense in mind have advanced to grand final by taking their penalities (sorry england, swiss, arg) with great aplomb. Do they really deserve it? Well, let's just say that their win had a mix of good favour and lots of hard work; such as the Italian's win over the Aussie' team or France qualification from the group stage in the first place!!
But I guess, with Zidane playing his last game each time he steps on the field, he's playing like a man possesed. Talk about the difference one man can make.. He changed his mind abt playing for France, then came back to lead the team to the grand finals... Hmm, maybe he should change his mind and play for my beloved Utd, and will take the league title from Chelsa.. Stranger things have happened..
As for all the rumors that the World cup is fixed.. Maybe it is.. But I think that won't stop many of us, those who truly love the sport and not spend our lunch, dinner...money and lunch break hours gambling on this beautiful game... Maybe if the games are truly rigged, people might gamble less, since I don't remember people gambling over the results of wrestling matches; since its always rigged anyway.. haha.

Oh well.. I've not reached catched my soccer, the best match so far I witness would the Arg Vs Mexico.. some were good, all of England matches were bad!
I'm looking towards the post-world cup sale of the soccer jerseys and other appreal..
That would make my day..

Cheers.

2006-06-26T13:41:00.000+08:00

A new Monday.

its a suprise to read comments on a Monday. Thank you for the many comments.

a new day has risen.

Give thanks.

we are who we're today, for all that has shaped us, good or bad .. brings us closer to who we're to be.

We may not like ourselves very much, nor our past.. even the future looks bleake..
but we're closer each day to who we are called to be, regardless of the U-turns, the wrong turns..

a new chapter is written today, don't waste it on idle banter or pointless agurements.

Revenage is mine says the Lord. So keep on pressing for the good goal. We're all in the same race, let's cheer each other on instead.

Cheers.

2006-06-23T13:15:00.000+08:00

A storm in a teacup or more..

Thank you my dear anon writers, for filling up 5 comments worth! I think there's the current record now. Cheers.

May I address them, so that we all might bringing this exciting season to a close, and move on to our own lives or other controversies.

Firstly, thank you for the noble hearts to stand up for your friend, your efforts in protecting this kinship is admirable to say the least. However, may I humbly recommend the following...

"We cannot control what others say about us, but we can surely be in control of our attitude towards the reply."

With that in mind, lets put all these in perspective.

I would like to thank the first writer, for his/her example in being bold, offensive even at times to challenge my words and thoughts.. maybe you meant to highlight that was the how I'm making my ex, and her friends feel. Interestingly enough, although the low-blow is acknowledged, I'm still dumb founded by your attitude and reactions.

Come forward and talk..

If my blog is offensive to you, you can always approach me. My ex did on one article, a year back, and I did retract that entry not because I felt it was an offensive entry, but merely becoz she was uncomfortable at it. She was a direct party. Hmm, do I then remove every entry becoz someone is uncomfortable. Honestly, if the person is directly involved, I would. But if the entry makes you uncomfortable becoz you disagree with it, or you find that this entry deviates from your own personal opinion of someone or some ideology, then .. I'm sorry but then I may have to stand my ground.

I appreciate the honourable way that my 2nd writer suggested. Surely I look forward to our exchange when it comes. Although the 1st writer was annoyed at this suggestion, and suggested that I should take up a chair and do a rally of sorts.. I find this alittle dis-tasteful.

I would recommend that if we do have issues, that matters be resolved face to face. Of coz, part of problem; post relationship was that, my ex and I never really sat down and talk. All the people around us did that for us. We weren't encourage to speak for months, so when the time was right, there was alot of pissed off steam I guess.. When you don't get to see someone, hear their tone, talk to them.. how can you expect to understand.
Let's be honest, e-mails, sms, and even blogs are usually very poor mouth pieces for our actual moods. There are so much more we can express that the multimedia fails to even detect, and so much confusion is created when words are open to be interpreted.

I was term a maverick not becoz I wanted to be some fancy pilot. I was term as one, becoz at times, my attitude and personality is of such. Don't bother trying to gag me, cause you may only serve to inspire me more. But my basis of thoughts and opinions are only reflective of me. I'm not a loose cannon, but once I'm ready to fire, then what the difference in shooting with a pistol or a shotgun, if the intention is the same? Aren't we all judge by our intentions too, not just by the disguised acts we put on every single day then?

Should you then consider what I have written as gospel truth? That would be up to your maturity in understanding relationships and the human pysche.
The million dollar Question begs, have all I wrote, are they lies? Hmm.. this is a tough one isn't it?

I'm not someone who is out to slander anyone. I don't deny my opinions can be very strong and I would defend it earnestly. But that doesn't make me unteachable yet. In fact, if I was so headstrong, I would have save myself from many more hurts.

if you are yet to know me well, I can reassure you I don't decide one fine day to make up stories, or say... hey.. let's go pissed off this person just for the fun of it. What more someone who is close to my heart.
The reader of this blog has the very important task of understanding what I'm writing and discerning what I'm writing is bad mouthing.

Oh yeah, in case you're wondering, I actually had another lady being used as a miss too in my recent entries.. so if you get mixed up, I'm sorry.

For what I write, there has been a basis. There has to be a fire for smoke to appear. Let's leave it as that then. I have no intention to further prove my case.

Why do I write then?
My blog is never meant to be a major broadcast or even to be links for others to look at. I write becoz, I write. Do I write to gather attention to myself? No maybe I write, coz I feel its time to piss on others? Nah. I don't even advertise my blog .. haha

I'm never going to be the most PR person especially when it comes to people. I don't do tat. Maybe I'll learn.. but for now, I'm not such a person.

What I say or write, many a times, may always been terms as scandalous, but if you sit down and reflect about it, many a times, what I write, and your response would be a reflector too..of who you're inside.

I don't intend to keep my blog a private one, firstly, becoz I'm lazy.. Secondly is there a difference in keeping this blog private, if the issue is that my writing is offensive. Thirdly, I believe in writing openly, a fair exchange of ideas, thoughts and beliefs. I don't have much to hide anyway.

If so, wouldn't it be easier for you to stop reading this blog then, rather then I make it private.

If I remember correctly, towards the end of my ex blog, she was also bombed with various crushing comments. And after a while, I think she felt it was meaningless to continue writing it.
I felt very sad for her. By then, I couldn't do much, so all I could do was pray and try to leave nice tags even if the meant nothing to her.

Last, may I end this entry, with my reason to write my blog.

I started my blog, as a form of expression, it became useful for me to start penning my thoughts and reflecting on them later in my life. When I was depressed, it became my main form of communication to others, who bothered to say Hi, how have you been.
Then, I felt this blog has to be an account of my life, warts and all. I tend to write alot more of my personal rubbish, my failures.. my lamenting like most blogs do.
Finally, this blog is my testimony. Unlike most testimonies you hear, they are all good news, mine is one in progress..

Will there be good news in the end? Only time can tell.

2006-06-15T02:46:00.000+08:00

For you.
Its in this in the early morning, that finally, I pluck up the humility and what I believe is the right posture to reply to you.

Yes, in replying, I may been helping you achieve the point; I would be 'justifying' my words and thoughts, but, may I humbly extend the posture of humility to you, that you would retract the bold challenge; and take on the same humility that our Lord took; allowing us to both learn through this process and interaction of ideas.

Initially, with your writing, I profess i took it as a compliment, that you bothered to go through the effort to reply, to stand up for the fair maiden. But, of coz; its with several reviews and advise from peers, that i learn to appreciate the full extent of your claims.

Let me share that its never my intention to bring or 'tear apart' the reputation of her. Why would I, wouldn't I simply be highlighting then, as a sore-blighted spurred ex-lover?
If so, I would vouch that period of life for me is over by and large.

To narrate the personal standpoint, may I use myself as the subject matter.

Let me share with you honestly, that I believe each of us are a plenty of facets, and personalities. I for one, confess, there's a me; inside.. that I would classify as the Shane of 1999-2004 ~ that was a period, that I learn to love in great deal, with someone so lovely, so easy to love.. I made a lot of grave mistakes too; but never the less, its wonderful memories, and a part of me when I learn to love to an extend beyond my own needs.

In 2005, Shane went thru a period, of transition, a period, of being lost, priorities, decisions, and most importantly the relationship aspects had to be placed under serious review. He was both angry, hurting...devastation amidst his plans made over the years; now in tatters.. feeling unable to adjust; like a part of him that was surgically removed without any pain killers. He needed attention and care, but was never in the right frame of mind to even understand himself anymore, let alone handle his relationships. He had lost his best friend. Friendships, Relationships with people generally became a façade to him. He believe he was better off, never to be in the position of such hurt anymore. He had lost his 'loving feelin' him along the way.

2006, Shane is standing up physically, but emotionally and spiritually he has never left the posture of his head between his knees; hands stretch out.. continually crying out above.. Becoz, he's still struggles with insecurity, the weight of feeling a burden to others.. .and so many more. He knows his lack, and would kindly appeal to others for their patience in his life, and would just desire to continue to learn what it means to be a broken bread and pour out wine for his community; not becoz he's worthy.. but becoz he's convicted of that thru the love of his Lord and saviour. Therefore, although a cynical romantic, he is still in the process of understanding and praying to be more attentive to the holy spirit's guidance in his life.

As for his attitude towards her, well, there will always be a part of him; that has learnt to love her.. and that love is no longer the same, and it will never be the as before either.
He continues to pray for her, and in his silent moments, give thanks for the wonderful opportunity to love, to honour her. To him, she's still one of the few close to his heart; but will always have to struggle to learn to love her in a manner that glorifies their Father in heaven. Like an over-protective friend, he wants to protect her, but also he lives in the shame that he no longer is in a position to be of love to her.

Do you love ....?

I did. and the season of love for me..may have just blew by. But for you, it may be an upcoming season.

May I pray that what I write resonates into you, and more importantly, challenge you to be one above me; seek and trust in love with all your heart and let that the love in you comes not becoz of yourself but of God's love for you.

2006-06-06T15:20:00.000+08:00

Being Comfortable with your own skin

How many of us can say with great confidence,
I'm cool with who I'm, who I'll be.
Even the high achievers that I know are also caught up in this mix too!
What more, an average Joe, like yours truly.

Yesterday, thru a simple session of bowling, I learnt that I've to be comfortable with whom I'm now.. What I may become in the future. I should not try too hard, or think too little and lose those plans.
What has worked before, you need not break it, just for the sake of 'improvement'

For me, its about living life without the weight of useless fear. Using bowling as an a real-life analogy, I was very worried about straining or re-tearing the tissues in my right forearm and wrist, however, the more worried I was, the more oblivious that my whole body was struggling to adapt; to compensate for the fear , and my release of the bowling was all over the place. I was trying to hard, switching too much.

My immediate reaction was to not think so much, and bowl... but that didn't help either. Becoz, I was still very self-conscious.

I need to bring the game that I always play. Its not reckless abandonment, but a manner of, going in , with all the best, fearing a poor performance @ the moment then the 'grey' future. I got to go ahead with 'my head on fire' of sorts. Passion!

Yup, so I have to learn that I gotta be comfortable who I'm , becoz, if no matter how much people may dislike or praise me, it has to first start with how I view myself first; and my attitude towards others would follow suite.

2006-05-29T01:43:00.000+08:00

A walking bull having constipation.

Do you know what's the feeling like to be a bull in a state of constipation. Full of s*&t!
First I start with a worry of hurting someone, instead.. I end the evening by really doing so; totally unexpectedly.
What can I say? Honestly, I hate to say things to justify myself, but my immediate reaction was to be as forthright as I could be. Bloody bulls*&t eh?
I had no intention to hurt this buddy, but well, what I've said, I can't take it back.
I didn't even know it was an issue, and a stupid stupid intention, in the end becomes a pissed off instead. In some ways, I'm glad maybe that my original plan didn't work.

Isn't this one of life's greatest lessons, the bigger fear you may have, the more you want to avoid, the more likely will happen.

I've a morbid fear of hurting people, thus I don't even meet people often..but when I've.. I 'm having such successes hurting people, and someone close to my heart no less.

Father, strike me oh Lord.
For I deserve your judgement.

2006-05-27T00:31:00.000+08:00

How do I not judge others?

Christ drew a line, let those who are blameless stand forth on one side and judge the people. And I know which divide of the line I deserve to be in.
But how do I resist the human urge to pass judgement on someone; even though I've no right to do so?
I'm in a knot, when I can still feel a fondness over a past relationship, wish the person the very best, but feel unworthy myself, and also confused that yr love(d) has chosen someone who, ironically carries similar resemblance to you. And compounding to tat, she seems to have gone back to her ways before you two were apart, therefore causing the reason that the relationship didn't work becoz she wanted to grow as simply ....reasons?

How should I run away from the desire to judge? I really am lost. To judge the intention of others, or to smear someone's name as they've done to mine.

Should I feel angry? I feel a sense of lost and pity inside left.

the judgement I've for myself is simply of a fool. I'm a fool.. People say I don't move on, or I can't get over it.. I don't know what it means to fulfill the term, getting over it, but atleast I do know I've not intention or interest to pursue a relationship, past or present. I don't live in the pain of re-living past, happy memories. I'm learning to be a happy single, focusing on God's purpose in my life. I'm a fool too, becoz I can't act to show you how I've gotten over it.. But I'm going thru it.. so I ain't avoiding or backing down from anything.

I'm sorry if I don't fit the bill of getting over it, maybe its juz becoz the issue is of my 'left-over' affection.. well.. I don' t know. Let it be. I'm not at all interested to pursue her, in fact, I don't avoid her anymore.. but even though I may be treated like glass, it would only hurt for 5 secs.. then, life goes on.

But Lord, take away the desire to judge from me. For I'm not worthy to judge, to take my past issues and make them right in my eyes. Lord... grant me peace and cause no pain anymore.

2006-05-25T01:01:00.000+08:00

Nah Nah Nah .. hey hey.. goodbye.

Goodbye.. is the hardest word for me to say.

How do u say it to someone you care, someone you never want to part from? Does it make easier to say when there's a chance we will meet again? Does it mean you will still feel the same way when we meet again?

Maybe I'm just to selfish to let things go. Or too proud to submit to inventible.

I've learnt that loving someone doesn't mean the person would be with you. That I understand. But how do I feel so wretched when people keep telling me to let it go..say goodbye and what nots. Compounded with a fear that is slowly but surely growing over me.

I talk to no-one from my heart anymore. Very soon. I may become irrelevant.

I realize that a fear in me that is growing ever so strongly. And this pain is slowly taking over my emotions.. my upswing.

What do you fear more? Loneliness or the pain of being hurt or hurting someone in a relationship.. I fear the latter. Both I do fear. But the second fear, of being hurt and hurting someone is just driving me away from people and issues.

That fear haunts me.

Sitting at the bar counter alone once again tonight.. hearing the song, "a better man".. and being served by a lady with the exact name of yr former... is really a kick in the head ( incidentally I've a huge dent in my skull for knocking into my sisters' bed ~ tsk tsk..)

in me. there's a great sense of lost. of what I don't understand.

am I stress with work? I don't think so. that stress isn't impossible to manage.

with relationships? my few friendships are working out I guess.

what with then?

I have no idea. maybe its just saying the words goodbye.

2006-05-19T17:56:00.000+08:00

How do you overcome?

the pain of separation, the fear of a future that you may amount to be simply useless...
How do I learn indifference?

when I saw an elderly man yesterday, he had great difficulty getting out of his seat, he had domestic help to assist him.. but the manner in which he moves.. in my heart I knew his pain .. ~ his pain would be my future.

and so it is.. with such a blunt future for me to behold.. I wonder sometimes, what is it worth for me to continue attaining material things or achievements that would have little or no help to that impending future.

Physical limitations aside.. slowly the stillness of my brain captures my attention. To think out of the box means a whole lot of difference to me. Am I losing my mind.. or am I just have a brain slowing down too? Yes, physical deformation is a confirmed part of my life story.. but to lose mental functionality is a whole new ball game for me.

Now, my brain is stuck. I can't seem to think of much, ideas.. make plans.. with a weird bug suppressing me, I feel a tightness in my chest.. I can't seem to have any thoughts. It doesn't help when all your joints are in-flammed. When I'm sick, I seem to be losing my mind now even.. And the worst part of it all, the symptoms of my sickness is an acute lack of energy..not sneezing or coughing.

Lord. I don't know yr plans for me. I know you've placed limitations in my life for me to know you more. Please Lord..grant me the perseverance to learn it. May I be humble to be still and not run away from your calling.

I'm at such a loss. Grant me your strength I beg you.

2006-05-12T01:04:00.000+08:00

Education Cost.

Let me forewarn all the smart alec who is considering doing what I have done.
Here's what I did.

Score 4 Distinctions for 'O' level -> decided poly was more practical.
Secured B grade average for Poly studies ->accepted to most Tier 1 Uni
Received offer for Local Uni -> rejected courses becoz the frame of my mind was off (don't ask why.. old topic)
Took an entrepreneur job... ->with current pay and possible improvements; mostly likely to afford a distance hons programme after 7 years

The What If's
Realized today.. If i went to Jc.. would have less problems getting into local Uni and follow the stream and stream of local graduates that our system produces..
If I was healthy and gotten the local scholarship.. won't have to worry abt rice bowl or further upgrading of skills..
If I was able to shrug off the after-effects of my break-up.. I may survive local Uni life..
Or if I took the better paying 9-5 jobs out there..I could afford a degree in 5 years time or less.

--------------------------------------------------
The questions begs.. is getting a degree.. a want or need?

Must I apply for the degree that cost a total of $23,000 in today's terms.. and ++ when inflation continually kicks in after 7 years..

Is getting a degree a certification that you've some form of grey matter between your ears..

Or a wonderful pick-up / introduction line when meeting others..

I shudder to think of how a prospective mother-in-law would tell a lady-love.. "honey.. he's a nice guy.. but he's not even a graduate.. how can he give u the security you'll need? "
And trust me, unless I'm worth half a million bucks.. I won't be spared this issue unless I marry north of the ASEAN border.

I've advised friends not to get a degree for the sake of getting one. Nor getting a degree for the sake of being equal with status quo..

Getting a degree becoz you've a desire to learn..a desire to challenge your mind..

That is what a degree means to me. But can I shrug off the feelings of incompetiency of not having a nice tag next to my name on my namecard.. oh well.. I don't know.. Coz, sometimes that feeling really suxs..

But wait a minute.. Does getting a degree improves the quality of my life? Most likely not; esp when I've to study for it. Getting a degree doesn't even help my focus in life. To serve God with all my heart and strength, to be a friend of others.. to lead a life of pour out wine and broken bread for his people..

Moral of this long story?

Everyone has their own paths.. the more you feel you need to comply.. ask God simply.., "Lord you lead me.. you provide for me.. in you; I lack nothing. For your plans are to prosper me. For that I will serve you till the ends of my days."

God keep me focus on you.

2006-05-09T00:33:00.000+08:00

Ever felt like screaming out..

I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
---------------------------
Loneliness is a mental sickness.
You can be prefectly crowded with people.. but feel the searing tug of loneliness..
or be perfectly overwhelmed without a single person ard you..

I don't want to be angry, lonely no more.
If it means giving up on EROs; its a price I'm willingly to pay since..
I ain't able to pay the cost to enter into an EROs relationship..
& I still believe that Love makes the world a better place..

but the pain of EROs love... of a love one just walking by as if nothing happened .. or the stark reality of my inability to be the man God has called for to love & provide for a woman.. is still too deep for me to handle beyond this day.

Don't play a game u can't afford to lose. and for that I've already lost.

2006-05-08T23:53:00.000+08:00

A wedding. A witness.

It has been a wonderful honour to witness; be involved in a friend's special personal moment in life. Nothing that I've done; for I can proudly boast of my weakness; for its in them that the glory of God has been showed.
To see men of faith understand the importance of gathering together to pray and begin the day.. the sisters praying together for the bride before she enters the ceremonial hall.. seeing brothers and sisters take up and understand the importance of prayer; to see prayers being answered is a wonderful .. wonderful honour to witness.
The spirit was amongst us. Although no planning could be perfect; the most important aspect of understanding and inviting the presence of God throughout was ever apparent. When we were tired, he gave us strength. When we were frustrated, he gave us the right people to bring us back into perspective. When the plans seems to be in tatters, he brings forth inspiration for his greater work to be in place.
As us humans, its our tendency to 'fire-fight' and bring about our solutions; but never is it more apparent that God is the answer. For every challenge God has allowed to appear, he has gently called out.. I'm here. Seek me and I'll make your work light.

If without God's love; his peace...the marriage wouldn't have happened. The wedding would have been a logistical and planning nightmare.. the helpers would have been stressed and upset with one another. But becoz he was there; he made sure all things worked for the better of his plans.

He continues to teach us; to continually show us how much more we've to learn, how much more we need to submit.. to be accountable.. to know our place in his great plans for his grand tapestry.

If a wedding is without God’s presence.. I would shudder. For then, its like going to a top class restaurant and not eat any main course. Or going for a birthday party without inviting the the birthday boy.

My Lord gave me rest. He gave me pain for a reason. Although I don’t understand nor dare to fathom his eternal plans for me; but I’ve been blessed to witness and be part of the last few days.

The glory is all his.

“Let what God has brought together, no man take it apart..”

2006-04-30T03:32:00.000+08:00

Oh Well..

I'm not writing the following to complain or point fingers at people; but hopefully anyone going thru what I'm writing can indentify with me.. and let me share with those who are on the other end.. what it feels..

background
I've been actively involved in a buddy's wedding plans; a church wedding...etc.. I've gotten feedback that as if I'm running the show~diving in to avoid things; or becoz I enjoy doing things etc...The last that I wanted to do is to mirco-manage the event.. or make it my pet project..

Well.. although alot of those talk can be said in the most candid or amusing delivery... the sting of the critical key message doesn't always lessen.

I believe that these critics have their valid points.. but sometimes; I look back.. and wonder.. in what capacity do u judge me? when its your time to do so.. do you compare your efforts and mine? I don't think its fair for either of us.

I truly appreciate the trust the couple has given to me.. but its with a sense of fear, I'm careful and appreciate that all these things are done well thru the grace of God. I've been raised at a young age to give an effort that would bring honour not to myself.. but to whom I represent.. my family.. my God. That brings me greater joy.

As for my detractors of sorts.. Well.. I'm not doing this for fun.. neither am I doing this as a busybody.. since it doesn't make sense.. with work piling up too.. If you call me a micro-manager of sorts...yesh.. I do make the effort to plan for possible scenarios.. but I'm also a staunch believer of delegation and passing on skills to our jnrs.

In plain simple.. thoughts..

I'm do my best.. becoz I believe since I've been asked to do a favour for 2 people's special occasion.. I do it to the best that I can.. and its not becoz the glory is for me.. but becoz its a celebration for 2 people that I cherish; the love and affection has been a blessing.. and I would continue to do so becoz they deserve the very best that I can give. Like faith; I've counted the cost.. and I understand the payment.. but thru it all... my decision hasn't wavered.. not do I need to lament if I don't get what people think I deserve.

There's already an honour; blessing to be involved in people's life. That's an intangible gift.. money cannot buy.

2006-04-22T00:53:00.000+08:00

Personal Insights...

>on the topic of love..

I do agree with all the additional comments given.. each brings with it a different manner of pain in the area of love... unreturned love is a common suffering many of us can identify, or the fear of taking the plunge to be vulnerable and love someone even when its seems only naturally to do so... hmm..
but for me; the grief of loving someone who once loves u, is both a beautiful but very bitter moment to be in. Its coming to an understanding that you no longer mean much to the person anymore; its the combination of unreturned love, and @ times, loves that is useless and no longer of value to anyone.

oh well.. what is love.. for we are all so limited in the understanding and giving of love to one another.. love keeps us living for a greater purpose..

>>politics..
well, I watched with great intent and interest the interview with MM Lee, and the panel of journalist and young un-informed undergrads etc.. I was amused and do appluad the candid questions asked to the MAN of S'pore. I think honestly, MM Lee is a better icon that our merlion.. but I don't he can sell much key chains.. or soft toys..

I understand the uproar caused after the interview was being telecasted. As a very young person -23 yrs going thru my first general election; I too have certain questions to ask; but I do agree that the tone and manner of questions could be much improved upon. Its unfair for the older generation to typecast all younger S'poreans (even the journalist), as ppl who love to 'bash' the leaders that have moulded S'pore. Its not the case. But neither should have the younger journalists believe that all older generation voters don't appreciate the hardliner questions asked. The issue is the manner of questioning; interrupting MM Lee when he was answering, or not even doing your basic political homework and ask questions for the sake of questioning. In fact, I appluad MM Lee's often straight and candid response to questions that I have seen other foreign leaders rebutting in anger with the same tone and questions being asked. MM Lee was cool thru out. That's political class for you.

In fact; for certain questions being asked, I was literally squirming in my seat. I couldn't imagine the navity of questions asked; such as.. "should the PAP level the political playing field?"
or "is the standards that PAP are taking too great that we have no other choice to vote PAP?" I think a bigger variety of questions should be asked, such as the mulit-racial community fabric being challenge by growing threat of inter-race and religious threats around S'pore... on the issues of PAP dangling carrots of 'upgrading' .. is that the best reason to ensure voters are kept on no choice situation; no voting of PAP, no upgrading.. that's a bigger unfair challenge.. !! Come on.. there are so many better questions to ask, then keep asking when is MM Lee stepping down. Doesn't the man and his cabinet knows he's invalueable that's why he's still there. If he love power so much, he could have stayed in power for many more years that he did..

Politics at the end of the day, isn't just some people sitting ard , then during parliment starting discuss idealogy or complaining on issues, I don't wish to have a parliment that is like the British, where they talk alot; but do very little.. neither do I wish to have people of standards that fail to represent my thougths and asiprations for S'pore. I won't vote in lower-standard candidates juz becoz I want to see a fight like the parliment in Taiwan.

Let's recognize we are S'pore. There's a saying that goes; don't break what ain't broken.
To me, the PAP hasn't drop its standards in recruiting talent, the manner in which the government responses to crisis.. and a firm leadership that is able to stand up against international pressure... that's the Singaporean leadership I would support.

->>>bottom line, politics isn't thinking of castles in the air; but building the frameworks and hard labour to ensure that we have the luxury of building our own dreams together as a nation.

2006-04-15T00:20:00.000+08:00

The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you
~Anonymous

2006-04-14T14:07:00.000+08:00

Extracts from Personality Test
Your Romantic Life
You have high standards for love, believing in one love that outshines the others. To you, successful romance has two aspects: an emotional connection based on mutual care, and doing things together that you and your partner both love. You're happy with someone who enjoys the unexpected as much as you do. You'll both be excited at the prospect of situations with an unknown outcome. You and your well-suited mate enjoy high quality conversation and fulfilling experiences together. You are deep, sincere and willing to take emotional risks. You succeed in romance when you use your intuition and intelligence to choose someone whose compatibility with you goes deeper than the surface.

2006-04-13T23:28:00.001+08:00

Personal Ad

Single, Male, 22 years, Libra.
Poor, 1.76m tall, too light for my own good ...
likes to take risk; hence POOR..
focus on value, for the moment.. memories are priceless
plans; delights in spontanteous activities...
never bothers too much to stand out, or worry abt voicing out political incorrect issues;
can't take being part of a sterotype, looks great in 'gay' colour clothes
has spinal degeneration, but loves a work-out..
can't get good insurance coverages for lifetime protection.., no security ensured!
sips wine not hard liquor..
can't spell; reasonable vocab..
prefers Jazz, smooth & chill.. n the ocassional angry crazy rock but never TRANCE!
enjoys entertaining infront of the masses; prefers cozy small crowds..
believes in friendship amongst lovers; past, present or future..
dislikes irresponsibility; loves a pro-active person..
self-confidence in self, sexuality and beliefs are so sexy; the ability to express them strongly and in their own style ~ major turn-on/captures my total attention.

Looking for someone to be my best friend; rock; joy, angel, comfort, connection.

someone that will never leave my mind, settles my heart and spurs my soul for the great prize above.

2006-04-09T00:54:00.000+08:00

Listening to People..

U know at times... what is the hardest?
hmm..i think its listening to what others have to say..

if its good and warranted.. its called advise
when its not so good good but still make sense its call feedback..
but when its not good, makes no sense..its criticism.. right?

how do you know when to listen to others, when to shut it out?

When u stop listening, u are seem to be a proud; stuck-up bitch/person etc..
but does it mean when u listen to every advise u're not a proud person too? I've heard people who proudly claim to listen to every advise given.. imagine that!

does being a good listener mean u're a great guy/gal? I don't think so.. becoz empathy is a great gift.. but there some poor souls that aren't able to shut out from listening to others ; or worst still ...can't tell the difference between good advise or poor ones...maybe sometimes it not the advise..but the person who gives it might have other motives..oh well.. we're not angels ourselves aren't we?

its never possible to aplease everyone. u only succed in making others miserable including yourself in the long run..

i'm a person who enjoys blessing others.. but yes, sometimes I do feel the bug that i'm cheap labour or being taken advantage of.. but i guess..that in some ways is me reaping and living a lifestyle that i hopes would honour God more. When I feel like crap .. i know its only becoz I'm seeing what is tangiable infront of me.. what I can't see..my treasures will be many folds over.

i guess we all have our filters to protect us.. but do check your filters regurlarly.. it may be discrimination.. or it may also something wonderful that protects you and gives u the 'winners' mentality..

Cheers.

2006-04-06T22:23:00.000+08:00

Need love ..

Who doesn't crave to be loved?
to have affection and attention showered upon...
by that someone special..

that someone who understands;
who would give the time and energy to make yr day..
tat much easier..

but do we fully appreciate the depth of such an emotion..
what is it based upon......
by needs being met?

If any, I don't deny company is what I would need most..
someone to converse.. a smile to brighten the dark days..
a warm embrace to lessen the pain of a foresaken body..

but alas.. do u find such company based on physical attraction?
for who am I to judge on this, when I'm no Bradd Pitt..
neither am I looking for the IQ of Sharon Stone..

My friends say, my taste in woman is the very simple..
the kind of people that doesn't connect to them.
how ironic isn't it?

do i need love..
who doesn't?
I'll first have to learn to love another..once again.

2006-04-06T18:57:00.000+08:00

Life in check

Time to do another check!

Love life - non-existant
Work Life- growing! 12 hours a day & counting
Spiritual Life- growing n learning that its not discipline but obedience needed
Finanical Life- can be so much better!!!
Health life - its improving.. though i wish insurance agents would believe it!!

Ramblings on love..
Its funny how that mutual friends have to be so careful when inviting a former couple for a happy occasion. Well, I really don't know what to expect.. I don't dread seeing the 'love(d) of my life'..since I see her nearly every Sunday in church, but most of the times; we treat each other as people who have grown up eating 'glass' ~ totally transparent.. It hurts .. but since this is the wish of someone I care for.. I'm gladly to do so..

but in hindsight.. sitting on the same table and not even communicating for what seems like ages.. well...it would be werid.. I pray for the uneasiness to go.. but if the uneasiness stays, i would go.. hmm..what's uneasiness ? well, to be honest, I'm most afraid that i won't be able to take my eyes off her. And tat would be so wrong isn't it! I would like to believe that we broke up due to circumstances.. but I would never know and no longer need to..

"Can't take my eyes off you." What can i do then?
well, I'm going to to plan an excuse to leave earlier.. and get drunk or busy to stop my over-active mind from doing anything stupid.. I don't trust my brain..

it took me a time to learn how to really love someone..

but to stop loving or having affection ....for the person..

well.. only God can release me.. the romance can be swept away.. the fancy lovey dovey things can be no more.. but that isn't love..

my love is imperfect. I'm so disgusted with myself that I still have love for her; but atleast.. i'm not lying to myself. If tat means, I've not moved on.. then... I've not. I still have love for her.

love need not be returned. but it needs to know its limits.

2006-04-03T23:24:00.000+08:00

Evil

do we realize that we all have the innate ability to exercise fully the evilness of our hearts?
Becoz we've all live in Sin.. the practical fact is tat we all have human wickness..we err.. no one has and will .. live a life without hurting someone; lying.., cheating or just being plain irresponsible to ourselves... wat are we then??

Does the pain in living becomes part of a fallen world that stings? Its another fact..slapped on our face. If anything, like what agent Smith in the MATRIX trilogy said; "Humans are the germs of the world. We can only consume." Can we actually create anything orginial.. beautiful from ourselves?

Should I grief on this then? No more will I.. becoz.. i understand now that man ...although created in the image of God .. by the acts of the 1st man.. Adam.. we can no longer create anything other than evil. We shouldn't be like tat. But the fact is that we're.. what we've become.

Can we try to be good? I tried countless times, thru 'discpline' to hold a temper , to serve others w/o a demand ...to be a man that reflects God's love more.. but wat have I acheieved? A tag as a gentleman? If any, I'm a tormented soul .. at times totally wonderful weak... a reflector of God ? Hmm.. I'm not even close. Never can I do it by my means.. even if I meant it with the humility of hearts.. I won't come close; becoz I'm evil; with the potential to destruct in me..

We're finite. We have an end. Does it stop at death? I don't know.. but I know suffering and pain is all that we will go thru.. and don't be surprised that the pain and suffering can be caused by our loved ones; ppl that we thought were perfect.. nah!

I've pains and bags of emotionally mis-wirings in me.. Physically pain is painful. Emotional pain is wrenching..Spiritual pain is..______.. We all have gone thru pain.. but what would it be like..to go thru it all.. over and over again.. in a willing manner!

I know what pain it is to lose a love one.. a flesh and blood.. can u imagine that you were created for a higher purpose.. a child of God.. but each time.. we do what we do in our flesh..
we inflict the same pain.. again and again to our father above...

we're evil. Let's accept that.. but let us not let evil consume us over n over again.. for we are never made for that manner.

2006-03-31T16:32:00.000+08:00

Its been some time..

Its been quite a while, since I last made an entry..
and while, i'm stuck in the impending rain @ holland village;
i find myself deciding to blog for a quick 15 minutes..
before i go back to work..

well.. i don't dread work..
its just that at times its so reactive;
i gotta discipline myself to plan more for myself and the company..

on a personal level.. getting sick and injured is never enjoyable..
neither is it the confirmation that I'll never be picked for the church league football; becoz i'm a ticking health bomb..
oh well, I do appreciate my buddy telling me in advance and in person; followed by asking me to join him as a helper.. oh well, who doesn't wish to be healthy ?

I know I do.

But I've been blessed so much too this couple of weeks.

Somehow the Lord could make use of me to meet up a primary sch mate on her first visit to Riverlife Church. I hope she had a good time; but it was all God's arrangement; since I wasn't even meant to be there at that timing.. Truly, it was a blessing to witness God's amazing arrangements in our lives.

Secondly, to have friends that are wonderful company whenever they're avaliable.. Besides the Mr & Mrs (to be) Loos, The Eugenes... and ben..; Isaac being a biz partner and friend at the same time.. of course not forgetting the 'real' lady ... Ms Yeo & the dynamic leaders in YLF.. Each in their own way; their company has kept me sane and with work that never ends..

Lastly, work is a challenge, but a challenge I know that God has open the way... he'll provide.. I pray that Isaac and I would stay faithful and we constantly pray for favour amongst our biz partners; our vendors, clients etc.. We pray that we can be faithful stewarts of the talent God has trusted us with... its all in his time!

2006-03-18T18:16:00.000+08:00

Music to send the mood..

Working on a good friends' wedding.. reminds me how much the impact music has on our lives.. The music sets the tone or vice versa..
Music is also like a gentle reminder of the past emotions;
the excitement, or the pain explain...

While, I listen to," All I ask of you" for a wedding..
I feel myself more drawn to the song, "The blower's daughter"~' I can't get my mind off u'
Hiyah yah.. yah.. Have I totally release myself from the love emotions towards the wonderful lady of my past? I don't know. I see each letter, each picture as things so precious..then maybe i've not.

But while I see her, I know I won't be able to take my mind, eyes off her..
that is why then.. I've to refuse my every impluse /desire to contact her.
Becoz I know I could miss her more.. but the simple question begs..

do I still know her? do you still know someone ...years later?

I don't know. Alas.. its not for me to ponder over..

I've a wedding to help plan.. its now.. more songs that celebrate the joy and beauty of love instead.. who knows..

one day, the knot in my heart would finally unravel itself.. and I'll be able to understand n share romantic love once again.

2006-03-14T11:48:00.000+08:00

You just might find..

While..
in the midst, of the everyday hassle;
going through countless paperwork;
fighting battles, that are deem lost cause;

you might just find..

That
the efforts exhausted for reasons unknown;
the hours spent planning;
the lifestyle you desire so much...

>>>it all fades away...

The obivious may fade away..
The expensive may only be an inflation of a season..

What is really worthwhile is usually the under appreciated..
The unseen efforts.. the unyielding calling.

It doesn't matter when and where you started this journey;
but the manner you conduct yourself throughout it, your goal at the end of the line..
and of coz.. not forgetting to enjoy the journey along the way..

becoz you may just find..

treasure(s) in your path

2006-03-12T15:29:00.000+08:00

Thanksgiving for the pain

Thank you my father, for its when you take all things away from me,
when I'm left hope-less, lonely, and even unable to have the guile to rationalize anymore;
i come to the simple conclusion...that you're all i want, all i ever need to live on..

Like any parent that would discipline a child, it hurts you to put us through the same suffering; even though its nothing compared to your own son's..becoz you love us.
Like a parent who though evil know how to give good gifts to their child, what more you have instore for us..

Its true, that sometimes, absence makes the heart fonder over the lost days,

but as somethings.. .you gotta let go.. stop living in the past; and relate with the present, the hope & future.

juz as sometimes, you gotta release it, stop seeing or hearing the past; so that it would be easier to let go.. and let God take control. ( i so have to remind myself!)

Loving someone attractive is easy, loving someone in need is gracious, but to love someone afar, not matter what; come what may...it can be divine.. Thank you father for reminding me today;

Becoz there's nothing we can ever do to make you love us any less.. nor more..for your love is PERFECT.

2006-03-09T09:25:00.000+08:00

Life Rolls on..
First & foremost, let me share this simple reminder song in our lives..
that well, we don't get what we want.
we find something else

You can't get what you want, Chorus

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need

You can't always get what you want (no, no baby)
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need, ah yes...

-----------------------------

Just when things start falling into place for some 'stability'
I end up with more questions in life, with new challenges...
then when i come thru; battered & bruised..
i find myself weaker than before...
slower, more confused..
how i look back at my youth, and could give thanks..

Am i too young to start having a mid-life crisis?
Challenges don't stop coming; as sure as the sun rises in the east;
they seek me.. if not, I would ...
how Lord, do I carry on each day..
w/o falling at your feet?

I don't know Father what I really want anymore.. but I know you would also give me what I need.

2006-03-04T18:58:00.000+08:00

Being Idealistic

The more I spent time to reflect and and wonder about my ideals, plan and attitudes in life.. I realize the simple fact of another trait in my personality.

I'm woefully idealistic.

I treat people the manner I felt they deserve, I spent too much attention on what may yield little return. I believe in a world of 'mary poppins' ~ a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down.

Maybe I'm just numb and out of touch with reality. Although I have plans in life, I tend to sway too much or as some would say; "Shane, you think too much; esp for others!" ..this causes me to be hurting others, and myself..

I say this not as a boast, but as a pure sign of stupidity on the manner.

How then could people say I've maturity in any sense? I understand how the world works, how people reacts.. but the manner in my response.. is generally deem as .. unreal. ~ maybe that is why even after so long, many people felt I've not moved on in my life after my past relationship.

Although I don't feel define by the comments and observations made by my seniors, I stress on myself these days to listen and be obedient... for the mere fact that I'm too confused and lack the right mentally capability to handle the issues on my own.

The book i'm reading reminds me to cross the 'river Jordan' when it appears, but oh well.. have the rivers come and gone by? I'm painfully fearful of crossing at the wrong timing .. but in life, nothing is assured. Nearly nothing isn't it?

oh well... Lord.. please grant me wisdom that I don't hurt the people you've blessed me with.

No longer please.

2006-02-27T01:35:00.000+08:00

Missing an Open Goal.

Today on the pitch, I had the best chance of the match that didn't result in a goal. In a match that ended 3-3.. it was a horrible miss. Thank goodness for my strike partner not missing a easy chance to level the match. It was heart-wrenching.. but overall, I think it was the best performance this year personally. I better working on my finishing!!

Missing an open goal seems to be such a good topic to write about, I end up bloggin on this at 1.38am on a Monday. I should be getting some rest.. but I was lying in bed and the only thing I felt like doing was to update with this entry.

God has been good. So good as always. So much to give thanks and pray about.

Being a partner in a newly established firm is no fun at times. Esp when u realize that your firm doesn't qualify for different finanical schemes that are meant to help newly establish SMEs.. but the constant process to pray and have God in our business plans have been such a wonderful blessing in my own life journey too. But God has been so good. Every opportnunity that he has opened and shown for us; he has allowed the resources to be avaliable. Not in the sense like magic, but just enough.
Just 2 months ago, I was searching for distributors for our Organic Snacks.. and to my dismay there weren't many distributors interested in organic snacks. It seem like a lost cause.. But God listened and answered our prayers. Although it wasn't obivious, but when I gave thanks recently, God gently showed me his fulfillment of our prayers. Surely, God's blessing was at times so subtle, that we could miss it.

In terms of relationships with others; esp in the manner of a life partner.. How timely and well written the articles were in the New paper on Sunday. In it, the journalists wrote about great man (s) such the late President, Mr. Ong T.C and others who had the wonderful support and love from their life partners. Thus, when their partners left, how the devasation hasten their departure. In a very morbid way, it was romantic. Its like Love in that manner seems so impossible in this 'throw-away' society that we practise these days. When SATC tells u that, Mr Big can't be faithful for some seasons, but he'll be back to rescue u on the last eposide ( the only eposide I seem to have watch from start to end!).. in between sleeping and exchanging partners, you will finally settle for one..its something that begins to plant a seed of mistrust in the mechanism of love these days.

I understand deeply what it means to have a love one leaving and feeling cut-off. in fact, i believe half the contents of this past blog would have been me, whining, or crying out my heart regarding the missing the 'loved' ones no longer around. My friends call me foolish .. But I know deep in my heart, I may just continue to love this person in a manner; no longer romantic but with a sense of admiration and thanks-giving for her involvement and support in my past. The cut-off feeling was so unbearable at times. These days it is re-visited whenever after church service ends, and I'm alone. Not sure where to go. Speak to mutual friends and feel awarkard or just leave the scene. Many times, I do the latter.

Its like a low-blow when she walks by, and you dearly wish to say even a simple hi... and then u remembered the following reasons," I'm strongly pressured to cut all communications with you.. until our relationship is truly over".. this statement coming after my dear lady telling me pretty clearly that she had gotten over me. I thank her for her honesty. But I don't know if I should feel angry or plain disgust. U see, after the break-up..everyone just keep telling us to keep our distance etc. Soon, we don't even talk..and miscommunications instead take place. Gosh, those were painful moments. These days, I choose not to communicate with her, becoz of the 1st statement in this paragraph. If I love her enough to let her go, then it should be possible to just cut the communication from her. Maybe its the best for the both of us. But when she walked by today, I was like invisible.. that feeling was worst that missing an open goal. Worst than being kicked in the nuts. I wasn't even asking for a kiss. But the plain .. ignorance was just too clear & ..decisive.

Health wise..its still ding-dong...I'm truly amazed by my dear cell members' confidence that my condition can be stablized. He's the first and only doctor that prays for you on a Friday cell night and then re-aligns your spine on a thursday afternoon. I really wish to appreciate him better..but is a simple thank-u enough??? I don't know..but I do knoe, my condition has improved becoz no longer am I taking posion to control pain. i endure n live thru it better now..

Let me end, with the amazement of God's planning. When I was enjoying being single esp my bank account...proudly asking for affirmation to live a swinging bachelor lifestyle to the end of my days and rubbishing thoughts of starting a family again.. God allowed a sister to come into my life ... and change and challenge it once again. She's great company. Even though, I gave her several bad dates.. she didn't complain. In fact, her maturity makes her stand out so much.

But for now, I rather still remain single. The burden of sickness, the desire not to be a burden..the lack of confidence to provide security..the broken shattered dreams of the past.. all these..well make me unwillingly to pray for a marriage partner. W/o that desire, i guess I wouldn't step in another relationship. I'm constantly praying for the broken and detorating ones to be blessed. Anything has been a bonus.

I'm learning to enjoy the oasis again. Thank u miss. Thank u father for all the wonderful plans.

In u .. I trust.

2006-02-18T00:35:00.000+08:00

The Lord never ceases to Amaze

Father, you never cease to amaze me.
When, I felt that bad days couldn't get worst, you allow more than what I expected to dread.. to become worst.
But you're faithful. You remember my tears n prayers.
You lift my spirits up with a twist of events.. becoz only u can do so.
You've place people in my life that I would have missed if not becoz you chose to allow it.

i stopped believing in luck when your son came into my life.
Nothing is luck. Providence is only part of your greater plans.
Thank you so much for blessing me even in these dark days..
with friends who understand and are mature over my mistakes.
For a lovely lady who suprises me despite giving her endless bad 'dates'...
for her to understand my fear of being a burden and still allow me to grow and explore your plans for me..
Lord, you know my needs more than I can image.

you never cease to amaze. Even in my pain now, I enjoy worshipping you.
Not becoz the sun seems to shine in my life now, but becoz u're always here for me.

I'm amaze by you once again.

2006-02-14T22:57:00.000+08:00

Detours in Life..
Imagine>>
When you felt ready to run..
you make all the preparations.. stretches.. even make all the prayers.
then..you start running..
alittle pain.. and it gets worse..
till u can run no more.
never again.
What happens next then?

i've been battling a lack of self-worth, a deeping well of self-pity.. not since the break-up of my past relationship.. but ever since I realized that life would never be the same again.. Degeneration is a real.. happening reality of my life.

Lord, I struggle now so much to worship you.. but I know you're good in my life. You protect me, you allow the pain in the body for a purpose I don't understand.. you never would allow anything the devil can do in my life w/o your loving watch over my life.

But still I struggle. I see the oasis along the way. The fulfillment of your promise. But in my heart I crave more. I crave a 'normal' life.

I crave a life w/o physical pain anymore. I want to be able to run again. To jump w/o fear of causing irrerversible damage. To stop taking drugs.. to NOT have drugs ruin my life and confidence. To approach a relationship w/o the weight of being a burdent to anyone.

~My first business trip overseas.. business meetings went well, but everything else Lord.. I struggle to accept it as acceptable worship onto u. I didn't know 3sec was all it take to cause such damage. I could blame myself for the pride to drive still under the influence of drugs.. I curse upon my pride. Lord, if you weren't there, for me to go your kingdom would have been fine; but to bring a mentor with me .. the blood on my hands is something I can't live with. I promised not to take drugs to relieve the pain; but I can't do it anymore. 9 hours in a car. Feeling every brake.. the pain of paralysis.. has diluted my ability to focus on my mission on this trip.

Lord.. I plead onto you. I pray this detour and submit all these under your divine lordship. I need your grace and peace everymore.

2006-02-09T00:45:00.000+08:00

Little Surprises.

It wasn't 'aimlessly' walking; but
an opportunity to understand you better..
funny how your friends all left so quickly..

but thank u for sharing your backdoor oasis..

it was a cool evening to walk and just chat.

cool.

2006-02-05T23:25:00.000+08:00

BEING THANKFUL

I'm learning once again to be earnest and thankful for the gift of the present and await for the excitement of the future. In fighting for the chance to live in the future, holding onto the promises in the good book ; its a refreshing challenge.
But its with great amusement that I make the latest update over this journey.

Chinese New Year was a time to chat alot, but mine was full of afternoon naps at releative places.. boy, lazing around or hiding in the corner of the sofa was my way out of 'catch22' situations. Haha. It was good so far.. except for the amazing outbreak that has happen.. my face seems to be evolving into a map of the tropics, with islands forming anywhere... Hiyah.. and I washed my face atleast 2 a day!! Maybe a discussion of pimples is better than anything.. Hmm, I gotta thing of a pick-up line using PIMPLES!

Going for a new round of treatment with Dr Nelson will be another hallmark of this journey. I don't know if I've renew hope, but when you know the doctor on a personal level, and he prays with you too for recovery, I guess then my body isn't about clingying on a hope.. or a single purpose, becoz my recovery isn't in any form a work to define the good doctor, neither is it an act of desperation. Somehow, I sense's God divine grace in all that is happening. And that makes the difference.

The sermon today, on the terms of Friendship was an answer to my prayers. I was crying out to the Lord, I sense that, we the people were losing the essence of friendship and what it meant. I wish I could be leading a crusade in these issues; but in this world of 'throw-away' society.. the value of friendship and honour seems to be too 'noble' a cause. And I was glad that it was taught in a light-hearted manner with serious punch in it. Interested to kown more?.. then visit Riverlife church then. :)

I wish I could spend more hours on my knees praying for my friends, for my love one, for my family.. But I've run out of execuses.. I need the conviction and strength to do so. For he knows my every cry.. my tears and troubles are laid bare before him. He's my King. I've no honour. No valour upon my name. Nothing I've I can declare are of my own strength. For he is in my soul, my blood and my spirit.

I gotta keep my knees and head bow before the righteous King. Amen

2006-02-01T01:07:00.000+08:00

Fighting from Victory

Well, here are my random thoughts over this CNY,
for a start, it has been a blessed one, to see old friends, relatives in good health & cheerful spirits. But 1 thing I do notice, is the 'warmer' feeling over the festive season. Unlike the last few festive occasions, where I would feel downright miserable, I'm abit more intune, more aware and more at peace during this season. At the very least, I'm not shying away from crowds or finding a place for my thoughts and creating a " my space".. thank you for my cell group's love and encouragement too.

In fact, I would love to give thanks for the chance that the Lord brought to me, by his divine planning to be at the place at his timing to get a book on his reminder of purpose and direction during this lost season of mine. I don't believe that there's the Right book to solve our problems, but through no-one but the divine spirit was I being lead to purchase and read this book ... that speaks and encourages my soul.. the book is," Walking with God on the road you never wanted to travel" by Atteberry .. I do hope with discpline I would finish reading this book.. but I would recommend this book if you're through a period in life where you feel so lost esp in a season when you feel, why am I lost in this journey.

Writing a memoria seems rather appealing but alas its to fulfill vanity on my part. What wisdom do I've to share. What struggles tat would be extra-ordinary to consider.. hmm, but alas, I know my saviour cares. I know that there are a group of people that would bother to say hi, 1 and only friend that would send Greeting cards ... I'm truly blessed from being in their thoughts. The book of my life is being constantly written and recorded in heaven. :)

I do nothing for others, then for what they can do in return nor becoz I'm good enough.. Its much more than that. Its the realization of the love from God and the community of love; the 2nd commandant.. to love one another .. that makes things true.

My apology to friends who have sent greeting smses, cheers and laughters. I'm sorry that I end up resting on your couches instead of making merry conversations.. Give me time, and I believe the Lord's work at hand is redefining me and re-fining his pot of gold in his time.

Cheers.

2006-01-24T22:27:00.000+08:00

Where do I find myself again?

I have no health; no wealth.
Neither looks nor strength.
Wat would you see in me?
Unfullfill potential or energy to be tapped..

Guts or glory?
Pride or stubborness to carry things thru action.

I won't quit. Not least it becoz of pride.

Am I ever going to be good enough..
strong enough, experience to bring it all together?

I know by myself, I won't be good enough.
BUT I gotta stop giving myself execuses ..

Right in the middle.

Today, this verse called out to me.

"For the rest, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are noble, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are amiable, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue and if any praise, think on these things. " (DBY) - Paul to the Philippians.

2006-01-21T12:14:00.000+08:00

Becoz love,

is patient; that is what I always waited to hear from you not others,
is kind; that is why I bother to make the effort to say hello,
doesn't boast, that is why I kept away from others,
is not rude, unlike others who have been back-stabbing for their own advantage,
is not self-seeking, that is why I said you could leave to own your faith,
is not easily angered, even when I see what promises becomes 'nought,
keeps no record of wrongs, I've a treasure full of beautiful experiences only..
does not delight in evil, I keep you in my prayer each night..
rejoices with the truth, you're growing as a person.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always.."

Seems, that a love nutured over 4 years can be removed or replace in less than a quarter of its time, then I know you would have greatest of diffculty of loving me for the person I'm, was and can be. If you need to love a person for who he/ she can be for you; such as company, shared interest etc.. that is might fine, but the anchor of your affection would be what the person can provide for you. The loving feeling the person can give you and you can feel for the person. The committment of love is a by-product for months and years of being together, until a decision becomes, marriage or break-up.. But the question remains; could you love the person for the person; as how Christ loves us.
Christ loves us even when we're sinners. When we've gone astray from him for years ... when we mock him.. when anger him. True love isn't loving just the act or the provision of the person, but a deep committment and order to respect; honour; cherish; and be with the person; come what may.

Exactly becoz I love the person, I said yes for her to go. Becoz, there is love, I stay away from her. In the love I undertstand, I pray for her still; regardless if she feels anything more for me. Love isn't possession. Its not asking for a return. My love understands that God loves her more than me. Cherishes her more than I can ever have.

Love is a very natural extension of a relationship of love between man and God.

2006-01-18T00:05:00.000+08:00

Losing the Loving feeling Fragmented thoughts..

Oh well, I'm not writing to whine, but alas,
I need an avenue to write, to release.. to push things out;
and to view my stupidity.

To look back and see the amazing wonders God can be in my life.
If only that happens sooner, before the intervention of my impatience or ignorance.

I'm fearing the pain; stretch over a period of time..
losing the loving feeling. Not the love feeling. The LOVING FEELING..

At my darker hours, the Lord reassure me in his love for me;
his design for me, his call for me..
but alas it has become blurred; tired.. hard and near impossible to follow..
this journey of faith..the finishing line.disappearing from me.
What more can I ask for ? When all that I need is given in place for me???

I know the Lord's gift and moulding of my personality is from above;
and I'm far from the finished article, for his constant moulding should continue till I'm in the mould of his service.
but I've gone drained; lost becoz I've not been consistent in my time with him.. for I sense the past hurts from my emotions too raw when I'm with him alone. How can this be? My disobedience ??? (BONDAGES!! )

Losing the Loving feeling for me; is losing the confidence, unable to bounce back from setbacks..
instead I feel like I'm sinking like a bowling ball in a near dried-well.

Losing the passion of life..; its not fearing of death.. but the essence of life itself.
Death would be such sweet release. But that's the coward's way of ending it all..

I'm a failure. I sense my faith growing to lukewarm..
Neither do I've the passion to chase after him; nor the guts to leave him totally.
A wuss.. Of many things I know of; it seems this I know what I want... but I ain't got it going.

Now with the right arm losing its strength, the fear of even losing its ability just like my spine is a fear I'm grasping so tightly with. And to make the stupid mistake today; though it may seem small, but to me.. a simple act like that.. I can screw it up..
what has become of me? What kind of testimony have I to be > a broken torn canvas that only he can make it art..

I need that teacher ... to wake n jolt me up. To stay with me thru this journey; but have I become too proud to ask? I don't know. I can't even muster the hmph..

But i do know 1 thing, giving up; turning in my wings.. is a disgrace to the cross on calvary.

2006-01-15T15:16:00.000+08:00

No turning back

Before its too late,
get back in line ..
before destruction goes on,
domino effect; spilling uncontrollably

back to basic..
wat do you believe?
why carry on the journey,
hastening the end result..

Sun shines brightly now,
and thunderstroms continue to form..
the earth trembles..
destruction begots another day..

I believed in lies,
living in an Illusion right now,
who do i trust..
where do I turn to?

To God, in him we trust;
alas..my spirit is broken,,
crying endlessly..
tears that bring little comfort..

The end of joy is grief,
Smiles can't mask the pain away;
to feel like A King Kong of Fools..
grabbing aimlessly; climbing to an end..

What does your people preach?
That I can get back at it...
I know I won't be the last one,
can I've a 'release' please?

I need your touch;
refreshed .. speaking to my life..
to believe in me again with u in it..
do you hear anymore????

do you father?

2006-01-13T01:06:00.000+08:00

~~Love lessons 1-0-1..~~

Love is easy, when all is bright & sunny..
when the birds are singing, when all things go smoothly..

Love is beautiful, two lovers hand-in hand..
the future, the possibilites.. the hope..

Love begots strength, awesome faith..
it tames the wild, breaks the proud..

Love is about Passion, Truth..
Discipline..what is Good..

But when the dark clouds arrive...
rain falls..lightnings strike across the lover's sky..

the sun no longer shines,
scars are uncovered; the secert garden found..

... its easy to love the lovable.
its easy to love the meek.

but are we ONLY called to love these people?
what is compassion? It ain't define by $$

Love is patient, love is kind........love changes things.

Can love change you? Can you love more than your sweetheart.. the one that hurts you. the one that makes you scream in pain? Can your love for someone else change others.. can your love for people simply say his message..

"Christ is love, how wonderful is his love for me.. his love for you."

Nobody ever said love is easy. But love is alive !

2006-01-05T08:47:00.000+08:00

think about what you really want.

Hey Bud,
I know you often do read this blog abit, thus I thought I should reply you here. Don't know if what i write will be relevant, but since God has put me through it.. maybe there're for a purpose.

Its funny, what you asked me, was so similar to what I went thru, but for the matter, the roles were reversed. Therefore, I can't exactly guide you, but I'm sharing from the other perspective.

I think for 2 people in a long-term committed relationship, there needs to have more than love. Love is the main dish. But you would need other staples in your diet of the r/s. Love has the power to forgive and disslove all things, but it takes other techniques, maturity and even at times a self-ness to make the relationship work. Personalities play a big part, but I think at the end of the day, I think for a committed relationship, both parties should usually have the 'we' thinking and not the 'I'. I strongly believe, once the 'I' mentality takes over.. esp in important decisions.. then, yeah, it could lead to bigger problems in your relationship. This is highly unhealthy. But knowing that your current relationship has been for a while, then I think you would know abit more what I mean. But communicate your issues. Keeping it under wraps and then declare one day, you need a break-up becoz of these issues is very unfair. You're only hurting the person you love.

You mention about the 'tireness' factor. I don't know about my ex-darling, but even till now, I think I've not grown to wander in my 'keeping my eyes for you' attitude. I'm not sure if its discipline, but I do remember 1 thing, way back in the 1st year plus of my realtionship(ed), she gave me a book entitled," Don't sweat the small things in love" and it was a very educational book. One of the greatest teaching was to understand that the grass isn't greener on the other side. Instead, learn to truly appreciate and enjoy the growing personalities being evolved over time. Your partner, I believe is very unique and beautiful in her own way. Don't be clouded that what is new, can be better. It could be. But more importantly, when you say you love this person, its loving the person, through the periods of imprefection, the days of anger.. boredom.. etc.. inside us, we can love this person this manner, becoz honestly, "do to others what, you want others to do to you".. this is a love principal. You've to keep going back at it.

Lastly, you talked about taking a 'breather' or break and patch.. thingy. Well, wat are you afraid of? OR more importantly what are you planning for? Up till today, I understood what was the 'reasons' for my break-up.. but I understand that may only be more of a execuse than a reason. The fact is, it hurts !!! Amazing pain.. but not only from my ex-es, but like teenagers, there're a hundred bad break-up reasons or what. I think a mutual break-up is best, when both parties know that it won't work. To me, if this thought has been flashing through your mind, then please communicate it. You may think, keeping quiet would help. No.. it wouldn't. Becoz the very likely scenario is that your actions would have already hinted to your partner about your consideration. Talk about it soon. If not, once your partner brings it up, then.. she's only likely talking about it and agreeing to it becoz she is believing that what she's doing is the best for you. I don't think that is the honourable way to treat a person nor a relationship Be real. Even if you're a lady, if you truly love your partner, but there are some issues, even if its abit more personal, you've to communicate or allow the issue to be resolve over time, for quick fixes are only for furniture!

Its nothing wrong to me to ask for a second chance. We all make mistakes in the 1st place. But remember, 2 wrongs don't make a right. Don't expect an immediate return from her either. But the likelyhood you might consider the person again is there if the break-up was over circumstances.. but it takes 2 mature people to say, I want to give it another try. I never had the opportunity to do so, so I don't think I can say much, but from what I understood, people who have 'renewed' the relationship usually are much stronger.. and have a good marriage, becoz they've treasure and reaffirn their choice to be together.

Don't let money nor other worldly issues affecting your relationship to the extend of breaking point. Once its over, please continue to treat the person with the utmost love and respect that you can; however bad the break-up was.

That is all. My thoughts and prayer are with you through this period too. May i pray that you've wisdom to go through it all, and the strength to withstand all the challenges ahead.

Your bud.

2006-01-01T01:27:00.000+08:00

I've an expectation this coming new season.

To grow stronger.

In any means, available.

In the manner that pleases God.

To shed the skins of the past.

To fight on this journey.....

A new battle begins.