Finding sustainable middle ground.

From hardly spending much time at home, to becoming a hermit, I've gone end to end from one extreme to the next.

It was not too many seasons ago, life for me revolved around the people in my life. Relationships seem to be like summertime, the weather was all bright and sunny; the birds were chirping away, and every plan, career or financial had 'WE' in each life-long commitment. Then, winter came. I turn to find solace in God for my soul, and work for my waking hours. Burying myself with work, in any means or forms was the most practical manner to take away attention and energy. It was pretty successful. At the end of 2 years, with no holidays and mental rest, my mental sharpness starting to dip. At the expense and disguise of work, I shy away from relationships and quite honest bear little desire to maintain relationships that ebbed away.

Now, no longer in employment, and with 'We' being inapplicable to plan ahead, I'm in middle ground. A little lost to say the least. I often remind myself these days, that I need to start planning and living life for my own self. I gotta be more responsible with my own time, my own goals, and not be conscious with how it might affect people. Little by little, I need to embrace a more individualist desire to compete. Live life not just struggling through the bread and butter issues, but to live life and be comfortable with a touch of personal extravagances.

Growing up, I had a collective mentality. In my youth, I joined numerous sporting teams; enjoying the camaraderie , the joy and sorrow of winning and losing together. In the team atmosphere, there was a strong group identity, security, affection and the pressure of winning shared not just in an individual but a pursuit for glory as a team. Thus, in big team sports such as soccer, basketball or even frisbee, I fancy myself as the playmaker, the one that made others look good.
Maybe I wasn't very good at that, for in truth, my finer sporting moments came in individual or sports that required just another partner. High stake matches, were my personal favorite. I guess, that's where the maverick part of me is unleashed. When I compete tentatively, more often, I end up getting my butt kicked. Somehow, it seems playing it safe doesn't work for me.

Is there a manual out there to calibrate myself with the elusive balance for optimal performance. There needs to be enough individual drive and goals to compete and live life fully without becoming a narcissist jerk. Now, won't that would be a great Christmas gift ?