Stir & Shaken

Professionally and personally, I've dried up. Out of ideas, out of sorts.
I am at a loss of words to describe how I feel inside, the daily wars that rages in my mind has taken its toll.

I don't fully comprehend the reasons that have led me to this state of my life, but I know with complete conviction that it needs to stop soon before it consumes my being. How things have become they way they are --- Is there a bigger cosmic reasons besides the simple notion of being plagued with 'bad luck' or I'm suffering from poor perception that allows me to become a reactor of circumstances instead of planning ahead and making this happen.

Bit by bit, the burden becomes heavier. In a couple of days, I'll be a student once again. Misery pilling on misery? Only time will tell.

For many years, I've be intentionally keeping my perceptive in life as a pitcher that is Half-full But now, going through various setbacks and several note-worthy mistakes, the attention on my weakness, the effort to make those corrections and working on things that aren't really my shape have zapped my energy and taken away my focus....

I would love to leave it all behind. Like an exuvia, leaving behind my old skeleton, and moving ahead in life with renewed vigor and priorities. I'm not the best at moving on, because I take things like my work too personally, and often find myself stuck at the sentimental fix.

In the next few months, I'm going to challenge myself to leave things behind. "Left behind, but not forgotten." I'm a relator & a learner. I need to be free to move on. I don't wish to stagnant, and become the next hotspot for the ades mosquito.

God, I've placed my trust, my confidence, my identity in you. And for far too long, my relationship with you have been at best luke warm. It is no surprise therefore that I'm lost in my identity and my future. Please renew me and bring me back to the place of the intimacy we shared. Amen.