Bleah!

Have you ever feel like you're working but far from optimal speed? Like a desktop that needs a disk defragmentation, thoughts have been weighing heavily on my mind. The more I don't wish to think about it, the more it pops up!

I struggle with these thoughts, knowing that I've to relinquish them and not indulge in it, but little by little they remove my sharpness from my daily activities.

1. Thoughts of how to get myself to work better, to know what I truly want and the purpose of my existence. The nitty-gritty of it all. Sy Rogers call us the HERO generation. I feel like one who is far from destiny.

2. Repelling people. It is one thing to be secure enough to have meals alone, staying home or even go shopping alone. But now, its become a regular comfortable routine for me. It feels at times that I'm living on personal island in this little sunny island. You know the feeling of being lonely while being stuck in a crowd. The worst of it all, up till recently, I felt there was nothing wrong with it.

3. Work became an acceptable excuse. I ain't lying about it. Bit by bit, I enjoyed being alone in the office, walking away at the end of church service. It isn't about being unfriendly, but simply having no longer having a desire to strike up conversations with people.

And then it struck me how much I've changed. I loved conversations. Knowing, appreciating, understanding different personalities, beliefs and perspectives. But now with "work", its seems a lazy acceptable form of excuse to avoid people.

4. Relationships. The heck-care attitude. If its there, its there. Why should I bother investing when the rate of return seems to be a loss anyway. Its not that I don't care, but I'm asking myself, what can I contribute these days? What right do I've to take up people's time? Simply, I've become lazy and even avoid develop meaningful relationships.

Looking back, I wonder, which relationships are worth another chance, which ones, I gotta let go. Sigh! Besides flashing a smile and saying the usual greetings, the numbers of friends that I've, may not go beyond the half a dozen.

5. These days, a little storm in brewing inside of me. I feel a sense of anger, believing that I've the same very right to be on the soccer pitch, since I've fulfil all the pre-set team requirements. To train on my own, to arrive on the pitch on time, to be a team-player, to make myself available each time at a cost more than I can bear. How do I justify to myself when I feel being over-looked? Am I not fit to contribute more than the mere minutes given?

Taking a step back, I'm asking myself today, what right do I have to be even angry? Am I not of the weakest in health, am I not alive and well by the grace of God.

Why have I disintegrated into an ungrateful donkey? What has happened?

My life hasn't reached the pits of "The pursuit of happyness". But that movie taught me that our happiness isn't some God-given right. Theologically speaking, peace is a gift from God. But to find happiness and meaning, we've to play our part. I aint' trying to be drama mama about it, but when you know that there is more to life than the current niggling struggles, I feel that I just need to break free to really be ALIVE.

Uh.. this song from King David, spells out the cry of my heart.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."
-Psalm 51:10-12 - NIV

Lord. Sustain me. please.