Counting my blessings.

Its my annual ritual of the year. Counting my blessings to keep me rooted, and hopefully gain reasonable perspective of what has passed over..and what is to come.

Relationships..
I reflect on my past actions, I realize I'm guilty of having unrealstic expectations and simply at times doing things that are resonable within my standards but are considered too much in other people's opinions = "trying too hard"
Not too long ago, I did something utterly stupid that till this day, bugs me. Well to cut the long story really short, in an utterly bad move, in an attempt to lose my nervousness for a lady, I think I've did the suicidal things.. hence my current motto is.. “you better keep to yourself before you do even more damage.” Haha. I think I'm pretty good at that @ the moment. Scaring those that may have the potential to become firm friends with my bundle of nerves translated to utter stupidity. Maybe I should stop trying even. Alas, I've restricted myself to saying the occasional hello; so as to save some 'face' or at least not become the irate from hell for others.

But I've been so blessed too. Each year, I received a birthday card, most likely the only one that I would receive this year. This particular card would warm my heart and also remind me how I never felt I deserve it. A friendship that last a span of 14 years, above and beyond my other relationships. This dear friend and I hardly exchanged a single word since last Christmas. Purely through God's blessing, that we can still often remember each other. A part of me feels guilty of not doing more, but I've come to realize.. when it comes to relationships, its not only about the "do" factor but the intangibles like "chemistry, fate" all these extend beyond plain words. Sometimes, not doing much, does not mean you don't care either.

Finances.
Do dollars make sense? I think by a quick straw poll, I should be one of the bottom of my peers building a financial nest for ourselves. I would admit immediately that I'm no scrooge, neither am I the biggest spender. I think I've been blessed with just enough. But I'm certain that before the Lord blesses me with aplenty.. I've to challenge myself to be a better steward of my finances. Does that mean, saving more money? I don't think so. My perspective is simply to maximise the best use of the finance being in my possession. If its to save, then it will be. If its to invest, to bless or to give it away, I've to learn prudence and obedience. Finance will continue to be a tool that the Lord will prune me for many years to come.

Fellowship
Before you start having thoughts that fellowship are usually in the context of Christian groups, let me bring perspective that fellowship is simply a group of peers (or a mix) that are a place to learn and share time together amongst other things. Yup, like Frodo and the Fellowship of the Ring.
For a couple of months, I have been terrified, sick in the stomach when being placed in a social setting of a big group of people; even those whom I know well. Its purely psychological. I remember the last nightmare was a gathering of friends. They kept asking about my ex-gf and when we’re getting married... Etc.. The pressure was unbearable. Even till today, I find myself having to share a simple story of how a love that is not meant to be realized in marriage.
But, slowly, by meeting more people, and pushing myself out of comfortable ‘coward’ shell, things will improve.
After all, I’m pretty clear from the message above that I’ve to live a life that I’m design for; denying myself is denying the creator’s plans for me.
So that’s why I’m trying to make a last minute plan for those who have been part of my life this year, to share with me a toast for the upcoming years ahead!

.......my prayer for tonight.

O Lord, I thank you for your hand has been gentle towards me. You’ve shield me from storms and tribulations beyond my capabilities. You’ve made me realize your majesty, your infinite grace and love for me and the people I love dearly. There’s nothing I can do for you to love me more, for me to earn the grace I need so desperately each day. You know of my deepest desires, my personalities and plans are woven by your intricate hands. Only you have the patience to hear my rants, my constant denials of my God-given abilities and responsibilities. You have brought people who have been a reflector of your awesome love. Above all , you understand me best, and without you, I would have easily lost the script of the role that I’m to play.
May I learn to carry my cross inspired by your love and be worthy of hearing those words I long to hear from you.

Amen