Losing the Loving feeling Fragmented thoughts..

Oh well, I'm not writing to whine, but alas,
I need an avenue to write, to release.. to push things out;
and to view my stupidity.

To look back and see the amazing wonders God can be in my life.
If only that happens sooner, before the intervention of my impatience or ignorance.

I'm fearing the pain; stretch over a period of time..
losing the loving feeling. Not the love feeling. The LOVING FEELING..

At my darker hours, the Lord reassure me in his love for me;
his design for me, his call for me..
but alas it has become blurred; tired.. hard and near impossible to follow..
this journey of faith..the finishing line.disappearing from me.
What more can I ask for ? When all that I need is given in place for me???

I know the Lord's gift and moulding of my personality is from above;
and I'm far from the finished article, for his constant moulding should continue till I'm in the mould of his service.
but I've gone drained; lost becoz I've not been consistent in my time with him.. for I sense the past hurts from my emotions too raw when I'm with him alone. How can this be? My disobedience ??? (BONDAGES!! )

Losing the Loving feeling for me; is losing the confidence, unable to bounce back from setbacks..
instead I feel like I'm sinking like a bowling ball in a near dried-well.

Losing the passion of life..; its not fearing of death.. but the essence of life itself.
Death would be such sweet release. But that's the coward's way of ending it all..

I'm a failure. I sense my faith growing to lukewarm..
Neither do I've the passion to chase after him; nor the guts to leave him totally.
A wuss.. Of many things I know of; it seems this I know what I want... but I ain't got it going.

Now with the right arm losing its strength, the fear of even losing its ability just like my spine is a fear I'm grasping so tightly with. And to make the stupid mistake today; though it may seem small, but to me.. a simple act like that.. I can screw it up..
what has become of me? What kind of testimony have I to be > a broken torn canvas that only he can make it art..

I need that teacher ... to wake n jolt me up. To stay with me thru this journey; but have I become too proud to ask? I don't know. I can't even muster the hmph..

But i do know 1 thing, giving up; turning in my wings.. is a disgrace to the cross on calvary.