Learning to unwind

I gotta learn how to unwind.
To let things out in a better manner.
To achieve the balance.
To accept things the way they're.

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When I work, I set standards for myself..
and when I don't feel they're met, I get very replusive towards myself.
Maybe its a sign of low-self-esteem or too much Pride, I don't know which.

And although generally, I don't consciously set standards for others, but I do get kinda 'annoyed' if things aren't done up well.. Or atleast I expected the person could do better. And I'm the kinda person, who's usually very frank of my expression. When I hate it, I'm quite certain you'll know it.

So where do I find the margin of being tactful & real.. Maybe I've to allow myself to fail more.. although i don't detest failing, but I'm a strong believer that excellence honours God, so I very pressed towards excellence. I AIM FOR IT

And I've also realized how these days, I don't even know why I get into pointless arguments. Like today, I didn't agree with what was being said, thus I just took 3 seconds odd, to let it hang out, and realize how stupid this could lead too.. So even though I didn't agree, I just wanted to get it over and done with. Was I rude, I don't know. But I just knew very clearly, that this was one of those topics you could aruge to the "cows come home and still find it pointless.." and I wasn't really upset with the topic or even the person I was having the conversation with, I was just so pissed with myself that I allowed the topic to even mellow to that point. It was like me looking for a verbal fight. (Yes, I do miss debates..) To cut it off immediatly must have been rude, but I just knew if that went on, only rubbish would come in, nothing God honouring would ever take place.

And you know what.. hours later.. I did several more stupid; God dis-honouring acts. Without going to detail, I just felt later in the night, to go to a quiet place and pray. So I left the crowd, and sat far away. And I prayed. Tear a little...I prayed becoz I felt so empty once again. Just emotionally lost.

I enjoy my work now. And I'm using it to mask over my personal emotional pain and sorrow.. And many times, I take it in place of my quiet time.

Quiet times for me is like crying time. Praying time. And until my heart is open, my spirit becomes sensitive again, I'm lost to the nature of God. What I read is head knowlege, all theory of God doesn't make me love him any bit more.

Maybe I need obedience. Or more counselling..Above all things.. I need Jesus.

We all need Jesus.