Shattered inside..within me..again. IF u ever think being a Christian is milk & honey...Read on...

Lord, your servant becomes broken once again..

Why oh why does the sin of self-righteouness plauges me..?

Do I pity myself...why should I when its all my own-doing..

Returning back to the usual regimental life, I go back into a competition not as a player but a senior...seriously, what makes you think I can play squash at a competition level? I go there to fulfill a promise made to another, to be there for the rest..to be a servant literally, and back in the 'home-office', people who should know my heart calls me a liar, a scammer..haha..ironic isn't it...that I actually trust their heart, thus I didn't explain in detail..And boy, to feel so 'welcome'back was really crappy.. Why do you bitch when I'm capable to go out and help the team; I mean, mano-on-mano, take up the racket too..play the sport..I'll let u take my spot.

Its not anger in me tat boils, but a deep sense of hurt... What the heck ...are you trying to gain, have I not serve with my all .. Is my kindness a sign of being a doormat.. Come'on..I'm weak..yesh, but I've to make a stand and not just be another push-over..

Back in home, being mocked isn't enough, but to have to explain everything, to be questioned of a simple heart-felt intenion...oh wow.. and yesh, I know my birth doesn't matter, but can u stop rubbing it in..I understand we've no cash, atleast it always is at my time. I can live with it..Its not the first time. Just pls don't raise my hopes even one bit..

I had a great 21st birthday. Wasn't the gifts. The company; relationships were the best. Praise to God..thru all this circumstances..

And how do I end this evening, being totally heart-broken.. Becoz, there is love in me that I can't speak of. I can only pray that you'll be in good hands.. You may laugh, but my love for u is being refined...being tested..but as long as you're living well, whether you ever take the future into consideration, my pledge is something I didn't say at the spur of the moment. You should know, I don't do that. Pls hate me. Tell me so. For your reasons, your busy~ness, privacy; I 'll respect to the best of my ability,...But your possible fear of leading me on doesn't matter, how can u lead me on; for with my last breath, I'll still declare u as the love of my life..

Being a Christian isn't milk & honey..its reailty living with a hope admist the chaos..the pains..trust me; you're reading from a person living on borrowed time.