Journey goes on..

Let me share my testimony over the last few days...
It had been a good few days, being able to take out something to think thru issues, and be helpful in other sense...

Just to let you know, I wasn't suppose to be around this weekend, but by divine intervention, God placed me where he wanted exactly.

Last night, on date-night; to be out with another couple, watching a movie was kinda challenging experience to say the least...It wasn't about thinking of how nice it'll be to have someone to pay attention to, someone to hold etc... maybe alittle memory lane return for me, but I guess I was just missing the person inside my heart, thus to watch the movie with its sub-plot of waiting for love to return was really kinda...ironic to say the least..Yes, the movie; The myth actually had a plot,beside the 'hot' babe~ies... and on date-night, watching a Jackie Chan wasn't all too bad..

This morning, Sunday morning; on a cold rainy day, God answered my prayer. He allowed me to meet by his providence, a person, that I couldn't help to think about.. To see familiar faces, that would smile back at me was re-assuring, but a sense of being ignored was also harder to accept. Thank goodness for the rain, and a male buddy to make the issue much easier for me..But it was raining so badly, and via detour, I was glad to make it to church.. Being soaking wet, masked my tears, being in pain gave me an execuse to be alone and just cry out to the Lord in the wind... Ironic, of all days, on this weather, God chose to answer my prayer. He heard me, but he wasn't going to let it be easy for me. I felt so helpless in church, I just stood there, crying out to my father, I cried out for his strength, for his solance, becoz physically and worst of all; emotionally I just couldn't hold it anymore inside... So wonderfully weak I'm.

Sitting outside the main hall, I felt alone, outcast...but I chose to be there. To sit there, and be attentive for God to speak to me if he did. He didn't. There was no magical word, nor words of encouragement either.. People kept asking me if I felt cold, but was the feeling of cold that hurt? no it wasn't. It was loneliness, it was supressed emotions, sorrow and a sense of being lost that was really the chill that hurt...the pain, was beyond arthritis, beyond the pain of a chill onto the bones...

To hear nothing from above, is to be ministed by God's silence. How I wish to hear a kind word from above, or to feel a beloved's affection, but all these were not present. Sitting out there alone, was God's ministry for my soul. He answered my prayer of not letting me be comfortable, but to mould my charachter to his delight.

When I feel down, when I felt casted away, forgotten or not worthy...when I feel the urge to blame everyone but myself or only me...the silly~ness of it all...

To be jealous of what other's had, or even my past..to await for a future that God may never allow....is my sin.. To proclaim that all the crap in my life is the payment of my sins, the consequences of my mistakes is also the insult of God's ability to mould me closer to his delight.. With each sorrow, every tear shed, I've to learn to proclaim his promise in my life.. For if not for the faith in the promises, what can I honestly live for?

I have to learn to thank God in whateva the circumstances, to trust beyond what I can control and choose obedience when its easier to give up.. To hold on to a promise that he has a plan for me, and that nothing I've done is worth my own glory nor is defeat meant to crush me forever. Lord; thank you for teaching me to live simply for you.

I'm poor. I admit it. Financially..Physically, Emotionally..There's nothing of richness I've that is of my own. Even love, relationships..I'm poor. I'm unable to communicate in a new manner my concern and affections, even my love, my respect; people rebuke it, tell me to lose it...A pledge of love & honour I seek to fulfill, even that I'm too poor to be worthy... this is my story Lord... For in all these, you've been teaching me so much more..

Becoz when in my deprived...in my lost...I still have the privildge to call u father.

Others may not see it, but Thank you, that you're the same forever. I'm your donkey, to be placed as a JOB is your call, I'm the clay... No-one's doormat, not for my ambition becoz all these are usless. In return Lord, I need your yoke, if not, I'll never able to reach the finishing line..