the potential to self-destruct.


I'm on a one-way journey towards self-destruction.
ironic, I seemed to live out these days of my life as a 3rd person,
totally unbelieveing the ways I'm allowing myself to go thru it,
but wat's the point of changing course.
in a sick manner, I'm actually getting more comfortable
in knowing my end..and the means of it, is just simply existing thru it all.

there's no need to plan.

simply exist w/o a reason, w/o a care anymore.

a part of me fights on to resist, but even tat is at best, threading thin.

n there's also a part of me too proud to admit defeat, but just as strong is a part of me too tired and .......

I know what I like, what I may be made for, but from now till there, the journey seems ......seems like I've made too many wrong turns, too slow, too fast...all at the same time.

N yes,I think I learned nothing useful anymore, I'm just sliding in to give up, accepting failure seems the only way.

I may have been 'larger than life' personality, I may have a passion to love, to live life to the best for my maker... I never even desire to be in authority,guess seems I'm already successfully sliding at the bottom, it just seems easier, to exit stage...

I'm truly thankful for him above that has carried my friends thru their faith..for all those encouragments beforehand. maybe my work in them is over, I don't deserve anything more from them, becoz, its all for your glory.

I miss my friends dearly, those around, those gone. Just as much as I want to reach out to them, I too want to find a corner and hide from them. Can they even hear what I've to say anymore. The independence streak in me is just as strong as the dependence part of me. Would they come and find me at times, I wonder, but I too know, I don't have words for them anymore. Whether its words of wisdom, or company, I'm neither now. Don't call me a leader, I will shame the rest at the title. A brother am I? then why this brother that tells you not to live others behind, simple leaves you....becoz I simply can't stay on...I don't think u'll want me...its only a matter of time..trust me..I've gone thru that enuff.

Have all my words become lies...maybe not now, but a matter of time?

I guess I'm living in the twilight of my life. When I was once healthy, I've losing it daily. Being witty was once a hallmark, but..how witty can u be alone?

How many people have I talked to. How many have journeys I've been. If this is all what is left for me, well...it was one mind-boggling ride. Death on earth, even tat isn't a destination, its just a pit-stop. I don't deny, I'm starting to dread eternity.

for now, I still have honesty left in me. A keen observation of the final chapthers of my life. I really desire to life to the fullest. In him...I wished. but even hearing from him seems to clogged up. I leave my groups not becoz I don't wish to be with them, but becoz I don't wish to stumble others, I don't wish to trouble her or even the brothers tat have been with me. I'm not ashame of my decline, beocoz I know I'm only being 'tested' in this subject of dealing with failures in life, and the case-study is me.

hey missing all the activites has saved them from sending me to hospitals etc...trust me, when pain overcomes you, even in bed...its an out of this world experience. I wish my 'ministry' would reach out to more of us just the same as they reach out for the unbelieving...but who am I to say all these. I'm slipping into this group just as much.
remember, I used the word; wish.

from what I'm worth..thank u all for being a part of me.
I don't know what else these days hold,
wat else is left. I just want to get away from causing trouble,
existing....
and..
exhale... I must.