N why do we do so?

I ask myself today, after another 'ugly' win today, why do I do, what I do?
Why do make the decisions to go straight and not turn left.
Why do I follow the instructions and advise given to me, at the benefits of others only.
Why do I seek wisdom?
Why do I save up $ when, I've no-one I want to spent it with.
Is everythings' meaning in just .......superifical.

I've always value service before self, n for those who I've the pleasure of knowing, my respect to them. They're the ones who deserve their reward even if they're not on earth. But do we even bother who we serve? 95% of the time, I don't make a difference, but some things I do consider.

I'm one of the last, the rest have gone away, some left this community as a whole, some are on the wayside, n my prayers to the few sisters who're still so rooted in him n serving his community he has placed upon us. There's nothing 'wrong' with this generation of leaders, but..I don't know, I don't know why they can't accept me. I don't feel that they've. Is it me Lord, or am I just a weed in this harvest field?

I really feel so broken at times, whenever I feel I've been taken for granted Lord. When promises from others go unfulfilled, yet they still expect me to follow theirs. Isn't it an ironic Lord? I feel like the tree, just be there only when needed,for sheltar, for fun & lodging and when they've grown out of me, now my time has come to be taken away for expansion purposes. Is that all I've been placed for Lord?

Everything Lord, every blow n every joy, I place it before u. Becoz, even when I wasn't aware, ur perfect Love saved me. Lord, I pray that this perfect LOVE, drives me on. Not for the cause but becoz you live, becoz you can and you will.. I don't wish for my trust to go anyway else. Surely, when I see the 'role-model' Christians being 'adored' and when I really pay attention to them, Lord, they make me so amused. For the grain of integrity are so minute in them compared to the visions u've shown me.

Lord, I do wonder why you make me pray thru this for it makes me so 'unpopular' but I know you've a reason, so Lord, please..if its from you, may your love n grace cover them before any more hurts are caused.

Lord, I'm a sinner before you, if you would take this cup from me, but your will, may I be obedient even till death.