My testimony.
I've never been ask to do for ages,
but since this is my blog, and I need it to be accountable to someone, here goes.
People have been asking how what has been happening, and wat's wrong,
today..I'm not trying to overly explain myself but I hope as you read, you would understand.

Slightly over 4months ago, I was planning for one for the most exciting beginning of my life.. I had made reservations for a ring, prepared a speech of sorts..and was praying for the right timing to speak to the folks. Because, I had built up so much hype in me, when things went totally the opposite as planned, from a day of planned shopping for family gifts to a day of confusion and tears..
I remember the day so clear. The nights before that, the weekend beforehand. In fact, that week, never left my mind. I don't replay the scenes all over again, but when things like these happen, we wished we had amensia.
Anyway, I accepted it because the reasons seemed right, I wanted the best and for her to take ownership of her faith. Thus, even with tears, I knew I had to let her go, so take maybe..our future would even be better.
So for the first 3 weeks, things seem ok, but as things went by, things became complicated. Several counsel came into the picture, and within weeks, new rules were enforced, and soon a gag order was in place. I admit I'm not great at following rules I don't believe in, and becoz things were 'unclear' then, I began to ask her questions. N I guess I became freaking annoying soon after. I was so confused. I kept praying, and when my queit time gave me hope, people of influence kept emphasing that there should be no hope. I didn't wanted to believe them at first.

But I presistently wanted to know why things suddenly came into place like this ...n to me, the plot seemed to be moving so fast, I didn't know if I had a role anymore. Nights were spent with endless question ramming thru asking why and how come. And the days I couldn't control, I asked her, I asked others. I asked him above.
But everyone seemed so queit. They gave formula answers, when sometimes, I just wanted reassurance that, they still care.

Soon, people got tired of me, so did I. I began answering the questions in my head with my own curse, my own answers. I trusted wat people said, the lies, the gossip. I became desperate. I knew that I didn't want to cause others pain. Thus, slowly, I couldn't take myself anymore. I remember crossing roads with dumb thoughts, I remember telling myself; since ppl say that they had such a horrid past, n I was in it, then why don't I just leave for good. Makes everyone happy.

Then I went for counselling, n when tat finished, I thought a fresh page of paper could be used. But, it never materalized. I believe in days, I got fustrated being 'ignored', I became so wary of people's opinion of me. I felt so helpless n lonely. No longer did my mobile ever rang that spoke to me not regarding some sort of work.

I started doubting myself.. N when tat happened, the Shane of the past began to erode. Since last year, I never geninuely felt joy for days in a role. I no longer felt I deserve anything good. I was so encouraged to hear her testimony, but at what cost. N I also knew much later, I knew that she was speaking to others about me n us, I was lost. Becoz, I only much later that I became 'object-fied' in my opinion. I believe she did out of the goodness of her heart, but sadly, those people that she spoke to...didn't build me up.

From then on, I slowly moved away from God himself. Not becoz I felt he punishes me, but becoz I felt so overwhelm with meaninglessness. My very act of love to my fellow brothers n sisters, seem so ..wrong..
but if it wasn't becoz of him above, surely I would be residing in hell now.

As I evulated myself, I got even more upset with me. N the cycle continues. Without a shadow of a doubt, my work standard dropped, it seemed every single possible strength I had, was no big deal, Honesty's payment was with 'silence.' Within weeks, I became so lost in camp. I got my job done, n becoz of tat, free-loaders hoped on.
I just became so engrossed with unworthiness, n things just multiplied.
I withdrew myself from bowling tournments, becoz I felt my mental game was off.
Even as one of the best table-tennis players, I decided not to play. Becoz, I couldn't feel it anymore.
Wat's the point of winning, of scoring a goal when sometimes, I find nobody else to celebrate with. N honestly, I really wanted to celebrate with her. n next week, I've badminton semi-finals & finals again. I may just screw up again..but I try not fret over it.

I thought over it long n hard, why am in such a depression mood, even though I gave my blessings to her step forward. I have been happy for her like before, but as for myself, I lost my edge. I know to reach my potential, I have to let GOD teach me to overcome the best challengers.

Sometimes I wanted to be near people, but within minutes, I may just feel a need to withdraw. I want to talk, but no-one seems to understand n its hard for me to even open up in the first place. There're good days when it doesn't hurt so much, but sometimes, emotionally so fustrated with myself, my physical pain seems so minute.

The bad news keep streaming forward. I start believing the fact, that no goods things may come to me anymore. Using army lingo, I became a target board regardless where I go, be it spiritually or physically.

I feel so usless, when I'm asked to leave ministries..when friends started avoiding me. When it seem to me, that she feels her love is holding her back. It seemed to me, she would only answer my question, "if she loves me", only when she no longer does so. I begun the silly game of guessing what n why she says or doesn't say. I deduced that other than my family, all my loved ones will slowly but surely leave me. Even as I tried to make more friends, I knew these people can never replace my loved ones.
I want to love these friends for who they're, not because they're around now.

To all my friends who have shown their concern, your prayers are so precious to me.
To the people, I've annoyed or upset..please forgive me.

I'm just trodding down this path, where I'm trying to grasp a little meaning of what's happening, I hope to win back my loved ones one day. N believe in so sense, God will help me. I want to go back and exercising my love, my faith, because I don't want pity, I don't want formula answers.

I need an encounter with above.