its in me

will you all ever listen?
will you all ever give me a chance?

Friends or foe?
CAn u give me space, but not leave so far.
so far, me, myself n I tat only fills my space.

I did the best I could.
now, I don't even know.
u ask me not to listen to the lies in me,
but your actions only tell me these lies!

I 'wore' a 'mask', to protect,
the honour of others,
as a friend u know I would do the same for u,
y then do u say I try to hide things from u.

Secerts shared among friends should remain so
aint it supposed to be?
if u told someone else abt it,
shouldn't I deserve to know atleast?

skeletons remains in me ...
not of mine only,
where is accountability,
where is sensitivity?

I dread to wake up at times,
dread to sleep.
Dread to go out,
dread loneliness..

Friends tat I thought knew me better,
decided to go the route tat I detest so much,
if u've a bone to pick with me,
pls say it in my face.

I know I'm not great,
still lots of works for me,
could u then bear with me,
cast yr judgement till his done with me..

Its easy to kick a man when he's down,
I'm surprised that friends tat I thought tat would,
didn't, friends tat I thought wouldn't,
didn't mean it, but did.

I keep saying I'm sorry,
keeping claiming the responsibility of mistakes for all,
so does tat make u all feel better,
tat u're clean?

u ask me not to think of the past,
becoz it prolongs my grief,
but do u know my grief..
tat ppl I want to hear from, ppl I want to talk to, couldn't/ wouldn't..

I never meant to hurt anyone else,
u should know,
i rather hurt myself..
becoz I love u all so.

y do I drive better at night?
becoz of the pain tat keeps me so awake,
pain, protects me..
from ignorance, from ...me..

DOn't try to hide, becoz
my spirit tells me so,
words sometimes not spoken,
hurt even more..

back then, i would make my adjustments to suit u all,
servant of all,
I still do, to applease u all,
could I just get a thank u pls?

I'm like a pilot tat lost its wings,
can't dare to decide,
becoz my confidence has so been shaken,
i'm lost, where to place my faith.

oh wat misery faith can be,
when u try to kill 'love' as instructed,
n they hope u won't be bitter ...
on yrself, its impossible.

can I just be someone, some fool tat ..
trust in all things,
love all things..
including u all.

yes, I'm disorenitated.
I don't know where to start...
where to continue from,
blame it on my youth.

do u all still care?
with just words, said in a room so far away,
I become so desperate for affirmation,
all the prayers sent,kept in my heart; used to defend the lies..

i hate to discuss abt the past,
but isn't tat y u all can't talk to me,
becoz I judged from then or is it becoz of now,
remember the white piece(s) of paper?

y do u all avoid me,
becoz u've been instructed to do so,
or is becoz I'm no longer entertaining,
no longer useful for u all.

days, when I'm all alone at sea,
i keep crying out,
like a wandering soul,
holding onto a promise from above.

i no longer smile,
no longer ..
not becoz I want to,
but becoz of my dwindling faith.

I don't wish to burden anyone,
but the reality, i need someone now,
someone tat i can trust,
someone tat really UNDERSTANDS, with action not words.

becoz I don't wish to hurt u,
i leave u all,
so tat my sorrow
doesn't affect others.

n that pityful sorrow cast away,
the very joyful memories at times,
ppl kept harping tat its wrong,
so now is good?

i know we cannont act as if nothin happened,
but can we all start anew,
not words, but a real reaction,
tat all things are worth its meanings.

its not her tat i grief,
pls give me a break,
must i convience u,
its ME!.

yesh, siree..
its me..
the one tat has choke
once again.

Lord, i dare not accept yar grace at times,
becoz i know i'm constantly aware of my failures,
i feel condemn,
by the very church, I swore to protect.

sometimes, its better to live in hope
than to live without one,
without hope, can u see the maker,
the writer of our futures?

tell me, why do u all really ...
say these things to me/others,
keep silent from me,
when u say, its not becoz of me...

is it wrong for u,
to love me,
for me to love u,
regardless if we're meant for each other?

haha..if we really trust him,
we wouldn't need to ask tat question of destinty
we would live out our lives,
n know that he'll be soverign regardless of wat situations.

so if u all think my past,
was so bad, i guess
u'll judge my now, as a pathetic,
a fool barking out once again.