I wasn't like this

I wasn't born with my sickness. I wasn't born with this attitude now.
I never felt led tat my life would have lead into this journey.
so many paths were drawn, some were followed in obedience,
but others, I guess..I will never know.
I 'll never know of the paths tat was presented to me, but I didn't take.
From the minor, to the major.
but maybe it doesn't matter so much.
I share great memories with certain ppl,
talking thru the night,
saying the sinner's prayer at a bus-stop,
hearing the words, I'll be with u come what may etc..
these words, were of friends tat I treasure,
but its my anguish tat for now, all these 3 friends..our friendship seem so distance..

Does it matter who's to blame? Does it matter why it happened? Does it all add up to a reasonable explaination? I ponder.
Someone who once told me tat its a waste to let a friendship 'rot' over misunderstandings, now, I believe...we might go thru tat.
Ironic, tat how much I always place people's feelings n realtionships above others, these very people, I hurt.
I didn't always reacted this way.
Yes, circumstance had its impact, but I should ask myself, is this the way I want to live the rest of my life?
I worry abt going back to the old me, becoz, in my own eyes now, adding the results of sorts, I feel tat I've failed.
But am I seeing it thru the right eyes?
U see, leaders often have the right words to say, but doing it and believing it totally, is another matter altogether.

I chose to willingly die an emotionally death of sorts. Becoz, I was afraid the 'confident' Shane was becoming over-bearing to others. To her. I wanted to stop asking her questions. I wanted to do the 'right' thing. In some ways, I hoped I did. But the emotions were all store inside n it became bitter. I became bitter with myself first n foremost. Unlike Christ who was obedient n honourable, I played 'hero' n considered this to be the best. N the chain reaction of self-condemnination started. In me, with tears constanting flowing privately so very often, I didn't want to pester ppl anymore, I didn't want to make things diffcult for her, n I needed to shut my mind off...so slowly, a curse, I placed on myself. Becoz, I felt, if she n others lead a good life, then wat I go thru won't be in vain. After all, I'm so comfortable with pain now, wat's new about tat. I always held on to his promises, but also in me, I fear him in the wrong way. I knew I had to live with my choices. N then I decided, I rather be my own curse then hurt others.

Stupid ain't it. I believe I deserve all these tat has happened. Becoz, instead of accept the love of God, instead of having faith in the impossible, I placed my trust in all the wrong things, my confidence was destroyed.

I wish to thank my friend, who gently reminded me, held me back, n counsel me. Her reminder was simple, tat I've to allow God to be the God of my life throughout. Its not some theology break-thru, but just a sharp reminder.. Its time, yes, my intention may be right, but ... I've to see myself as the person, with the blood of Christ covering me. The pure lamb died for me, so tat in life, I'm his no matter what. All of us are his. Thus, like how I wanted her to live a good life, am I living the right life for the one who died for me?

I don't know how long this may last, but I pray tat if I do come back once again, I'll see myself thru the spirit that lives in me. If not, everything else is utterly meaningless. When times, the pain overwhelms me physically, when before, I needed the solance of an embrace,I will pray that while hugging myself to sleep, I'll trust tat all these will come to pass. Pls, let not this hope die.