Not giving up.

I would be lying outright if I've been saying tat these days have been good.

They've not. But first let me start by thanks-giving.
Health & blessings have fallen upon by love ones..tat are things to be thankful for.

But on my own, God has been gracious on me. For I'm a sinner, tat juz keeps doubting himself. I doubt God(his) almightness. I doubt Jer29....Not tat I doubt him directly, becoz I know God is faithful..n his promises are kept in my heart. But I don't live it out.
I'm living a life of self-doubt. A life of self-pity n overly critizing myself. N when I do tat, I'm also mocking the hands tat made me.
N who am I to do so?
I'm living a life of contridictions instead of claiming his victory daily in my life. Its the most pitiful when one is given freedom, n he mocks it.
I'm one such person today.
I can complain tat I'm NOT doing things right. My outlook in life is wrong. I'm having wrong hopes...etc...but all these small sub-points proved one thing..I'm not living a life yield to God, n placing my TOTAL TRUST tat he's ALMIGHTY.
I'm not doing my part in the partnership.
I'm ashamed.
Faith isn't a muscle, u can't strengthen it juz by working it out, have u ever heard of 'faith' fatigue?...I believe FAITH is like oxygen...the moment, it starts to go, your body will shriver up n DIE.
Therefore, I guess my life, its like LOTR.. numbers are stack on me to fail. Since I've failed. But I'm just hoping tat this 'retreat' I've made, I'm not giving up the battle. ALthough a part of me has given up, but the rest still resist. I don't wish to give up like today's bowling tournment, n let myself regret. (more stories another day!)
Hope is so dangerous, blind faith is disaterous, but its these things tat I've to place it on..
Please pray with me, if u believe in the salvation of Jesus Christ, tat he would start a good work within me, will show me; n change my heart, tat even me, I'm not worthy to judge myself.
I've wrote longer than intended. But just writing this has helped. May his name be prasied.