just ME
Galatians 2:20-21-KJV
20> I am crucified with Christ: neverthless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me. 21> I do not frustrate the grace of God: for if righteousness come by the law, then Christ is dead in vain.
Lord, I know my salvation isn't based on my own strength, nothing I could do to ever save myself for HELL. W/o Christ, there would be no future ahead for me.I've to fully submit into him...daily..
I don't fully grasp the measure of my love for Jesus yet. My death is nothing compared ...to let a sin-less man die for mine. I'm only certain, tat I've count the cost of following Jesus, n each day.. God reminds me tat being faithful isn't just abt being blessed. I know I love him n her enough to let her leave me so tat she can fully concentrate on God. I use to think tat was a lousy reason, but now, I'm usually feeling tat this was the best and maybe the only reason, how I can accept someone leaving me days before I could ask her to be my wife. The seperation at times feels enormus..more than my daily physical pain. Its like a child saying, "I hate u...I need to leave u"...It hurts, but I'm glad her 'hate' for me is becoz she wants to compare it for her love to Christ. I love him n her too much. The most loving I could do was to make it as painless as possible for the both of us. But inital I was a flop..I probably still am.
Reading n hearing how much she has been blessed by others n strengthen by the Holy Spirit, I do feel sore, tat I'm only able to share in tat joy from as far as possible. Becoz, I don't wish to trouble her..neither am I sure..If she wants me there or personally, am I ready to accept my 'place'.
Sometimes, I wish to bless her so much..in wat-ever way possible. I know I've to do things for myself too..Maybe I'm just desiring for greater involvment...but its not time...I keep telling myself to be patient. Days after days, I delete sms before I even sent them. I know, self-control is important. Even in blessing others. I'm not desperate.. not yet anyway.. I just keeping praying n sending my prayers of her n my cell-members to God. My family...n love ones. Thus, these days, I take more action in sending sms to others, encouraging them along. Yes, they may not respond... the acts maybe worthless now, but I just pray tat personally, I'm a 'clean' vessel for the Lord to use. When, n where, I let him decide. I just wanna keep preparing n believing tat he hasn't let me out in his plans for his kingdom.
Do u ever use 'moniker'to sign off a comment? Sometime back, for the sake for not spoiling the 'fun' I used a few..not tat I'm ashame of my name...but I just felt my name wasn't apprioprate.I could even 'hear' her laughter when she replied with the 'hahaha'..tat was cute.
I just find it hard to call her by her first name. Its a beautiful name. But I'm just so used to writing our names together...n calling her by other pet names... Even now, I do struggle to call out her name.. I tried asking her if I could give her a 'moniker' for now..She rather I call her plain........ I respect tat. Becoz, she just wants to be treated as like any other person..its just isn't so snap snap easy for me.. Hiyah, its not a life-n-death question..but I don't know..Do u know tat her 'moniker' was actually an inspiration from God. Today, I bought a drink for the very first time, bearing one of her rare nicknames..n it probably spelt the way her closed loved one would spell..It just felt..INSPIRED..I PRAYED ABT IT!! I understand y she doesn't want to be so...
but hiyah...
GOD, you know the solution for every problem. Even this small one...Please, let me surrender all of them to you. Above all...thank u for being God. N my last prayer is abt the mission trip. I'm feeling a leading from God, but I'm not sure..so Lord, please use others to affirm me if possible. Thank u.