my daily struggles.

this is my daily struggle. As i write this, I feel naked infront of the www..in an emotional way, but I guess..its also part of therapy for me.

today & yesterday, my mind couldn't help but continue to ponder over many thoughts. Some were pleasant, some weren't.

i think of her. Not so much, but still enuff. How she's feeling now, is her illness gone, is she sleeping earlier etc. Its like a part of you, just gone away. I don't even know how she feels for me now, whether she dislikes me or my company or my actions. I brace myself tat she's going to avoid me again, and for a week ahead of silence from her. In my house, she has been to nearly every corner, hearing her laugh or seeing her reading the newspapers intently. So often, I can remember her lying in my bed or waiting outside the door. I remember our first day so clearly, and our last, so painfully. Her grace in my life, her loving nature and her encouragement now gone. I remember continuing to ask her to pursue GOD always, but I didn't knew for tat, she had to go. Tat she would link me to all her 'past' she wasn't proud of, and how deciding she has to move forward...by renewing old friendships but leaving me out of the picture.
I'm not bitter against her. Knowing her, it won't be easy...its just, a heartache always being there, hurting most when I'm alone. But I pray that she is in better hands now, and tat if she ever needs help, I'll always be there for her.

My health is limiting at times, it gets fustrating. I would really like to go shopping, exercise now etc...but knowing my health, going out alone isn't a wise idea. Unless I lie to myself..I've to take more time getting used to it.
I spent my days playing interactive games now, to me the worst form of entertainment. But wat else can I do.. I'm not sure, emotionally I'm ready to serve, good company gets limited by health and ppl's lack of understanding.. I enjoyed being at home, but now, its also painful in here.
Lord, grant me peace.
I pray tat I can enjoy the beauty of now, but its going to take some work. God's work in me.
Words are meaningless if there isn't a reciever. For now, I'm just barking out into space, when I'm ready, I will listen my thoughts with a smile, knowing how God has led me throughout.